Boo Mayhew

Marsha, I hope that your heart is full of happy memories ... and that the brutality of pain is diminishing, slowly but surely. Peace and strength to you, my friend. xx

oh Valley, thanks for sharing your NYE memories with us. Cliff and I would celebrate with a big kiss, and just hold each other for a bit, afirework or two, a cocktail, bubbles or something, usually at home with friends, the last one was just us alone. The tears will flow at midnight. I shall light a candle, raise my glass to him and speak to him. Then I will pop next door for a while before bed. Happy New Year to you and all here ... may it bring us peace, strength and may our happiness increase with each month of the year xx

Tracey, I can't advise you on which med to take. All I can tell you is that each person reacts differently to grief (and many react differently to meds! I, personally made the decision not to take them in the end as the ones I took gave me suicidal thoughts - which is rare - but enough to scare me into wanting to not take any others either!). In the end, I looked at it this way: the definition of depression is feeling sad without a reason, and felt that I certainly had reason to be sad, and should grieve rather than take pills. I was scared that they would mask the feelings, suppress them even, and could not face the risk of having to go backwards on this journey and do half of it all over again. Caveat: this is JUST my personal take and it relates to ME. Everyone is so different, everyone of us unique, our loss unique in itself, and our reactions again differ too, even if there are many similarities. Listen to your body, speak to your doctor, and one day at a time. I think you will intuitively know which med is right for you when you are going through this. I think you are still early days ... one breath at a time, one step at a time. Learn to be patient with you. Learn to be kind to YOU. I can tell you what has helped me: posting here, blogging, talking about my husband and how I feel, what I fear, what I think. Making plans, even tenuous ones ... which give me something to look forward to, e.g. a weekend with my sister. Try to eat and sleep whenever you can. This is incredibly tiring - exhausting actually. I am almost at the one year anniversary (in a week) and still find it hard to believe ... but I am coping better, even if the pain is still here - but the pain has changed, it is incorporated into me, and his love (and mine) are still here with me. The love is what gets you through. Right now it may feel as though you cannot see that, because you are in such darkness, but I promise you it is still there and one day you will feel it again. Peace to you and strength, I really hope you get the meds resolved - it makes it even harder doesn't it? I mean, on a basic level, just to do anything when you are unwell and makes you feel even more alone. HUGS

Si, especialmente salud

Korina and Kat - please look after yourselves and be gentle with YOU now ... the 6 month mark was very hard for me. Like I was starting to come out of the fog and I felt as though I would never come out of that deep dark place that I dropped to. What I can tell you though is that I did, and so shall you (even if you don't believe me right now!). I am so sorry that your six month mark has coincided with Christmas - that is doubly hard :-( Wishing you peace and strength, Boo xxx

Susan, I was overjoyed to see your name posted here! Even more so to learn that your prognosis is good :-) YAY! Thankfully Christmas is over for this year now .... this first one is so hard, isn't it? "Salud y muchas pesetas a ti" for 2010 xxxxx

Em, I have been wondering how you are, especially over Christmas. I can share with you that when I have gone to places that are so strongly associated with Cliff, that the anticipation has always been worse than the actual reality of going there. Sometimes it has felt bittersweet, occasionally bringing a feeling of peace to me, even a smile ... other times there has been a tug on the heartstrings, also a feeling of accomplishment that I have managed to do it ... but there are some places I cannot go ... like the place we married in Jamaica for I know that would break me, or actually walk into our old apartment on the coast, for example (that would be self-torture). Sometimes when I drive down to the coast, the beauty of the sea - when I first catch a glimpse of it - takes my breath away, and I cry, but they are not bad tears, rather they are sacred tears, healing me ... I tend to think of it like this: nothing can really remind me more of Cliff, for I remember him all the time. And I carry him in my heart all the time. I take him everywhere with me. The old familiar places stand as evidence that it all really happened and that he loved me so much. BUT, if you are referring to a place that you associate with the loss rather than your Dad ... i.e. where he passed away, I think that's a different thing altogether. I found myself standing in the ward of the hospital where Cliff died (because my neighbour was ill and happened to be put in the same ward) - that effect was not positive at all. It was only 4 or 5 months after I lost him .... I started shaking so much one of the nurses came over to see if I was OK. I don't know how I would react today - but I don't particularly want to visit there. I'd rather remember him as he was, not as he died. But I may find myself there again one day, and it would not stop me providing someone else with support or comfort if they need it. Everyone is different ... as you know. But that's my personal experience. I don't know if you'd like to take a flower or something to place in this special place - is it in the great outdoors? Or, perhaps some rose petals to scatter? Or take a photo of the scene, and pick a flower (so you can press it ... then frame the photo and put the dried flower in the frame beside it...) Another idea is a little different, so bear with me ... how about taking a home printed photo of your Dad or one of your Dad with you and place it somewhere ... (leave it in a spot that you stood together on to appreciate a view, or by a tree, under a rock) ... so that you have not only taken him in your heart, but also literally left his mark, almost like he did upon this world and your very being). I read a blog where a widow travels quite a lot, and she does this, everywhere she goes ... and she photographs it. It brings her comfort ... and it's her way of taking him and her love for him into the future (or the past if you are going to a place that brings so many memories). You might find that too quirky, but I wanted to share it with you, just in case :-) Love to you Boo xxxx

Kay, this is exactly what I was referring to in my last post (above yours) ... you have just reached me with words that bring me peace and a glimmer of hope. Thank you as always xx

Merry Christmas from the UK, everyone! Those of you with children are probably waking up about now (in the States) ... and some of you have probably had a fitful sleep. Just know that I am thinking of you all and wishing you a peaceful day, filled with loving memories of your soul-mates ... try and wrap yourselves in the warmth of those memories. I wish you fun and laughter in between the tears. Be kind to yourselves today, please. Last night, at a minute past midnight I lit a candle for Cliff. Yes, I cried. But as the candle-light grew stronger, I dimmed my lounge lights and there was a strength emanating from that beautiful light ... the light that he is in my life. My tears stopped and I just lay there, bathed in the soothing peaceful light, surrounded by my sleepy dogs. I got such a feeling of peace that I decided to sleep on the couch for a while ... and did so till the early hours before retiring to that big old empty bed (not counting the dogs). Christmas Eve was harder for me than Christmas Day. I'd like to reassure you that I got through it, so you will get through today. Yes, there is pain, but there is also light. I know that for some of you, who have been widowed more recently, you are in such darkness right now that you cannot see it. But the light that your soulmate is in in your life is still there ... and you will see it again one day, I promise. I'll be thinking of you all today, and would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for being there for me and for each other ... and Marty, what can I say? What other on-line Counsellor is looking after her flock at 01h30 on Christmas Eve/Day? I'd hazard a guess that you were quite alone in doing so and there are no words beyond, "thank you" for your selfless behaviour. You truly are a light in all of our lives and we are so blessed to have you. Kay, Wendy, Kath, Marsha, Valley, CarrieBoo, Jeanne, Walt, Fred, Dusky et al ... thank you for holding my hand and gently encouraging me at the start of my journey. PJ, Kathy, Mark, Joanna, Korina et al ... thank you for holding my hand and walking next to me this year ... and to those of you who I feel I haven't really met yet (due to working ridiculous hours these past couple of months), I do read your posts and remember that part of my journey only too well ... I'd like to pluck you off the path and move you to where I am and beyond, but I can't. My heart goes out to each and every one of you today of all days. I think we really do encapsulate the spirit of Christmas (not the commercialized version) by being here for each other and helping each other, even though each one of us experiences our own pain - there is no more sacred a gift - thank you all. Have a peaceful Christmas. When I return home tonight after spending the afternoon / early evening (and dinner) with good friends on the coast, I shall be lighting two candles. One for my Cliffy, and one for all of your soulmates ... it doesn't seem enough, but I can't think of what else to do. So, there will be a light flickering in the London area for Bob, Tom, Neal, Steve, Denny, Stephen, David, Jeannie, George et al this evening. I hope that some of the strength from that candle-light reaches across the ocean whilst you are sitting down to Christmas Dinner. It is always a risk to name people, in case you omit someone. Please know that I didn't intend to ... and that you are all in my heart. Love and peace to you today, and light Boo xxx

DeeGee - I just found these words on a friend's blog and had to share them with you: "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

Derby, well done for going ahead with the birthday dinner, it is so easy to hide under the covers instead (as I have done many times) ... it snowed the morning of the day that my husband had his stroke, and we both loved the snow. It snowed after the funeral and hasn't since. I know that when I next see the snow I shall feel the way you did, and just hope that as more time has passed that I shall enjoy more of the sweet as opposed to the bitter. It is hard to experience anything for the first time after losing our loved ones because it makes it more real, it confirms to us that they are gone, but I do believe very strongly, that your husband was watching the snow with you, smiling at it and at you. Wishing you strength in your snowy days ahead, xx

Em, I'm sorry that you're being made to feel this way. I really wish that your family and friends were a little more thoughtful - especially over the holidays. It's not you, it's them

Tickets are now on sale and I bought my ticket for Camp Widow today! It's important to have stuff to look forward to. http://sslf.org/camp-widow-2010/ (tickets are $300 including dinner) you can book accommodation here: http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/sandt-san-diego-marriott-hotel-and-marina/?groupCode=ssnssni&fromDate=&app=resvlink 6th - 8th August 2010 : San Diego It would be great to meet you if you are going, please respond to this thread so that we can look out for each other there For ease, I have pasted Michele Neff Hernandez's original email below; Camp Widow 2010 August 6-8, 2010 San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina San Diego, California Yes, we have a date! And we brown shirts would love to see you back in San Diego for more laughs, more great workshops, a dance floor at the banquet, a Sunday morning breakfast...and another chance to participate in the Widow Dash! Don't miss the fun, mark your calendars now! We are taking the many things that worked, and tweeking the few things that didn't, to create a program called Camp Widow. One of you said this..."My daughter went to camp, and I did too!" Which got us to thinking about giving this weekend a name that speaks to the uplifting spirit of our gathering. YOU made this weekend amazing, and we are determined to plan an even better event next year. So tell your friends, early registration will begin November 1st. Camp Widow merchandise will be on sale at www.sslf.org beginning October 15th...everything is really cute and please send me stories about the looks on people's faces when they read your shirt. Short commercial: We will need sponsors to make this all happen, and could use help in locating them! So spread the word...Camp Widow needs you! As always, your gratefully accepted donation is tax-deductible and can be mailed to the address below. We also accept donations by Paypal at widowsbond@sbcglobal.net Any amount helps us reach our goal of raising $100,000 to fund the programs that we currently run and to expand our reach in the future. It is time for widows to have a voice, we can do this together!And the 2009 mailing list is available for any interested attendees. The list also includes blog addresses for those who have provided them. Just send me a quick note, and I will forward you the list. Next year we will improve the mailing list process! Yours in hope, Michele Michele Neff Hernandez Executive Director Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation 2828 Cochran St. #194Simi Valley, Ca 93065 877-671-4071 ext 706 www.sslf.orgwww.widowsbond.com micheleh@sslf.orgwidowsbond@sbcglobal.net

Jeanne, happy birthday my friend These days are tough however I hope that you have someone special to you to spend the day with, and that you laugh more than you cry. Love Boo xxx

Wendy, I am so sorry that you have yet more heartache in your life. I pray that your Grandmother is not in pain and that you have the strength to endure this. You are such a kind person and have helped me many times this year. My heart goes out to you. Lots of love Boo xxxx

Caroline, we are never ready to lose someone we love so much. A friend at work just lost her grandma and people keep saying to her, "ah well, she lived a long time" and I told her they should stop saying that because it doesn't matter how long someone lives, or how long you get with that person ... it doesn't make it any less painful! We will always want longer. Please don't feel that you are not doing this as well as you should. You are doing as well as you should. This is your journey, your loss, your pain ... and you are therefore in exactly the right place for you. I am so sorry that you have lost your husband, but I am glad you found this Forum. I look on it as a godsend.

My workplace has been my anchor and shall remain to be for the next couple of years. For the first 6 months I had a LOT of time off, could come in late, could work from home, and was put on a 4 day week (paid), plus time off to see counsellor. Now that I am almost at 11 months, I like being here ... surrounded by people. It's a sense of normalcy. I strive to ensure that I don't have any more time off, and kind of wrote this year off. Next year, I am kicking it off with a sponsored walk for widows in India and Africa (on anniversary of Cliff's death on 6th January) and then getting my teeth into my objectives. I am under no illusion ... I know that the second year won't be any easier than this one, so far as pain is concerned, however, I also know that I have coping mechanisms in place and that I am managing my grief better. Hope this helps xx Here is a letter that I wrote to our CEO a couple of weeks ago: Dear J Even though I am not American, with Thanksgiving approaching, it felt like the right time to write to you. On January 6th this year my husband died unexpectedly from a stroke. Thankfully I was on vacation and with him at the time, which gives me comfort today. Obviously this has had an enormous impact on me emotionally and physically throughout this year, and I just wanted to share with you how important a role this Company has played in my grief journey, with some examples: · Despite being immensely busy with “.................” work, PW called me for half an hour on January 6th. Speaking to him for this time calmed me sufficiently and enabled me to sleep for a few hours straight afterwards, having not slept for 48 hours in a row. P then somehow found another slot to call me after the funeral to talk again, and just having a taste of that sense of normalcy was tantamount to a ship seeing a lighthouse in a Nor’wester. · KS proof-read the Eulogy that I wrote for my husband. · I received approximately 100 cards, messages and phone calls from HO in the UK over the course of those early days. · FS picked me up from home and dropped me off for the first month when I returned to work. I had never driven in the snow before and at the time we had 12” of snow here. The thought of attempting this alone at the time, would have been simply terrifying. · SJ took my husband’s tax affairs from me so that her husband could take care of them. · ST (my Line Manager at the time) was incredibly protective of me and extremely supportive. There is no need to describe all the details, however she attended Cliff’s funeral, she knew (far better than I) what I was capable of and gently persuaded me to not set myself up to fail. S called me every single day to check how I was and just to talk. She even introduced a charity raising element at each team meeting, to commemorate Cliff throughout the year. It is also because of S that I sought counselling and began my journey towards healing. I can honestly say that I would not have coped as well this year, on a personal basis, without the foundation that she laid down for me at work. · I was terrified that I would be treated differently when I returned to work and need not have been. Not one person in this building avoided me, in fact everyone from Senior Managers to the ladies who work in the Deli, all came straight up to me on my first attempt to return to work. · AS took an hour on a Saturday to talk to my local BMW car dealership to ensure that the car I was thinking of purchasing was the right decision for me, because I was so used to my husband dealing with those issues that I didn’t feel confident enough, not to mention the fact that I frankly wasn’t capable of making a sensible choice at the time. This resulted in my driving confidence returning, and today the car is literally my umbilical cord to the world. · My new Line Manager, DS is now helping to support me by agreeing realistic objectives for 2010 and gently guiding me into the new year, managing me to ensure that I do not take on more than I am ready for, because she understands that I ache to run before I can walk, somehow ensuring that I don’t even feel bad about it. The list is endless, truly. It is always a dangerous thing to do – to start mentioning people by name in case you omit someone, and I know that I have, however it is simply to keep this email to a sensible length. Suffice to say, that my peers have been amazing, simply by offering to help, by listening, by giving empathy and offering their company at weekends. Previous Line Managers, such as OM have dropped whatever they have been doing and given me 5 minutes so that I can sanity-check decisions that I now have to make on my own. Senior Managers, especially RB and PS, during an exceptionally busy year, have made a point of stopping by my desk to see how I am doing. I am very fortunate to have a loving and solid network of family and friends, but I have to say that this year, and for the next couple of years, ........ will be my anchor. This year it has been the only place where I have felt as though I am in my comfort zone. I sincerely doubt that any of the colleagues I have mentioned are aware of the impact that their actions or words have had, but I shall never forget. It is very important, especially when you feel as though your whole world has gone, to remain grounded, and for me, one of the ways to accomplish this is to think about what I have to be thankful for. There are many things that I have to be grateful for, however one answer that I felt compelled to share with you is this. ........... is DEFINITELY a great place to work. Have a good Thanksgiving. Best wishes

Marsha, that made my heart swell with empathy. I can almost picture you having to answer the question and battling the tears. I feel the same way about Christmas coming at me - and have pasted link to my blog entry about it. Let's hold hands through this. Thanks for sharing. I'm thankful that Cranksgiving is over for another year, bah humbug http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/11/christmas-is-coming.html

what a wonderful idea - I will try and do this next year. Having no children I am not obliged to have a tree this year and therefore shan't. But I love this idea ...

PJ, I will be thinking of you and Nicole tomorrow. I have just sent a post to Marty to everyone in the States for tomorrow. Much love, Boo xxx

thanks everyone! I'm glad it's not just me that looks at the full moon and howls ;-) Love to all of you. It is year end here and crazy busy. But it keeps my mind focused during the day

When I think back On these times And the dreams We left behind I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get To have you in my life When I look back On these days I'll look and see your face You were right there for me In my dreams I'll always see you soar Above the sky In my heart There will always be a place For you for all my life I'll keep a part of you with me And everywhere I am There you'll be And everywhere I am There you'll be Well you showed me How it feels To feel the sky Within my reach And I always will remember all The strength you gave to me Your love made me Make it through Oh, I owe so much to you You were right there for me 'Cause I always saw in you My light, my strength And I want to thank you Now for all the ways You were right there for me For always In my dreams I'll always see you soar Above the sky In my heart There will always be a place For you for all my life I'll keep a part of you with me And everywhere I am There you'll be And everywhere I am There you'll be There you'll be - Faith Hill I search the ruins of the world I call my own In hopeless desperation now I make the journey home I find that everything is not the way it was You cannot fight the future; no you can't turn back the clock The rain upon the mountains The eagle in the sky And the wolf and raven prowling all around A broken cross will mark the holy ground And when I'm gone, the world carries on And you must carry on too When I'm not around, time won't stand still Your memories will always be true You've got to hold onto the dreams we once shared Always be together even when I am not there I'll be beside you every step of every day Though you cannot see me, feel my presence on the way - Williams

I think it scares them too. (as if grief or death is contagious - ha) Yes, and also they are scared of saying the wrong thing, or they are scared of crying in front of you. I think it makes people feel uncomfortable because they know they can't take away the pain, they feel helpless. My counsellor has told me that I need to cry with someone else. I can't. Not yet. I cry everyday, but when I am at home, sometimes in my car, not at work, not with friends or family. Only ever with my dogs. My grief was public at first (no option - no control!) then private and still is. I prefer it that way. The thought of letting go and being held is appealing actually ... but I'm to scared to do it. Not yet!

Kath, that was wonderful to read. Especially that the words "came across your heart" rather than just out of your mouth. It stuns me that people think you cannot be happy without a man in your life. The fact is that we were very happy with our husbands but they are no longer here .... but that doesn't mean that we need to seek replacements. They were special. How CAN they be replaced? They cannot. Many friends I know have rich fulfilled lives and are single. Why can't we be like that? Well the answer is - we CAN! You have made my day xx