Lost

[peanut40]

My mother passed away April 18, 2009 after a year long battle with lung cancer. I was thankfully by her side the last week non stop. Which is worse, being there to watch them pass or getting a phone call that they passed? Neither, cause either way you have grief, guilt, anger and every other horrible emotion to deal with. Everyone says it gets easier as time goes by, when will that happen? Should I feel guilty cause i just want to move on with my life and not think about it like i do now? I'm not the type to take pills for anything, but I'm seeing no other way of dealing with that and so many other things now. I had to move into my mothers house, I lost my job because of taking care of her and now cant find another to save my life, I'm taking care of a learning disabled brother and my child, what more could go wrong. Will there ever be anything good out of this horrible time? Sorry if I'm making anyone down, just needed to vent it all out. I've tried journaling, therapy and group and nothing seems to make it better, easier or make me feel better. The tears never seem to stop and its a combination of so many things gone wrong. I miss her and wish more then anything in this world that she was her. She was my best friend, my therapist, my drill sargeant, my all. I feel so lost and empty without her by my side.

[Sherr]

I know how yo feel and I am going to tell you a little stroy and not that it is worse/better than anyone's else's situation, but it may make you feel better. this is my story. this is why you feel so much guilt, but after ll this happened to me and I had no other family support, therapy and medication were a godsend. I am not big on it, ubt in order the athe anxiety that i started having, it helped and so did a therapist. I would not be feeling somewhat normal, if those things weren't there. I hope when you read this, I haven't scared you or made you feel worse, but sometimes when you here someone's else's story, you know what the new normal is. I kept getting told it will get better, and it did, it just takes a while, but I know I it will never go away for good. I now think to myself, "what or how would my Mom want mt to do?" and I already know that answer.....takes time and for me it is still fresh...... (((((((HHHHUUUUGGGSSS)))))))

What the hell is wrong with the system?? I, too had a very similar experience and have endured 5mths of anxiety and heartache, trauma, anger, sadness, anger and more anger, but I managed to suppress it, only because I needed to be there for my Mom. My mom was first hospitalized on Dec 24, 2008 (in BC) and to a hospital which I absolutely heard nothing but negativity with, but being the closest thing to her, it had to be done. She was delirious, to say the least, I had no idea what happened to her, as she stated that she may have had a stroke, but I did know that definitely she was not the same person and she didn’t function properly. Now, my mom was a bi-lateral amputee, which means she had no legs, due to Diabetes (terrible disease!!) so she needed use of a wheelchair, which she had a motorized one. She was very independent, sometimes almost too much, but as long as I talked to her every other day, I knew she was ok. So, that day she was off to the hospital via ambulance and had a stay of 5 days in emergency, because of the overload of people, I guess. So now, after her 3 day there, somehow someone left her rails of her bed down and she fell onto the floor. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE LOOK ON MY FACE WHEN I ARRIVED THERE LATER?????????????????? All I got was, "oh, she fell out of bed and we don’t know how"? HOW DO YOU REACT TO THAT?? IAM AT THERE MERCY TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER, WHO IS OBVIOUSLY NOT QUITE COHEARANT, AND THIKS SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE NORMALLY DOES?? WAS ANYONE CONCERNED?? WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE THERE EVERY WAKING HOUR, JUST SO THAT I COULD MAKE SURE SHE WAS OK????? These are the questions that still race in my head and no wonder I can't over this!!!! Oh and there is more.......so, after she fell out of bed, they are now on alert of her and carefully watching her, not to mention that she had x-rays and there was a fracture in her back.......an now here is where I question her safety in this hospital. Her quality of life has now been diminished by this "accident" and now not only dealing with the goings on of why she isn't coherently there, but now for sure, she cannot use the strength of her arms, with her back to get in and out of her chair!!!!!!! LIKE, HOW CAN ANYONE DEAL WITH SUCH INCOMPATANTCIES??? I am relying on the system to do their job and not have me meddle, but in the other hand I know that I cannot possibly take care of my Mother single handily, I don’t have the strength, no one does, as it take a toll on your well-being and life.

To carry on with my story, she was now very incapacitated and very unhappy and very uncomfortable etc... this is so heartbreaking to see and as I had to endure it every day that she was there and still work full time, with NO time off....she eventually went to a room, but no conclusive evidence of a stroke, but definitely something not right, but hey, I am no Dr........she stayed there for about 3 weeks and then they called me that day that she was being let go, but with no notice of it, and told me she was on her way..in a taxi and I talked to a Dr and he says that she seems ok, and that she wanted to go home......who the hell would want to stay there anyways??? But whatever...I meet her at her apt. where she has been taxied and when she gets out I know that she is not alright, but once again, what do I know?? I get her settled and I know that she is still in alot of pain with her back, and I am not confident about her staying by herself, but I don't have a choice, but I see her everyday and call her every day to make sure she is ok. Now, here is the next in my traumatic journey, in just 2 weeks something happened to her and now it seems she had a stroke and she was not capable to call 911 and I tried to call her (as \I went away for a few days and asked that my cousin do something if I need her to get to my Mom, but I failed to give my cousin my mom's phone number...(guilt part 2) so as it was, I called my Mom and she never answered the phone. I called half a dozen times and then got a sudden sick feeling like something was very wrong. I go there and more traumas I endured, yet again, and she was not ok and that she must have been on her couch for maybe 2 days, straight..(I will never know) There is more to this, but I am keeping the graphics out of this. I call the ambulance and off to the same hospital she goes......the terror of that was too much, but I had no other options...

She spent all of Feb, March and was moved to a temp. Care facility in April. End of April, she was moved to a permanent place and that is where is basically passed away. So within 5 mths, my Mom is gone, poof..just like that. The last traumatic scene to all this was when she got moved to her new place she was only there for about 3 weeks when she had to be admitted to ICU as she apparently had a heart attack....She had been nauseated for the last 4 days of her life and when the day that I went to visit her, was the last day that I would have any verbal contact with her..if only I knew, but I that is why I went to visit that day....I knew...something......She was rushed to another hospital, the good one that I like, and was in ICU until she passed away. When I originally got the 'good" hospital, and they examined here etc..She had a tube down her throat..etc... and the Dr basically said her body was shutting down and explained my options, none of them that would make her quality of life any better....he mentioned that she was this and that and dehydrated..well funny enough I told him she had been sick all week....now would anyone agree that, that is a red flag screaming????? So this is where I am at.......angry, pissed off, hurt trying to cope with my mom's death, trying to reason with not blaming the governing bodies involved....I am not sure why I haven't started smoking again....