16 Years Old, It Happened About 6 Months Ago

[Nigna]

sup yall? im 16 and my brother passed 6 months ago on marth 8th, 2009. it was weird, he was living down in PA with my aunt for about 6 months previous to this after fighting a heroin addiction. he went to the doctor claiming he had all this anxiety and depression and the doctor prescribed him to some benzos such as xanax and diazapam and things like that. my aunt kicked him out cause he was disrespectful and he wasnt doing anything but laying around, he also stole a bottle of cough syrup to drink and get high off of. it was pretty clear at this point he was heading towards an end. after he got kicked out he moved up to new england to live with my dad whom he had not once in his life had the chance to live with. we would visit with him, but never lived with him. after he moved in with my dad he began going to NA (narcotics annonomys) and counsuling and trying to get into a school. or at least thats what he said. what he really would do would be sit around all day while my dad would work claiming he filled out job applications and checked out schools. he lived with my dad for a month before passing and on the last week of that month i talked to him on the phone. we never got along, but we talked for about 45 minutes to an hour. i kept telling him it was crazy for him to be on anti anxity medication and anti depressents and i told him he didnt need them. he was 19 by the way, and in the 16 years i knew him he never ever was depressed or had anxiety. but i told him he acted different and he was acting more confident then he should be, he was disrespecting people not because he was trying to be mean, but because he felt he was close enough to everyone to make a joke about them, and he took it over board. i asked him about his future and all this and he realy made it sound like he was doing good. untill the end of the conversation. he couldnt resist telling me he was high off cough syrup. he said he really just needed to get high off something and he didnt know where to get any drugs in my dads area. nor did he in my aunts area. i told him i was calling my dad to tell him because it really disappointed me that he was doing it behind my dads back, he was making it seem like he was doing good but really he wasnt. i told my dad what was going on. my brother called me later that day and said, "what the **** dude, look what you started, you didnt have to tell dad, what the ****!" and yelling at me. so i hung right up. my mom let me know he would be coming up to see her on saterday when my dad comes to see me. (i live with my mom about 90 miles from where my dad lives) and she said my brother would be coming up to go to a concert with a few of his friends from around here. i said no, dont let him up here, why would you do that after finding out he drank cough syrup?. my mom felt bad for him because although he had been living with family, for the past 7 months, he hadnt had any of his friends around and she thought mabey if he got to see some of his friends he would be happy for a while. him and my dad came up on a saterday and at about 10 am in the morning he walked up stairs and i could hear him go into his room and say "what the ****?" in a disappointed way, not in an angry way. he was upset because i tore his posters down in his room. i forget why i did it but i did it a months before. he didnt bother coming and saying anything to me just because of our last conversation. he went down stairs and went in my kitchen talking with my mom and dad. i got ready, came down stairs, ready to leave with my dad and go off for the day while he would spend the day with my mom. i looked at him for a second when i got to the kitchen and he waved, but as he put his hand up i turned my head. we didnt say anything to each other, we barley looked at eachother. i went off for the day with my dad while he spent time with my mom. it was a beautiful day out, although it was pretty cold cause its new england in early march. when i got home i really needed a cigerette(i quit smoking 2 months ago) so i was hoping he would come home and i could be like "its all good now if you give me a cigerette" and he did come home, but only for a second to tell my mom he wasnt going to the concert.

i didnt get to ask him for a cigerette or say anything to him. i only saw him out my window, and he was getting into his friends car. that was the last time i saw him. ever.

i went out that night and it sucked cause i needed a cigerette but it was like whatever. the next day was sunday and it was a good day at first, i had gotten someone to buy me cigerettes so i had that taken care of. my friend rode his bike down to see me from his house and and we decided to head up to his house. he rode his bike and i had a kid i know drive me up to a park near his house where i waited for him to get there on his bike so we could be close and he could be a little ahead of me when we got to his house. as soon as i saw him on the side walk i ran up behind him and my phone rang. he was riding kind of fast but we were only a quarter mile from his house so it was ok. i did not reconize the number on my phone and i picked it up. it was my mom, and shes kinda sounding soft and not happy. i said "whad up" and she said "i have terrible news, do you need me to come pick you up?" and im like nah im fine what is it? it cant be that bad. and she said "your brother passed away." i was by myself about a little less then a quarter mile away from this kids house. my heart was beating so hard i knew it wasnt healthy. i didnt know what to say or think. i had no idea what to exepect, i didnt know if it would effect my life forever. i was worried about my parents, especally my dad and how they were dealing with it. i got to the kids house where i managed to keep my cool. i walked in and sat down. in his mind everything was all good. he was playing gutair hero and i said "dude, my brother just died". and he didnt believe me..i didnt care though, cause i knew he would find out. my phone was ringing like crazy and i got a call from my close cousin who knew my brother pretty well. and i went outside to take it and i ended up just walking home. it was about a mile walk and my heart was racing.i eventually got to my house, and went upstairs to my room. i layed on my bed and stared at the ceiling for hours in shock and denial while my mom was at the hospital. my brother had passed away from mixing his benzos with alchahol...the autopisy said that the amount of alchahol he had mixed shouldnt have killed him but it did.i feel like there is nothing i could hAve done for him. i knew he was at the end of the line before this happened, and i couldnt picture a future for him. when i was young i remember him saying he wouldnt live past the age of 20. i never thought about that statement till this point.. he was right, and his birthday was only 1 month later.

this is a terrible thing to happen. being 16 i think it is the worse. no teenager wants to deal with death, especally mourning someone you have lived with your whole life, exept for the last 7 months of his life. i just thought, why the hell does this have to happen to me?. but as negitive as it is, it will make me stronger for the future. it will be an expeirence ( a bad one of corse) and it will be a huge mile stone.. it was/is the toughest thing ive been through and i have been through alot of bad things. the first 3/4ths of my life i didnt have my dad around much at all, i used to be really upset about that. me and my mom never got along, and we never will to this day. just 4 months later my grandmother passed away as well. and just before that i got in a dirt bike accadent that almost took my life. i under stand life isnt fair though and i exept these struggles and i work with them so i can be a stronger person...but..it has only been 6 months sence my brother passed away. and i have alot of mixed feelings about it. i am out of denial and i do not feel responsable though...it is still extreamly tough though and NO ONE should have to go through this......if you read this thank you and i am sorry about my grammer/ puncuation. at least its not hand written....thx for reading........

[mlg]

Don't worry about your spelling and grammar on here. We just need to know how to help you. 16 is a hard age in and of itself. You are having a lot of changes in your life anyway and then to have 2 deaths on top of it is daunting.

Just know that there was probably nothing you could have done to change your brother; only he could have done that. You can however make good decisions for yourself and I hope one of them is to quit smoking again. Please learn from your brothers mistakes.

Keep coming back here and letting us try to help you because sometimes the coulda, shoulda, woulda syndrome can really get you down.