Becoming Her....

[dehydrated flower]

Hi - my partner died a couple months ago at the age of 21. There is so much to say about my grief but right now I need to deal with the most concerning issue for me - the hurt she caused me in the beginning of our relationship because she was a sex addict, prostitute, drug addict, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar. Since she passed on I go through times where I can't feel anything but rage and the feelings of wanting to self destruct. Last night I almost threw her ashes off the balcony because she's caused me so much pain since day one and i've had enough of cleaning up after her and taking care of her and her friends. finally when things get great between us (her + I = happiness) and I begin to understand what she is going through, she dies in her sleep. So I guess I need advice on how to deal with these feelings rather than going out and treating my body the way my partner did. I see a counselor but I guess i need others to help too.

[Korina]

Dehydrated Flower:

I feel completely ill-equipped to offer any advice, other than to say that it is very good that you did not throw your partner's ashes off the balcony. I found that, though my feelings were not of anger, I had all these feelings about what I should do immediately after my Scott passed away. But, for the most part, I just shut the door to his clothes, etc, visited family for support. And, 2 months later, I have different ideas about some of his possessions. I am very glad I didn't do anything spur of the moment. I guess what I am saying is that let a good amount of time pass before making any big decisions.

My husband was an alcoholic, and it was soon after he had entered treatment, and was really addressing his disease, that an infection took him from me and our baby daughter. My feelings were mostly of JUST UNFAIR!!!!! And of guilt. For the most part, I have not been angry, but more that of guilt that I had not understood his disease sooner, and helped in a more productive way sooner. But I suspect your anger is a completely natural feeling that you simply need to work through - hopefully your counsellor can help you that.

What I do know for a fact is that the people on this forum have unconditional support and love for each other. I feel your pain and know that I am thinking of you.

And PLEASE take care of yourself and your health, because it so important in getting through this long and hard grieving process.

Korina

[deborah ogren]

Hi - my partner died a couple months ago at the age of 21. There is so much to say about my grief but right now I need to deal with the most concerning issue for me - the hurt she caused me in the beginning of our relationship because she was a sex addict, prostitute, drug addict, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar. Since she passed on I go through times where I can't feel anything but rage and the feelings of wanting to self destruct. Last night I almost threw her ashes off the balcony because she's caused me so much pain since day one and i've had enough of cleaning up after her and taking care of her and her friends. finally when things get great between us (her + I = happiness) and I begin to understand what she is going through, she dies in her sleep. So I guess I need advice on how to deal with these feelings rather than going out and treating my body the way my partner did. I see a counselor but I guess i need others to help too.

dehydrated flower,

I just read your post, and the first question that pop into my mind what was her name? It is obovious that you are really angry at her, otherwise you might regret getting rid of her ashes. One thing that you might want to do is write her a letter and tell her why you are so angry at her. Sometimes when we write our feeling down they become more real to us.. If they are real we then can adress some of the issues and problems. How long were you together? You don't want to get in the mode of self destruct, because you are better than that. Ask your self a few questions it won't be real easy. First is how do you feel? Why do you have so much rage? Did you love her? Why do you feel that you have to clean up her messes? Why did she die in her sleep? I don't believe that you want to end up, or absuse your body. I think right now you have so many thing going threw your mind that you aren't sure which way is up or down.

I just lost my partner after 25 years from cancer, it has only been 5 months. Each day is pretty hard, but I know that it is going to take some time. It is a long journey but you are not alone. We all will support you. Speaking to a counselor is very important, posting, journaling these are some of things you can do. I recently find myself reading alot, typing letter to her to tell her what I'm feeling this day or the next.

You have to be good to yourself, treat yourself with love and respect. We are all human beings and we all make mistakes. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it....... Feel free to reply if I can help you in any way.

Love & Peace

Deborah