My Father Died..

[JLB.1971]

I hate myself. I feel numb, frozen in time to where that fateful event happened. I miss my dad and want him back. It isn't going to happen. I think as days go by that I may be going crazy. Sometimes other people think that. A monster, they call me. A demon child. That hurts me. I take councilling as well. I want to be without hate. Not this monster that everyone thinks I am. I write in a journal almost every day that I remember. That helps a little but doesn't seem enough. I need to know there are people out there that feel the same way I do, went through the same kind of thing I did. My dad died of Lung Cancer.

[pastmidnite]

I hope that you are finding support during this difficult time! I'm glad you say you are seeing a counselor, but I know that my seeing a counselor sure didn't "fix it". Using a journal, seeing a counselor, joining grief support groups online, many different tools to help through the grief for me, but I am continuing to think of this as a journey that I have to go through. That I have to remember that people labeling me and telling me what I should and shouldn't feel and do in my mourning had to do with what they are going through in their grief many times. My mom was incredibly insensitive, rude and unkind through her dad's illness and subsequent death along with my dad's illness and placement in a nursing home. It was really hard to remember that it wasn't personal--that death brings out the best and worst in people and everybody deals differently.

Wishing you all the best.