pastmidnite

I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes there isn't anything to do but cry and remember and talk. It sounds like you had a great relationship with your cousin and I can only imagine how it is to learn more about him now. Hang in there.

I have found that for me it helps to have a grief counselor I can share deeply with that I don't have to deal with on a personal and professional level. I think that people at work mean well, but as you note--it is a lot--when dealing with grief and expecting anyone to fully be there for me seems to lead to disappointment and feeling worse. I am especially careful with work relationships, because although people might mean well I don't want them to know my deep down personal as it can lead to betrayal too easily and I have to work. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you'll find support in a variety of places. The emotions and complications that come when a death of a parent is coupled with a really rocky relationship. My dad died in September. I'm still in the ups and downs of dealing with that as well so don't hesitate to come here and reach out any time!

Don't get me wrong he didn't give them to me I learned them as so many survivors do. And of course I'm up and down and all over the place emotionally right now--and it doesn't help to say this is normal and to be expected, but it does...you know. I appreciate this site very much and was just remembering that I joined 4 years ago when my grandpa passed away and my sister and I had to help get my dad to sign himself in for evaluation--what a horrible time that was and all of it happening at the same time. I'm thankful for the space to heal and the wisdom of those who have built this community.

keep breaking the chain I had thought over the years about the gifts that my abusive dad helped me develop. The ability to deal with stress, talk to people, problem solve. I had to shift from what I didn't have and get to look at what I was able to become not only despite but also because of the difficulties I faced in my house.

I thank you all for your responses and kindness. I agree that the complications with the relationships we wish we had with people can add so much uncertainty in the grief process. I had done a lot of processing and expected a different response for whatever reason--probably because I forgot that you can prepare all you want and that doesn't change the way the reality of the finality of death hit you. My dad had been in a nursing facility for the past 4 years and Kay as I've read your posts about your mom I have thought I kept about the right balance for me and I hope you are for you as well--it sounds like it and constantly checking in about that. He had dementia as a result of long term MS and being in the end stages of the disease. Some days he was back working and he often thought my mom lived at the facility as well. I needed to visit although I didn't think I would when I no longer "had" to in order to see my mom. I only visited two to three times per year, but I sent cards and called as well. I agree that my dad (as many abusers are) was a truly unhappy person deep down and I also believe he had an undiagnosed personality disorder. I certainly know that he had a difficult childhood himself. The last two weeks of his life I went through getting him set up on hospice and he went very fast. It had long been expected--he had been sick for years. It is true that I currently spend a lot of time thinking about the good times, the bad times and the in between--feeling many different feelings at the same time. I am glad that I was there with him to say goodbye and that he is no longer suffering. Despite the fact that he made the choices in life that alienated him from my sister, me and my mom I still found it important to approach him with compassion and make the visits and cards meaningful. Thanks again and I'm sure I'll continue to process.... Another note--as we all know, people tend to get strange about things when they are grieving (I was so upset about an email for work and it seemed so important at that moment--the next day I realized it was just that I was feeling so raw that everything was a bigger deal than it was)and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. So although asking if one is in the will may seem inappropriate it likely comes from a place of did he really love me or I want something to prove he cared despite our estrangement. My family asked about the STUFF at the nursing home, and at first it was a bit weird to me, but I realized it was more about their need to process and less about THINGS. That isn't always the case, but I think it is often.

...and we had a difficult relationship. He was not a good dad to me and my sister. He was emotionally abusive to us and our mom for 40 years. I didn't know his death would hit me this hard. I am so sad and reliving so many memories. Additionally, there is the weird dichotomy because he was so nice to people that weren't family that most people don't get it and think he was such a great guy.

I have been reading your posts and note that I respect you very much and the fact that you keep trying to find the help that you need--keep at it. Have you contacted Catholic Charities in your area. I am not religious, however, they have licensed therapists in many areas that offer low cost and even free counseling to those that need it regardless of religious belief, social, etc... They are non-faith based counseling services from my understanding. Good luck!

Sometimes life is so very hard to deal with and grief over many loses can make that harder. There are still times that I really need to tell my grandpa something and it just makes my heart heavy. Try not to judge yourself by what you think others are going to judge you with! I have found counseling so very helpful to me when I was dealing with multiple difficulties and although there is that stigma of being "crazy" overall I was able to recognize that this is a tool that many people find very useful in dealing with the difficulties life throws at us. That situation with your jobs sounds HORRENDOUS! Good for you for standing up for yourself as hard as it is. Try to set it aside and not dwell on it except for when you are preparing or have to. Know that this board is full of helpful people! Hang in there.

I'm glad that writing this out helped you--keep at it there are many people here to listen and share with ... just knowing that there are others who are dealing with loss and do indeed still mourn past what others seem to think they "should" has been helpful to me. What I find is people are really uncomfortable with loss because it is too much reality for them and they would like to think that life just goes one and everyone is okay with that when it doesn't really work like that. For me finding ways to honor my loved ones that I've lost and integrate them in to my life as I get used to the new world I have to live in without them physically present is what I've been doing. Some days that works and other days I just cry and cry because I don't want to accept that this is the reality of the world that I now live in. One moment at a time. Peace

Your post really touched me--I am very sorry for your losses and have been very close to my grandparents as well. My grandpa died June 1, 2009 1 month before my grandparents 60th anniversary. Part of the process for me was letting myself feel really sad and cry, but I was/am still working so I have a routine -- in the beginning it was hard to keep going, but as time went on it gave me some normality in this new world without grandpa. I wonder if finding a volunteer activity that interests you might be a good start to making new connections with people and leaving yourself time and space to grieve?...

I'm not quite there, but my wife is going through peri-menopause and recently lost her father. She has shared that it is difficult to know which emotions are triggered or intensified by which thing. I wanted to let you know that I had read your post and I am sorry to hear how difficult this is for you and I have witnessed some of this for my wife. Thinking of you.

There aren't many words that will likely give you much comfort, but know that there are people thinking of you and sending you comforting energy. Thinking of you during this difficult, unthinkable situation.

If it was me I would probably think of him as gone for a coping mechanism and keep an eye on the paper online, because I would want to know. Grief can make people do and say horrible things to people they previously cared about. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and can only encourage you to keep breathing and coming here to share your thoughts feelings.

My friend said to me that although people say it gets easier to him it gets "different" rather than "easier" like people say... I am sorry you have to deal with this!

I'm so sorry you have to deal with the insensitive jerks of the world like your manager. People are so ignorant and lack understanding too often. From reading your posts I know you have dealt with not only the insensitive comments but violent responses to your relationship and sexuality. I am always amazed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of your posts in addition to your growth of spirit that is evident. I am hoping that sharing someone else has noticed and been help will help ease your struggle as well. As you grieve your loss of your bike and search for new ways of clearing the cobwebs I'm sending you positive energy and hugs to support you in that search. Thinking of your today.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that I will always miss my people I've lost...no matter how long it has been. People just don't know how to talk about it and how to support each other through it sometimes. Sounds like you had lots to deal with on top of the loss of your mom. Hang in there!

I also used food as a comfort and my excuse was that life is too short and I couldn't care at the time. I have not control, etc... Then I decided to try looking at eating healthy, exercising was something in this life that I can control and use a stress reliever. It took me several months to get there, but I did... I use sparkpeople.com sometimes to track my food/exercise -- help with focus

kayc and loulou--it is hard for me to put things in words as well, but I certainly understand how hard it is to live in a world with parents that have been abusive. I have found that people get really uncomfortable when they know, especially if I have any emotional reaction to the fact that my dad has always been really abusive and an ass and my mom spent years allowing us all to live in that horrible situation and then staying in it on her own for many years after. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to be done with the relationship with your mom. My dad has ended up in a nursing home at a very young age due to a physical illness and I struggle with not visiting him or having much contact, but I can't want to. One of the nurses said that I should have as much contact as possible--I said something about how easily my dad gets upset and how angry/difficult he becomes when talking to me. She actually said No he is so kind and pleasant...I said something like, "well you didn't have to live with him, I'm glad he is nice to you and the people there." Other people don't get it... I hope you both find peace. Thanks for letting me share some of my story here too.

I find that sometimes I'm really angry even now and it has been almost a year since I lost my grandpa...who was more of a father to me than mine ever was. I find that if I remind myself that people says stupid things, but that I do too sometimes and that I was thoughtless when many of my friends were grieving because I had never experienced it it helps me keep that in perspective and remember that I may just be mad and directing it at them. I found the first spring and summer to feel suffocating so I hear you on the wanting to hide from the sun...it was like the green of spring felt heavy, heavy heart, sad head, etc... People wanted me to feel better and what I found was that I preferred when they stopped asking so I could grieve alone and process with the one or two people that really understood and stay on the surface with others so I could function in the work world and even the family world, because so many of my family just don't want to talk about it or deal with it in the same way I need to now and needed to then... I feel different as time goes on, but I still miss grandpa and wouldn't want that to stop... Hugs

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss--nursing someone as they die is something that I found very overwhelming as well as something that I wouldn't have given up for anything in the world. The first few months I spent a lot of time reliving those last days and had trouble remembering life before that. I hope that you begin to remember the times before your brothers illness soon and finding some comfort in them as precious memories. I have dealt with two close losses in the past few years with my partner. In those it was an added challenge and stress to figure out how to support my wife when she lost her sister unexpectedly in a drunk driving hit-and-run while maintaining our relationship. She changed a lot and needed totally different support/conversations for a very long time. I found that it helped to hear what was going on with her and to have her remind me that it wasn't anything personal that dealing with this loss had shaken all of her beliefs about life. Talking about things and sharing with me helped me understand what she needed and to respect it. One thing that strikes me as something that you will want to be careful about it being honest with your wife and yourself about the comfort of other women and making sure that you aren't putting yourself in situations where the comforting might go in a direction that you would regret and that would really threaten your relationship. That doesn't mean you have to stay away from your brother's friends and family that bring you comfort, but that you have to ask yourself if you are feeling drawn sexually/emotionally to the women in ways that are worrisome so that you can make sure that you don't spend time alone with women who you are attracted to due to the pain shared and desire to get away from it for awhile. Again, this may not be anything that you are or need to be concerned about, but I know that many times I get destructive with myself when I am really sad. I recently spent a short period of time dealing with my grandpa's hospitalization and death. I was the oldest granddaughter and was expected to take off and be at the hospital with him and make most of the decisions. I wanted that, but I also found it to be a lot of pressure. Now 8 months later I have been dealing with changes in myself and finding ways to talk to my wife about the different outlook I have right now. Some days I'm more successful than other. During the first weeks after grandpa's death being back at work was really tough. I found that talking to a grief counselor was helpful in that although it didn't change how difficult things were or how much I had trouble making it through the day she gave me some ideas of coping mechanisms for when I had to focus for longer periods. One was that she suggested that I keep some items that brought me comfort in a type of slow down and focus kit in the car and in my office so that I could smell, see and feel things that brought me back to myself and then put away the grief until I could get done what I had to at work and then get home. I am still struggling with how to deal with the fact that as life goes one I have to continue to deal with the people that mean the most to me dieing.... I hope that you will find ways to talk to your wife and your family to support each other and that she will be open to talking with you and remembering that she has to deal with grief herself in a different way.

I have dealt with many varieties of estrangement in my life. My dad became estranged from his family due to numerous and very arduous fights over caring for their ailing parents and making off with everything in the house. For 25 years we did not have any contact with that side of the family. Recently there have been interactions and they can get quite tense--what helps me is to simply remind myself and sometimes say out loud to them that what is done is done and can't be undone--I just want to move forward. When my grandpa died recently my mom's behavior was ridiculous--her grieving involved reverting to childlike behavior and being rude, selfish, etc... with everyone. I am still working on getting past that myself and being able to have a relationship with her. I remind myself quite often that everyone grieves differently and it sometimes involves anger at the whole world. During the time of my grandpa's illness my dad became increasingly ill. We have had a relationship in that he was married to my mom for my whole 40 years and although he was abusive and I hoped that my mom would divorce him I tolerated seeing him, talked nicely with him because she stayed with him. Over the course of his deteriorating health he became increasingly abusive and unable to be cared for at home--my parents were divorced right after my grandpa's death 8 months ago and he was finally placed in a nursing facility. I am now in the process of deciding what type if any of a relationship I want to have with him now that it is entirely my choice. I have talked with him twice over the course of the past 8 months--before that I saw him about once a month. With your sister it seems perhaps you need to come up with "time-out" agreements as was discussed before things get tense and also maybe you can come up with a mantra for yourself that you can say outloud if you need to. You can't change her way of interacting and you are aware of it so you can only change how you react to it. My sister and I used to have screaming fights...we now are at a point where we can discuss tense things we disagree about even without screaming, but only by me changing how I interacted and then she was able to see differently and act differently. Me demanding that she interact differently didn't do a bit of good. At first I simply left the conversation quietly when she got going and reminded myself that that was how she handled stress, tried not to take it personally, etc... Hard stuff--good luck!

Wow, this post is a reminder of how scattered I was that day. I wondered why there were no replies and then I re-read it and realized that it didn't make very much sense... Anyway, my grandpa's death is the first really close loss I have dealt with in my adult life and I am really struggling with it. Life/death cycle -- why/when/how do we really get to acceptance of this? I hate not having grandpa here all the time. I have been seeing a counselor and that helps some... I've come a long way to where I can function day to day, but as I've read others saying now is when reality comes and every visit to grandma's is a reminder and new time without him. I also am really worried about the next death I'm going to have to deal with because of the reality this brings that we have to continually deal with loss of those we love in life--it is part of the process. Again, I hate it!

I hope that you are finding support during this difficult time! I'm glad you say you are seeing a counselor, but I know that my seeing a counselor sure didn't "fix it". Using a journal, seeing a counselor, joining grief support groups online, many different tools to help through the grief for me, but I am continuing to think of this as a journey that I have to go through. That I have to remember that people labeling me and telling me what I should and shouldn't feel and do in my mourning had to do with what they are going through in their grief many times. My mom was incredibly insensitive, rude and unkind through her dad's illness and subsequent death along with my dad's illness and placement in a nursing home. It was really hard to remember that it wasn't personal--that death brings out the best and worst in people and everybody deals differently. Wishing you all the best.

Deepest sympathy--birthdays, holidays, etc. are so hard. Just when I think I am making some sort of peace I find that I am back in an angry place. I watched my grandpa suffer in the hospital and kept thinking--WE ARE IN A HOSPITAL THIS IS RIDICULOUS! In reading your posts I can feel that sense of helplessness that comes over you when you can't do anything and can't get anything done to change things. I hope that you find support here. I tend to think that sometimes with signs that intense anguish, anger can get in the way of being open to the signals we are desperately searching for... you've been through a tremendously emotional trauma with your brothers prolonged illness. Words are hard to express this but I wish you a day of good memories of your brother soon.