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Hello All

I made it through Christmas and so did you. The sense of shock that I felt in August when my life suddenly changed forever returned and I think it was a good thing - possibly a sort of protective mechanism that made me more of an observer than a participant during the festivities. At some level I was able to cope with that and deal better with my emotions and the feelings of others who were also desperately missing the wonderful man who should have been there with us.

And now New Year looms large - the night he proposed to me 33 years ago; the night we always laughed at things from the past year; the time we planned the priorities for the year ahead and the absolute deadline for deciding on a holiday destination (sometimes exotic, sometimes mundane)for the coming year after months of discussion. We thought NYE was just another fun night, but now, on reflection, it was such an important and wonderful night because it celebrated us as a couple - so very much attached yet independent, and looking forward to the future.

I have no life plans now and feel like I have nothing of importance to look forward to - so not me!

And inevitably another NYE is coming.... Two very wonderful female friends, both divorced, who also loved him dearly, have organised tickets for dinner and then a show. They want to fill in the time for us all because they say a 'Happy New Year' at home waiting for midnight isn't going to be the way it is. I guess I'll go and just let it wash over me. I've decided to wish myself 'happy memories' this year and just get through it as best I can.

It's early days I know, and the saying 'great love, great loss' is so painfully true. So my wish for you is that you also find some comfort from your happy memories amongst your sadness at midnight.

And for us all, I hope for a 2010 filled with small but positive steps towards recovering some balance and joy in our lives. I know that this would be his New Year wish for me, and from all that you've written about your loved ones, I know they wish that for you too.....Susie Q

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