Complex, Compounded And Continued Grief

[Greta]

Hello Everyone,

Dear, dear Marty, thank you for finding this beautiful, unvarnished, beyond helpful conversation.

http://www.womensconference.org/the-womens-conference-2009/video/grief-healing

I have been so lonely and so trapped in multiple griefs. The raw heart and pure truth of Elizabeth Edwards rivets me, pivots me, redirects my attention from shame and blame and blackest regret to . . . to a reference point of observant sanity. I feel "mothered" by Elizabeth Edwards. The complexity of her grief, the compounded grief, the never-ending nature of grief . . . I felt a fraction more courage. Courage means heart. I feel as though she took my face in her hands and gently turned it toward the light in the window.

The light in the window is more like moonlight than sunshine. She said we are grieving our lives as we knew them.

I suddenly realized that I have unwittingly achieved a "new normal," and that I am still struggling to accept and understand my new reality. I can make new choices, take a different road.

Listening to these four women talk makes me feel my interior struggle is worthy, and natural. Necessary.

I gave up about a month ago. I took a bunch of pills and drank a bunch of wine and hoped for the best, having insufficient amounts of each. I prayed for an end to pain and a smiling reunion with people who love me, loved me so well and so constantly. I walked into the darkness, not (as Maria Shriver spoke of) the water.

I loved Katie Couric's address. As with Elizabeth Edwards, I like how her mind works. Katie said to herself, "Well, I've been successful before . . ."

A therapist once advised me to behave myself into a new way of thinking. This time, I have to learn to communicate again. I've been silent for so long. I've never really told my story. I'm missing some essential, required honesty in my life. I am tired of waging perpetual war with devils more powerful, poisonous and persistent than I.

I feel better now. I have to start somewhere, and I have to stop thinking I am a "strange" person. I am just a person. I want to learn to appreciate myself again, to see myself as my mother saw me, as her brother my beloved Uncle Bill saw me, as my children once saw me. I need to feel better about myself.

Alice Miller says that great pain requires enlightened witnesses. That is what you all do for each other here. I would like permission to join you, despite my inability to overcome up to this point. I don't know where to begin, but I've truly no other place to talk about it. It's not only a new year, it's a new decade, and I would like it to be a time of truth, light and water in my life, each of which were, at one time, as taken for granted as my clear Colorado air, sun and sky. I want some of it back, even if I must enjoy it differently.

Thank you for listening. I admire you all.

Greta

[kath]

Dear Greta,

Welcome to our loving, supportive family. There is no "too late to grieve" in our world. Each day, each hour, each minute can bring us right back to where we started. Your post touched me. The pills and the wine, that is what started my healing years ago, from addiction. Though my plan was never carried out, it showed me how crazy my life was and how I needed something new, it was certainly not working the way it was. Fast forward ffifteen years, and I haven't had a drop of liquor or a prescribed narcotic since. Freedom carries some big responsibilities, facing our hurts without numbing and allowing a higher power to work through us. I lost my husband two and a half years ago. Our lives were far from perfect, but our love was complete and total. It is certainly different walking without him by my side, but through the support of the people on this site, and a strong faith community, I am still putting one foot in front of the other.

I am sorry for your losses and will pray that you continue to let us walk with you.

Take care,

Kath