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Almost A Year

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This week marks the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. This past year has been so rough and almost surreal. Just the thought that my Dad is gone is still sometimes unbelievable. As is the cliche, the first year is truly the hardest. All those firsts are just emotionally unbearable. I turned 25 just a month after Dad passed and it was not a happy celebratory day at all. I literally live on the other side of the country from my family, so it made the day extra tough. My husband, God love him, tried so hard to make it a special day for me. He understood my grief was still fresh, so his feelings weren't too hurt when he realized I just couldnt be as happy as normal. My Mom flew in for my birthday which helped, but it still wasnt the same. I felt guilty that here I was having another birthday, and my Dad was gone.

Father's Day was the most horrible day for me. Even worse then the day he actually died. I had to work that day and it took all I had to make it through my six hour shift. I came home, and once again my wonderful husband tried his best to cheer me up. But there was really no cheering me up. When he called his Dad to tell him Happy Father's Day, I was kind of jealous that he still has someone to call, and I dont. I probably spent 90 percent of that day sobbing. Even worse was that I have a portion of my Dad's ashes and it just hurt my heart to see that urn and know all thats left of him is ashes.

As, the year progressed, I thought it'd get better. It didnt . Each milestone and holiday became harder then the last. I received somewhat of a promotion and wanted to call my Dad, but realized I couldnt. My Dad was always the first Family memeber Id call with news, because he'd always been my biggest cheerleader.My Dad gave me the confidence in life to suceed, and for that I am extremely grateful.

My Dad's birthday rolled around and that was worse then my own. Even worse, my mother was in so much pain and there was NOTHING I or anyone else could do to make her ok. She's a tough strong woman. My Dad was sick for many years and it was MOm who took care of him the most. We all took our turns, but Mom had the most on her shoulders. My Dad was her everything. We had only lost a father, she lost half of HERSELF when she lost him. I know how badly it hurts me, I cant imagine how she hurts.

THanksgivng and CHristmas were hard. As I said before, being on the other side of the cuntry makes it so hard. Luckily my in laws made Christmas special for me. I truly am blessed to have them. Shortly before I moved out of state, my father in law promised my Dad he'd always take care of me when my Dad passed. THat Fatherly INstinct kicked in almost instantly . My husband was unable to attend the funeral. He had just started a new job, so leaving out of state was not possible. Being the type of person my Father was, I knew in my heart my Dad would've wanted him to stay and go to work instead of losing his job to be at the funeral. So the day I flew back home, my father in law was at the airport waiting for me. As soon as he saw me, he gave me this big giant hug. I really think that having him around has really helped me grieve my Dad. I think its made it kinda easier because he's a father figure. As much as I love and appreciate him , he is in no way a replacement for my Dad, but he's a close second. I'm so grateful for him.

My husband is great about everything. He doesnt quite understand what its like to lose a parent, but he's very supportive. Alot of little things remind me of my Dad, and I randomly start crying. He's patient and talks it out with me and most of the time makes me smile. My Dad had this great sense of humor, so my husband basically looks at things from what he thinks would've been my Dads perspective. And most of the time its spot on. BUt still, he doesnt understand my pain sometimes. He thinks I idolize my father and that I put him on a pedestal. Of course by no means was my Dad perfect, but he was my Dad. ANd he was my hero. I guess its hard for him to understand the bond of a father and daughter. I hope one day when we have a daughter he understands the bond. Until then, I know I just have to be patient with him.

So I was supposed to fly home and be with my family for the one year anniversary, but unfortunately the weather decided to act up and I'm unable to get home. Im completely heartbroken and sad that I cannot be with them. Not just for myself, but for them too. Family is the most important thing, and being around each other helps us heal. It's a really sucky situation but as I always say, such is life .

I just hope I can make it through this week. I feel as though Im falling apart at the seams. I can feel my Dads presence daily, but not having him physically here is the most difficult thing ever. I miss him.

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I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. I lost my Mom and Granny a little over a 1 1/2 years and I still miss them both every day. Unfortuately, I do not have the type of relationship with my Father that you have but I do know the loss. My problem is I am right here with my family and it's like I might as well be in another country. Mom was the glue and now we are kind of coming apart.

I do not have a husband or kids to turn to so I am really glad you have a husband who is so understanding. I know it doesnt always help, but at least he tries and you still have a foundation, build on that. Its weird that even though we are adults, we still want our mommies and daddies. Couldnt wait to get out of the house and now I would give anything to have even one more hour with her. I will be 50 in a couple of months and I still feel like a little girl missing her mom. I am sure that is what you feel for your Dad.

If you need anybody directly to talk to, you can always email me. I don't have any females in my family to understand how I am feeling and maybe we can support each other.

My thoughts are with you as you deal with the year anniversary. It helped me to write my mom a letter, put it inside a balloon and release it to her. Maybe it can help you.

Hugs from Utah, hang in there and lean into your husband.

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I know your feeling about holidays. I endured this last Christmas completely alone. My Mom died just a month earlier, in November. Up until last week it was 3 months that I've been completely separated from family. Then I went home. Stayed with my brother and saw all my remaining family. It was restorative beyond what I can say with words.

You said it best:

"Family is the most important thing, and being around each other helps us heal."

God speed your homecoming too.

Ron B.

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