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[Queeniemary]

I had a total knee replacement on January 11, 2010. On January 13, 2010 while I was still in the hospital my husband of almost 20 years suffered a massive coronary, and died (they tell me) instantly. Unknown to me, he lay on our dining room floor from sometime just after midnight, until discovered by our daughter late in the afternoon, after me not being able to reach him from the hospital all day. There was no warning of the attack, he had not had any symptons, and other than back trouble seemed in pretty good health. He was 62. My life, as I knew it, disappeared when I heard he was dead, and it will never be the same. I have had wonderful support from family and friends. Also great support from his workplace, he was a jailer, and was well liked and respected. He and I were also very active in community theater, and the outpourings from our theater friends, and patrons was amazing. All that helped me make it through the first month. My daughter took a leave from work and stayed with me 3 weeks, as I was not only grieving and in shock, I was recovering from major surgery, not able to drive. I have been back to work since the first of March, and to others I seem to be doing all right. Physically I am recovering very well, emotionally I am not doing all right. I miss him so much, and cannot understand why this happened. Cannot understand why I was not here when it happened, maybe I could have helped him. At least he would not have had to lie on the dining room floor for hours, with only our Corgi dogs for company. They sat watch over him, and did not leave his side right away, even when my daughter came into the house. Monday will be our 20th wedding anniversary. I have taken the day off from work, knowing I just could not handle being around people that day. We did so much together, ours was not a perfect marriage, but we were happy, and so enjoyed acting in the theater together. We played Golda and Tevea a couple of years ago from "Fiddler on the Roof", and one of our granddaughters was also in the cast. I know I have to go on, but I am just not sure how to do this. I think about him all the time. Little things will hit me, and suddenly the grief will just overwhelm me. Mostly I can keep it under control, but sometimes I just cannot. It hurts that I did not get to say goodby to him. My last time to see him was when he kissed me and left the hospital room to return to our home 1 1/2 hours away on the evening of the 11th. I talked to him the next day a couple of times on the phone, the last time about 7:30pm on the 12th, not knowing it would be the last time I would ever talk to him. Thank you for letting me get this out. Everyone thinks I am strong, but I am not as strong as they think. I hope it starts getting better soon, it hurts so much. I am attaching a picture a close artist friend of ours presented to me after Michael's death.