Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Queeniemary

  • Birthday 11/09/1945

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
  • Interests
    Love to read
    Active in Community Theater and Arts Council
    Adore my two Corgi Girls, Sassy and Faith

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. Kathryn, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have not been a very active member of this forum for some time, but feel compelled to reach out to you. I understand the pain you are going through, and just wanted to give you some words from someone who has been there and is now over 6 years out from the loss of my Mike. Mike's death was also very sudden. I was in the hospital, having undergone a total knee replacement, when he died. He had not been ill, nor had any heart problems, but he died of a massive coronary in our home, alone, with our dogs around him. We had talked on the phone just hours before. When I could not reach him the next day (hospital 1 1/2 hours away) I had my daughter check on him, and she found him. He was 61. I will not lie to you, the first few months are still a fog to me, and there are a lot of things about them that I simply cannot recall. I will tell you that the cliché, time helps, is true, at least in my case. Do I still miss him, and long to see his face again, and hear his voice, yes I do. However, I have come to accept my "new normal". I have retired since Mike died, and try to keep busy. Mike and I were both involved in community theater, and I still act in and direct plays. I travel some, as I can afford it. Finding this forum, just a couple of months after Mike died helped me so much. It probably saved my sanity. Being on this forum helped me to learn to live with my "new normal". Being able to vent, rant, rave about what was happening in my life was very helpful. People here are so kind, and non judgmental. They know what it is like for them, and they want to help you. Someone said, try to rest, eat well, and that is important. Grieving is hard work, and you need all the energy you can get. It is very important to take care of yourself. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers. QMary
  2. Margaret, my dear, my heart goes out to you. You are in the beginning of this journey that none of us wants to make. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved. You were there for him, do not beat yourself up because you think there is something more you could have done. We all second guess ourselves. I have been coming to this site a long time, 6 years next April, and you will find caring compassionate people here. You can rant, rage, say anything you want, we all do. No judgement here at all. Will be thinking of you and praying for you in the coming weeks and months... Try to eat, and get rest, I know it is not easy, but it is important for you to take care of yourself. I see from your post, he was a hospital in Little Rock. I live in northern part of the state. QMary
  3. I am reading this thread, and understanding how you are each feeling. Kay has been here a long time, I also have been here for a while. I lost Mike in January, 2010, and found this site in April, 2010. I think coming here, being with people who understand what I was feeling, kept me from losing my mind. There is always this empty feeling, the sadness and grief of being without Mike. BUT, as the years go by, living with his death does become easier. The second and third year were my worst. I was feeling so confident at the end of the first year, I was sure I had it all under control. I did not, I think I was just numb most of the first year. Anne is right, it does not matter the 1st second or third year, or whatever, we all operate on a different schedule. Our grief is personal and individual! For you who are new, I was in the hospital having just had a total knee replacement when Mike died at home alone of a massive coronary at age 62. No history of heart trouble, nothing. I learned of his death over the phone from my daughter. I had ask her to go check on him as I could not reach him on the phone. When I called his phone later, she answered, and had to tell me. Those first few months are just a fog, sometimes I remember them more clearly than other times. I think that is nature's way of helping us to cope. (probably did not hurt that I was on pain meds also) Don't mean to drag this out, but for you whose loss is more recent, I will tell you this. There will be times you think you cannot possibly make it through the day, week, whatever. But you will. Gradually you will make a life without your beloved. Not because you want to, but because, you really have no choice. You can make it where you hide out and let grief consume you (and sometimes that is a good thing to do), but eventually you will decide to forge on. There is no time table, grief is personal. You are making a new normal, you will never have the old normal back. Prayers for peace. QMary
  4. Harry, I understand. I have owned cemetery plots for years, my baby is buried in one of them. Mike will be gone 6 years in January, and I have yet to put a headstone in place. His ashes are resting in a red rock urn from AZ on my bookcase. Dates are on that urn, but somehow putting up a headstone, with his name and dates is just something I have not been able to do yet. Mike did not like funerals, he did not want to be buried, he wanted to be cremated. I have send his ashes all over (or taken them myself), when friends were traveling to different places, Belize, Alaska, Mexico...etc. That is something that he would love. Someday I will buy the headstone, and will put our names and dates on it (or maybe I will just wait and let my children do that). Then our ashes will be mixed together and buried together next to my little son. The date that Mike died is burned in my mind and heart, I don't need to see it anywhere to remember. And I know Harry, it is the same for you. There is no closure, there is only learning to live with the pain and the grief, and the guilt. Yes, guilt, that I am still alive, and he is not. Tears still come unbidden, unexpectedly, no warning, but that is my new normal. As was said earlier, people think I am "over" the grief, but we all have become very adept actors. I will never be over this grief, I have just learned to make it a part of my life and continue. QMary
  5. Butch, I have been out of touch for a bit, did not know about the loss of the twin granddaughters in August. I am so very sorry! I am very sorry that you are having such a horrible time, and now having cardiac issues. You have been dealt hard blows, and sometimes we just have to get through it, however we can. Nothing about all this is easy. I am sorry you feel so stuck, and pray that will start changing for you. You are in my prayers. QMary
  6. It has been a bit since I have posted. I am going on 9 weeks since rotator cuff surgery. I am doing well, and of course, doing therapy. Now can drive with both hands, and type on keyboard as well. I doubt I ever get entire range of motion back, but that is all right, as long as I can do things with both arms and hands. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. QMary
  7. Oh, Anne, what wonderful and positive news. A new grandbaby!!! I am so happy for you, and for your daughter! Thank you for sharing this with us. YAY YAY QMary
  8. Praying for peace for you and Gail. Glad you were both with him when he passed. QMary
  9. Well tomorrow is the rotator cuff surgery, and I feel kind of disconnected. Yesterday was Mike's birthday, and that is always hard. He would have been 68. I am more or less ready for the surgery, house in pretty good shape, and stocked up at Wal-Mart. My daughter is taking me to Fayetteville for the surgery (an outpatient) and then will stay with me through Monday night. I don't even dread the surgery, just the weeks and months of therapy, and getting the shoulder back in shape. I guess I am just feeling a little sorry for myself. I will be fine. QMary
  10. Maryann, you are especially sensitive to "everything" right now, so even an email pointing out an error, even if done in a kind manner is going to upset you. It may not be easy for co-workers to understand that you are not the same person you were before. Especially if they have not experienced this kind of loss. And you are not, Maryann! You may look the same and sound the same, but your life has changed drastically, and it will never be exactly like it was before. Anne and Marty are right, in the workplace, we have to try and live up to standards of our jobs. It is not easy, and letting off steam, when you need to do so, is perfectly fine. We are all here for you, in our own ways. Yes people should still be giving sympathy for your terrible loss, but because many people do not know how to react to death, they just try to avoid any mention of it, including the sympathy part. Take care, and just blow off steam whenever you need to, we all do that from time to time. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. QMary
  11. Thanks all for the sweet words. Fae, what a good idea, I had not thought of getting a perm. I have not had one in years, this may be the time...really short and curly! My hair is already so short, Kay, any shorter and I would have a buz cut. I may let it grow a few weeks and think about investing in a perm....or just slap on a wig when necessary. I have wigs of all colors and styles from plays, so I could wear a different one each day of week...what fun. Enjoyed the night with friends, we invited my dear friend Joe to eat with us, he lost a partner many years ago. He lives very close to Dana. We ate a good supper, drank some wine, and had a good time. Prior to going to Dana's, Dana Tom and I met at movie house to watch "Train Wreck". Knew it was an R rated comedy....but it was really R rated. The story line was actually good, if you could just close your eyes at the raunchier parts! Kind of embarrassing when you are sitting next to a good friend, and he is a male....sure it was just as embarrassing to him! Dr.'s office called last night when I was gone to set up appointment for surgery, and I am to call back on Monday. Also want to chat with them about the injectable anti-coagulation treatment for after the surgery. I did this after last knee surgery, you inject into your stomach fat. Did not really hurt. However I am on medicare and a supplemental now, and coverage is different. I spent some time this morning researching this on my supplemental provider's site. There is only one kind (a generic) and one dose that won't cost me an arm and a leg, metaphorically speaking. I want to make sure that is what is prescribed. $759 vs $15, a no brainer for me. I am finding that I am very down about this surgery. The first major thing I have had done, involving joints, etc, that Mike has not been here for. He died just days after my last major joint surgery (right knee), but he was there through the surgery and afterwards. My daughter stepped up after Mike died, and moved in with me for a month until I was starting to heal. She took me for months to therapy, shopped for me, hauled me around places...I can never repay her for all of that. I just hate the idea of being here alone afterwards. My sister in law said to let them know if I want them to come up and stay with me for a few days afterwards, and I may take her up on that. She is a good organizer, and would take good care of me! I think I am having a pity party....sorry. I think I have already told you all how great the World Premiere of Doublewide, Texas went. Meeting the playwrights, and spending time with them was the highlight of my directing career (community theatre). I am attaching a picture of them, Jones Hope Wooten, with Tom and I at the reception for them at Kirby Manor prior to the play on June 13th. If any of you enjoy live theatre, and get the opportunity to see a play written by these wonderful writers, don't hesitate. I have not seen a play of theirs yet that I do not love. Doublewide, Texas was the 8th I have directed of their plays, and I am planning on another one next June, 2016, "Last Roundup of the Guacamole Queens" QMary
  12. Karen, sorry for Tatum, and hope she is feeling better. Hard, so hard, when animals are sick, and they don't understand what is going on. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you all. When my little corgi Faith developed congestive heart failure last year, you could tell she was so stressed with not being able to breathe normally, and she did not have much appetite either. Lost her only 17 days after diagnosis, in spite of great care from the vet clinic and myself. It is important to have a vet and/or a vet clinic you have confidence in. It has been almost a year now since Faith died, and I still miss her little sweet tri-colored face. Sassy turns 12 this fall, and I watch her like a hawk, so afraid she is going to develop something! Faith and Sassy were just a couple of months apart in age. QMary
  13. Kay, the house we stayed in near Gualala, Ca was right on the ocean. Our deck overlooked the ocean. It was great. It was chilly, so we did not dip toes in (and we would have had to climb down the bluff), however it was wonderful to see and hear the waves coming in. In not so good news, ortho doc. says bad tear in rotator cuff, along with some bone spurs. Recommends surgery, sooner rather than later. He says the longer I put it off, the more it will atrophy, and the less chance for successful outcome from surgery. I have a colonoscopy scheduled for Aug. 17 (6 months from last one to see if more polyps), so I want to schedule after that. I have two weddings this fall, one in Sept. and one in November. Looks like the one in September (step granddaughter in Missouri) will be with my arm in a sling. The dr. office is calling me tomorrow to see what we can get scheduled. NOT exactly how I wanted to spend my late summer and fall. Not to pick up anything with left arm for about 3 months after surgery...... Hair is going to look pretty funny if I cannot lift left arm to wield the round brush when blow drying. May be time to get it cut even shorter than I did yesterday, and that is pretty short! Good thing I have a couple of short wigs! Oh well, this is all joint type stuff, and I have had this done before on right arm, and not only survived, but regained full range of motion, and I expect will do the same on the left. Just down about having to have it done. A good note is that this one will be done arthroscopically, so no big incision like on right shoulder, will be coming home day of surgery. Today my two friends (widow and widower) and I are doing our monthly get together. A movie this afternoon, and then dinner at Dana's house. Looking forward to that. Life is like this, just never know what is going to be thrown at you.....we all know that! QMary
  14. Going to post a little about my trip, a 15 day 12 state trip. Boy were we tired when we got back. It was an amazing trip, one I will probably never repeat, but one I am so grateful I had the opportunity to take. Left Arkansas, stayed in Cheyenne, WY first night, then Reno NV second night, Drove around Lake Tahoe, beautiful. Stayed in a lovely house on Hwy 1 in California north of San Francisco in a town called Gualala for 4 days. Ocean right outside our door! Toured the redwoods, "wine country in the north", ate a lot, San Francisco, Napa Valley, Yosemite NP, Sequoia NP, Las Vegas, Train trip from Williams to Grand Canyon, Sedona, Montezuma's Castle near Camp Verde AZ (I loved this place, probably my favorite, seeing the cliff dwelling, and imagining how people lived there), on to Prescott to pick up oldest sister, then home to Arkansas, through terrible storms in Texas and Okla. Best part of trip....no one got too irritated with anyone!! I was with my brother and his wife, and our friend Tom. As many of you know Tom is my good friend who lost his wife about 6 months before Mike died, and he also graduated from high school with my brother. We all had a good time, but I think we were all ready for our own beds. My sister came and stayed for a bit, but is now back home in Prescott AZ resting up from her trip. Glad to be back on this site too, I know lots has happened since I have been distracted with my play I directed, and the trip, and I probably won't be able to catch up, but will try to be better going forward. Do have one little negative, my left shoulder was giving trouble before trip and has steadily gotten worse. I had an MRI on Friday, and see the ortho dr tomorrow to find out what is going on....I am dreading that it might be rotator cuff.....hoping it is not! Say a little prayer. QMary
  • Create New...