Hey Mom

[benpm]

I don't know where to begin or end here. People think it's a good idea to write these, and I really need to let some pain out this week. I close the sale on your house this Friday. I got a really good real estate agent. Found out after the sale started he actually runs his own radio show, that plus the fact he knows what he's doing would explain why I had a ton of cash offers in less than 24 hrs. of being listed. Sad to say I probably should of sold it right away. Between the housing market collapse and my tendency to start stuff and not finish it, the house went for a lot less than it would of two years ago. I am so sorry for taking bad care of your estate like that. It's not that the money matters, just that the condition was less than you would have tolerated.

So we had to go through and get rid of everything in your house this week. I tried for two years to get anybody to take some of your stuff. People would sometimes pick an item or two. Your closest friends and family wouldn't take anything. Betty and Silvia, have actually gone and ignored me since you died. Seems Betty told at least one friend that I didn't take good care of you. I know this cause her friend told Mary all about me, not knowing that Darlene was Mary's daughter. Darlene told me not to do anything about it, because then Mary's friend would never tell any secrets to her again. Sometimes, I don't really need to know what's in people's heads, especially if it means I can't do anything about it.

We had an estate sale, and it was a flop. I asked some people from work to come over and grab some stuff, but they took very little. We spent all day Saturday sorting out stuff into trash or donation. All your furniture went to the curb, and people snatched it up through the day. It took over 64 contractor bags to put all the trash and donations in. The trash men actually took it all. The purple heart said they would be out Thursday which is the day before closing. I really hope they show up. I'd hate to have to spend the night running back and forth to donation bins in my car. The house is empty now, except for the shed. I am going back tomorrow to finish emptying it. Seems some bees made a nest on the floor and I dragged it out the door. While they seemed pre-occupied with fixing the damage I did, after a little while of stepping around and over them, I thought it best to come back later to finish.

Every time I opened that front door I expected a welcome from the other side. More like a feeling of anticipation, that I had to remind myself wasn't going to happen. I told myself time and time again, to stop feeling like that, but it doesn't go away. At least now it will, because after the next couple of days, the house will no longer be part of our family.

Well anyway, I'm sure you heard that dad died a few months after you. The last few years have been tough for me. Seems I feel too much, but I think too much at the same time, and thought suppresses feeling, and feeling just builds up like a corked bottle of seltzer. I apparently had depression my whole life. I don't know if you could have known, because I hid it in shame. I always thought there was something wrong with me, when I got bad, that was less than manly, and I cried at night alone. I can't see how anyone would have known but me. Except that I never really heard of depression then, and had no idea to deal with it and how. Anyway...

I spent the last couple of years digging deeper into depression, all the time thinking I was lazy and useless. I couldn't open any mail, or send any mail. Strange as it seems, I didn't want to see the bills, and I didn't trust myself to finish mailing them back, so why bother. I kept telling my therapist, I need anti ADD meds to get me motivated, and I would get better. He said I had depression. I said it was because my ADD was keeping me from getting things done. Well, apparently he was right, and stupid me was wrong again. I ended up in the hospital over all of this. I am doing better now. I know better how to deal with it (depression) and the loss of you guys. I am not all knowing, but most importantly I know to ask for help, and not ignore it anymore. The new meds help too, I'm sure.

So it is really getting me down this week, the culling of your life's possessions and such. SO I figured it was a good time to write this letter. I wasn't sure which one to write first. I still have to write Seans, and I did come across his army gear again this week, so I was at a loss as to which loss to address first.

It sucks. It seems I have lost my entire family. Jennifer died a couple of months ago. I thought at this opportunity, and motivated by needs of grief and reconciliation, that I could reconnect with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. This has been harder than it I would have thought. They seem nice and all that, but never call, unless it's to talk to Darlene. They have there own problems, and it is forgivable, it's just hard being without the family I grew up with anymore. I miss always knowing you'd be there.

I hope you like the head stone I got you. I know, whatever. But it did take me over a year to do it, and I must say, even the guy at Greenmount never saw a head stone like it. I put the poem on the back for the less lively of the family not to see it. I am sure I pissed alot of people off. Seems what the funeral director said about there being a temporary marker there, was a lie, or at least misguided. For a year you had no marker, and to those that probably visited, I am sorry. But I guess, they could have also called and said something, if they gave two cents about what I was going through. So in part, I guess, screw em.

This is all I got tonight, I really need to get some sleep. I had hoped this letter would make it easier to cry and let some of this out, but it hasn't. I'l reread Jenny's letter for that I guess, and get into the really crappy stuff in my next letter to you. As crappy as some of this stuff is, it only seems like mechanics. We'll talk later about the crap that really drags me down concerning your death. Goodnight, and I love you.

[SHeiss]

Benpm,

As always, I appreciate reading your letters to your family. I wish I had your courage to start writing again, I just do not feel I am in the right mental state yet. I think I will write one when I have the time though. I have been bottling up my feelings about my dad and I think I am giving myself an ulcer. Your letter is beautiful, kind and caring and I can tell how much you loved her just by the way you were talking to her in your letter. Ever thing about maybe printing it out and tying it to a balloon to "send to her"? That may help a little? Anyway, thank you again for your courage.