6Months Without Dad Still So Sad

[niamh]

hi dear friends,

well, I'm just over the 6 month mark but it's just all so dam hard, 6 long months since I saw my Daddy, talked to him, hugged him but it's also 6 very very short months of grieving, my new lifetime "hobby".

I just hate being in this world without my Dad, it's all wrong and I just wait for it to be over so I can be with him again. This is not getting easier, nor do I have any expectations that it ever will.

I guess I don't understand the whole concept of "time heals" .....my Dad is not coming back to this earth no matter how much time passes. Why would this get easier when it just gets longer and longer since I saw him. I am stuck here without him, I will never not be lonely, I will never not be sad. Nobody will ever love me like he does,nobody will take care of me like he did, now it's just from afar and I can't even feel that love at the moment, I will never ever love anyone like I love him, my heart is with him wherever he is. The heart I've been left with is smashed into a trillion pieces that won't ever be put back together on this earth. So I'm really not sure how time passing "helps", I just don't believe it. I did everything with my Dad, from the smallest little thing to vacations, he was part of everything I did. I MISS HIM, MISS HIM SO SO MUCH, I can't even really put it into words. I don't want just memories, they're not enough, too painful to think of, I don't know anymore what it really felt like to have my Dad around, that security blanket is gone too and I'm just left here, like a lost little girl searching everywhere for her Daddy without knowing when I'll see him again .........if I even knew that it might help. If someone could tell me on date xx.xx.xxxx you will be with your Dad again, never having to let go and being eternally happy but nobody can tell me when.

I read recently where Natasha Richardson referred to the sudden loss of her sister like a bomb exploding on the inside, that's exactly what I feel. To the outside world I look "fine", I look "ok".....because yeah physically my body is adjusting to this shock but on the inside, emotionally, every part of my being has been ripped to shreds so it's all pretty deceiving really isn't it. I know we've said it before, people don't see the true hurt and pain most of the time so they assume we are doing ok, it's definitely something I am noticing more and more as time passes. It's hard sometimes to just bite my tongue when I want to scream and remind them of what has happened to me, to my life, because they have simply long forgotten.

I am NOT going on vacation this year, I am getting really sick of people asking me that. Anybody who knows me knows I always went with my parents/family. Why now would I want to pay money (that I don't exactly have) to go be miserable somewhere else, feeling the knife turning inside me not being able to plan it with Dad, get excited with him looking forward to it, knowing he couldn't come with us etc etc ...NO THANK YOU.

I see old photos of me smiling, laughing and it's like a knife through my heart knowing she's gone,that happy bubbly person has also just vanished, that true smile, true happiness is gone, gone with my Daddy.

I hate waking up to this reality every single day, it's the last thing I think of at night before I go to sleep (often for hours!!!), it's the first thing I think of everytime I wake. I am forever grateful for the 34 fantastic years I had with my Daddy but knowing the best times are gone, makes life too hard, too much of a struggle trying to just get by day by day, minute by minute ....for what ? I wish someone would tell me what it's all about, what the remaining time of my miserable life is all for now (no need to answer that, I need a divine answer, not human )

I cannot think of one single thing left in this world, on this earth that will ever bring me happiness as long as I am here.

UGH I JUST WANT MY DADDY BACK, I WANT TO GO BACK IN TIME AND CHANGE THIS, I WANT GOD or whoever TO GIVE HIM BACK TO ME, I just feel like he was stolen away from me and nobody will give me a reason why, nobody will explain WHY.

Am so frustrated with this concept of "life". Hope I don't upset anyone more than you already are with all my moaning.

hugs and love to each of you and special thanks as always for letting me get these feelings out, without any judging

xo

[2sweetgirls]

Niamh, sweet friend, I wish more than anything that I had something to say that would make it all better but, we both know it's not possible. I feel sad for you and reading this post makes me sad for everyone as we all struggle in our grief. I hope you can have "moments" of hopefulness in the middle of all this crap. Sorry but, this whole grief thing really sucks!!!!

Hugs to you!!!

2sweetgirls

[niamh]

thank you so much hunny, I too wish I could take your pain or at least give the real answer as to why we are put through all this. I just think as time goes on this site is such a gift, having such special friends who relate and just take time to send hugs and so on means so much. I do have little smiles when I see messages and posts just knowing how thoughtful everyone is.

I like to think of all our loved ones up in Heaven or next door in Heaven getting together to guide us to this site. I was only thinking last night that I really think my mind may have snapped if I didn't come here.

anyways,much hugs and love to you today and everyday 2sweetgirls,

niamh

[The_Animal]

niamh, my dad died at roughly about 6 months ago too. I miss him every day. Some days will always be worse than others. Time "doesn't heal". It's just a pat answer that society has made up to try to assuage the feelings and make those of us who "hurt" go away so that the rest of society can be happy. Nobody understands just how special a bond you had with your father; like you do. And when that bond is severed through death, the pain is excruciating. I had that kind of bond with my own father as well. I said it at my own father's funeral. "A part of me left this earth with you, Dad. Nothing will ever be the same again."