It Has Been Over A Year Now

[Tiffanyinaz]

It has been over a year now since my mom passed, but I still find myself struggling to come to terms with it daily. We didn't really have a good relationship and I feel like I failed her in so many ways. Now she is gone and there is no way to fix any of it, it's too late. I can never show her how much I cared. I can never tell her how sorry I am for causing her so much pain and heartache.

An online friend from another site recommended this site to me. Not sure what good it will do. I just recently told my regular doctor that I think I might be depressed and she started me on anti-depressants and referred me to a psychiatrist. Not to excited about talking to a shrink but I have become so unhappy over the last year that I think I need to try something. I guess what I want to know is it normal to be so consumed by grief that it just seams to tear you apart piece by piece. I don't understand how people get past this, how do they move on. I didn't feel this way after my fathers passing, why is this so much worse?

Here is something I wrote in my journal on the other site...just tells a little bit about my mom's passing.

My mother was in the hospital with kidney stones when she found out that her breast cancer had come back. While scanning her kidney they noticed a couple of spots on her spine, then as they did more scans, her liver, her right breast and in the bones of her right arm. It was already stage 4, it was everywhere. She had been saying that she was tired a lot. I told her to go to the doctor. She didn't like doctors and said she was fine. I knew it was something more...I don't know how I knew but it just didn't feel right. I should have done more to convince her to go! When they told her that they couldn't cure it this time but that they could PROBABLY extend her life a few years she almost instantly said no. I knew that it was because she had a rough time with treatment the first go round (I was little and don't remember but family talks!). Now it was November 18 2008 just 9 days before her 65th Birthday which also happen to land on Thanksgiving Day that year. I supported her decision and took a lot of crap from both family and her doctors! It seemed like everyone thought I could just talk her into going along with treatment. Maybe I could have...I know I didn't do enough...I just felt like it was her body, her decision. I wanted to support her, we have been through so many horrible things many of them that I was the cause of that I didn't want to make her hate me before she died!

Her condition deteriorated so quickly from that point forward, I think it was partially because she had given up! That Christmas was the worst ever. My son got an ear infection that caused a perforation in his eardrum just days before and my mother was having trouble holding food down. My christmas morning began at about 2 am when I heard a thud... I found my mother on her bedroom floor...she had fallen coming back from the bathroom and needed help getting back in bed. A little after 4 am my son began vomiting all over the living room (he was sleeping on the couch waiting for santa) due to the pain meds they had given him for his ear. The rest of the day was much the same...them being sick and me taking care of and cleaning up after. My birthday was a few days later, my boyfriend and I broke up because he said I didn't have enough time for him anymore, he was right.

None of my moms 7 brothers or sisters bothered to come down to help me or even to see her before she died. They called...but that is not the same!!! I was by myself. If January was hell then I can't even begin to tell you had bad February was. February 14th my mother asked me to help her die! She wanted me to give her an overdose of her pain meds...she begged me...she had fallen again and would not let me help her up...she got angry and then she cried and just asked me over and over "why won't you just let me die", "please help me", "I don't want to do this anymore". I couldn't do it....I couldn't help her that way! I called the hospice nurse to help me get her back in bed. The next morning she had a seizure, she never spoke again and barely even opened her eyes. The doc explained that the cancer was in her brain and that was the reason for her rapid decline.

I sat at her bedside everyday for the next 10 days as she slipped away. I loved her too much to leave her but was too much of a coward to help her! She died just after 3 am on February 24th!

[Aquarius7]

Hi Tiffany,

First of all, welcome to this great place. I am sorry we all have to be here, but this place has helped me keep my sanity to a degree and probably helped save my life. You are in the right place.

Second of all, here is a hug ((((((( ))))))).

I am so sorry about your Mom and all that happened. No doubt it was very rough for you. Maybe you and your boyfriend can get back together? I hope so if that is what you want.

I can relate to some of what you said about your Mom's deteriorating condition. My Mom was the same way for the last week of her life. She was saying she wanted to go and asking why we were keeping her here. It was horrible. Other people who have not been through this simply cannot understand. My Mom had cancer in her brain too. It had spread from her lungs. Anything she may have said or did that was "weird" you can blame directly on that. I know from experience. That "weirdness" however excludes "visions" or "visitations" from those who have passed away before her. My Mom was having them and calling out to her parents. My siblings think she was hallucinating, but I know she was seeing them and communicating with them.

You did a great thing by staying with her for 10 days as she slipped away. You should feel great that you were there for her. Many people are not when their parents get like that.

Over a year?! My goodness, I cannot imagine what I will be going through. It will be a month for me on Saturday and I don't think I can handle it. It just gets worse all the time for me. It still has not sunk in and I do not want to accept it. Maybe I too need to see a psychiatrist? Not going to take medication. Forget it! I have stayed away from alcohol however.

Well meaning friends cannot understand what I am going through, nor can my siblings. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life and my life has changed completely. I am a different person than who I used to be. I simply do not like my life anymore. Nothing interests me. Nothing is fun anymore. Nothing is funny. I don't want to do anything. All I want to do is sleep to avoid the reality of it all. At times, I want to die. I simply do not care about this life anymore. The greatest person in my entire life was taken away from me way too soon and in a most vicious and cruel manner. I feel this was a punishment for something or many things that I have done. Yet, I am not a bad person, have never done anything to hurt anyone and always try to do the right thing. Yet, this is thrust upon me at this time in my life. My hope was for my Mom to live a really long life and go peacefully one day in a natural way in the way distant future. And my Mom did not deserve it either. Sure, she was not perfect, but my goodness, for her to recieve this sudden horrible news (a death sentence) suffer like she did had to have been an act of a vengeance. Everyone keeps telling me it is not, but how could it not be. Certainly it was not an act of kindness to anyone but the doctors who always make all the money in these horrible things.

How am I supposed to be happy?

I am sorry to ramble and I know you have your own griefing. But you did the right thing being with your Mom. She knows that you were there for her.

Thanks for listening.

[Ron B.]

Hi Tiffany. If you don't mind, I can offer you a few thoughts.

You say you can't show your mother now how much you cared. Well, you can still show that caring, even though your mom isn't around to see it. If memories of your mom move you, then you are already honoring her in your mind. That's caring. Your mother's legacy and the process of finding it, is something that should help you get through your grief.

Depression? Sure, most of us experience deep sadness after losing a family member, but depression also involves some major impairment of normal functioning at work or at home. So deep sadness is probably just part of normal grieving if the rest of your life is in good order. Deep sadness coupled with serious problems at work or at home; now that is much closer to what clinical depression is about.

I am not so sure people really do recover so completely from grief. I believe that grief educates and changes us, and though it's painful, some kind of maturity is acquired in the process. It's because the loss is so great, that the grief is so great, that the recovery is so difficult.

I too find it strange that I did not grieve the passing of my father as deeply as my mother. Possibly it's because I spent more time with my mother in the last months of her life. Maybe moms just fill the role of care-giver better than dads, and we are more emotionally attached to our mothers? Or is there just more pain when our last parent dies? I don't know.

Glad you found us; the community here is quite supportive.

Ron B.

[niamh]

hi Tiffany

(((((BIG HUGS)))) to you and welcome to this site. While a year seems like a long time to others who do not walk this lonely road, I think it's only a blip on the scale when it comes to grief.

Nothing helps me to feel better 6 months in, that 6 months is quite a blur and it may aswell be 6 days except for the fact that it's all the more real now coz I wake everyday and realise yet again my Daddy is not coming home, no matter how long I wait, it's not gonna happen.

But I do find a little comfort when talking to others on this site .....I guess it makes me realise that I am not the only person in this world feeling as lost, lonely and sad as I do ....what I feel is normal.

One of the hardest things I find after 6 months is what others expect and assume and I'm sure a year on down the road that may be even more difficult. Again people who have not gone through this assume that life goes on, they assume I am "better" .....simply because I function day to day does not take away from the fact that inside I am smashed to pieces and I just don't want the life I now have. I go to work everyday, I don't cry in work (most of the time),I attend meetings in work etc etc so it's quite deceiving that on the outside I look fine but nobody sees the inside of me, nobody knows that every second of everyday I wish this was not my life, that I miss my Dad as much as ever, that I feel this is as "good" as it gets me being able to function. I know before this happened I would have been one of those people who thought "a year ??, surely you're ok by now, a year is a long time" .....well OMG have I learned a lesson about grief, one year is nothing at all, it's so so early in grief.

It's so hard to live with the guilt, my situation is different so I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is to watch a loved one die slowly in such pain without being able to do anything. Looking from the outside to me you could not have done more for your Mom, you were there for her, you cared for her but I know me saying that won't take away your guilt. Maybe write her a letter to your Mom, it's not an overnight fix but maybe you will feel something just by getting it out, I know I've written letters at times when the feelings have been so so intense that I felt like I would burst, they've been angry to say the least, again I don't know if it's helped but I know it's got to be better than keeping it bottled up inside.

I wish I had the answers for you, I wish I knew what the magic words are to make you feel better but I don't think there are any.

Marty recently posted a link to an interview with a man who lost his son and how desparate he felt ...it's worth a listen here. It just lets you know how normal your feelings are.

I do hope you will find some tiny comfort on this site, not sure if you've read some of the other posts, but I hope you will find you can relate to others, that others can relate to you, so you know you're not as alone as you think. This site has been and continues to be a lifeline to me because people understand so much and listen without judgement. So, I hope you keep sharing with us.

sending lots of love, hugs and comfort you way hun,

niamh

[Kavish]

Dear Tiffany,

We all do our best for our loved ones. I know they would say that too. I know that I will have to keep on doing what I can to be as close to our loved ones as we were when they we could see them. They are here still.

Have courage,

Sincerely,

Kavish

[Tiffanyinaz]

How am I supposed to be happy?

That is exactly how I feel!

I am so sorry for your loss! It is good that you have stopped drinking, it only makes things worse. I recently quit also. Thanks for your comments.

Hugs back to you

Tiffany