Tiffanyinaz Posted June 28, 2010 Report Share Posted June 28, 2010 It has been over a year now since my mom passed, but I still find myself struggling to come to terms with it daily. We didn't really have a good relationship and I feel like I failed her in so many ways. Now she is gone and there is no way to fix any of it, it's too late. I can never show her how much I cared. I can never tell her how sorry I am for causing her so much pain and heartache. An online friend from another site recommended this site to me. Not sure what good it will do. I just recently told my regular doctor that I think I might be depressed and she started me on anti-depressants and referred me to a psychiatrist. Not to excited about talking to a shrink but I have become so unhappy over the last year that I think I need to try something. I guess what I want to know is it normal to be so consumed by grief that it just seams to tear you apart piece by piece. I don't understand how people get past this, how do they move on. I didn't feel this way after my fathers passing, why is this so much worse? Here is something I wrote in my journal on the other site...just tells a little bit about my mom's passing. My mother was in the hospital with kidney stones when she found out that her breast cancer had come back. While scanning her kidney they noticed a couple of spots on her spine, then as they did more scans, her liver, her right breast and in the bones of her right arm. It was already stage 4, it was everywhere. She had been saying that she was tired a lot. I told her to go to the doctor. She didn't like doctors and said she was fine. I knew it was something more...I don't know how I knew but it just didn't feel right. I should have done more to convince her to go! When they told her that they couldn't cure it this time but that they could PROBABLY extend her life a few years she almost instantly said no. I knew that it was because she had a rough time with treatment the first go round (I was little and don't remember but family talks!). Now it was November 18 2008 just 9 days before her 65th Birthday which also happen to land on Thanksgiving Day that year. I supported her decision and took a lot of crap from both family and her doctors! It seemed like everyone thought I could just talk her into going along with treatment. Maybe I could have...I know I didn't do enough...I just felt like it was her body, her decision. I wanted to support her, we have been through so many horrible things many of them that I was the cause of that I didn't want to make her hate me before she died! Her condition deteriorated so quickly from that point forward, I think it was partially because she had given up! That Christmas was the worst ever. My son got an ear infection that caused a perforation in his eardrum just days before and my mother was having trouble holding food down. My christmas morning began at about 2 am when I heard a thud... I found my mother on her bedroom floor...she had fallen coming back from the bathroom and needed help getting back in bed. A little after 4 am my son began vomiting all over the living room (he was sleeping on the couch waiting for santa) due to the pain meds they had given him for his ear. The rest of the day was much the same...them being sick and me taking care of and cleaning up after. My birthday was a few days later, my boyfriend and I broke up because he said I didn't have enough time for him anymore, he was right. None of my moms 7 brothers or sisters bothered to come down to help me or even to see her before she died. They called...but that is not the same!!! I was by myself. If January was hell then I can't even begin to tell you had bad February was. February 14th my mother asked me to help her die! She wanted me to give her an overdose of her pain meds...she begged me...she had fallen again and would not let me help her up...she got angry and then she cried and just asked me over and over "why won't you just let me die", "please help me", "I don't want to do this anymore". I couldn't do it....I couldn't help her that way! I called the hospice nurse to help me get her back in bed. The next morning she had a seizure, she never spoke again and barely even opened her eyes. The doc explained that the cancer was in her brain and that was the reason for her rapid decline. I sat at her bedside everyday for the next 10 days as she slipped away. I loved her too much to leave her but was too much of a coward to help her! She died just after 3 am on February 24th! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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