Dad Finally Passed On And I Am Just Not Doing Well At All

[Lostdaughter]

My Dad fought the long and awful battle of Alzheimer's for many years. The last few years of his life he lived in a lockdown ward. He never would have wanted to end up like that, but he did. He died August 28th two days after his 95th birthday. Sure, some will say he was old and lucky to live that long, but I must tell you his life was not good in those final years. I did see him in June and said my good-bye (I live out of state) and will never forget the smile on his face. Sure, he didn't know who I was, but he smiled. I wished I would have gazed more intently at that smile. Sad thing is, unlike many of you, I was never really close to him. The time he was nicest to me was in 2004 when I took care of him for 10 days when he was psychotic and did not even know who I was. That hurts.

The funeral was last week. Thoughts were shared. I wondered...did these people know the same man I did? I felt cheated and like I missed out on so much and it's too late. My Mom is doing much better with his passing than I am. I just have this feeling that I don't want to be in this life anymore. Granted, I deal with clinical depression and did before he went into Hospice, but it's gone to a new low level since last week.

Today I had to go to the ER as my blood pressure was so high. I live in fear of having a stroke as I live alone and have no significant other in my life. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to and like this was the final straw. I've been not taking care of myself at all and haven't eaten anything today and it's 8:30 p.m. I'm hungry but I just don't want to eat. I don't have a job and don't think I'm even capable of looking for work at this point. The depression has just become overwhelming. How much of this is grief? How much of this is just the fact I can't bear to think of losing my Mom next? Then I'll be truly all alone in this world. I have no children and just feel like I've seen enough of this world. Yet I would never end things with Mom still alive.

Anyway, a friend did visit today which helped and she took me to the hospital. They didn't do much and now I'll have that big bill to think about.

Thanks for letting me get this out.

[Guest Robert27]

I just want to say I'm Sorry for your loss, I know how sad and painful Alzheimer's can be on the family, I lost my grandmother back on March 16th, and it is a very sad thing to see a family member continue to get worse and worse, that disease takes so much away,

I hope you get better, and just wanted to let you know I care.

[niamh]

hi LostDaughter,

I am so so sorry for the loss of your Dad, I wish there were some real words of comfort, sometimes I feel so "cold" writing the words sorry but I think it's all one can say because the words to truly comfort someone simply do not exist.

Welcome also to this site, for me it has been and continues to be a lifeline as we all walk this lonely road. Simply knowing someone else out there can relate to how you are feeling when you feel so so alone makes a tiny little difference. It doesn't take away any of it but it is just nice when someone knows what you mean when you write about how you feel.

I am sorry you were not close with your Dad, I can't relate and I have no doubt it brings along other emotions and feelings I don't have. Yet some of your concerns I can relate to.

I too have had struggles with eating, it has got better over time but I still have days where I don't feel like eating, tummy is in a complete knot and then other days (many days) I eat lots of junk food as a "comfort".

Feeling like you have nothing to look forward is also something I completely relate to. I am almost 9 months in and it hasnt changed but that's me, maybe you will be different. The one piece of "advice" I will give you is to simple be kind to yourself, its all about YOU right now.

I too worry a lot about my Mom being taken from me, I am an only child, we have a very small extended family and I am not married, no kids so right now my Mom is my entire life, she is all that I live for, all that keeps me going everyday and I know it's the same for her.

"I've seen enough of this world. Yet I would never end things with Mom still alive." ...........it's like to took those words out of my head and I am sorry you feel like that because I know how awful it is, the loneliness, the despair, just your entire view of the world being shattered to a billion pieces. Sometimes the fear of losing my Mom is simply paralyzing, it's come over me a few times at night, most of the time it is truly beyond any sort of comprehension at all.

I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away, I don't get why we are put through such horrific pain and loss. Just try if you can to take this day by day ..........if day by day is too much, take it hour by hour, minute by minute. We have been thrown into this new world at the deepest end with no idea how to deal with the overwhelming pain, confusion, fear, emptiness, sadness, anger just to name a few, that come with losing a loved one. For me I cannot think ahead, sometimes I can't help it but I get so scared when I do so I try hard to simply take it one minute at a time, it is very hard to do but somehow I managed it .........probably because thinking ahead, thinking of the future is simply something that is too much for my mind to handle.

Just know that there are many kind people here who will simply read and share their stories with you, all without judgement which makes such a big difference and all without any expectations from you. I really don't know how I could have survived this without this site, as good as friends as, most cannot even begin to comprehend and at times in their attempt to help, they can hurt so so much.

Keep sharing if you want to, keep reading posts and hopefully you will just find a tiny tiny bit of comfort just to know someone else in the world knows what you are talking about. We can't fully understand each others grief, pain and loss but we can relate and it's better than nothing.

Sending you lots and lots of hugs and love,

from another lost daughter, xx

[Lostdaughter]

Thanks Robert,

Yes, Alzheimer's is truly an awful thing that just slowly destroys the person and the family. I spoke with my Mom this a.m. and she is doing so well. She lives at the same assisted living facility and went to a women's breakfast. She is grateful it's over and relieved.

I am just confused and not functional. Of course, I don't share this with her. I keep up appearances and say I am fine. But I haven't been fine for a very long time.

While I am tired of this life and don't feel like being in it anymore, I am grateful I did not end up in the hospital with a stroke or something yesterday. Yet all I would really like to do is to sleep.

Our society expects us to be "over it" fairly quickly and I think maybe even more so in a situation like my Dad's where he was sick for so long. Still, I am now left to wonder regarding my experience with my Dad and the rest of the family's. And I have to find a way to answer the questions in my head and heart that will never be answered.

[Lostdaughter]

Thanks, niamh.

I am so sorry you are still hurting so much after nine months. I think "they" say it takes around a year to recover, although I don't know if that's true. I know some never recover.

This may sound crazy, but I spend time reading stories on the Internet about people in far worse off spots. I think I do this in an effort to diminish my pain but I don't know that it works all that well.

I am so happy my Mom is doing so well and I hope this continues to be the case. She has four children who put her as a very high priority and I think that helps. She also says God is giving her strength. Well, my furbabies put me as a priority but it's not quite the same.

I thought I would be able to function this week but it hasn't happened. I thought I'd be relieved almost that his long battle is over, but now I'm just left with this sadness that maybe I didn't do this right or that right and somehow it was my fault that I wasn't close to him. I thought before he wasn't close to anyone, but I guess I was wrong. Or maybe people just say things like that at funerals, but when my nephew read the grandkids' experiences he could barely keep it together. So why didn't my Dad like me more or reach out to me at all? He called me once in my life and maybe showed me he loved me twice.

Well, this is just where I am at today. I know even friends can't understand this, nor maybe anyone reading this, but I feel so alone and really cannot talk about it with anyone. I have a new friend here who just moved here who wants to do this, that or the other, but my house has gotten so bad that I can't even have her over. She doesn't know of the depression I have always dealt with nor does she get what Hospice will or can do to a person. While I am glad it made Dad's passing easier, it was torture for me. It was so hard to "wait" and have that six months or less label put on the situation. And I just agonized over the passing of time wondering when, hoping it would be an easy passing, out of touch, unimportant in the process. I will take your advice and make me a priority now. My Mom is ok so at least I don't have to worry about that.

Thanks for writing.