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I had to put my cocker spaniel, Gwennie who was 15 1/2 years old, down on July 2, 2005. She had arthritis so bad she could barely walk and had kidney failure.

I never knew how much I loved her her until that day when I held her and watched as her dr gave her that shot. I knon in my mind that I did the right thing in having her put down but it still hurts so much. I am happy that I was there for her send off on her final journey but I still want her here with me. I wish I could have cured her of her medical problems.

I wonder how long this hurt will keep its hold on me, it is so unbearable. I keep looking for her when I get, or when I come home from being out, or just when I want to hug someone.

when will I be able to think about her with a smile and the warm fuzzies i use to get and not the pain and tears i have now?

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Kelley, I'm very sorry for your loss of Gwennie. I lost my cocker spaniel mix Feb 2004, Oscar was 14 1/2 years old. He also died of kidney failure. I know the pain and the tears that you're going thru. I was with both of my dogs, during the transition from this life to the Rainbow Bridge. I know it's difficult now to read poetry, I couldn't for a long time. But the Rainbow Bridge poem does make sense. I know both my dogs are there playing. I know you miss Gwennie, and you need to take your time and grieve for her. She was a part of your life for 15.5 years, I understand 100%. Do you have pictures of her? Keep them out, so you can look at her everyday. I still talk to Oscar, and Itchy's picture. I know this sounds corny, but temporarily have you thought about getting a stuffed animal to hug, when you're upset? I did, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. smile.gif Don't forget that kidney failure occurs in people. I see people suffering with the disease at the hospital. There is only so much that Human medicine can do for kidney failure patients. The most important truth to hang on to is that Gwennie knew you loved her and she loved you! By you being with her until she crossed the bridge, shows me and her that you were totally devoted to her. I also know that you did everything medically possible for her, and I'm sure you cleaned the carpet up after her. She loves you still...... What I did after I lost Itchy this Feb 2005(minature dachshund, 14.5 years old), was buy a dwarf orange tree, and plant it . It's now grown a foot! If you live in the Midwest, consider buying a houseplant, or a shrub. Anything you want. It doesn't replace him, but having living things around me, helps. Give yourself time to grieve, and eventually you may consider adopting another dog. I want to now, but my step-mother isn't so crazy about the idea. You might want to take the course offered thru self healing expressions. I'm taking it now. I've also read Coping with the loss of a Pet (Christina Lemieux), and Coping with sorrow on the loss of your Pet(Moira Anderson Allen). But again, please give yourself time to heal, you will be able to think of Gwennie with a smile, and happy memories. I hope this helps. my thoughts are with you!

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