Not Feeling Strong Enough

[Annie]

Hello there..I am brand new to this site and not sure if I am doing this right...My father died suddenly of a heart attack Last November,,(2002)...My 96 yr old grandma was in the hospital at the time recouperating from a surgery she was not suppose to make it thru...My mom's birthday was 2 days after his death...and she was scheduled for laser eye surgery the day after her birthday... I have two sisters and for the first few months we all seemed to be working together to go thru what we all needed to go thru as far as paperwork and taking care of both my mom and grandma,,,,The middle sister , who , we have had drug problems with in the past went whacky on us and tried to physically hurt both my mom and grandma ...She was staying with my grandma but we had her physically removed from the residence and she is now out of the area...I am selling my home and moving into the house with my mom and grandma..We just recently moved mom in there as she was over an hour away from my sister and I and not doing well healthwise herself...From November till now I have tried to deal with my emotions pretty much alone..My sister has a family of her own so she has pretty much been busy there...I have close friends who have tried to help, but it just doesnt seem to help much...I still would like to just hide away from the world sometimes..I am so tired ..i do not seem to have alot of hope anymore for my future..I am not suicidal but just sad still alot of the time...I try to keep up a good front in public and while at work...I feel overwhelmed with taking care of both grandma and mom and trying to move my things down there and work both jobs I have and clean my moms old house so we can sell it.....My sister is helping alot so its not like I am doing it all alone but still i feel overwhelmed...I feel like I am suppose to be so strong but feel anything but strong still.....It slike someone pulled the rug out from under my life and I have been walking on sand ever since...With November coming up again i find myself feeling yukky all over again....I havent been to see anyone professionally or taken any medication ..I do not know how much of what i am feeling is normal for grief or not...This is the first death I have really dealt with..My grandfather died when I was young and I dont remember too much about the whole thing...My grandmother's doctor has told us she has calcium built up on a major heart valve and will not probably make it thru christmas...Her death will not be such a shock as we have watched her slowly slip away healthwise , but still the thought of her now dieing too bothers me...Sorry if I just kinda dumped here,,There just seems like there is soo much to explain ...I am hoping there will be someone who can help me thru this as I cant do this alone anymore....Well thank you for your time ...Anita ( I am 41 and my father was 71..)

[Guest Shannon]

Hi Anita. I know what you mean about being overwhelmed. I too am far too overwhelmed with all the events of this past year (which oddly enough began about November of last year) and yet still trying to live everyday life without being an emotional basketcase or zombie. I don't know that I have any real advise on how to do it because I'm still trying to figure that out myself. There are many days that I feel like I just can't do it anymore. But somehow, I get up, go to work (which sometimes is a good distraction from how I am feeling), go home and take care of the kids, etc. and go to bed, get up and do it all over again the next day. So, I guess the best advise really is "just take one day at a time". Somedays are better than others. The only other thing I can say is to make sure you take some time for yourself, even if only for a few hours. I recently have realized that. My finance and I went out to dinner two nights ago for the first time in a really long time (it's hard to find time alone with three kids!) But I realized that it was the first time in probably six months that I smiled and really meant it. I did feel better, even if it was only for two hours. But it made me realize that the time will come again when I will smile more and really mean it. Along that same line, someone was kind enough to post a response to me with some good advise that I will pass on to you. "You also have to take the time to be sad and really feel your emotions". You must let it out. Otherwise, you won't be able to smile and mean it.

Again, I am only now trying to figure all this out for myself, so I'm no expert. But I hope you find that you are not alone and it will get better eventually (At least I'm hopeful that it will now).

[Annie]

Thank You Shannon.....I am sorry to hear of your loss too...It does help to know I am not the only one feeling overwhelmed and that someone kinda understands...I never knew I could cry this much..geesh...Sometimes I just want to talk and talk and talk and get all the feelings out, and sometimes I just have no words to say at all...this whole thing is a new expierence to me.....Thank You again for your reply.........It helps ......