Feeling Down Today

[BLEU-BERRY]

Hey friends,

I am struggling today, so I thought I would come here and let it out.

In a few days it will be three months since my dad died. It’s really odd because it feels like it’s been forever since he was alive, and yet at the same time I still have to convince myself it even happened at all. Sometimes I try to believe he’s just temporarily somewhere else, just waiting for me. But what if that’s not true? What if I never see him again after this life. Its tormenting.

If you asked me today to describe a random person in my life, I could imagine them exactly as they are in my head with no trouble. But when my dad died, I had the hardest time just imagining his face. I couldn’t hear his voice, I couldn’t remember what we would talk about, his mannerisms, I couldn’t remember anything, no matter how hard I tried. My mom told me that she went through the same thing when her dad died, and its just us in a panic trying to hold onto whatever we have left of them. Now that time has gone by, if I really relax myself, I can imagine him just the way he was. I think its even harder now that I can because it makes the realization that he’s gone even more hard to bear. In my dreams, he is just as he was. It makes me miss him so much more.

I spoke to my doctor about how angry I have been over my dad’s death and she gave me a great piece of advice. She said that it’s important for me to stop asking why this happened. She said that I will never find the answer and I will only become more bitter by trying, and she was right. I have been trying to keep that in mind lately, and it has helped. I know now that nothing I could have done would have saved him. Now, I’m just left to miss him.

Things have become so much harder since he died. His possessions and estate have brought the worst out in everyone. His wife decided not to give my brother a car that he wanted, and my mother (they were divorced) took it out on me and we are no longer speaking. Its hard because I need all the support I can get from people and yet I’m starting to realize how untrustworthy a majority of people are, even if they are your family. It’s hard to lose someone you love to death as well as lose your faith in all the people you trusted ALL at the same time.

Sometimes I just repeat to myself, “it will get better,” and even though I can’t see it now, I just have to continue praying that it will.

Thanks guys.

[niamh]

Bleu

I'm sorry it's all so so hard ((hugs)),I just nod agreeing with so much of how you feel.

Sometimes I can't picture my Dad,or remember anything it's like my mind goes blank but I know it's all in there just hidden away sometimes to protect me I guess.

Im all over the place to as to where he is now,is he really somewhere,I get scared when the real doubt comes in but then another part of me thinks there is no way this life is it,there just has to be more that we just don't yet understand.sometimes when things feel really bad I keep telling myself that this life is only temporary,I'm not stuck here forever,it's only a stopover. I wish so much we would all get the signs we need that would remove the doubt.

Someone told me a while back that my Dad will come to me when HE knows I am ready,not when I want or I think I'm ready.maybe because we still feel the sheer shock and disbelief and it only sinks in little by little means it's too much yet for our minds to process any types of visit from them. Maybe this is all wishful thinking!!! Just know your definitely not alone with the questions.

Ive been very angry too Bleu,it's a rage I never in my life knew before,needing to blame someone,something,hospital,doctors,nurses,God,the universe and I think it's ok. I've had people tell me I shouldn't be angry,it does no good but to me it's the same as saying don't cry,don't be sad coz at the end of the day those feelings can't bring him back either. As far as I'm concerns as long as a feeling doesn't cause one to do anything dangerous it's ok to feel it. The anger still comes once in a while,so I still ask WHY,why me,why did my life have to be suddenly snatched away. At first all of those emotions scared me,feeling so many different things sometimes at the same time but now I know it's normal,and when they hit now I just ride it out.

I know i will never get the answer in this life to so many questions but sometimes I just want to ask,I want to talk about it.before his ever happened I would question life,afterlife etc,I don't believe there is anything wrong with doing that,sometimes it makes for interesting discussions,now the questions are just so much more personal bcause they have a direct immediate impact on me now.

I feel like a broken record with friends at times,then I come here and we all still wonder the same things we did months ago,just our minds trying to make sense of the absolute craziness of it all.

I'm sorry for the trauma with your Dads possessions. I know I've found that some of those I expected to be there fully haven't been (incl family)and those I had no real expectations of have been a rock. I think family are probably the hardest to be there for us in a way because they too are grieving and may be dealing with it so differently from us.

I too have had my trust in absolutely everyone shattered,i think it keeps me safe for now.

Sending you a comfy daddy girl hug and love and peace

Niamh

xox

[BLEU-BERRY]

Thank you for your words of encouragement, they are very helpful. You are proof to me that things will never really get “better,” they just change and over time, you learn to cope.

I think what a lot of people may not understand about death is that it is much more than just grieving the loss of someone you love. It is grieving the loss of your old life. It affects every fiber of your being. You are forever changed overnight, and its nothing anyone can understand until they’ve gone through it.

I am having a hard time adjusting to this new life because it is so completely different than the life I enjoyed for 23 years. I graduated college, started my career, moved out on my own, and lost my dad all within 3 months. I literally lost every bit of my childhood in 3 months. Yes I know that everyone has to grow up sometime, but it was (is) too much to adjust to all at once. I literally feel like I went to sleep one night and woke up in the middle of someone else’s life. I miss my old life, I miss the way things used to be, I miss my dad.

If losing one’s parent is a “natural” part of life, why does it feel so wrong to me?

Things I have always taken for granted are hitting my hard. The thought of getting married and having children now without my father here hurts me and make me not want to do it at all. Things are just different now, and I don’t know how to accept losing so much. Ironically, my dad would be the person I would call and talk to about this.

I don’t understand why he got cancer, but I have to stop asking and try to find my way in this new, unfamiliar world.

[2sweetgirls]

I am so sorry for all of your pain. It is overwehlming to have many things happen at the same time.

I lost both of my parents within 10 months of each other. I still am in disbelief about it. When mom died, I was in terrible pain but, I focused all the energy I could into dad. He was in surgury and diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer the day that mom died. I called him everyday and we would talk. My dad was a great man but, we didn't have the relationship that many others describe "daddy/daughter". I don't want to make it sound that we weren't close, I just wasn't calling him for advice. I had that closeness with my mom. But, when she died, dad and I became closer. Kind of like holding on to each other for support and love. We talked about many things that maybe we wouldn't have done otherwise. I cherish those times with him. He was always excited to hear my voice as I was to hear his. The death of my mother hit us all REALLY hard. Now that dad is gone too, I am left to "feel" all the things I stuffed down into my gut for a year. It's indescribible to someone who has not experienced it.

I agree totally - how does something so natural as losing one's parent(s) seem so wrong?

I understand all the questions, I have them too. I wish I had answers for you but, I don't even have them for myself. I'm sorry to say that you are right, things don't get better, they are just forever "different".

It's ok to ask questions, Bleu. You have every right to have them. Please keep writing when you feel you can and we will do what we can to help and support.

Peace to you today, tomorrow and always.

2sweetgirls