BLEU-BERRY Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hey friends, I am struggling today, so I thought I would come here and let it out. In a few days it will be three months since my dad died. It’s really odd because it feels like it’s been forever since he was alive, and yet at the same time I still have to convince myself it even happened at all. Sometimes I try to believe he’s just temporarily somewhere else, just waiting for me. But what if that’s not true? What if I never see him again after this life. Its tormenting. If you asked me today to describe a random person in my life, I could imagine them exactly as they are in my head with no trouble. But when my dad died, I had the hardest time just imagining his face. I couldn’t hear his voice, I couldn’t remember what we would talk about, his mannerisms, I couldn’t remember anything, no matter how hard I tried. My mom told me that she went through the same thing when her dad died, and its just us in a panic trying to hold onto whatever we have left of them. Now that time has gone by, if I really relax myself, I can imagine him just the way he was. I think its even harder now that I can because it makes the realization that he’s gone even more hard to bear. In my dreams, he is just as he was. It makes me miss him so much more. I spoke to my doctor about how angry I have been over my dad’s death and she gave me a great piece of advice. She said that it’s important for me to stop asking why this happened. She said that I will never find the answer and I will only become more bitter by trying, and she was right. I have been trying to keep that in mind lately, and it has helped. I know now that nothing I could have done would have saved him. Now, I’m just left to miss him. Things have become so much harder since he died. His possessions and estate have brought the worst out in everyone. His wife decided not to give my brother a car that he wanted, and my mother (they were divorced) took it out on me and we are no longer speaking. Its hard because I need all the support I can get from people and yet I’m starting to realize how untrustworthy a majority of people are, even if they are your family. It’s hard to lose someone you love to death as well as lose your faith in all the people you trusted ALL at the same time. Sometimes I just repeat to myself, “it will get better,” and even though I can’t see it now, I just have to continue praying that it will. Thanks guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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