Is A Year Too Long?

[jessiekay317]

I lost my grandmother on August 21, 2009. It was the first person I had ever lost. She was my entire world. I had my crying and I had my pain. But it seemed too easy to move on. Like there was supposed to be more to it than what I had felt. Then about a month ago, I started feeling severely out of it. My lump of feelings turned out to be depersonalization. It was the scariest thing I had ever felt. It felt as though I wasn’t real. I stopped going to school and fell in a depression quickly. I stayed on the couch, and felt incredibly sick. My mom found this website. She said she wanted me to have an outlet and told me that it was a place I could talk about things like this. I asked her what she meant and she said she thinks this is my body’s way of grieving.

Is this too long after her passing to count as grieving?

[sunstreet]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I want to acknowledge your courage for posting here. Your Mother sounds like a very wise woman and I am proud of you for taking her advice. Your Mother is absolutely right! This is a safe place for your to talk about whatever you want to talk about. We all here have had loss in our lives. I know it most likely feels that you are going crazy but let me assure you that you are not. What you are experiencing is so very normal after the loss of your Grandmother.

Definitely it is not to long after her passing to count as grieving. There is no set time line or path that we each take as we are thrown onto this path that we didn't ask for or want. I want to welcome you here. I want to encourage you to keep coming here, keep talking, it helps us to move through and learn to see life anew.

((((HUGS))))

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[jessiekay317]

thank you so much. i feel as though i've been welcome with open arms. there are times where i feel so very lost and like im not alive. my grandmother meant the world to me. its hard living without and i have had nowhere to turn. im very lucky to have found a place to get it all out.

ive tried writing and it only makes me think too much. ive tried distracting myself and i only lose myself. ive tried talking about the old times and i slip into a depression. i have no idea how to come out of this. this feeling robotic and unreal scares me. im ready to get on with my life but im not sure how to take the first step.

-Jessie

[sunstreet]

Dear Jessie,

Thank you for coming back and you have found a wonderfully safe place now to let it all out. I and others are here and understand. I too felt exactly as you do now when I lost my Grandmother and she was everything to me as well. I understand so well your pain because I have been there too. I did heal Jessie and I moved through all the pain that renders us to feel like we are living in an altered reality. For sure, you don't know how you are going to move through your grief because you have never done it before. It is an unknown and that can be so frightening Jessie. It is OK to feel afraid. All of your feelings are so very OK and allowed. You are in shock at present Jessie and that is why you feel robotic and unreal. It is normal, you are normal. I see writing does not prove helpful for you. I am wondering if you like to draw or paint at all? Sometimes when we can't use words, we can express our pain, our thoughts, through art. The other thing you may want to try, is to get a tape recorder and talk out loud into it. Don't worry about whether you are making sense. Loss is one of the most diificult things and the first loss we experience is so very hard. I encourage you to try to get out each day and go for a little walk, it helps. Keep coming here, keep talking, for it is when we keep it to ourself, be in silence, that our pain becomes all the more painful. Think of your pain as waves on the ocean, all waves eventually reach shore and dissipate into the earth. In time Jessie you will learn to surf the waves, and it will not feel that you are consumed inside the wave, barely able to get air.

Know I hold you in gentle thought and prayer.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[jessiekay317]

your words truly touch me and you have no idea how much it means to me to have someone understand me. it takes some of the fear away. makes it easier to breathe. i think i will take your advise with the walks and the talking it out.

thank you dearly. you have been a lifesaver.

-Jessie

[sunstreet]

Dear Jessie,

It is still me, I just changed my profile picture and my signature. Jessie, I so understand you and you are so not alone with it all. I am glad that your finding your fear lessening some and makes it easier to breathe. Do you have a pet Jesse? If not, you might want to ask your Mom if you could volunteer at an animal shelter. Animals, just accept us without any reservation or judgement. They have good ears too....

Just know that I hold you in gentle thought and prayer. Do you believe in God, or do you have a Higher Power at all. I find it very helpful when I am on my walks by the water to talk with God, who is my Higher Power. Just remember there are no right or wrong ways of greiving, it is just so important not to bottle everything up inside Jesse....talk it out

((((HUGS))))

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Jessie,

In case you can only come here and read for now I wanted you to know I understand and it is OK. Sometimes we just don't have words....and that is OK.

I just want to let you know I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[niamh]

hi Jessie,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Grandma. I agree with Carol Ann, everything you are feeling is normal, it's not the normal you are used to, not the normal you know but after something so horrible it is normal.

There is no time anyone can put on grief for anyone, as you say she was your entire world, how can anyone put a time limit on any feelings for someone who has literally lost their world.

It is absolutely scary when it hits Jessie, I had no clue what was happening to me when I lost my Dad. I had feelings emotions I never could have possibly imagined. So I did lots of googling pretty much with so many of the feelings I had and added the word grief to it ........well slowly but surely I realised I was normal and this was grief, this was what it's all about. I had also always thought grief was about being sad, maybe angry and missing someone but I really didn't know how much it truly can affect every single part of you, physically and in your mind too. Hopefully by coming here reading and talking with us you will just be able to understand it a little more and know that it's all "ok", that you are perfectly normal as I said.

sometimes I write lots on here, sometimes I can't write at all and that's ok too. Everyone is always here and we all know that at times it's too much to write ........to go to that place where the pain is so bad. So if you feel like writing loads we;ll be here, if you're not up to it for however long, we'll still be here. There is always someone to talk to here.

I still can't talk of the old time with my Dad either Jessie, it's WAY TOO MUCH ......it's like a slap in the face for something I can't have anymore, something that is simply 100% impossible. Sometimes I can write about certain things, for me writing it is sometimes easier than talking but other times I just have a blank mind, like the old life was never real, never happened and I can't remember anything, can't picture my Dad or think of anything we did together. I think it's just our minds way of protecting us, giving us a little break from falling apart. Again all absolutely normal.

I spent a couple of months reading here before ever writing. I always read here, don't always write. Sometimes I just have no words, or there's just SO much going on in my head I wouldn't even know where to start so the easiest thing for me is go watch tv, crash on the couch and zone out.

I hope you will find some little bit of comfort here with us, and any questions at all you have about anything, anything you think or feel, we can share our feelings with you.

sending a (((BIG HUG)))) and lots of love to you

Niamh