Today Is The 1-Year Mark Of My Precious Dad.

[Butterfly9]

Hi Everyone,

I can't believe it has been one year since my Dad passed away. It seems like three months. Where has the year gone? Some of it is a blur. I have been reliving the past few, horrible days from last year. What a nightmare. I wish I could erase it from my memory forever. My Mom and I tried so hard to help my Dad get well. We held on to him so tightly but he slipped between our fingers. It was not meant to be. It just kills me inside that I couldn't help him. He should still be here with us, healed and healthy. There are times where I am still in shock and miss my Dad terribly. I will always miss my Dad. I can't believe that it is true. I still look around for my Dad hoping he will walk in the door someday.

Today was a nice, sunny day with the plum trees blooming. However, my heart aches because my Dad is no longer here in the physical form. He took a piece of my heart with him. My Dad is a great Dad!!! Oh how I miss him so much!!! He means the world to me and so much more!!!

My Mom and I went to church, lit candles and said a prayer. I wanted to do a live butterfly release in honor of my Dad but the weather has been too cold. I have decided to do it on his birthday in August instead.

I haven't talked to my Dad in a year now. I miss his advice and guidance. I miss his voice, his laugh, his smile, our conversations and day trips. I miss everything about my Dad. Oh, how I wish I could have my Dad back in the physical form and healed. I do talk to my Dad (one-way conversation) every day and still cry daily. There are little things that trigger it and then the tears start to flow.

I have a friend, who I would say is really not a good friend. No one really understands until you actually lose a parent. He just seems to not respond to two e-mails now. Sometimes I think they don't want to be around people who are not so cheery and can be depressed. It does hurt but one day he too will experience the pain I am experiencing. There are some people who are really supportive. I have one co-worker who also lost her Mother last August. We talk about it and give support to one another. It is really nice.

On Tuesday of this week, the lights were flickering in the bathroom, office (going brighter and then dimming again) and the kitchen. I believe it was my Dad letting me know he is close by. There have been some orbs in Christmas pictures and my Mom's birthday. I know it has been hard for my Mom also. They are really close and did everything together.

I haven't had dreams with my Dad for awhile now. I sure could really use a dream visit.

Here is a nice saying from a picture frame I came across from a catalog.

"Broken Chain"

"We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one, the chain will be linked again."

When someone is no longer here in the physical form you see all the wonderful things did. It is a big void that can never be filled. I picture my Dad in a beautiful, peaceful place with other loved ones who have gone on before him. He is healed, happy and watching over us until we can be together again someday.

Sending you hugs, love comfort and strength.

Butterfly9

[niamh]

Butterfly9, I'm sorry you've hit that awful 1 year mark,it is such a horrible hard time.

I too still find it hard to believe this is real,it's like an electric shock every so often to me.

Those oneway conversations are hard,i get frustrated he doesn't answer back,wishing he was sitting right across from me in this physical world,there's so much going on I need his advice on,just those perfect Daddy words which are always so right.

Hun I'm sorry about your friend who Doesnt contact much now but I am glad to you have someone to talk to in person who can relate.sometimes I feel like such an "outsider" when I see so many around me who all have their parents,life goes on as normal for them,trivial worries etc and I just want to be back in that club again,i don't want to be someone who's Dad is not in this world.

I've had the lights flicker too in the bathroom on my Dads 1st anniversary, (and still every so often)....I remember that night they flicked and I was thinking of him,talking to him and venting.....I asked him to flick them a second time.....thinking how utterly nuts I sounded and they didn't flicker.....I then decided it was all coincidence and said it outloud when the light flickered again......I felt comforted for a few seconds,i laughed knowing it was Dad ....pretty much telling me off for saying and thinking any signs were coincidence. I still long for more.

My dreams are never visits,just "normal" life with him and it hurts like hell to wake up from those to this. I HOPE you get your visit dream soon Butterfly9.

I love that idea of the chains,this is just a temporary break from our beloved Dads.

Sending you an abundance of love,comfort and (((hugs)))

Niamh

xo

[Butterfly9]

Dear Niamh,

Thanks so much for your support and understanding of what I am going through. I know it was hard for you also when your 1-year mark came up last December. I agree about the one-way conversations. I sure wish I could hear my Dad's response. Yes, I too have a lot going on and need my Dad's advice. This new life really feels unreal.

Maybe my friend feels uncomfortable around people who have lost a loved one. Maybe he doesn't know what to say? I really don't know.

My other friend lost her Dad I believe at age 89. I feel jealous because she had her Dad longer. I feel jealous of other people who still have their Dads. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I know I have to look at it as a blessing that I had my precious Dad in my life even if it wasn't as long as I hoped he'd be here.

That is so awesome Niamh to have your bathroom lights flicker on your Dad's 1st anniversary and it still continues here and there. Your Dad wanted to make sure that it was indeed him who made the lights flicker again. He did not want you to think it was a coincidence. He was there listening to you as you were talking to him. I think that is so neat. I too long for more ADCs and I'm sure in time we will receive more. We just have to look for the signs.

At first I felt terrible waking up when I had a normal dream with my Dad. I would wake up and then reality sets in that my Dad is no longer here in the physical form. The horrible pain I would feel. However, now I look at it as a gift even if it might not be a visitation just a normal every day dream.. I can at least see my Dad in the physical form like when he was here and that brings me happiness. Are your normal dreams very vivid and you can remember a lot of details? Sometime it can be a simple visit to just say hi I'm still here with you. Lately I have been having some terrible dreams again of him being sick. I hate those dreams. I do believe in time you will have a dream visit from your Dad. I'm hoping for one from my Dad too.

I'm trying meditation again. Actually guided mediation and see if I can connect with my Dad. It is setup in beautiful garden and then towards the end it says someone is walking towards you, see who it is, recognize them. Hear what they have to say.. I really don't know what to expect. I did hear my name in my voice and one time I saw a vision of my Dad and he was younger. Not sure if it was me or actually connecting with my Dad. Meditation is not easy at least not for me. It is hard to really quiet the mind. You have to clear everyday things out until it isn't cluttered anymore and then I believe that is when you are in complete meditation to connect with loved ones. I am trying to practice almost every day for about 30 minutes. I also find that the breathing technique isn't so easy either. Maybe in time I will be able to meditate correctly.

I too believe it is only a temporary separation from our Dads. It is just so hard though.

Sending you hugs ((((( ))))), love comfort and strength,

Butterfly9