Alone With Kids

[michelle5]

I was wondering if there were any others who were trying to raise young kids on their own after this loss. I feel like it would be helpful to be able to discuss things with them. I was never the dicipline parent, and seem to be second guessing my approaches to this. My children are 6, 13, and 16! I could use some help/advise!

Thanks,

Michelle

[Cheryl]

HI Michelle,

I am a widow with two kids similar in age to yours. A girl 17 and a boy 13. It has been 19 months since Mark was killed in a motorcycle accident. My husband was the fun one and I was the diciplinary one. We were extremely co dependent on each other when it came to raising the kids. Trying to remember to have fun and relax has been so hard for me. I've had to remember to stop and just love my kids instead of being so task oriented. Please feel free to contact, either through this site or through my email that can be found through my profile.

Everyday is a struggle emotionaly for me when it comes to playing both roles.Plus the exhaustion of grief compounds my ability to see clearly. Sometimes I wonder if I'm damaging and scarring my kids for life. Overall they appear to be doing great but not understanding the toll there father's death is probably making on them is hard. We attend a support group for families where they can be in small groups with kids there own age and each week they do activities that teach coping skills. Sometimes they just hang out and know that they are with kids that get it. It has been a lifesaver for all three of us.

Please let me know what I might be able to share with you. I get so much great info from this site. Plus I could use another mom in my life that understands how hard it is. Take care, Cheryl

[michelle5]

Thank you so much for your reply! I feel like my husband was the fun one, and the discipline one! I think I am only good at the motherly part...being the caregiver. And I feel like I am so stressed, that Im not even good at that anymore. I have always worried about everything, and it is hard for me to believe that I am making the right decisions. It probably doesnt help that we are across the country from all of my family, and his. I couldnt bring myself to move, though! It was just easier when he was here, with me!

My older 2 children, daughter 13 and son 16, are from a previous marriage. Their "real dad" hasnt had any contact with us in about 9 years. My husband and I were together for 7 years, and he loved them like they were his for the entire time we were together. I dont feel like they miss him at all. I am sure that they do, in their own way, but never talk about it.

My youngest is only 6. He was 4 when his dad died. I think he makes me the saddest. When he does something that triggers a memory, he gets sad, and askes questions. They are usually hard to answer. Other than these times, it is 'his normal' that his dad is in heaven.

I wish,sometimes that he had died in an accident of some kind. I didnt have any time to prepare, anyways. Now, I know that this type of cancer is hereditary, and I am scared for my son. I would not be able to go through this again. I dont let him out of the house without sunblock, and a hat. He fights me sometimes, but I cant help it. The school offered to keep him inside at recess, and even though I wanted to do this...I decided that I have to let him live - play with friends and be normal.

Thank you for your listening. If you have any advice, I would appreciate it.

[Lainey]

Michelle,

My children are 42,38,and 37,regardless of age, they need their parent to tell them that it's alright to allow the emotions to flow. Girls find it easier, because boys think it's sissy to cry, they hold their emotions inside.

After Lars passed we had many family discussions about our life, how we'd cope etc.One of the girls came to Grief Share with me also.

Even though your children are much younger than mine are, maybe they would benefit from some talks. Children really have to be shown how to grieve.. we had to learn ourselves the hard way. I also think getting them into support groups with people their own age could help.

Hope this helps a bit.

Lainey

[michelle5]

Thank you. I did attempt at a counceler, but I think it was just a wrong match. He did not deal with the death as much as trying to get me to give in on things that the kids wanted that I would not give them. He concentrated on things like cell phones and staying the night at partys. We went for a few months, and then I quit going!

[hello123]

I'm so sorry for your losses, I was drawn to this because my mum is left alone and my brothers were 7 and 15 when my dad died and I 20. He was the one who picked us up from places and she always says she doesn't like us going anywhere alone because she feels solely responsible for our welfare. I am21 now and want to go out with my friends like other people do but I feel bad for my Mum and I feel sad when I know my Dad would be able to pick me up and drop me places. My younger brother is 8 now but he is really brave I think they understand quite a lot but he feels awkward when we get sad, but he does talk about our Dad and says "Dad used to take me swimming". Also about the counselling thing I had a REALLY bad experience when I first went then went to a different one and it is so much better! We meant to start family counselling but never did.. I dont know what helps? Just to let you know you're not alone!

[michelle5]

Thank you so much for your help. I just feel like I am making all of the wrong decisions...my children growing into responsible, well rounded adults is only my responsibility, now. What if I don't teach them what they need to know? What if I mess up, completely? How could I live with that?

I have a wonderful job, and they let me be there to pick up and drop off my kids at their sports events. I want to be there to support them. I want to make sure that they realize that they are not alone...They just dont have a Dad to be there for them.

[hello123]

Sorry for the late reply! I'm sure you're doing perfectly as well as you can being there for them and being supportive is something that other people wouldn't even be able to do because they would be too caught up in their own grief so the fact that you're trying is something amazing! Yes they don't have a Dad but everyone always says to me which I hate but it is true I guess..there's nothing we can do about that just try and make do as best we can and you're doing really well!!