The Loss Of My Hero

[Dani_E]

Hello All,

My name is Dani. I registered on this site because I am struggling greatly with overcoming the loss of my father. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer (caused from asbestos) in June of 2007 and passed away 8 months later on February 28th, 2008. He was put on hospice two weeks before he died and those two weeks are what haunt me now. I chose to stay by his bedside throughout those two weeks because he was my hero. I slept next to him every night, gave/managed his medications while the hospice nurses weren't there, and was simply there next to him for support because I was daddy’s little girl.

My father was the strongest, most loving man I have ever met. He worked up until one month before he died and he could hardly walk out the door his last day. He never complained of being in pain nor ever said he was afraid of death. He remained strong and smiling until his last breath. He knew he had to stay strong for us kids as we were all young. I was 20, my brothers were 17 and 19 and he had two baby girls with my stepmom who were 3yrs and 8months when he passed. My father was only 53 years old when he died and was a very healthy, athletic man.

It has been 3 years since I lost my hero, my daddy and it was at the two year mark that I really started to struggle. I have weekly dreams of my father having died, coming back to life, and dying again of cancer. I freak out in my dreams because I am consciously aware that he has already died. In these dreams I experience everything I experienced throughout those last two weeks of his life. Witnessing him not able to eat and looking like a skeleton, to his weak voice and yellow skin. His breathing and sleeping patterns were the most traumatic for me to watch and is what specifically haunts me in these dreams.

I am in pain. When I think about him, I tear up. It is difficult for me to remember him healthy and athletic because my mind is tainted by him being sick. The saying "I miss you more than words can express" has never meant more. I would give the world just to hug him again or see his sweet, soft, loving smile. I know I will see him again one day, but I need to be able to overcome the pain of his death in this life and not the next.

[niamh]

hi Dani,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. You'll find many Daddys girls on this site and hopefully it might just let you know that you are not as alone as you might think you are. I know it's brought me the tiniest comfort just to know others know what I'm talking about, because they can relate. As great as some of my friends are none of them have relationships with their Dads like I did with mine and while they are so understanding they still do not live in this nightmare. I often wondered over the years if anyone else ever did have that closeness with their Dads and unfortunately it took me losing my Dad and coming here to find those people.

I lost my Dad suddenly almost 16months ago, I'm so sorry you had to watch your Dad get sicker and sicker, I can't imagine how difficult that was. My Dad was only 65, still working full time and just absolutely adored life and lived it to the fullest. It's not fair that he was taken so soon from me and my Mom, there was so much more left to do.

Like your Dad, mine was my hero too & my best best friend. I struggle very much without him now, so much I miss talking to him about, serious things and just fun stuff, trivial things that I just don't bother mentioning to anyone because they were chats for me & Dad, nobody else would care like he did about those trivial things. Life has no real enjoyment anymore for me. Nobody could ever do what my Dad did, nobody can give me the encouragement, show the pride he did, there are so many little things my Dad did that I now realise it's only my Dad who could do it, nobody else no matter how hard they try. It's so hard to live with that huge void.

I still cannot talk about my Dad or reminisce about the happy times, I can't even think of the good times with him, I just feel like I will burst with all the pain and hurt from not having him anymore. I choke up at the mention of something I miss about him, I can write more than I can actually say. Yep like you I just don't think the words exist for the pain, for how much I miss my Dad, for how much I love him.

All I can say is that I hope you will find some comfort knowing many of us here just get it and can relate to how you feel. When this first happened I thought I was the one and only person on this earth who felt like I did, it felt "good" coming here realising others knew what I was talking about because they too were living it.

Sending a big *Daddy girl hug* to you. Just know that we are always here to share with you,

Niamh

[Kavish]

Hi Dani and Niamh,

I 'lost" my best friend Diana who was from Scotland, and came to Canada later on, too. I am now looking forward to finding her again. I am always going to be positive that she is here and everywhere. I believe they will live on forever. I read a book by Deepak Chopra " Life After Death" and believe with quite optimism that our loved ones are with us always. Try and smile and they will smile with us. If we feel down they will help us get through it also.

all the best,

Your friend,

Kavish

[Kavish]

Hi once again,

I would also like to add that I have to be impervious to distractions and focus on my time to be with my my best friend, Diana in spirit. I have to believe in my self and live my life as best as I can. It would hearten me and my relationship with my friend and ultimately with others because my friend will always come first.

Regards,

Kavish

[Dani_E]

Niamh,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Having only been 16 months since your father has passed, I know what you are going through. The stages you experience as the years go by fluctuate, but I have faith it gets easier. I too am very sorry for your loss. Your sweet post means the world to me and lifted me. Speaking to people who understand what it is like is the most helpful. Like you, I have no friends who have experienced it although they're very supportive.

I know this site will find me great comfort as we are all in this together. I made the right decision when I decided to register. Sending you a "daddys girl hug" back .

Kavish,

Thank you for your story as well. I know our loved ones are still with us. I know they help to pick us up when we are down and smile with us when we are happy. We will see their beautiful faces again one day. We must pick ourselves up and be the best we can be. What has came with our loss is also a blessing. We have developed empathy through our loss and can use that to help others.

[niamh]

hey Dani,

you're more than welcome, aw I'm so glad to hear my post has lifted you, thank you so much for that. Yep, I really don't know what I would do without this site, I think more than anything we all want to feel normal but this new normal is just so hard but there is so much to be said for reading someone else's thoughts and feelings and being able to say "YEAH that's me too".

Sometimes I feel like being a part of this club that there's like an invisible wall between me and "normal" society, like I am on the outside, especially the times when I feel I have to hide it because people feel uncomfortable, they don't know what to say, they don't want to hear that you're feeling miserable, they just want you to be as happy as they are with their holidays plans, weekend plans, "life being oh so great" and all that. The loneliness of not having my Dad is always there but just knowing I can come on here and realise, well as lonely as I am I am actually not alone with it, it really keeps me sane on the wild rollercoaster.

Not sure if you have Easter but sending you lots of comfort, peace and (((HUGS))

Niamh

[2sweetgirls]

When I read posts of people who have lost a special person years ago - further down the path than I currently am - I can't help but feel like this is never going to end. My head knows that this is something we are going to have to live with forever but, my heart wants to feel that this pain will pass. I know it won't pass, only change. But change into what? I just get so jumbled in my brain sometimes, I feel hopeless. So, I pick myself up by my bootstraps and carry on because I feel like mom and dad would want that but, it's hard and sometimes I just hit a brick wall and can't move on for a while. It's a vicious cycle. I feel like a hamster running on a wheel sometimes. I don't know if I'm making any sense or not......

I'm so sorry, Dani, that you are reliving the last moments of your dad's life. My mom died suddenly 17 months ago and I didn't get to see her until the wake and my dad (7 months ago) was in hospice for 5 days and we had to watch him deteriorate until the end. There is no winning situation. I feel incredibly guilty for not being there with mom and wish I hadn't witnessed dad's last days because I can't get it out of my head.

Please know that there are many many others that are dealing with the loss, visions and memories, etc. as you are and will always be here to listen and add 2 cents.

2sweetgirls