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Not Looking Forward To October


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I haven't posted in a while. The kids have been keeping me crazy busy. Missing Grandma everyday. There are moments I swear I can feel her arms around me. I don't cry every day now - there are probably 2 days out of seven where I don't cry - but I so miss her.

So here comes October. It is hard anyway - I don't like where we live - I just want to go home. I just want to be near my Grandma's house and my Grandma's grave - but instead I am 1400 miles away in a place I don't really like. I have no friends here - I have only my kids and my husband. My kids are - well - kids. My husband is like, "Get over it." so I try very hard to not let him know how sad I am. "I didn't cry like this when I lost my mom, you need to move on from this." So frustrating.

And now it is October. I will be single parenting it for the next 16 days (not fun with four busy kids ages 4-11) I would do anything to toss the kids in the car and spend at least a week of this up north - but we don't have the money to do that and the kids would miss school. In October I will have a birthday. I have never been fond of my birthday - for the most part - and turning 37 does not fill me with great thrills. The best part of my birthday was always the early morning phone call from my Grandma - where she would sing "Happy Birthday" to me. She always wanted to be the first person to tell me "Happy Birthday." There were even a few years where she called at 12:01am to sing it for me. This year she wont. The day after my birthday will be the 6 month anniversary of her death.

Six months without her. So much has happened in the last 6 months. I just want to hear her voice and talk to her. Sometimes my mind takes me back to being at her home - when she was alive and spry. I hear her walking around her kitchen, clicking her teeth. It is so vivid - like I am there with her. Every morning when the alarm goes off my mind fills in it being her - her morning wake up call (she loved to call and wake her family up in the morning) "Angel, it is 5:30. Time to get up." She would always whisper it into the phone to me.

Somehow I thought time would make it get easier - but it is not. Every day without her joy is just a day of pain. I hope and pray she is with God and that someday we will be re-united.

Miss you Grandma - today and every day.

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hi Babypod,

I'm sorry October is going to be so hard and that you are so far away from your Grandmas house and grave. Sounds like you have a real tough couple of weeks ahead of you single parenting added to everything you are already trying to deal with ((((BIG HUGS))) to you.

Birthdays are so hard, I've had 2 already and they just plain suck. I always take the day off work, it's too hard knowing I won't be getting a loveable email from my Dad, I find days like that so extra lonely now. Wow, having your Grandma's 6 month anniversary the day after is a heavy load. I still cringe on the 17th of every single month but those "milestones" of 6 months, 18 months etc definitely hit harder. I always treat myself on my birthday, I just go for a nice lunch on my own, take some personal time away from the world and everyone just for me. I wish so much for you that you could go visit your Grandma, do you think there is any way you would be able to go home for a couple of days for your birthday if it's something you'd like ?

I don't cry now as much as I used to but the pain is still just as raw every single day, the loneliness is incredible and life just feels very long even though time is also flying by. I find it hard to grasp my Dad will be gone 2 years in December and I will be going into year 3. Personally I don't find it easier, sometimes I feel it's harder now because the support dwindles a little, every goes back to their normal lives, I feel like I'm going further and further down people's "list of priorities".

I'm so sorry your husband thinking you need to "get over it", it's hard enough without having to hide the pain and sadness. It is frustrating when others who have lost someone have reacted differently and they have expectations that you "should" be like them. I truly despise those words of get over it and moving on. We are living with it, that's more than enough to ask of someone, you are doing the best you can and nobody should expect or want more from you.

I just look forward to the day when I hope too that I will see my Dad again and really that day can't come fast enough. I'm sick of the frustration of wanting to talk to him, SO MUCH I want to tell him, so much I want to hear his opinion on. Now I find myself seeing certain things or hearing certain things in the news and wondering "had any of that started when Dad was still here", and sometimes I just don't know but I just want to be able to chat with him about the little things.

As always I wish I had words of comfort for you but I don't. Sending you a big hug and lots of love,

Niamh wub.gif

xo

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Niamh,

Your words were very comforting. Thank you. I think more than anything I would love to sit across the table and have a cup of coffee with her and talk to her about everything.

I am so sorry about your Dad - I know you guys were close as well. It is those little things we miss the most - those things we never really even noticed until we couldn't do them anymore.

Angel

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Your story speaks to me. I am in a very similar position. I lost my father one year ago next week. I am stuck 3000 miles away with my boyfriend. No family out here and no friends. Just him. Although he's been great, he cannot understand my pain because (thank goodness) he has never experienced a loss so profound. I want nothing more then to be with people who love me and not stuck at my job but I have no money so I have no options. Work is an added stress and I feel like i am having a nervous breakdown and I am about to break...I dont know how to come up with a solution because nothing it going to end this pain.

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