Princesspeanut

Hey Mikey, I lost mine almost 2 years ago and its still really hard...I had a VERY difficult time in the beginning and I lost my own will to live. What helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel is that you have to know, this is not what your Dad wants for you. Im sure he wishes he could take away the pain but he can't. He wants you to be happy and live your life in a confident, healthy way. The situation will never "Get better", nothing can make it okay but you will learn to live your life differently and incorporate your Dad into everyday life even if you can't see or hear him. I think of my Dad often and I speak to him in my head, tell him I love him. Ask him to help me be the person he knows I am capable of being and I ask for the strength to do that. I never thought I would say "it gets better" or "easier" but trust me, eventually time does make it easier. Sounds like you have a wife, family, job and most importantly, yourself to focus on. Get your life back for your Dad and talking to a professional could be REALLY helpful. You can do it!

-L WOW. I felt like you were speaking to me. I lost my Dad almost 2 years ago, when he was 58 years old as well. I hate to think that it's getting easier. I still think about him daily. But I get scared because I don't necessarily dream about him as much anymore. Sometimes I wonder where his spirit is...I miss him so much and I wish I could talk to him about everything that is going on in my life (and get a response). Im in this WEIRD place right now of not really feeling. Maybe thats because I shut things out, because I want to pretend it never happened. I was in a group of people who had health scares with their families latley and they were talking about how happy their Dads made it. I didnt even bring up the fact that mine didnt. I wanted to pretend mine did too..

I don't know if this would help you or not...I lost my Dad 17months ago. For his birthday, the first one I wasn't there to celebrate with him, I still had a celebration for him. I bought a balloon, went to the roof of my building and sent it up to heaven. I ate his favorite foods and played his favorite music. I also cried, I let it out and I let myself grieve. In a few weeks it will be his 60th birthday. Thinking of something special to do for him to remember the wonderful day God gave him life.

Daughter2010, Woah....I felt like you were speaking right to me! I lost my father a year and 5 months ago. He was 58 also. Im at this point right now that I grieved...HARD for about a year. I dont even know where that year went. It's like a big blur. Right now, I feel weird because I almost don't want to remember. I find myself thinking about him and then I begin to think about his death, the funeral, the days following and I get upset so I shut it off. My Dad used to throw out shooting stars but that stopped and he was in my dreams but that is also much less frequent. I dont know if Im losing him or if I am getting myself back by not obsessing so much. Oddly enough, my Dad lost his parents when he was younger too. One in his early 20's the other in his early 30's. Thank you for sharing.

Your story speaks to me. I am in a very similar position. I lost my father one year ago next week. I am stuck 3000 miles away with my boyfriend. No family out here and no friends. Just him. Although he's been great, he cannot understand my pain because (thank goodness) he has never experienced a loss so profound. I want nothing more then to be with people who love me and not stuck at my job but I have no money so I have no options. Work is an added stress and I feel like i am having a nervous breakdown and I am about to break...I dont know how to come up with a solution because nothing it going to end this pain.

My Dad and I, were very similar in personality. We bickered because his health was failing and I was very upset with him for not taking better care of himself. He was only 58...At one point I let him know I needed some space because I was having a hard time dealing with him continuing to drink and let his health go. As with any good dad, he let me know that he understood but still about 2 months went without us talking. I regret it SO much. We finally reconnected and spoke for an hour and had a great conversation 2 weeks to the day - before he passed. I used to stand up for myself, speak my mind, now I keep to myself, hating fighting because all I can think about is all that time wasted and all the silly hurt between us. We had a great relationship but we just butted heads on the issues of his health. I wish I said it more, I wish I showed it more....

Erin, Your post made me choked up. That is exactly how I feel. My Dad and I, we bickered and a couple of times in the last years of his life went a month or so without speaking because we had a fight. But he meant EVERYTHING to me I just never said it. Or maybe I did but not enough...Im very attached to my Mother now for the same fears.

Why couldn't I have realized all the wonderful things about my Dad when he was around? Why did I value the relationship more? My father and I had a good relationship but it could've been better. I could have called more, I could have said I love you more. Losing him without a warning in site has given me a lot guilt. A lot of stress. I feel like now I must love everyone else perfectly because if I lose them and make the same mistakes I made with my father, I will have regrets. I stress out very much about what my Dad thinks of me, now that he is watching over me. Is he disappointed? Is he surprised. I find myself doing little things like swearing or burping and then I feel like my Dad can see me and he is shaking his head and getting mad, like he would if he was here. So I have all this pressure to be perfect because I just dont want to disappoint him. Am I crazy???? Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, Im so consumed with my Dad or his thoughts and perception of me, I dont know if it is shaping me into a better person or worse. My guilt is making me act out and then I feel more guilt for acting out because I know my Dad is watching and is disappointed.

I just cannot seem to get it together with work. I have 3 bad days, 2 good days a week. Most of the time I just sit and stare or fuss around all day long on the computer doing non-work related things. Im very snappy and moody with my co-workers and I dont wanna be, but sometimes they will come in my office or call me when Im looking at pictures of my Dad online or E-mailing someone about him. I know I am not at all preforming to my capacity but I cant snap out of it!

Thinking of you. I know how you feel, it's easy to get caught up and escape. Just remember that your grandmother wants more for you. Your a good person, experiencing a hard time

LouLou, My mom is the same way! I wanna love her and love every second of her because now that my Dad is gone, I can't bear to lose her too but wow, yes I feel like she is jealous of all the attention or energy i spend greiving for my Dad (they were divorced). I feel like because she has her parents she cannot relate and she wants me to just "get over it already" attitude. Its been only 5 months! Ou tof respect for my father and his memory I do not choose to druge up bad things, just remember the good and it seems that shes the opposite. I know shes hurting too, but her comments are hurtful. When I rest flowers where my Dads ashes were spread she said "Thats a waste of money" because it was winter. But My Dad saw me there, he saw me paying my respects to him and acknowleding him. To me, no money can be too much for that. My sister has also stopped talking to me, for being "immature" because I called her out for not asking how I was ONCE since my Dad died. Your Dad sounds like a wonderful guy

Sweedifish, I couldn't agree more with L. My father passed almost 6 months ago and I am still an emotional rollercoaster. The death put quite a strain on my boyfriend and my relationship because I was very depressed. I couldn't show love, i wasnt interested in sex, I didnt feel like he understood me because he never lost a parent. I began to feel guilty about my state of depression because I felt like I was bringing him down with me. I have such a hard time at work, I almost forgot my own birthday coming up...If we had not been together for years prior to my father passing, I dont think we wouldve survived. Just be his friend. Be there for him but give him space and lots of understanding.

Maybe your brother is trying to stay positive to hide the hurt. Sometimes I tell myself the same thing your brother says...it helps me to understand the tragedy of it all. Or at least make it less painful. Thanks for the support, I feel your pain too. im here if you need anything

Oh LouLou my heart breaks for you. Im so sorry for what you are going through...I thought the same thing, like maybe in the wake of this tragedy, it would at least bring the family together. I guess we were just fooling ourselves. You must be so angry! How do you deal with it? Im having a hard time finding an outlet for all my anger. Your brother sounds so much like my sister, its uncanny. Congratulations for being blessed with a baby, maybe your Dad knew you needed someone who was on YOUR side

A few months ago my father passed away suddenly...I thought my family would call come together, that we would help each other heal. I was extremely close to my stepmother, she had been married to my father since I was a young child and I considered her almost as much of a mother than my own. She took care of me while my parents were going through a divorce and was really someone whom I admired. When my father passed, she didn't even call me. As a matter of fact I had to fly across the country to my hometown and show up at the house my father passed away in, just to get answers. As his daughter, I would hope that his wife would overlook the difficulty of having that conversation in order to properly inform immediate family! Since he passed, I have repeatedly made attempts to reach out to her. I have sent thoughtful gifts and flowers, I have called and texted repeatedly with a response about 1 out of 15 attempts to get a hold of her. I did get a birthday card with some money, but very minimal thought...Again, I flew across the country twice to go home. Once for Christmas, the first one I ever had to spend without my Dad. The second, for a wedding...the wedding Ill never have because I wont have my Dad to walk me down the asile. Both trips were very emotionally draining. Both times, since I had traveled so far I reached out to my stepmother to get together. I hadn't seen her since my father passed and really needed someone who understood what I was experiencing. Both times she "forgot" I was coming home and didn't see me. Those two times broke my heart. So I am just wondering if there is anyone out there who has lost not only someone in life, but has lost the people you loved too? I have been totally shut out from someone I need so badly and I know I can't make her behavior change but it hurts so much I can't imagine it hurting anymore than it does. No one in my fathers family has reached out to me since he passed. My own sister, whom I never had a good relationship with has gotten colder and colder. I guess I do my fair share about complaining about her behavior to others but to her I am always, cordial and kind. I guess I figured since I was the little sister maybe she could be there for me the way I have been being there for her. I guess I figured wrong. No "Love" in an E-mail. She hasn't once asked me how I am doing since my father passed yet I have listened to repeated complaints and hour long text sessions about her health, meanwhile she doesn't ask about mine. I feel like my feelings are de-valued. That because I am not crying all the time (although I cry quite often) and because I dont post my innermost feelings on Facebook, I have none. I almost feel like I need to be in a worse condition for them to stand up and take notice. The anxiety and stress is part of my health that puts me in the most danger. And this is no exception. It makes it worse. It makes me feel like ive done something wrong...How can family just close the door on someone? Do I have to cry out for help louder than I already am?

I just have to VENT!!!! I don't understand WHY my sister is being so mean and heartless to me. What have I done to deserve behavior like this? We are all going home to spread my fathers ashes and I thought a nice idea to commemorate the date would be a photo collage. Instead of saying "Well thats A nice Idea, Id be more comfortable with something else" she tells me that it's morbid. She doesn't even give me the dates that she is coming home to spread the ashes (we have picked a specific day, but we all live out of state so I wanted to see what dates she was coming in) So basically, she wants to see me just the day she spreads the ashes and thats it. Even more importantly my boyfriend whom im marrying is coming up at the same time, to meet the family. She could care less about that too. I feel like ever since my father passed away my family has turned there backs on me. Im all alone and she doesn't even care how I am? I could be dying and she wouldn't know and she wouldn't care. I have so much anger and hurt that it is leading to destructive behaviors all caused by these few people. Am I too sensitive? I just can't believe she can be so heartless. Im her SISTER!! Im so hurt and it makes my emotions go wild. Is it that hard to be cordial to someone?

I feel your anger. I thought when my father passed that we would all come together, be there for each other and heal. One of my sisters has been my biggest supporter, listening to me and being there for me. The other, not once has asked me How I feel. My assumption is because I don't post my innermost feelings on Facebook, she just assumes Im okay. I have E-mailed her and texed several times asking her how she is and she responds with all her problems and thats it. Never asks if I am ok. Truth of the matter is that I live 3000 miles away from my family and I dont believe they know that I have been struggling with substances, that I went through a bout with cutting myself or how lonely i am. When my father passed my sister made awful comments about her having a better relationship with him, because she knew him longer. It was hard for me to forgive at first but I did and then I get a one-sided relationship in return. Im not much for giving up on people, especially when I think our family should be together...but Im so mad that my feelings are disregarded. I feel like I don't have the right to have any. Or if I dont shout from the rooftops that Im dying inside that Im okay and can continue to be ignored.

nanasbaby, All I ever want is the things from childhood, when my Dad was around and fine and childhood memories so I think what your doing is so normal. I even have considered moving back to my childhood neighborhood because i just want for one second to feel the happiness I did as A child. Sometimes I cannot even believe it has happened...Im so sorry for the loss of your mother, especially in the first few weeks you've just got to let yourself do whatever feels right. Im so sorry for everything your going through and you are in my thoughts

Here for you too Jodi, anytime

Thank you L - You took the words right out of my mouth "I feel like Im just existing"...I feel so worthless and I want to be the type of person that my Dad would be proud of, but everytime I get happy I remember the tragedy and I am lost again into my sadness. Thanks for letting me know I am normal

BellaRosa, I am here and I understand how you feel totally - it is good to know we are not alone in our struggles and our desire to turn back time. Sometimes when the loop starts playing I just distract myself with some kind of happy fantasy that is so unrelated to death, like winning the lottery

Thank You Niamh, your words were very true and powerful. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out...Im here for you if you need anything

I lost my Dad 3 months ago and my pain just seems to be getting worse and worse internally and Im having a harder time expressing it externally. I just wish that people could see, feel, know my pain! Im not the type of person to parade around my feelings so it has been challenging because I can look or act fine, but inside im dying. All I want to do is die, I want to get rid of this feeling of guilt and anxiety. The funeral, the phone calls, my image of what happened when he passed it plays over and over in my head like a loop. I try to laugh, I go to work but privately I feel like such a shell of the person I used to be. I feel like all my great qualities and free, fun spirit died with my father. Plus I gained nearly 15lbs, so even physically I feel terrible. Everyone says to work out and release endorphans but I dont want to do ANYTHING but lay on the couch. Im afraid my relationship is beginning to suffer because my partner cannot make me happy...he does make me so happy but the girl he fell in love with is lost and I dont know how to even get her back. We still have no spread my fathers ashes so hes not even laid to rest...I always read about how death has changed peoples lives, but it has destroyed mine...I don't have any friends that have been through this and I feel like my family needs me. Everyone thinks im the 'strong' one, but I am so weak and losing control....

Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad suddenly too, he was 58. I also feel like no one understands me. They cannot see inside my soul and see all the pain that I am feeling all the time. I then get angry and begin to hate myself because I just can't 'be normal'. Even my moments of normalcy are always awakened with the fact that I have had this extreme loss in my life, this tragedy. I cannot STAND people around who are mopey or in a bad mood because they 'got dumped' or 'have a lot of schoolwork'...I would love problems so trivial! It drives me crazy because I want to say 'do you know what pain is?'...I often feel so selfish for wanting to be all about me and not being able to relate to anyone or anything else but it's so hard.

My biggest regret is that until my father passed away I really did not realize how much of a wonderful person he was. To me he was always Dad and we had a bit of a strained relationship towards the end of his life because I felt that he was ignoring his declining health. After he passed away, going through photographs, hearing stories from family and colleagues made me realize what a wonderful man he was, whos life and ability to shine was not able to come to light because his disase held it back. Now I wish I knew, I wish I appreciated my father more. I wish he was back in my life so I could tell him how wonderful I think he is!! I feel like we didnt get a chance to know each other the way I wish we could have. I need more time with him! He was taken without warning and now I am left here with all these things I want to say and do with him that I can't! I try to get spritual and speak to him but it is so hard because I dont know if he can hear my thoughts or if I have to say these things out loud?