Trying To Be His Rock

[amw]

I'm lossing my partner of five years to cancer. One of hardest part for me is I want to spend as much time with him as possible, but he now sleeps much of the time. It is so hard to watch what he is going through, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I told him from the start when we found out he had cancer that I wasn't going anywhere, and to lean on me through the tough times and laugh with me in the good times. He tried several times to push me away, but I didn't back down and he finally realize I ment what I said. It is so difficult watching someone that full of life become so fraile so quickly. He said to me about a week ago when we were talking about things he still wants to do, that his heart and head tell him one thing, but his body just can't do it any more.

[mfh]

I am so sorry about all you are going through. I know what it is to watch the person you love lose abilities and die. My husband of many many years died almost two years ago. I was his caregiver as we both walked through his Alzheimer's disease. I do recommend that you get some support from friends or a grief group and that you get out of the house on occasion to get some space for yourself. Caregiving is hard work both emotionally and physically so get support as you can. Reading posts here will help you a lot as all of us have gone through losses that are difficult. Peace to you, Mary

Edited January 21, 2012 by MartyT
Link to Caregiving resources inserted

[amw]

Mary,

Thank you for your kind words, they are greatly appriciated! I too am sorry for your loss. I agree with what you said about needing to have breaks away, and I am in school studying to become a social worker and ironicly a grief counselor, as I want to work in hospice. I have lost other family members to different types of cancer, and both of my parents have had cancer and other health issues that have drawn me to this field and area of study. We just found out he had the cancer in the middle of May, and it's been non stop with tests, biopsies, treatments and hospital trips and sometimes stays in the hospital. He has declined so quickly, and even with my knowledge of what's to come, I just want more time! Time for us to be able to travel, time to cuddle, time to go to movies and all the other things we use to do that we no longer can. Am I being selfish? At times I think I am, because I don't want to loss him, yet other times I wish he would quietly just fall asleep and be out of pain. It's so hard because he will be taking such a big piece of me with him when he goes, yet I promised him I would be the best social worker and grief counselor I can be to help other families and patients going through the loss. He wouldn't let me drop out of school, not even cut my hour, because he said he is proud of me and what I will be doing to help others.