amw

Mary, I to like rituals, and traditions. But, the younger generations are lossing them, or just don't want to be a part of them much anymore. Guess I'm showing my age, hahaha! We need to feel connected to both the present and the past, but I agree I get emotional thinking of some of James and my traditions and rituals, as well as our families. Both of our families use to have large family reunions/get togethers, but the younger generations just seem to think that the older ones will be around forever, and will see them then. Not usually the case though, we lost four members of James family in between reunions, and two more, James included shortly after the last one. Family use to mean something to people, but now the younger ones forget about, or don't want to be bothered with their elders. They say they are just to busy. So sad for them, they just don't understand what they are truely missing out on.

Kay, That is sooooooo true! Length of time doesn't matter, quality is what counts! We both are so fortunate to understand and appriciate that about the special loves in our lives. I also agree that if we had been together for 40 or 50yrs we still would of been just as in love and felt the same honeymoonish feeling, too!

Annette, James and I were the same, we met because he moved in behind a family member of mine, and I was introduced to him one day. Soon after we would start talking everytime I was over to my family member's house, from there we started hanging out alot, and soon after we started dating. But the whole time I told myself I was not going to ever get married again, haha, the joke was on me! We only had five years together, and sometimes when I hear my friends talk about how long they have been, or had been married from my widowed friends, I kind of feel cheated out of time James and I should of had together, and even a little jealous that they got to have all those years with the one they love so deeply, and it hurts.

Harry, Anne, Kay, Mary, Larrysgirl, Kountryvet, This was a very hard assignment for me, I want more days with my James, and one seems so painful to think about in many ways, yet if that is all I could have I agree with yoy Kay, I would take it. But I also understand where some of you are coming from by saying how painful it would be, almost a tease of who we no longer have, and want so desperately to have back in our lives. When I did the assignment I cried the whole time, but if I could have him for one day I would want to make it special for him, because it made me happy to see James happy. Yes, Kountryvet the people you meet here have many similarities, and thoughts. I think it's because we have all gone through probably one of the greatest losses of our lives, if not the greatest (which I know it has been for me!) and are going through the grieving process, some farther along, and some around the same place we are, and others a ways behind, but we all have the loss and the grief that connect us to this forum. Thank you all for your replies. Peace to you all amw

I was recently given an assignment in class to write a paper about "If you could have one more day with someone you lost, who would it be, what would you do for that day, and what would you talk to that person about?" I know we probably all would say our spouses, partners or significant others. I wanted to spend it with my beloved husband James! How would you answer that question? How would you want to spend you day? Wouldn't it be wonderful if it would come true?!

I so agree with you all! I know I am not ready, probably never will be, James was and is my soul mate, that will never change! I have thrown myself into my school work, and because the guys who have shown interest don't get the message of me not being interested in them, I just get tired of wasting my breathe, so I tell them I'm just to busy with school, homework, and my internship. It's the truth, and I much rather put my focus on the work I started before James got sick, and that he was so proud of me for acheiving! Maybe they will get the message eventually, but I dout it. I am to tired to deal with people who want to tell me that I should forget about the pain and loss I feel so deeply, for the love of my life. In my one class they asked the question "If given one day, who would you want to spend it with, doing what, and talking about?" The only one I wanted was James, I cried the whole time I wrote the paper, just wishing to have him back, if only for just one more day! I know I'm not alone with this thought, I know we all wish for one more day with the ones we love and miss so deeply, I even stated I would like for it to be one of his healthy days, so that we could do things he enjoyed so much, and couldn't do at the end, even though he was fighting to be able to do them.

LindaKate, I too am so sorry for your loss. This has been a very good place to come for me, many supportive people that truely understand what you are going through, and how it takes time, sometimes lots and lots of time before you begin to feel like you can even begin to take a step forward. You have suffered a great loss, and you need to be kind and loving to yourself right now, nurture yourself as much as possible, and lean on the people here, we will support you! It has been 9 1/2 months since I lost my husband, and I know that I am some better, but still have a long way to go. We will always love and miss our beloved spouses, that will never change! Give yourself permission to grief your loss, we will be here for you along the way. Don't be to hard on yourself, you have been through a lot, so give yourself time, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks, they are NOT in your shoes, and they don't have your connection to your spouse the way you did. People mean well, but at a time like this, they don't understand, and they have difficulty with comforting us. They just want us to move on and forget all the rest, but we can't and shouldn't do that, we need this time to mourn and grief the ones we love. There is no set time period for grief, so don't let others tell you there is, everyone is unique, and has to process it in their own way and time.

Kay, Yeah that is one of my main worries, that my sons won't want to help me, or take care of me the way I have for all these years with them; and without James to take care of me the way I took care of him (and he did take care of me when I was sick from time to time) he even came when I was in the hospital and made sure I ate, even if he had to feed me himself. He was wonderful, once I had the flu, and he would bring me tea and toast, or gingerale and chicken soup right to the bedroom and made sure I ate, and wouldn't let others disturb me if I was sleeping. I never had that kind of care before, I probably never will again. I'm glad that my sons are in school, too! I want them to have a better life than I have, but that's almost a joke these days. I want them to be happy, healthy and love what ever job or career they choose, because that's half the battle, and if you enjoy what you do it doesn't make it quite as much of a job (chore to go to)!

Kay. It is difficult, especially with my age and disabilities, but I feel the need to get through it so that I can help others. Yes, both of my sons are in school as well, but only a single major, but they both work as well. I unfortunately got one of the bugs going around and have been down the past few days. Hope it passes soon, have way to much to do! Hope things are going ok for you, I think of you and Mary often, as well as so many others here. I can't believe it has been 9 months since James has passed away, I still miss him so deeply, and miss his touch and encouragement, our talks and just snuggling, basically I plain miss everything!

Thanks Mary, Yes, sleep is still a big issue for me, some connected to still grieving, some life stressors, school, and my health issues that cause so much pain, that has been the worst one lately. I don't know if it's the cold damp weather, or combination of things adding up to make the pain worse. I am trying to just stay focused on school, and the price at the end of all the hard work I am putting in. I try to take time for me each day now with meditation, deep breathing exercises, and tai chi. It also helps with my pain, as well as getting me re-focused. I never use to take time for myself, I thought it was being selfish, but after losing James, I found it was a necessity! Back in Dec. I had my oldest son go to a memorial program that delt with grief/loss and the holidays. He said to me on the way there, you just keep doing this and draging this out, why can't you just get over it and move on? Then he said why did you want me to come with you anyway? I said to him for the first question, you just don't get it! Maybe one day you will, but not right now. And to the second question, I told him I thought he needed it as much if not more than I did. After the memorial he said on the way home, now I can see that you are moving forward, and that it will take time. He also said he was glad he ended up going with me, because he said it helped him understand me a little better, as well as how it real did affect him, too! It's amazing what we can learn if we open ourselves to new experiences, and see others strengths and how we can help each other.

Mary, It's ok to want someone to be there for companionship, or even more! I know that at 9 months out I am not there, not sure I ever will be, but my grandmother was married 25 yrs to my grandfather when he died of a massive heart attack. She was single until she was 67, then found someone and married after a year and a half, they celebriated their 25th anniv. last feb, and he passed two weeks later, sadly. But the point is they found each other and had 25 great years together! I'm sure Mike wouldn't want you to be all alone for the rest of your life, he knows you will always love him, and never forget what you two had together!

So true that we are still ourselves, but over time we also became so much more because of our beloved. Partners/spouses/soul mates they helped us to grow and change from our original self, just as other life experiences do over time. After the loss, we still have ourselves, but with a large empty whole.

Thanks for your continued support Mary and Kay! I have made it through my first two weeks of school, but with five classes and an internship it is pretty crazy! All I want to do is sleep on the weekends, but all I get to do is homework. Like you said Mary, my plate is pretty full, and seems to overflow at times too! I have to get up at 4a.m. for school all week, so to get to sleep in would be nice, but I don't think there will be a chance for that anytime soon! I miss James' encouragement and pride in my being in school. If I am having a rough day, I close my eyes and can hear him say those words of encouragement that I so miss, and need to hear.

Thanks Mary and Kay, You two have never steered me wrong! I'm not even close to being ready to even think about going on a date, let alone start a new relationship. Not sure I ever want to get into one. Yes, my schedule is very intense right now, and it would be nice to have friends to get together with from time to time, but like you said Kay, your friend has found that some of the guys try to make it more than it is, I don't want that. I am still working through my grief and the loss of my soul mate/husband James, and even though I know in this earthly life I will never have him back, I still feel that it would be cheating on what we had. Does that make any sense to you, or am I just crazy? I know that I am doing better some days, but I will never be over the loss of my James. Thanks you two! Good to be reconnected with you both!

I haven't been on for awhile, been busy getting ready to return to school. I started back this past week, it is hard getting back in the grove of things, plus I am taking five classes and doing two full days of internship. Have missed talking with many of you here! I have recently had three different men show interest in dating me, but I feel like in some way I would be cheating on my husband, and I'm not sure I want to date, ever! I would like a friend to do stuff with, such as going to dinner or a movie, or other events and activites, just not ready for a new relationship. It has only been 8 1/2 months since I lost my soul mate and I just wanted to through myself into school, then come home to my sweet little girl, my dog Chloe. Any suggestions, have any of you felt this way? How do you move forward when all you want to do is go back? amw

Durbin, It is sooooooooo the truth, I agree with all of you! I have to say I have been going through much of this too. My husband's best friend told me he would be here and we would get together often, and they would help take care of me the way Jim would want them to do. He won't answer my calls or texts, haven't heard from him since 2 weeks after Jim died. Both his family and mine have gone back to their lives, and don't call or check on me, or even invite me over. My friends have walked away, too! Someone told me it is called death cooties, and someone else told me it is because we remind them of what could happen to them, and it is to much for them to handle. Not sure who is right, but I agree with you, it hurts and it hits us deeply because it's more loss on top of our losses of our beloved spouses. People are so busy thinking about themselves, they forget there are others that need to feel wanted and accepted and apart of something too! People are not as open and friendly as they use to be, and life in general for most people is so high speed and husle and busle they don't know how to connect with others. Just my opinion! Kay, Yeah, Jim would be suprised and shocked at our friends and family too! I at least expected his family to be here, not mine, they are not supportive at all. When I had to stop at my parents with my son to have my dad help him with a tire issue last week all I heard the whole time I was there was how I needed to loss weight, my mom even told me I needed bariatric surgery. I admit I am about 30 or 40 lbs over weight, but to get this was beyond words. I guess it shouldn't suprise me, as this is always how they have been.Still hurts though. Pets do help, if I didn't have Chloe I don't know if I could of made it this far, she keeps me going. Anne, I agree with you! I am sorry you are going through this cold shoulder treatment! All we want is to be accepted and apart of things that are going on. People can be so heartless and cruel!

Kay, It is very sweet, and that is why I picked it up that night. Just looked up and saw it, maybe Jim made me look up just to see the bear and pick it up, to hear his messages. At least I would like to think so! He told me early in our relationship that he usually didn't do the gifts/flowers for valentine's day, we would usually just go for dinner and sometimes a movie, even though I always did the sappy cards and a little gift basket I would make up for him. So in 2010 I was shocked to say the least when he got me a stuffed bear holding a heart and a box of chocolates. The chocolates are long gone, but the large bear sits on the shelf in my closet next to the basket of smaller stuffed animals I have recieved as gifts over the years, or picked up on our vacations. That is what made me look up, the larger bear, then I looked over to the basket and picked up the little bear with the message. Sorry, I know you didn't want to hear all that. amw

Anthony, Thanks for the suggestions, yeah I have those moments and wonder why too! Sorry it has been a few days, my computer is acting up. Just one more thing I need going on right now, haha! Trying to have a sense of humor, but just don't feel like it. I was in my closet the other day and picked up this little bear that Jim had gotten for me when I was in the hospital from a fall down my stairs, it has a button to push to hear it's little lines. I pushed it and it said "don't forget to laugh today, I sure miss your smile" and the next one said " I want you to know I am thinking of you" after that it said a few others, but it was wierd how these were the first two it played, as if a message from Jim. I could only imagine what I would of looked like if I had seen myself in a mirror, it really surprised me to say the least, but maybe it was his way of sending me a message. amw

Nats, Anthony, Mary and Kay, Thanks for your support! I am trying to get things done around my apartment, sorting, purging (not Jim's stuff, just mine), organizing rearranging and so on. But, I find myself not being able to stay on trask very well, and some days just can't get myself to do anything. Have any of you gone through not being able to remember where you put something, even something you use every day like your keys? I generally put them on the table by my chair, but there are days I look for them or other things that I know where they should be, but it is as if they grew legs and walked off. I'm still trying to get a lot of things worked out financially, but it is so exhausting and drains much of my energy and the little bit of mind I have right now. That also bothers me because I am generally on top of all this type of stuff, and I feel like a bumbling idiot since Jim died. I will be starting a couple of grief classes through hospice next week, but don't know what to expect, and worry I won't have the energy to deal with them either. But, going to give it a shot, hoping they can help some. amw

Mary, Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers through your transition!

I am having such a hard time lately, I just feel like I can't move forward, as I keep struggling to work through all the financial, emotional and physical pain. I have been having a hard time sleeping at night, and can't seem to get with it during the day, most days. I am tired of fighting for help, and the repetition of all of it is tiring and time consuming. I am so drained and have no fight left. It has been just over 2 months since I lost Jim, had to go through both our birthdays, memorial day, and now the 4th with out him. I don't even try to get a hold of so called friends on the phone, or by texting any more because I don't have the energy, and they are not making the effort to reply back. I just feel so tired, lonely and that I am being pulled under the water of life, and don't have the energy to keep swimming to the top for air. I don't feel I have anything to be possitive about, even though I know in my head I should, I just don't. When people tell me to think of the possitive, it upsets me, because there are no possitives going on in my life since Jim died. I went to take the trash out today, just to find I had a flat tire. I just don't know how much more I can take. I never use to be like this even having many set backs in my life, But this time it may just be too much.

Lina, I can understand so many of the things you are saying and feeling, as I too feel that way most days. But, Mary and Kay I also agree with and Mary has such strength, style and wisedom! She gives such good advice, as does Kay and so many others who have been on this path for a while longer than we have. We still need to allow ourselves the time to process and work through this grief, and even though we will be different people due to our losses it doesn't mean we will not be strong, beautiful women once again that will be able to help others on our path. I know you said you feel to old to start over, I get that, as I am older than you and can't even imagine that at this point. But, no one is saying run out and find a new man, they are saying give yourself time, care and open yourself to new possibilities for life! Then, if some one new comes along, great, but if not, at least you have a strong foundation to stand on, on your own! No frankinstien, just a young beautiful woman that has had to change her course of direction in life, due to the loss of her wonderful husband!

Lina, Testing before you get rid of your beloved pets would be my suggestion, there are also a lot of seasonal allergies that can cause the reaction. I have allergies and it has been a bad year for them, I also am allergic to cats and birds and long haired dogs. But if this is her first reaction it could be to pollens, or even foods, etc. So, testing would be best to get a more def. answer.

You all are so right about being whacked on the back of the head! I liked what NATS said about wanting to think of them as being on a journey that we will meet up with them eventually! I still not quite 8 weeks out, forget as I am driving home from someplace and can't wait to tell him something or want his opinion on something, or just want to talk about stuff. Then it hits, Jim isn't here to tell, or talk to anymore. Waterworks and loneliness just don't stop at these times.

Missing him, It is such a help to have wonderful people like Marty, Mary and Kay, as well as so many others here to be supportive. I know that these three wonderful women have helped, and continue to help me and so many others. We have entered a club we never wanted to be a part of, but if I have to be a part of it I'm glad I'm in good company! You are still being so rough on yourself, you need to be kind to yourself! Give yourself the care and time you need. It will be 2 months on the 24th since I lost Jim, I still am having a difficult time, and there are days I don't want to get out of bed let alone do anything else. When I finally do get going I loss track of time or wonder around lost at times, not remembering what I was planning on doing. Other days it's a little better. Just give yourself the right to have the time you need, and like Kay said, one day you will finally feel like getting out with family or friends. I hope time will ease your pain and strengthen your memories! amw