Still Angry After All These Years

[Aquarius7]

I am sorry, but this has been bothering me a lot. It has for over 40 years, but I still cannot let it go. With my Mom's passing and all that has happened, it has resurfaced very intensely.

Kind of long. Sorry!

One day when I was 5 years old, my ever-loving Mom was bringing my older, selfish, teenage brother, who was either 14 or 15, and his neighborhood friend somewhere in her car. I went along for the ride. It was a hot, sunny day about 5:00 in the afternoon. We were driving on a raised highway on a slightly inclined up-ramp (not a merge lane, but there was one ahead). Also, there was no emergency lane on this road. It was a 2-lane highway going one way with 2 lanes of traffic traffic going the other way, divided by a very low cement barrier. In other words, there was very little walking area and safety area.

Then suddenly, the car broke down. Not sure what it was, but this was a 1966 4-door Buick that my Mom loved. My Mom did not know what to do. The car would not re-start. Instead of being a helpful, kind, compassionate and loving son, my older, selfish brother tells his friend, "Come on, we are leaving!" His friend kind of looked like he did not know what to do, but felt he had no choice to go along with my idiot, older, selfish, arrogant, teenage brother. My Mom said, "Please don't leave us. Please!" My mean, idiot, older, selfish, teenage brother then jumped out of the car and started hitch-hiking. My Mom got out of the car and once again pleaded with my disrespecful, mean, idiot, older, selfish, arrogant, teenage brother and said, "Please don't go! Please stay and help us! What am I going to do?", this time in tears. I very clearly remember my heartless, disrespectful, mean, idiot, older, selfish teenage brother yelling something very mean at us like, "Shut up! And stop crying! Both of you! We're going! You are not going to keep us from doing what we want! This is not my fault! We don't need you to give us a ride! We're getting out of here and have to get going!" My poor, ever-loving Mom cried even more and said once more "Please don't go! Please help us! I have your little brother with me. He is only 5 years old! We need your help! Please don't leave us here alone!"

At this point, her youngest son (me) was crying too and very scared. While totally ignoring us as cars were driving by which were also ignoring us, my good for nothing, mean, idiot, older, arrogant, selfish older brother ignored us and continued trying to get a ride. Suddenly a car stopped, picked up the hitchhikers and there was my Mom with her 5 year old son, both of us in tears. I was scared. REALLY scared. It was getting close to sunset. Remember, this was 40 years before cell phones and texting and all that.

My ever brilliant and smart Mom told me to stay by her and had put the blinkers on and stood on the right side of the car on the very small walkway along the road and kept waving her hands and saying "help!" This walkway had a guard rail only about 4 feet tall and very easy for either or both of us to fall about 50 feet to our deaths. Not to mention the speeding cars passing by and ignoring us.

After about 45 minutes of fear and feeling completely helpless, a man pulled up behind our car in his car. He was very calming and told me and my Mom that everything was going to be alright. He opened up the hood and found out whatever the problem was. Being that this was still before cell phones, we had to call a wrecker. I remember getting into his car with my Mom and him giving us a ride to a phone to call a wrecker. Then we went back and waited and the wrecker came and towed my Mom's car somewhere to be fixed and the man stayed with us the whole time and then gave us a ride back home. Now just THINK for a moment if this man would have acted like he was helping us, but really was abducting us and could have done anything to us. Kidnap? Rape? Robbery? Murder? All of the above! Just think of what could have happened because of my good for nothing, mean, idiot, older, arrogant, careless, selfish older brother! That is a lot of why this still upsets me so much.

Luckily for us, he was none of the above and in fact the total opposite. My Mom got his name, address and number. We never saw him again. I really think he was a Guardian Angel. His whole demeanor about him was so calm and calming. All this talk of heroes? Well, this guy was a hero.

I remember telling my Mom what a great guy this man was and that we really needed to do something for him. My Mom said, "Yeah, he sure was. Maybe get him a wrench or something." That was my Mom.

So anyway, thank you for reading if you still are!

So my whole thing is, is that I am still angry at my cruel, disrespectful, mean, idiot, selfish and life-endangering older brother after almost 42 years.

Okay you say, "kids are kids and it is all about them." I disagree. This was flat out MEAN. He could have cared less about the welfare, safety and of his Mom and little brother. Even his friend knew it was not right. I could see it.

Why does it also bother me after all these years? Because I SERIOUSLY doubt he ever thought about it again and SERIOUSLY doubt he EVER apologized to my Mom about it. That is the main thing that bothers me after all these years. He certainly did not apologize to me and has to much of an EGO to do so now, 42 years later. I am sure his EGO has made him completely forget about it and would think I was crazy even remembering it and bringing it up. And even if he admitted the incident happened, he would find someway of justifying it because of his EGO ("well we had to be somewhere." "We were going to come back and check on you." "I was going to call someone to go help you all."). Would you be surprised if I told you he is now a defense attorney?! LOL!

Anyway, it still bothers me and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants some kind of vengeance, but the real part of me knows that is not how I am and that I do not believe in that. Just knowing this happened and what he did to my Mom (more than what he did to me) makes me furious and livid 42 years later. I don't know how to deal with it. And by the way, this was not the only thing he ever did to my Mom, which I know he never apologized for.

At least whatever stupid things I did to my Mom (Nothing like what he did. Never!), I made it a POINT to apologize for. And I also THANKED her for everything she did for me and our family. Numerous times. And I would give her little gifts occasionally and say "I am really sorry for what I did on such and such a date and I hope this helps say I am sorry and that I hope you forgive me." or "This is to say thank you so much for what you did for me on such and such a date." She would always appreciate this and sometimes laugh at how I even REMEMBERED such things and dates! By the way, this was all said YEARS before she got sick and I even did it again when she got sick. She forgave me completely and told me I was welcome for all she did. I cannot tell you how great I feel that I did this.

Thanks for reading all this!

[Lina]

I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. *hugs* what your brother did was wrong, horrible and left you and your mom in a very scary situation. I am so relieved that nothing really horrible happened as a consequence. Your anger is reasonable. You have a right to feel this way. My concern is how your anger is affecting you. Your anger is not helping you or your mom. It is not hurting your brother. The only person it is affecting now is you. I know it is hard to forgive something this big, but until you are able to forgive and let it go the anger will continue to live inside you. *hugs*