It Hurts...

[ShanN]

You know what hurts? You know what hurts more than any physical pain I have... More than anything in this world...

Is that yes, I held my Mama's hand, yes I held her in my arms... When she died... After my stepfather shot her. I held her, I held her so close, I squeezed her hand. But she was gone. She was just gone...

I'm being haunted tonight by that. Yes, I was there. Yes, I held her in my arms. Yes I held her hand. Yes, I touched her face. But she was gone. I don't know if she knew I was holding her. Because she was gone... He shot her in the head. My heart hurts more than anything has ever hurt before.

Crying like a child. Crying like I've never cried in 24 yrs.

15 yrs was not enough time and 24 yrs since has been much too long.

[mfh]

Shannon, with all you are going through, I am wondering what you contact is with your therapist. Have you talked to her lately even on the phone. I occasionally do a Skype session with clients when they are out of town or out of the country and that might work if going to her office is just too much. I would urge you to set up some sessions at the office, phone, Skype..whatever for support during this time. Your plate is so full. I KNOW you are strong and you will come through all this but getting support along the way is so important. I could not do this journey without the people who support me and understand and hear me. I know Mother's Day is difficult for about 60% of women and men too. Some because they just lost a mom, some like you who have experience trauma around your Mom's death, others who were abused by their mom's. It is not just the Hallmark day full of joy for many. Your mom KNEW you were holding her. I truly truly believe that just as I believe Bill, even after his heart stopped and his respiration stopped, knew I was holding him and still does. I feel his presence in my heart chakra area. He is always with me and so your mom is also. I urge you to spend some time with your therapist. She knows you soooo well. Mary

[ShanN]

Mary,

I saw my therapist today. Only I got angry and walked out. I don't do anger.

I then spoke to her by phone a bit later. I'm angry at my Mom for really the first time in all these yrs. and I don't know what to do with that or how to handle it. That she didn't protect me from abuse and rape.

And I feel horrible guilt for the anger.

I will get through it somehow. Trying to do so without shutting people out. That is my automatic pilot.

[mfh]

Being angry at a parent for not protecting you is very normal. I felt that at one point too. She is fine with your anger and loving you as you allow it to surface. It is not new to you or her. It is just surfacing now and sort of like vomiting it up and getting clear of it in time. No need for guilt, though I understand that. I hope you will continue to NOT shut your therapist or others out...this is a new chapter for you....letting others support you even when you are angry. I have had several clients walk out angry from sessions...but return and work it out. Fear leads people to make exits sometimes....just try to not leave...be angry there. NOthing wrong with anger...absolutely nothing. Feelings are NOT right or wrong, good or bad...they are just feelings. Own them, spit them out, and you will feel better. SOOO glad you saw her and talked afterwards. Good for you. A new day!!!

[ShanN]

This is really a new place I am in being angry at my Mom for not knowing and not protecting me from such horrid abuse. And even angry at her staying with him through abuse and angry for dying even though he killed her. How horrible of a daughter am I for being angry at her for dying when none of it was her fault?!

It's just all foreign to me. Overwhelming. And the first instinct is to hide away.

Rose said my physical frailties right now is probably a large part of why I'm feeling new things regarding my grief and trauma.

Tomorrow, is heartbreaking or me. I am not going to church for obvious reasons... Do not want to subject my immune system to germs. But Rose is going... She goes to the same church. And my Mom will be remembered in the mass intentions.

I miss her so much yet I am angry yet she was brutally taken from me. It's all so much for sure.

In a lot of pain... Very tired. But that is expected from the chemo. But I have another week to recover further. Week from Monday I continue.

Leo wants to come home. And. Can't keep arguing with him about that and the reason he needs to be where he is or his own sake. It's exhausting to have the same conversation over and over.

[mfh]

Shannon, I do agree with your SIL. I believe when we are vulnerable physically and/or emotionally all kinds of feelings surface. When one feeling comes up, they all come up. I picture them in a container and when I am vulnerable the lid is off and everything in there can come up. As hard as it is, it is good to acknowledge and release them over time. Hiding away is a natural reaction...we feel protected when we do that. I try to acknowledge and hide via distractions...I try to balance it but frequently, too frequently, do not do such a great job of it.

I do know Mother's Day is so difficult for many. I remember my Mom with happy memories though she had tough chapters in her life. I know you have both happy and traumatic memories. Just know that she is with you, loving you as she always did. I agree staying home from church is wise. And Leo seems to have trouble comprehending that it is impossible for him to come home right now as much as he wants to do so. Maybe you can tell him you won't discuss it until it looks possible for him to come home...which is a long way off. Sort of draw a line in the sand...a boundary...as hard as that is when someone can't understand. Distraction worked with Bill when he got on something that was difficult...usually hallucination related for him...I would enter his world for a bit and then slowly lead him to a new place...a new topic. I don't know...just thinking out loud. I have this tendency to want to make everyone's world better.

Mary

[ShanN]

This song really speaks volumes because in the 15 yrs my Mom was alive... I cared more for her than I did myself. I sat with her at a very young age when she cried so often, I heard the abuse my stepfather inflicted upon her and often comforted her afterwards, I loved her beyond anything more than myself.

But I'm now after all these years angry that she didn't keep me safe. Regardless of her ability at the time.. Bottom line she was my Mom, she should have kept me safe. And all the trauma from his abuse on me and her just fell onto me. And his taking her life... Fell onto me.

Yet, still she is my hero. I love no one more than I loved her.

I miss her on this 24th Mothers Day without her.

But the 15 yrs I had with her will live on for a lifetime.

[mfh]

Shannon, I do believe it is possible to hold anger (for a while) and deep love simultaneously. Now you are getting in touch with the anger and at some point you will be able to let it go and you will be left with all the love you have for your mom. I know this is a tough day for you...and another tough chapter in your life. You are a brave strong woman who is probably pretty tired of being brave and strong. We are all here with you. Mary

[ShanN]

Yes indeed, very tired.

I've literally slept all day away. I had to force myself to wake up a few minutes ago. Simply because I know I have to keep hydrated and try to eat a little as well. Having some soup. Otherwise, I just want to sleep, obviously because what's going on physically, but also emotionally just wanting to "escape". I have a bit of a lump in my throat and teary eyes. I just want my Mom. That's all.

Hope to get back to sleep easily after eating drinking taking meds and talking to Leo.

[kayc]

Shannon,

I hope you can realize that it is okay to have all kinds of different feelings towards your mom, even coexisting. My George had a horrific background...he had a dad that was so abusive, he was alcoholic, and was physically abusive and very neglectful of the kids' physical needs for food, heat, privacy, stability, you name it. To top it off, there was incest in the family on his mom's side. It's common for a child (even when grown) to attribute one parent as bad and one as good because they need so desperately to have one good parent. But most parents aren't perfect. And the truth is, when we're grown, we have to come to terms with ALL aspects of our parents, the good and the bad. We have to do that in order to forgive them and let it go and move on. George's mom had been sexually abused by her brother growing up. Wouldn't you think, then, that she would keep her children away from him, knowing what she knew? But she didn't. He abused her children and it cause such skyrocketing effects within the family. I remember helping George to see his mom, for the first time in his life, as NOT "the good parent". As a parent flawed. A parent he deeply loved, a parent that was a whole lot better than his dad, but still not perfect. I helped him see that it was okay to feel angry with her (she'd long since passed away) for not protecting them from their uncle and from their dad's emotional and physical abuse, while still acknowledging his love for her and how hard she worked and tried with the kids (she had eleven). You see I had to do the same thing. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom was nuts, she was mean, she was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. And my dad did not protect us kids from her. For years, growing up, I saw my dad as the "good one" and hoped if they ever divorced I could live with him. I doubt such thoughts cross most kids' minds, but they did mine. I had to come to realize that BOTH of my parents let us down. My dad was still a pretty good dad in many ways, we knew he loved us, he wasn't physically, or verbally abusive, but he neglected to PROTECT us. I've been able to recognize the good AND the bad in him and forgive him and move on from it. Just as I've had to move on from my mom's abuse. I protected my kids from my mom...I let them see her, yes, but supervised. And there were times I had to cut off from her for periods. She was a difficult complicated person. She still is. Just know that while your situation may seem extreme to you, not all kids end up with a murdered parent, it isn't uncommon to have a parent that was a "good parent" that also let you down in some way. And it's okay to feel anger. And it's okay to feel love. Even all at once.

My heart goes out to you. Yes, as Mary suggested, I'd stay in touch with your therapist so she can help you sort it all out and deal with it. And none of this is your fault. Us kids, we all deserve better.

[kayc]

Shannon,

How are you doing? Been thinking of you this week...