How Do I Know That My Brother Is Gone

[Guest juliette]

my brother died 2 weeks ago. he was 10 years older than me. how do you know that you have accepted that he is gone? i know he is dead, i have good hours and bad hours, but am i doing what i am supposed to do? he was only 44 and in good health (or so everyone thought). i have freinds who have never felt this who sa it will be ok soon, and others who know who tell me it shall always hurt. am i doing the right things?

[Guest Guest_Maylissa_*]

Juliette,

I'm so sorry you just lost your brother. It's so recent for you so I know you are probably in so much pain yet. It's good that you found this site though, as it could help immensely in dealing with sibling loss.

To answer your questions, I'd like to refer you to some reading from these boards, as some of these same things were just discussed recently here. The first entry you can find under the Loss of a Pet forum, under the title "Coping with the Holidays" - it's by 'our' own Marty T. and is post #9. This post dealt with some of the many ways and means of dealing with the grief journey and I thought it might help you to know about what kinds of things you might consider doing to help yourself...but I must preface that by saying that there is no "right" way, or any one method that works for everybody. It's a matter of trial and error as to what might work best for any one person. That's the 'scary' part....you just have to try different things, at different times. But read this post and you'll get the idea. Marty always says it so well!

The other one I thought applied is under the Loss of a Spouse, etc, forum, under the title "I Need your Help with a Grief Question", again by Marty T. and it is post #4. This one dealt with 'acceptance' of a death, another very misunderstood word, I think. You'll also see my response below that post.

My brother was 12 years my senior, at age 58, when he passed away suddenly from a stroke. It was a terrible shock, especially since we'd just lost our Mother only 2 months previous. I'm glad you've come here because there aren't many I've found who not only have such wide separations in ages within the siblings, but that have lost an older sibling as well ( older to them, and older in age group ), so I hope we can talk more later. Regarding your friends, have any of them actually lost someone close to them?...cuz it seems to me that those who haven't can't really 'get' what it's like to go through these kinds of things and most folks who have DO say that you never really 'get over' it...you just learn to cope and deal with it, whilst never being more than a breath away from the love you shared with that person. And in that sense, you always may miss them, even if you carry on with your new form of living.

[Guest juliette]

Maylissa,

thankyou for your thoughts. it has been nice to read what is on this site. the freinds i have that have never lost someone (just like i was a few weeks ago) do not understand, those that have are not afraid to talk about him with me. everyone in the family seems to almost be competing for the right to be hurt the most, but really, there are no rights here, this is still the worst thing to ever happen to any of us. i find it hard to be around some of them. i am currently in between jobs as i was due to move accross the country to a new job last week. my new employer told me to start in the new year, which while being a wise decision, has left me with not a lot to do in the day. i would like to be at work, as there are only so many times you can go for a swim, clean your floors etc during the day. Still next week my sister is off work so i will go and stay with her for a bit (and probably clean her house too!)

thank you again for your response.

[Maylissa]

Juliette,

As, I believe, Marty T. has said herself, the worst grief in the world is the grief you are experiencing right now. ( if this wasn't from you, Marty, I apologize - it's this poor memory thing! ) I actually did feel this way myself...that MY grief was worse than others'...but that was based on what everyone else was doing, what they were saying and how they were saying it, what they were not saying, and how hardly anyone was crying even one tear...but mainly on their actions, which I always believe DO speak louder than words....like quickly getting rid of things that belonged to my brother and my Mother, and not offering any of them to anyone else in the family, either, as just one minor example. So I honestly DO still believe I was the one with the most-broken heart in my family. But then, that's how it's always been, too, as I had the role of 'Feeler' in my family. However, I would have been satisfied just to know any of them were sad in ANY way, even if it wasn't like me...but that was not the way it was, unfortunately. In fact, I got the definite impression that my remaining brother was actually rather glad that our Mother had left....so she'd never be able to 'bother' him again. And the only comment he had about our brother was to whine about him dying so that HE had to handle our father's mess himself. ( meanwhile, he'd already planned months before to cheat me and our dead brother out of any inheritance, so our brother's help would have been taken, then betrayed ) He also told me that our brother's son "didn't seem too shaken up " at our brother's funeral, either ( I couldn't go; our nephew was, by his mother's own admission, happily playing with his friends and busy taking pictures with his new camera - he was 12 at the time of his father's death). Then my brother did steal all our parents' money, put our father in a home ( where he DID need to be at that point ) but didn't pay for his care or direly-needed supplies...just took the money and 'ran'....so what does that tell you? No love lost there. And he's the only sibling of mine left. Even my evil father at least shed some tears at the beginning, but also had dementia so could equally-easily be literally whistling a happy tune the next second...and he's the one who sold off everything of my Mom's, including pictures of her. And my dead brother?...he's always hidden his softer feelings and preferred to stay in the intellect, so while he wasn't a beast about it, he also wasn't crying at all or seeming unhappy...just logically accepting of our Mother's death. For all I know, his stuffing of feelings was what brought on the stroke that suddenly killed him 2 months later.So there can be cases where one person IS grieving more heavily than others, although no, of course, it isn't a contest. For me though, it would have been nice to have at least one more normal family member to share in the pain.

As for cleaning to keep busy...while this can sometimes be a method by which to avoid the pain, I honestly wish I could react like this myself, at least once! Unfortunately, unlike many women I've heard this from, when I'm grieving, it knocks all the energy out of me and as a result our house has never been so dirty! ( by my standards, which are high in this dept. ) I'm about 5 years behind in some cleaning projects now, which doesn't do a whole lot of good for my self-esteem, either, not to mention my schedule. I feel like I'll never catch up again. And with more and more loss on the horizon ( father is almost 88; our furgirl almost 19; all aunts and uncles left, in their 80's ), I may have to just install dirt floors at this rate and call it a trend! So as long as it doesn't cause you grief complications later on, you might consider this reaction somewhat of a small blessing in disguise, as you can grieve in a clean house, knowing you don't have that to worry about on top of everything else. I also haven't ever been able to get back to my usual routine ( like, for my entire adult life )of preplanning menus and grocery lists in 2-wk. increments. This has been going on for all of 2 years now, and although I'm really tired of making dinners up at the last second, or having to go the route of pre-made food ( I cook from mainly scratch, as my Mother did ), I just can't seem to get that organized anymore...so I've truly lost a huge part of myself with their passings. My self-pride has really suffered a blow, as has my health now, from eating less healthily. The fall-out from mourning can be quite devastating, I'm finding.

[Guest Guest_janet_*]

Hello this is my first time in this forum.I'm desperately seeking some peace in my life. i lost my brother to suicide on dec 29 2005. i found him. He was living with me at the time. I have so much more i need to share with someone who can truly relate to my broken heart. please respond and can hopefully helf one another.

desperately seeking peace

janet