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Suicide Of A Parent


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18 months ago my father died of a heart attack. As the closest person to him, I arranged for his burial and closed off his life. 6 weeks later I received a call that my mother was found dead, she had taken an overdose. Ironically I had spoken to her the day before she died and we had also exchanged email, so although I knew my mum would go this way eventually, I did not expect it. Especially as I was getting married 3 months later and her main life goal left was to walk me down the aisle i.e. she was disabled and she was practising being able to walk comfortably. I closed off my mums life, fought for more than a year with insurance companies who refused to deal with any suspected suicides and tried moved on in my life without my parents. I thought I had. )I should add 6 months before my dad died my best friend died of cancer, followed by my godmother 2 months later)

More than 18 months later I have started to experience "anxiety attacks", severe breathing problems, heartache and feelings of being overwhelmed. My own personal life is wonderful with lots of loving so I know the attacks are not coming from the present.

I do not want to see a doctor because I do not want to take drugs, I would like to learn to release this heartache but am not sure where to begin.

I'd like to think time would be the release but I don't think so, what would people recommend?

Lorraine

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I would like to say that I am very sorry to hear about your loss. My father died of liver cancer about 2 months ago and I was also extremely close to him like you were to your father. I guess you could say my dad committed sucide. See he was an alcoholic and new he was sick for a while but he continued to drink and it was the reason for his death. As I like to say he was 52 years young.

Anyway, much like you I did not want to do talk to anyone because I did not want to be medicated. I soon found out that a psychologist is the only one that can medicate you. A counselor will not and can not prescribe medication to you. That would be my suggestion, to go see a counselor and share your feeling with him or her. I have meet with a counselor twice now and so far its okay. I am also a person that does not like to count on others to solve my problems I like to do it on my own. But sometimes you relieze that, that just is not possible.

I hope this helps.

Dayna

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It does help. I also spoke with my husband yesterday who had also been researching ways to lessen my anxiety and reprogram ourselves post trauma. I had told him about this website and how so many people were suffering from some loss and last night it helped me not feel so adequate or attempt to try and control how I should be feeling. I also researched last night affordable programs to reduce the learned anxiety through reprogramming and ordered some books and CDs, the CD's objective is simple statements and words that you play everyday for a long as it takes to start to develop inner trust again. Ironically, I am not sure if I am grieving anymore as my parents (like your dad) made their choice on how they lived and subsequently how they died. I feel something else, like I have lost my life purpose, like I have been on a determined, purposeful, lifepath and suddenly I have amnesia. I don't know why I am there anymore. This redefining of self post loss is a new ballgame and its seems no matter how many loving people are around you, is a terribly lonely one without your parents. My biggest saving grace (compared to some of the postings I have read) is that I sense my mum every day and I know that no matter how she chose to die, that she would not want me to feel heartache or lost. I'm not sure what you feel about your dad as it is just two months ago since he died, but I do feel that some parents feel they can serve you better elsewhere and I do feel that about my mum. Thanks for your response though and telling me about your dad, I had not thought about the different ways that people choose to go, and how it can leave you probably with very similar feelings i.e. was I not a good enough child for you to want to stay, should I have listened more, why did I not call everyday. I loved my mum probably more than anyone, she was my best friend and despite living all over the world in the last 18 years, I called her 2 x week and spent as much time with her as possible. I am slowly learning even if you do your best, you cannot stop someone from doing want they want to do, nor is your responsibility. This was often in my mind after my mum died, I felt like I had failed her, that I had made her feel loved enough to want to stay etc. This has lessened, but the feeling is still there. MY husband also heard a radio broadcast about the difficultyl of loosing a parent and that it takes on a further level of difficulty if the parent was abusive in some way i.e. alcohol, drugs etc. Give yourself time, I would never want to be back at the 2 month marker, it took a long time to come out of the fog and start seeing some way forward. I have four children so feeling low was often not an option, as much as I longed to hide under the covers and just sleep for many days :rolleyes: I promise you it does get easier, and the phase I am in now, is discovery which if dealt with rightly is a necessary and good growth phase

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Guest Guest_Jen_*

Sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. I lost my mother less than a month ago, she was 56, causes unknown, and I lost my father 5 years ago, of a heart attack. I can't believe this. I'm still in shock. After my father died, my mother became really depressed. I wanted to stay home with her, but she convinced me to finish college. Those two years after my father's passing were difficult. But we managed to make it through. It seemed like everything was going good. But I guess my mother didn't feel the same. After my father passed, I got so nervous and made sure our family got regular checkups. My father had high blood pressure since he was 26 yrs old so I wanted to make sure my mom was ok. We found out she had high blood pressure and we got her meds for it. I use to check up on her and made sure she took her meds. Maybe a year and a half ago, I asked her if she had taken her meds. She said no and laughed. I found out she hadn't taken them in 1 year ! I got so angry. But she just laughed and said it doesn't mean anything. I couldn't make her and she didn't want to go to the hospital anymore. But she was ok and nothing was wrong with her. I don't know. And now she's gone. Did she slowly commit suicide? It took me years to get over the situation with my dad. He was feelign horrible one day and wouldn't go to the doctors. I kept telling him to, and he just yelled at me to leave him alone. Finally he couldn't move and was blacking out, so I had to take him to the hospital. By then it was too late, his sugar level was too high and the next day he died of a heart attack. Not even the hospital could save him. I keep going through it over and over again in my head, that if she had taken them, she would be ok right now. But how could I have made her? Did she miss my father so much, she wanted to leave. Why did she all of a sudden stop taking all her meds?! Why do parents roles in life change?! She was my mother she was suppose to take care of me. And now I had to take care of her and she wouldn't even listen. I'm so sad. I contemplate this over and over again in my head. So I know what you mean. The drinker's drink, the smoker's smoke. So sad, but in the long run, what difference does it make? No one deserves to die. I can't believe she's gone. :( I feel I have nothing to live for anymore.

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Jen, a month is still such a short time after loosing a parent to have any real connection to your feelings. I am sure someone has written about it but everything becomes a blur of heartache and pain and just surviving. I thought often of the scene from "Sleepless in Seattle" where the radio broadcaster asks Tom Hanks how his life is after the death of his wife. He talks about how each day, he wakes and he remembers to take the first breath and the second and so on. Each day becomes easier and his day becomes slowly more normal again. I know our lives are not about the movies, but it comes close to describing grief. I also reflected a lot on a friend who lost her husband after being married to him for 50 years. She in her wisdom said, "life will not be the same without him, but it will not be better or worse, only different". She was 75 years old and her words still stay with me. You said you have nothing to live for, but I promise you it will come again. Your purpose right now should be getting through the day and taking care of yourself and getting comfort from your friends. Although no one will understand how you feel, they will help you get through the tough times.

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