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My Mom died suddenly and unexpectedly on Nov. 30, 2005. I have found that my sadness had been a bit less frequent the past few weeks but within this last week my grief seems worse. I think it's because my birthday is coming up. It's bothering me. It's not the number it's because my Mom, who was ALWAYS the 1st person to call and wish me a happy birthday will not be making that call this year. Maybe this is part of the realization that she is not coming back.

I guess this is part of the emotional roller coaster ride of grief. I still have my Dad, and we are close, but he is not my Mom. I have my husband of 11 years and I know he loved my Mom and misses her but he grieves so differently than myself. He lost his Grandfather, someone he was very close to, in August and I know he was sad over that loss but I sometimes feel my profound sadness at times is uncomfortable for him and I should get over it. My 2 daughters miss their Grandma but they are relatively young 7 and 9. I cry a lot alone, and these past few days that has been a lot. I had thought I had been doing pretty well and the only thing that I can find a reason for my new tears is my upcoming birthday. Does that make sense? I know it sounds selfish but I guess I am still mad that my Mom is gone.

Oh, how I miss her. I have been keeping a journal on my computer. I don't write every day but I find I write most when I am feeling the most grief and loss of her. Needless to say, this past week has quite a few entries. My Mom was the most influental person in my life. Our Moms are our first caregivers, our first soft place to fall, our first loves. They connect all the pieces of the family and make us a home. I miss that feeling with the loss of my Mom. I just miss her and I am having a hard time right now.

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