SadLynn

Dear Anne, Mary and KayC, Thank you all for your response. I am sitting here crying which I seem to do more than at the beginning. I am glad to know that I am okay and that it really is the grief and me just not being lazy as some say. Thank you for your continued thoughts and understanding. I will work on reading more about grief. Donna

Hey All, I have been reading the new posts but have not been in a mood to post much of anything. It has now been 6 months since I lost my Ben and I really think it is harder now than at the beginning. The last two weeks I have just been so tired and sad. I know that this is a roller coaster ride but I really hate the ride. Can't seem to get myself going. I get up everyday and do all the things I am suppose to do, but can't find the joy in any of it. I am mad at myself for this and even though I know that I am grieving I can't seem to give myself a break. Just so tired of being tired and sad. Seems like I should be able to move forward but I am not. Would love some advice. Am I expecting to much of myself to early! Donna (sadlynn)

Dear Ellen, There was nothing wrong with your post. It tells what I believe we have all felt and still feel. I lost my husband almost 6 months ago. When you told about your husband, I felt you were telling my story also. I too am lonely and it is hard. My oldest daughter and granddaughter live with me and that is wonderful, but they do not fill the void left by my husband. My friends have gone on with their lives and that is hard, but that is what happens. I try to remember always that I am not alone as God is with me always, but it is still hard. Please continue to express your thoughts on this forum as it helps you and it also helps us. This forums helps me to know that I am not the only person in the world that is going on this journey and that gives me comfort. Donna (sadlynn)

Donnacas, I am not sure that it ever stops. I feel the same way and it is exhausting but I have continued to get up everyday and forced myself to live through the new day. I don't like it or want it but I do it. There or days when I know that I can do it, but there or days when I just feel that I might explode. I constantly have to remind myself that I don't have a choice and I try to remember that my husband loved me and would want me to continue my journey. It is really hard when every time I look around I think of him. I know that the busier I keep myself the better. Feeling you pain and praying for you. Donna (sadlynn)

Donnacas, What you are saying is what I felt and said 2 months ago. I was extremely angry with God and for about 2 weeks I stopped talking to him. I know you are not turning away but just being silent. I do know that God understands and will continue to talk to you anyway. He has spoken to me in so many ways that were hard for me to ignore that I finally started talking again. Mondays are always difficult for me and make me very sad and lonely. But today is Tuesday and I start anew and make myself smile. It is hard but I also know that if God was not holding me up I would not still be here. I feel your pain as my own, but I know that you will stop being mad at God. God loves you as he loves me. He loved my husband so much that he took him home and that was my husbands biggest desire. Just like you, I know that he is in heaven with his Lord and that one day I will meet him there, but it does not change the fact that they are not here with us. We just have to learn to accept it which is a very long and painful process and God understands that and is there with you the whole way. I know it is so easy to say these words, but know that I am very aware of how hard it is for both of us. Just remember that I am here for you to talk to along with everyone else. I know that talking about our loss is the most important thing you can do to be able to keep sane and moving forward one inch at a time. I pray for you to have some moments of peace. Your sister in Christ. Donna (Sadlynn)

Donnacas, I understand what you are asking and I am going to answer you with my journey. My husband has now been gone, 5 months and 7 days. The first 2 months were okay because I had to function to take care of all the financial obligations. I was grieving but I did not let myself feel to much and just forced my way thru each and every day. I found a counselor at the beginning of my 3rd month and I am glad because the 3rd month was the worst for me so far. I got really down and I had to face that my husband was not coming back and that this was my new life. Did not like it at all and the feelings of hopelessness began to overwhelm me. I fought my way through this month and into my 4th month and finally had to understand that I had to replace hopeless with hopeful. I have had to learn to replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts. As I went from the 4th month into the 5th month, I have learned to keep myself busy and to look for something hopeful everyday. This does not mean that I am not grieving anymore, just that I know that I have a life to live and that my husband loved me and I made a promise to him that I would be okay and live my life. That is what I am doing. I take each minute, hour, day, week and work my way thru them. That is what you can and will do. When you don't feel like getting up, that is when you need to get up the most. Do not let yourself give into the darkness around you. It is okay to rest, reflect, journal, cry and to just feel, but when it is easier to stay in bed than get up that is when you need to get up, get dressed and move. You say you get up to let the dogs out, then go out with the dogs and look around. Look at the sky, admire the trees and flowers, listen to the birds sing, take the dogs for a walk and look around at the world. Admire Gods creation and smile and be grateful. I know this sounds easy and its not, but if you start to do this you will start to slowly feel better. No the grief does not just stop, but you can live with it and that is what you will do. I still wish that I could just back up time and that my husband was not dead and would just walk through the door, but that is not going to happen and I can't allow myself to dwell on what ifs. I have to live in the moment, which is now and each day figure out how to find recognize the good around me and not dwell on the negative. God loves you and so do all of us who know how you feel. We hurt when you hurt, but I also want to smile when you are able to smile again and I know that you will be able to do that. Donna (Sadlynn)

Donnacas, I said the exact same thing to my counselor as you said. I wanted to make sure that they new that I was not suicidal but that I had thought a lot about my death. It is definitely part of the grief journey. I had to make a decision about my life and it was easier to dream about my dying than about my living. I felt that it would be so much easier to die and go and be with my husband then to live here without him. I knew that as much as I wanted to have a choice that I did not. I was left here to continue living my life and to continue to love my family and be strong in my faith. I also knew that my husband would not want me to die and that he told me many times to live and to learn to love again. I am a work in progress but I know longer think about or dream about dying and I know that you have the strength to continue moving forward in your grief. I describe grief to my family as being a addict. I think it is a lot like being addicted to drugs or alcohol. Death makes you go cold turkey. I will always want my drug of choice, my husband, but I have to learn to live without him. I will always be addicted to him, but I will have to fight each and every day to overcome the longing, craving, desire, etc. for him. Sometime it is overwhelming and I think that I can't make it a second longer, but I take a deep breath, say a prayer and get through the moment and somehow the overwhelming moments get further apart. You are stronger than you feel and you will moment by moment cry, crawl, walk and run your way through this grief. Your sister in grief. Donna (Sadlynn)

Kay, thank you for sharing about your mom. I am sorry for your pain, but I am happy for your mom that she has left this world and will be starting hew new life with all of our loved ones that have gone before us. I pray that you will have continued peace and comfort. Donna

Dear Donnacas, Every feeling you have expressed is one that I fully understand. It has been almost 5 months since I started this journey alone without my husband. My counselor told me to focus on doing 5 things everyday and only 5 things. That list of 5 included getting out of bed everyday and getting dressed, brushing my teeth and eating. Once I could do those 5 things everyday without thinking about it then I could add something new to the list. You are already making a list and that is good. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't finish the list everyday, but be glad you are up and trying. You will find the ability to focus more clearly as the time goes by, but you need to realize that you are doing better than you think. I don't know if you believe in God but if you do, please ask him to help you everyday by giving you a clear mind and peace to live that day, moment by moment and he will and I will also be praying for you. As for retaining what is being taught in class, you may have to try and record what is being said in class so you can listen to it later and it is okay to ask for help from fellow classmates and your instructors. You will make it through this time and it will get easier. God Bless you, Donna

Dear Donnacas, It pains me to read your post as I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband, Ben, a little over 4 months ago. It has been extremely hard! I only have two friends that continue to keep in touch with me and all the others have moved on. I was mad about this and I still have times when it upsets me, but through counseling I have accepted that most people can't handle the grief so they avoid it. I am working on letting go of my anger at them and accept that this is also part of my journey. This is a hard journey to travel, but you are not alone. You have your children and you have the people of this forum to talk to. Please continue to use this forum as a way of expressing your feelings as it is harmful to keep it all inside. The thing about early grief is that it can and will make you have a horrible sense of fear and of being hopeless, but you can by talking and writing start to reverse this hopeless feeling and start to feel hopeful. I will tell you that I am doing okay and I know that you will be okay too. It is not a journey any of us would have chosen but it is the path that we now have to walk. You will have many hard days and nights, but you will in time start to see some little things that will make you want to smile. They are fleeting but they are there. You will have to want to look for them, but if you do you will see things and here things that will make you hopeful again. There are times that it just gets overwhelming, but now when it gets that way, I just stop and take a deep breath and pray for peace in my heart and mind and it helps me to calm down and slowly get my mind clear and then I am able to move forward. I want you to know that you are loved by us all and please continue to talk to us about anything. Your new friend Sadlynn (real name Donna)

Wanted to check in and see how all are doing. My youngest daughter got married yesterday and even though it was at the park behind our courthouse it was beautiful and sweet. My five year old granddaughter started school today and all went well and she did extremely well. So glad but, it was hard to watch her get on the school bus and I prayed all day that she would love it. I met her school bus this afternoon and she was happy and said she had fun. Met with my counselor today and he told me that he would not make any more scheduled appointments since I was doing well and just call him if I thought I needed to meet with him. I was okay with that. He asked me how I had changed my attitude so swiftly. I explained that I was through with being hopeless and had decided that I would be hopeful instead. I had just decided that I was going to view things in a hopeful way even if they made me sad. It has been 4 months since my beloved Ben has been gone and even though I would love to have him here with me, I know that is impossible. I am thankful everyday for what I had, have and will have in the future. I know that I will have times of sorrow but I am not going to let it stop me from living. I am learning to live everyday and be joyful for that day. Have a blessed and joyful day. Sadlynn (Donna)

Hello Everyone, Been a while since I have been here. Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am doing much better. Finally got my appetite back and actually wanting to eat has made me not only feel better but has given me more energy. I have been keeping busy working on my house with painting and just freshening things up. Have been getting my 5 year old granddaughter ready to start kindergarten next week and just really being a part of life again. My youngest daughter is getting married next week and they are going to the courthouse and getting married by the onsite minister. She made a really good case for this and I agreed with her logic. This is what is going to make her happy and she is feeling so much better without having to deal with a wedding. I am invited to the courthouse to witness and I am really happy for her. Love her and my future son-in-law. I have graduated from seeing my counselor every week to every two weeks. I really thank everyone hear for getting me thru the last 2 months of darkness. I know that I will still have many days of grief but I believe that I can see light again and have a much better perspective on the days to come. I have started to find my mental strength and can see hope for a future. I will always miss my beloved Ben, but I know that I have the courage to live without him until I meet him again in heaven. Pray that all who are on this site have a peaceful and loving day. Sadlynn (Donna)

Enna, Read this and printed this article out. Thank you, Sadlynn

Went to see my counselor yesterday afternoon and came back home feeling a lot better. Then my youngest daughter called and said she was coming over to talk to me. She got engaged in May and her wedding was set for next May 2015. We had already booked the venue and purchased her wedding dress. It was very hard to do this so soon after my husband, her father had just died but did it anyway and was glad that I had almost a year to prepare. She came in and said that they had decided to move the wedding date up to August 23, 2014, just 5 weeks away. My first reaction was just panic. It instantly made me sick to my stomach. I know she is having a hard time. She told me that she really does not want to have a wedding at all but just want to go to the courthouse and get married. She does not want to have a wedding because her father will not be there and she said it would not be a happy event for her, just make her sad. I have always told her that the wedding does not matter, but the marriage was the most important think. Her dad and I did not have a wedding but got married by a judge and she told me that our marriage lasted 31 years and would have lasted longer if her dad had not died. I know this is about grief and I really don't know what to tell her but that I love her and would support her decision. I am now grieving this turmoil and it scares me. I know that her and her fiancee love each other but I am concerned with her decision. I told her that I could not plan a smaller wedding in 5 weeks as I was not in a good mental place to accomplish that. I just want to scream!!! She told me that she knew that and would do it herself. I feel like the walls are crashing down all around me and I can't stop them. If you all believe in prayer, please pray for me and my family. Sadlynn

I have a mental block about drinking ensure or any type of drink like that. That is the only thing my husband could keep down in the last month of this life and I can't stand to see them as it has way to many memories attached to it that or not happy memories. I know that it will get better over time and I am just going to trust that it will. Sadlynn