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I Don't Believe This

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About I Don't Believe This

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
  1. Here I am again

    I have spoken with a lot of people in the last few days... I did not come back because of her, rather it was my own response to the news. She is a different person and she is kind at heart, strong willed, and I do not think that she will be a second person in my life to withdraw in grief like so many others in this forum. My response to it was shocking to me. I am well past the relationship I lost. I am not at all pining for the lost love, nor do I have any interest in reconnecting with whom I lost. I last heard from her 13 months ago and have not spoken to her since. I have dated a few people and moved on. But there was definitely a deep scar left behind and when I heard the news the feeling of hopelessness ripped through me. She arrives at home this evening to be with her family. I expect her to go silent for a few days. I am prepared for the silence it won't be bad. She has been texting me between flights and letting me know she is safe. I will send flowers to the Funeral Home tomorrow.
  2. Here I am again

    I had a long visit with my sister, who wisely reminded me of what you have both said above. This new lady in my life is not the same as the other and will be different. She did reach out to me. I sent her some flowers (condolences flowers, not flowers loaded with an I Love you card) and we will likely talk some more later tonight. She is a strong lady. Lawyer working in a place with one of the highest per capita rates of violent crime in the US prosecuting felony assaults. She is in the middle of a tough trial and hasn't even had a chance to process anything yet. I am just going to have to wait and see, but it definitely triggered my loss from last year....
  3. Here I am again

    So here I am, almost exactly one year after closure from the last time I was here. I have moved on, I have not seen, or talked to the girlfriend I wrote about here before in 13 months. I have a new person in my life I care for. And today. Her grandmother died. Now all I can feel is the rush of hopelessness and helplessness I felt for the majority of 2016. The pain is overwhelming. It has only been a couple hours. My new lady has not given me any indication that she would withdraw but I cannot seem to escape the fear that history will repeat itself. I have sent a reply simply asking her to tell me what she needs and I await a response.
  4. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    I came here for one final update. I deleted all contact info yesterday. I deleted all photos. I deleted all emails and text messages. I had given it a month to see if I was going to be possible attempt to salvage any sort of friendship. It is not going to happen.
  5. Mom passed, wanting to end relationship

    I am feel compelled to answer this and I will preface my response by saying I am the recent dumpee of someone who lost family. I am a bit bitter, and will probably receive some negative feedback for this response but it has to be said and hopefully someone in my position. My thoughts may not agree with what is said up above. First off. I am truly sorry for your loss. It is tragic and traumatic. Also - I fully agree with all posters above that you have every right to feel what you feel and to you have every right to grieve and heal in what ever manner you need. I am going to pick a few lines from your post out of context First thing separate your relationship from your grief. Your grief is understandable. It is a powerful traumatic emotional event. But your relationship is done and it was done before the loss you just didn't know it at the time.. Both you and your boyfriend have done something wrong. I am also guilty of the same thing. You have held onto a relationship that isn't a real supportive relationship. Think back to before your loss. You admit that the relationship is not meeting your needs now, but did it ever truly meet your needs before or were you just in the relationship because it was comfortable, familiar and you didn't want to end? After having lived through this myself, and after having read all the stories on here my conclusion is no mater what people are telling themselves about how strong their relationship is or might have been it was an illusion and lies to themselves. I lied to myself. So you are both wrong in continuing this and only dragging it out and hurting yourselves more. But when you end the relationship don't blame it on the grief. Your grief and loss is not the reason you are suddenly feeling this way. Your grief is only revealing to you fundamental weaknesses that existed in the relationship to begin with. If your relationship was truly supportive, strong and meeting your needs you would be able to lean on the relationship for strength. Another comment This is both true and not true at the same time. The core of who you are is the same. But a loss will create a new scar. That new scar needs to be assimilated and added to who you are. Within any long lasting relationship that lasts a very long while changes like this are inevitable. If you are feeling this, and your relationship cannot survive the change, then it is another indicator, that regardless of what you told yourself or believed about your relationship, It was not going to survive a loss. When you have the conversation to end the relationship focus on the relationship not the grief. Make sure that your future ex to be understands that it is not because you lost your mother but because the relationship does not meet your needs. It will hurt. It will suck. But in the long run you are both better off for it. For anyone who has found this because they are in the position of Dumpee take a step back and look and look real hard at this view point from the other side.
  6. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    Thank you for the comments. Quite frankly I am already over it. I have a switch in my brain that once a certain point is passed that I can shut off the feelings. What I learned yesterday is that behaviors I was attributing to stress and grief were actually controlling and emotionally abusive. In addition it played well against my own abandonment anxieties I mentioned in the very beginning of this conversation. It became clear yesterday that there was no appreciation for anything I have done to try and help and support. Her behavior was completely self-centered and selfish without any consideration for the impact to me. And her actions yesterday let me know that rather than being brought down by grief - which is what I thought - the struggles she is facing have revealed the true person behind what she pretended to be before the death's in her family. I am happy and have moved on already. She may regret it someday, but I am the one with the control over second chances now. I would have to decide to give her another chance and I already know that I won't.
  7. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    In some ways it was better than expected in others it was worse. I don't want to go into details but she has made it very easy to move on. It is over and I feel nothing and I can go on without wasting my time trying to help and support someone who doesn't appreciate it.
  8. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    I have a painful meeting with the ex-girlfriend today. I was feeling down and frustrated and made a demand that she meet and give me the courtesy of a face to face ending - closure. It isn't going to be pretty. I also demanded that she pay me back money she owes me. I am actually asking for far less than what she should return but she is the one who wants things to be over. I just want a clean slate so I don't have to think about her anymore. I don't want the door to close forever, but I don't think she feels the same way. I don't even know if she is actually going to show up. We agreed to meet today - last Thursday. I went dark and didn't contact her again until this morning when I texted for confirmation of time and place. I have not heard a reply. I will probably post the outcome of the discussion later. If she shows up.
  9. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    *Update* I have been living out of a backpack and suitcase for almost six months now. Even when I was at "Home" it is technically my ex-wife's home where my kids live. I just own the house. I was in and out of there for a couple weeks on business and I need to not be there when my ex-wife's mom moves in with her for the winter. So I am on my way back to Montana. I have other friends up there in the science community who arranged a nice little house where I can bring my dogs and I can spend the winter snowed in focusing on work. My sons will come visit for the holidays. I leave Thursday night with a truckload of stuff. I am not re-engaging in a relationship with the girlfriend. Though she/we still periodically text. About once per week. I will be in the same general geographic area but making it a point to avoid her. Mostly for her. She knows I will be there. I announced it out of courtesy for her. I didn't want to accidentally bump into her in a grocery store or something and have it turn weird.
  10. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    We have a house guest. My sons found a stray kitten. Based on its size it is between three and six months old. We brought it into our house while we try and identify the owners. We can't leave it outside because where we live packs of coyotes hunt for cats. Like all kittens it runs and plays. My cat is three but has had some fun playing with it. My kids were being nostalgic for bugs bunny and abominable snowman and we have started calling the kitten George.... As in - My very own kitty cat - I shall name him George and I will love him and squeeze him and hold him and feed him. Picture of George taken for our found kitten poster
  11. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    This is Rosie. She has a terrible bit wound across her back but she is doing very well. She has surgery today to remove the shunts . There are several punctures in her skin left open to facilitate drainage. The skin under the entire shaved area was pulled up from the subcutaneous layer. The incision to repair muscle damage and clean out the wound pocket is about six inches long. She has the staples removed in 10 days. The flowers and cake I sent were received and appreciated. I really don't know the status of anything that is going on relative to her health and her son. I do know he recognizes when she needs assistance and helps her. He sleeps with her every night so that if she goes into an overnight seizure he can wake up and bring her sugar. I just feel that it should be an adult responsible for tending to her - regardless of who that adult is - rather than her six year old son.
  12. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    Today is her birthday. I sent her flowers and a birthday cake - her favorite cake from her favorite bakery. We are not entirely no contact but contact is down to one or two texts every 2 or 3 days. But there are two exceptions. Last Thursday she called unexpectedly. Her job sent her on a long drive and while she was returning home in the evening she reached out to me. We spoke for about an hour. She revealed that her medications are really messing her up. Prozac, Valium and one other, she has developed so much apathy that even as her blood drops towards dangerously low levels (40 and lower) she is reluctant to get up off the couch and get some juice. I have determined that I can no longer ascertain where she begins and her medication ends. I am worried for her and I know she needs someone to be there if only to watch for trouble but she refuses assistance even from family. It leaves her six year old son with the responsibility to recognize when she is danger and help her. Our second exception was on my end. One of my dogs was attacked and injured a couple nights ago. I spent most of Monday night and all day Tuesday getting her some surgery. She will live but has a lot of recovery. My girlfriend and I texted and spoke over the phone about the dog.
  13. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    Its over. I have moved my flight schedules around to get back to Arizona first thing tomorrow morning. Cost me a lot of money but I just need to hug my dog. I am not going to fight it any more. The end was this - she wanted me to be just her friend. So I said, "I have to tell you the truth. It is not meant to be an ultimatum its just reality. I cannot be just your friend. It hurts too much. I have been in pain for months and I cannot keep it up." She accused me of trying to emotionally blackmail her and we are done. Of course every time she has start with the "I have to you the truth and it is not something you want to hear" I don't get the same defense in return. I won't be back here for a while.
  14. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    It has been a bad week. Yesterday we had a very tear filled conversation. She is pushing me away hard. She feels guilty that she is holding me back. That she is dragging me down with her and I am not out having fun. She feels like I should be doing what I want to do and forgetting about her and that she has nothing but apathy for everything in life right now. Even her son. She wants to break up. I have countered with I am ok with taking a break and being no-contact until October when she gets out of the inpatient program and then reevaluating.
  15. I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

    I have a rocky mountain oyster story... We were driving through the Texas panhandle - Amarillo to be precise - and there is a famous steakhouse there. We stopped and I bought a big plate of rocky mountain oysters. My kids were 12 and 13 at the time. The plate was placed in front of us and I told them exactly what they were. I have never tricked my kids into eating something, I always told them what it was they were eating. Each of them took one, took a first bite to decide, and then finished the entire order.