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LostInGrief

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About LostInGrief

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Florida

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Child
  • Date of Death
    Oct 2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. Sorry For Your Loss

    I sympathize deeply with the holidays and special days. They are so tough, they really test your strength. Sending love and support your way to help you get through the coming days. ❤ It sounds like it was very difficult to deal with. People who live in self-absorbed bubbles will always find a way to brush other's off when it is not about them.. They are not the kinds of people worth your time anyways and they made their true colors apparent when they did that. I hope that you are doing better at your new job and that you have more emphatic people that you work with.
  2. Sorry For Your Loss

    Thank you all for the responses! Sorry I have not been on! This is almost to a T how I was feeling about it. I think what made it bother me SO much was I heard people and saw people basically rubbing salt in the wound over it to my father.. They would say the exact same kind of things and I could see the devastation in his eyes when they would say that to him. Mostly I think what bothered me was it was an empty sentiment to make them feel like they did something. They would usually follow it with "if you ever need to talk.." And then when my dad would take them up on it they had 0 follow through with it.. Marty, so true! It has become one of those automatic "manners" kind of thing, and I think that is a factor that makes it appear insincere even if they mean it! Good read, I would definitely punch anyone who said that to me in the eyeball! Janka, hugs! You have all of us to support you It's hard when other people assume how you're feeling on it.. I think it's a balance of just the right amount.. Too much exhausts you, too little exhausts you to have to deal with it alone. I hope you find more people in your life willing to support you and talk about it. Tony, absolutely how I was feeling! I couldn't figure out why all of a sudden 100 plus people were talking about it.. I guess in my rehoming my dog post I mentioned my mom's passing.. It was technically her dog so I did mention it.. Oh well. She has a wonderful home now, I got pretty thick-skinned to the comments. But they have stopped and that whole situation is resolved. I get updates on the dog, I'm allowed to visit her anytime, and most importantly she is happy and adored!! Which brings me so much relief and joy. She might even become someone's service animal and if not she will be a spoiled, loved companion.
  3. Worse days are coming..

    Thank you! Very informative I relayed all those to him. He was going to try for food stamps anyways but I'm not entirely sure either. It kinda went over my head when he explained it. I know our state has ridiculous insultingly low unemployment.. Less than min wage and he was making about double min wage and a half. I tend to not be very good with money unless it is cash. I am much better at saving bills than I am with a piece of plastic. I can set a limit with myself before I go out, I can't hand the cashier an IOU. However I have been much better with that lately, and to my fiancee's relief I tend to shop at the dollar tree so even if I grab a lot of items, it doesn't cost us very much. Once I find the dog a good home, because it has been taking all of my available energy I will be applying for jobs again to help out how I can. I had slacked off with that too because of mental health and I got distracted keeping everything together. Chores and keeping an eye on everyone else, and all the pets was a job of it's own. Not to mention my own health, especially mental has been very fragile. The dog I'm currently finding a home for was constantly hopping the fence, heading for cars, and constantly becoming a huge mental burden as well.. I love her but crying my eyes out at 4 am because it's dark, and my back door is open and she's just gone is not healthy.. Wondering where she is, we live by a main road, running desperately around screaming her name.. Horror movies should be based off that feeling because it is a horrible awful feeling. It has been a draining year. But we have had some wins and that's what is important and we will get through it. We have backup plans atleast. We will not be out alone in the cold during the holidays, we are blessed with great family who would help us out and give us a place to crash.
  4. Sorry For Your Loss

    Thank you for the kind words, but please know it isn't me not accepting support. From my friends and family I do. It's from total strangers who are saying this to me. People I have NEVER met before who have never met me. And whom I never told and none of my friends or family told. I do still talk about her, all the time, even to strangers in person, but these are random people coming onto my private facebook account and saying it, when I have not told them, and by all accounts they shouldn't know. It must just be a weird association in my mind. Total strangers bringing it up really bothers me. I guess it is not an issue most people face. I still avoid lasagna like the plague because it was her last meal. I used to love lasagna and she even told me how much she loved it.. Now all I can think about was the detective's asking if that was the last thing she had ate and it being the vomit on her face. But I don't get upset or offended when someone offers me lasagna or asks if I like it. Maybe there is something I am not recalling like a stranger immediately saying it. I just don't understand who the heck these people are and WHY they are saying this to me. It isn't like it is only one person commenting. Every day it's like 5-10 people saying it. She doesn't have an obituary, my facebook name is not my real name, neither is my mom's, and these people live in different states, no mutual friends. I also get immensely bothered whenever someone posts pictures of dead animals or the moment of people's death's, even if it not gory, so maybe it Is just me associating people on Facebook doing these things with that. I would get rid of my facebook but there are some important people who I can only contact on there. My text messages tend not to go thru to my fiancee so messenger is easier. Maybe I will just make a private messanger only account that I will only give to the important people. My facebook was pretty private for awhile but I guess it is time to change it.
  5. Worse days are coming..

    She normally gets them done at petco but we got so wrapped up in everything. I don't think they were ingrown, just too long and maybe touching her paw pad in a way she didn't like. Once they were trimmed, she felt much better and was immediately super happy and ready to run again and no limping. She does unfortunately still need a new home. But I feel a lot better knowing she will be going to someone more stable and that she will ultimately be happier. Unfortunately we only have enough money for not even a month of our mortgage squirreled away. And unemployment is not enough for the mortage either.. None of us have obamacare anymore, when mom died they decided there was enough money for us. And unfortunately as well if we take money for food stamps it takes out the amount we can get for unemployment. (I think if I'm remembering that correctly. It takes out of something where it wouldn't be worth it). If we can't pay one month of the mortage we have 3 months before they will come take our house away. And SSI, and unemployment, plus the money we have stashed away is not enough for a month of the mortgage. But 3 months is a long time to look for a job, and with enough cutbacks here and there, it could be ok.. The hardest bit I think is that we live in a small town where they aren't looking for his skills. Even the local career centre tells him he is "over-qualified". We have some other towns about 45 minutes away, but our car is unreliable at best. We do have a back up plan, but it is out of state and hopefully it will not come to that. My dad finally has roots here now with a new girlfriend and they are doing wonderful. It would be a shame if he got ripped away from his second chance at love. But I think we have a strong enough support system that it will be ok. I think everything was just extra stressful with rehoming the dog, and the scare with her limping, the 1 year of my mom's death, holiday's, and all that.
  6. Sorry For Your Loss

    I don't really think it is the sentiment that bothers me, when they know me or I bring it up. It's mostly when strangers do it. Because it's just these random people talking about a loss so personal to me. I build myself up every single day and when someone I don't even know brings up my most painful memory it hits me hard. When they say that, I have flashbacks to finding my mom's body in a horrible way. I think that's enough to hit anyone hard. When someone says "I'm so sorry" it just comes off better to me. When they say for my loss, I have to think about what I lost again and I remember it all. When someone tells ne a story or talks with me about my mom, I smile and I talk about memories I have. It makes me feel more at peace. When I just have about 10 Facebook comments from absolute strangers saying that they are sorry for my loss, and they know none of my relatives it puts me off and makes me wonder at what point did my family's personal tragedy become something that isn't personal to us anymore? They never knew my mom, or me, or any of my family. You don't just go and hunt anyone down who has been through a traumatic experience and re-hash it up or be like pushy about it. And that's what it feels like these people are doing to me. It's probably just a personal preference to me and that every day I have so many strangers talking about what happened to me a year later. It's re-traumatizing to me. It would be like if they were constantly reminding me of my sexual assault or that I have mental issues. I'll just be having a nice day, you know minding my own business and of course I'm not over it, but that doesn't mean I want people constantly in my space about it. It feels invasive to me. Like they are prying or something, trying to bring it up because they want to know what happened. My friends and family are fine and more than free to say these types of things, or even if I bring it up, but these will just be random people who will bring it up. Maybe it is just that I have social anxiety and I don't like strangers but it puts me off, and tears down my day to day wall that I need to keep functioning. And I mean if the strangers really feel that entitled to say something to me about it, I'll keep you in my prayers, thoughts, I hope you're doing well, etc, are MUCH easier for me to handle. I guess it is just a personal preference but it's something that has been frustrating me and tearing me down lately. I know their intentions but I really don't want to re-remember what happened that day. I feel like I have lived it enough times, agonized over it for the past year. It is not a wound that will ever heal and I will always remember it, but I just wish that these strangers would move on past it. I'm not past it but I know my mom would not have been comfortable with strangers saying that to me, or this concerned over her passing. If they want to get to know me first and then my grief that is fine, but I'm a very personal person so it hits a nerve with me.
  7. Worse days are coming..

    Oh my gosh guys you aren't even going to believe all it fricking was. She needed a nail trim. My dog made me cry hysterical snotty tears because she needed a nail trim. I just saved myself with a whole lot of heartache with a dollar pair of doggy nail clippers from the dollar tree. Well I'm so thankful it wasn't something worse. I think when you're this stressed, things quickly snowball, and build up. I'm so relieved it wasn't something worse. When you get this much bad news it is hard not to jump to conclusions I think. I think I can live with the rest of all that stress knowing my dog isn't dying. I sure feel like a lunatic now.. But I'm so thankful that all she needed was some babying, a paw dip in water, and her nails done. I guess she got a pedicure for her birthday. This is probably the best news I've gotten in these dark times.
  8. Worse days are coming.. I was put in such a situation where I had to rehome my beloved dog.. Because of my finances I worried that something would happen to her and we wouldn't be able to afford it. That is enough to bring someone to tears alone.. Here's where it takes a turn for the worse.. My dad just lost his job. If he doesn't get a new one in 3 months we will lose the house. On top of this my worst fear is coming true.. My dog is now walking with a limp. She can't put any weight on it. It's her birthday today. This is literally bringing me to tears right now. If I give her to a rescue what if she needs a surgery and they don't have the resources for it and they have to put her down? I feel so guilty and hurt because the one year of my mom passed and it was rough but I was going to get through it. People reopened old wounds by apologizing to me when I was rehoming her. They were trying to be kind but all it did was remind me of what I had lost and what I went through. I was coping but it was still hard Now by Christmas/New Year's I might be homeless and my dog might be dead or alone and scared thinking we abandoned her. The agony of it is ripping my heart to shreds. I haven't cried this hard in months. I hope a kind rescue will be sympathetic and help me but I just. I just don't know. This stuff always happens at once and it's hard and magnifies my grief. It feels so hopeless and it's horrible knowing thst you can't take care of your pets. I just don't know what to do. I hope she finds a good home but it was hard enough when she was healthy. I attracted pretty much every nut and dog flipper that has made these past two weeks hell, of horrible meet and greets and suspicious behavior. People wasting my time about her. People asking nosy questions then disappearing. People on the DO NOT ADOPT list. It has been beyond stressful and each blow brings me back every bit of progess I have made over the year. Each day brings new challenges I'm not ready to deal with and each challenge, threatens the people and animals I care about most. It's just too difficult.. I don't know anymore. We were doing good and then suddenly we aren't anymore. The holidays were going to be stressful enough, but now this... It's a whole new low.
  9. Sorry For Your Loss

    I think one of the things that bothers me most about grieving is when people apologize for my loss. Not when I tell them, or they know me or I'm confiding in them like this fourm, but strangers will do it. The first time that it ever really got to me is when I was still working. It was very fresh, only a week or 2 since it had happened. Our job was a pretty tight knit community, like a family, they had watched me grow up, they knew me my whole life. A new person started working there. When she first introduced herself to me she apologized for my loss. That bothered me. So much. It still does to thia day. This total stranger to me just apologized about something so deeply personal while getting our introductions out of the way. It left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and made me feel worse because now I just had the impression that everyone was talking about me. Not just people I knew, but people I would never meet. It was hard enough to lose my mom, but now I have to be "dead-mom-girl" behind my back too..? I hated the way my grief and personal tragedy was being used like a conversation point, "Oh yes it's so sad, she lost her mum, and she found her body." "Oh really?? That's so tragic.." I still have strangers pretty much apologizing to me about it. It's been over a year. Granted it's come up again but it just hits a nerve with me. I can't tell every single person not to say that to me, and it would be a waste. It's easier if it's over facebook to just say thanks and move on. In person I don't even always say thank you. I save that for when I mean it. I said thank you about it in person for the first time recently. She was heartfelt about it, and it wasn't so sorry just for my loss, it was sorry for my suffering, it was sorry for the experience, it was "I'm so sorry." Normally when someone says "I'm sorry for your loss" I just say "yeah..me too.." I know people don't know what to say, and are just trying to be nice, but does this bother anyone else too? I feel like I'm being bitter over it and society expects me to just accept it like it is a compliment. And usually people will try and use it in a way when they are trying to sell me something, or get me to do something for them. It just seems such poor taste to me..
  10. How to help a grieving pet?

    Thank you so much! I am much more glad to have them. They mean everything to me <3
  11. How to help a grieving pet?

    Update : Shiloh has been resting all day in my room with soft music, a comfy spot, and a candle. She seems to be doing okay today, no nightmares yet. The candle and music has been relaxing me too. Might be calm owner, calm dog Fixed the part of the fence, and I believe the children were antagonizing her by calling her over, throwing sticks, etc, because I heard the little ones talk about that when I was fixing the fence. Gave both my dogs a one-on-one talk and brought out an article of mom's clothing. They didn't quite understand at first, but I think having some of her clothing out made Shiloh feel at ease. I let Shiloh sniff it and then put it around her like a security blanket, and did the same with the small one. After our talk I let them play outside. Hopefully, this will help Shiloh and after a nightmare I can wake her up and wrap her in it to make her feel safe. I think she will be okay. It will take love, time, patience and understanding, but we'll get there..
  12. How to help a grieving pet?

    She has always been very sensitive. It is strange she has always been very emotionally withdrawn and for a long time could not tolerate being petted on, or loved on. It took her well over a year to bond enough where she tolerated it, and even longer to warm up to where sometimes she will look for affectionate. It could be. I have only done it a few times, but I feared she was upset with the changing of dad's room, and that we had forgotten mom or were "moving on". So including her in that seemed to help that. But it might be too much for her. Or she might be reflecting my grief. I love on her, give her routine, spoil her, lots of treats and pets when she comes and sits next to me on the couch, outside time, get her things like freeze dried turkey necks and antlers (she will swallow bone pieces and gets very aggressive and possessive over her bone, so no bones), give her toys, and all her favorite things. I just wonder if there's more I can do to help her. No real cure for it, but I don't want her to have anymore nightmares. She doesn't seem as randomly anxious anymore. Maybe I am overthinking her nightmares, my dad doesn't see it much, but I have always been closer to Shiloh and I do know the feeling so I just kinda know. For the kids I might try and put a wooden board at the fence, so out of sight, out of mind. At the very least she won't be able to get so close to the kids, which might ease my mind and the people over there as well. For the most part she is still her stubborn self. She does sleep a lot, like before, and they aren't all nightmares, but it happens much more than before. Maybe I can play her some nice music and let her sleep in my bed while I work in here. MartyT, yes thank you very much! I was typing this reply before you posted, but very very helpful and informative. I might be able to give her an article of clothing to sleep with, and that might help her more so knowing we haven't forgotten and miss her very much. Rather than the grieving with her. Awesome suggestions and glad I'm not the only one trying to figure out how to help my fuzzy four legged friend. There are many articles on helping children, tweens and everything in between, but very few on how we should help our pets heal and process it all. Thank you, I am glad to know there is more I can do to help her.
  13. Overwhelmed

    Thank you, I will look at them
  14. I recently lost my mom 4 months ago. One of my dogs, Shiloh, a rescue hound mix has really been troubled because of this. She had seen her body the day of. In all our panic when I was on the phone with 911, she came in while she was on the ground during CPR. She had her tail wagging, and was interested in what was going on and looked at me. Playtime right now? She looked at my mom and instantly her whole body language and face expression changed. Her tail drooped, her eyes became sad and hurt. I've never seen her so heartbroken. It's an expression that has stayed with me. I gently led her out of the room and she followed me to the kennel. She understood the whole situation, from what I could tell. The paramedics, she did not bark or try to bother them when I took her out for a potty break. My other dog has no understanding really of what has been going on. She was depressed at first, not eating her favorite treats, eating but un-enthusiastically, not as excited to she her favorite people. She was always largely treat motivated. After about a week of that, that seemed to get better. At some point she started having nightmares. This is fairly frequent. After about a month or two after mom, my dad rearranged the bedroom. Suddenly in the middle of the night she would go and pee in there. We never had that issue before. She was pee pad trained at first, so we always have pee pads in the bathroom. She ALWAYS peed on the pee pads in the bathroom if she needed to go. If her favorite pee pad was used, she would go on the floor in the bathroom. Never on the carpets except maybe once or twice when she was much younger. She would normally wake one of us up if she needed to go desperately in the night. Instead she was peeing in the middle of the floor. My dad caught her, because we had multiple pets and wasn't sure which one had done it. We were almost positive it wasn't her though, because how good she was with the pee pads, and she loves using any excuse to go outside and get a treat. We had to use all kinds of stuff on the carpets, take her out in the middle of the night, keep my dad's door shut in the middle of the night, and re-do "umbilical cord training" and kenneling at night to reteach her. That all stopped her and haven't had that issue since. Other rooms in the house have been rearranged since and before and she did not respond that way so I'm sure it was the stress of losing mom. The nightmares are still happening. I wake her up when she has one and love on her because I can't stand to hear her cry and use her scared/fear whines. She had nightmares before but not as often. I feel like she's dreaming about mom or the day of. Mom was the one who adopted her with my dad, but she became primarily my dog because I trained her, took care of her daily needs, and she warmed up to me the most. Shiloh has always been an anxious dog, we had always thought maybe she had been abused or something similar like this happened to her. She's very stubborn and in some ways has become more loving, in others more stubborn. She seems to act out a lot more with barking at the children from the fence (the backyard neighbors have a daycare). One corner of the fence is wood. Just the standard chain link. The kids wander over if the care takers aren't paying attention (or even if they are), and she jumps on the fence and barks. She has a large scary bark, and is large enough she can stand on the fence (and hop it if she wants), but so far has never hopped that corner of the fence. I don't think she'll hurt the kids but it sure freaks them (and me) out. Shiloh misses her a lot, my mom didn't leave the house much so I think she got used to her always being here. Thankfully, there is almost always someone home still. I think she is struggling with it all and I don't know how else to help her? I grieve with her every now and then by having a picture of her and crying with it and talking to her. I think it helps, because when my family grieves around me it helps me. Or am I just stressing her out more by doing so? I feel like you would include a human or a child in the grieving and animals are very similar in most emotional aspects. Any tips to help her out from anyone who has had a grieving pet?
  15. Overwhelmed

    I don't mind going through it all. I had thought about moving about before I was even out of highschool because I had planned to move out with my fiancee upon graduation. So it wasn't uncommon for my friends and I to look at local housing for rent/for sale and plan out a budget. Then I couldn't find a job for years, and situations changed. Absolutely on the insurance. It's aggravating to say the least with how out of hand it has gotten. We have an unusual dependency on each other that just works. It's very symbiotic. I had figured out that for the most part I believe what is giving me the overwhelmed feeling is general stress. Most those things used to be things I used to like doing. But when I get over-stressed everything is suddenly a mountain. I'm trying to take the st john's wort more consistently, get more sleep and try not to stress. It seems like every little bit of stress is overstressing me. Everything from my boss wants me to do something stupid and difficult that isn't in my job description, to just thinking about all the things that I have to do. I've taken days off of work and have been trying to sleep more, but I'm still pretty exhausted. I can't wait until my days off this week because I still intend for my brother's birthday to go to see the monster trucks like I had planned with my mom. I spent a crazy amount of money on it but it was very important to me to do that "unfinished business" I had with my mom. The one bit of unfinished business I'll never be able to get that hurts my soul is one last hug. That night of late at night when I came inside after my phone call with my fiancee, I had the world's strongest urge to go hug her and tell her I loved her and that I hoped she felt better.. I thought at first that she might be asleep, but I heard her getting sick. I decided that she was probably tired and that I would just tell her in the morning. But I just couldn't shake that feeling and I ignored it. That's something that has consistently bothered me. Everything else I know I did all I could with CPR and calling 911, but the part that bugs me is I didn't get that final hug for me and she didn't get that final hug from me. I know she knows that she was loved, I know she died knowing that, but I wanted that for me to hold onto and just to ease myself, make myself feel like I made her focus on that love instead of the pain she was in. It was a rare urge to want to hug her because I used to hug her a lot but she had gotten so skinny it hurt to hug her and made me worry every time about how much weight she had lost. They are my babies. They care so deeply about me. Even my mouse has heard me crying and grieving and has squeaked over and over at me. I have read that mice and other animals can feel your pain and grief. My dogs protect me. One time I twisted my ankle and fell while running outside and both the dogs have ran over to me and made sure I was okay. They are so smart. I have thought about getting the essential oils and stuff. Maybe I will think about trying some again. Thank you, I will be sure to check out the site.
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