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Everything posted by LostInGrief

  1. I sympathize deeply with the holidays and special days. They are so tough, they really test your strength. Sending love and support your way to help you get through the coming days. ❤ It sounds like it was very difficult to deal with. People who live in self-absorbed bubbles will always find a way to brush other's off when it is not about them.. They are not the kinds of people worth your time anyways and they made their true colors apparent when they did that. I hope that you are doing better at your new job and that you have more emphatic people that you work with.
  2. Thank you all for the responses! Sorry I have not been on! This is almost to a T how I was feeling about it. I think what made it bother me SO much was I heard people and saw people basically rubbing salt in the wound over it to my father.. They would say the exact same kind of things and I could see the devastation in his eyes when they would say that to him. Mostly I think what bothered me was it was an empty sentiment to make them feel like they did something. They would usually follow it with "if you ever need to talk.." And then when my dad would take them up on it they had 0 follow through with it.. Marty, so true! It has become one of those automatic "manners" kind of thing, and I think that is a factor that makes it appear insincere even if they mean it! Good read, I would definitely punch anyone who said that to me in the eyeball! Janka, hugs! You have all of us to support you It's hard when other people assume how you're feeling on it.. I think it's a balance of just the right amount.. Too much exhausts you, too little exhausts you to have to deal with it alone. I hope you find more people in your life willing to support you and talk about it. Tony, absolutely how I was feeling! I couldn't figure out why all of a sudden 100 plus people were talking about it.. I guess in my rehoming my dog post I mentioned my mom's passing.. It was technically her dog so I did mention it.. Oh well. She has a wonderful home now, I got pretty thick-skinned to the comments. But they have stopped and that whole situation is resolved. I get updates on the dog, I'm allowed to visit her anytime, and most importantly she is happy and adored!! Which brings me so much relief and joy. She might even become someone's service animal and if not she will be a spoiled, loved companion.
  3. Thank you! Very informative I relayed all those to him. He was going to try for food stamps anyways but I'm not entirely sure either. It kinda went over my head when he explained it. I know our state has ridiculous insultingly low unemployment.. Less than min wage and he was making about double min wage and a half. I tend to not be very good with money unless it is cash. I am much better at saving bills than I am with a piece of plastic. I can set a limit with myself before I go out, I can't hand the cashier an IOU. However I have been much better with that lately, and to my fiancee's relief I tend to shop at the dollar tree so even if I grab a lot of items, it doesn't cost us very much. Once I find the dog a good home, because it has been taking all of my available energy I will be applying for jobs again to help out how I can. I had slacked off with that too because of mental health and I got distracted keeping everything together. Chores and keeping an eye on everyone else, and all the pets was a job of it's own. Not to mention my own health, especially mental has been very fragile. The dog I'm currently finding a home for was constantly hopping the fence, heading for cars, and constantly becoming a huge mental burden as well.. I love her but crying my eyes out at 4 am because it's dark, and my back door is open and she's just gone is not healthy.. Wondering where she is, we live by a main road, running desperately around screaming her name.. Horror movies should be based off that feeling because it is a horrible awful feeling. It has been a draining year. But we have had some wins and that's what is important and we will get through it. We have backup plans atleast. We will not be out alone in the cold during the holidays, we are blessed with great family who would help us out and give us a place to crash.
  4. Thank you for the kind words, but please know it isn't me not accepting support. From my friends and family I do. It's from total strangers who are saying this to me. People I have NEVER met before who have never met me. And whom I never told and none of my friends or family told. I do still talk about her, all the time, even to strangers in person, but these are random people coming onto my private facebook account and saying it, when I have not told them, and by all accounts they shouldn't know. It must just be a weird association in my mind. Total strangers bringing it up really bothers me. I guess it is not an issue most people face. I still avoid lasagna like the plague because it was her last meal. I used to love lasagna and she even told me how much she loved it.. Now all I can think about was the detective's asking if that was the last thing she had ate and it being the vomit on her face. But I don't get upset or offended when someone offers me lasagna or asks if I like it. Maybe there is something I am not recalling like a stranger immediately saying it. I just don't understand who the heck these people are and WHY they are saying this to me. It isn't like it is only one person commenting. Every day it's like 5-10 people saying it. She doesn't have an obituary, my facebook name is not my real name, neither is my mom's, and these people live in different states, no mutual friends. I also get immensely bothered whenever someone posts pictures of dead animals or the moment of people's death's, even if it not gory, so maybe it Is just me associating people on Facebook doing these things with that. I would get rid of my facebook but there are some important people who I can only contact on there. My text messages tend not to go thru to my fiancee so messenger is easier. Maybe I will just make a private messanger only account that I will only give to the important people. My facebook was pretty private for awhile but I guess it is time to change it.
  5. She normally gets them done at petco but we got so wrapped up in everything. I don't think they were ingrown, just too long and maybe touching her paw pad in a way she didn't like. Once they were trimmed, she felt much better and was immediately super happy and ready to run again and no limping. She does unfortunately still need a new home. But I feel a lot better knowing she will be going to someone more stable and that she will ultimately be happier. Unfortunately we only have enough money for not even a month of our mortgage squirreled away. And unemployment is not enough for the mortage either.. None of us have obamacare anymore, when mom died they decided there was enough money for us. And unfortunately as well if we take money for food stamps it takes out the amount we can get for unemployment. (I think if I'm remembering that correctly. It takes out of something where it wouldn't be worth it). If we can't pay one month of the mortage we have 3 months before they will come take our house away. And SSI, and unemployment, plus the money we have stashed away is not enough for a month of the mortgage. But 3 months is a long time to look for a job, and with enough cutbacks here and there, it could be ok.. The hardest bit I think is that we live in a small town where they aren't looking for his skills. Even the local career centre tells him he is "over-qualified". We have some other towns about 45 minutes away, but our car is unreliable at best. We do have a back up plan, but it is out of state and hopefully it will not come to that. My dad finally has roots here now with a new girlfriend and they are doing wonderful. It would be a shame if he got ripped away from his second chance at love. But I think we have a strong enough support system that it will be ok. I think everything was just extra stressful with rehoming the dog, and the scare with her limping, the 1 year of my mom's death, holiday's, and all that.
  6. I don't really think it is the sentiment that bothers me, when they know me or I bring it up. It's mostly when strangers do it. Because it's just these random people talking about a loss so personal to me. I build myself up every single day and when someone I don't even know brings up my most painful memory it hits me hard. When they say that, I have flashbacks to finding my mom's body in a horrible way. I think that's enough to hit anyone hard. When someone says "I'm so sorry" it just comes off better to me. When they say for my loss, I have to think about what I lost again and I remember it all. When someone tells ne a story or talks with me about my mom, I smile and I talk about memories I have. It makes me feel more at peace. When I just have about 10 Facebook comments from absolute strangers saying that they are sorry for my loss, and they know none of my relatives it puts me off and makes me wonder at what point did my family's personal tragedy become something that isn't personal to us anymore? They never knew my mom, or me, or any of my family. You don't just go and hunt anyone down who has been through a traumatic experience and re-hash it up or be like pushy about it. And that's what it feels like these people are doing to me. It's probably just a personal preference to me and that every day I have so many strangers talking about what happened to me a year later. It's re-traumatizing to me. It would be like if they were constantly reminding me of my sexual assault or that I have mental issues. I'll just be having a nice day, you know minding my own business and of course I'm not over it, but that doesn't mean I want people constantly in my space about it. It feels invasive to me. Like they are prying or something, trying to bring it up because they want to know what happened. My friends and family are fine and more than free to say these types of things, or even if I bring it up, but these will just be random people who will bring it up. Maybe it is just that I have social anxiety and I don't like strangers but it puts me off, and tears down my day to day wall that I need to keep functioning. And I mean if the strangers really feel that entitled to say something to me about it, I'll keep you in my prayers, thoughts, I hope you're doing well, etc, are MUCH easier for me to handle. I guess it is just a personal preference but it's something that has been frustrating me and tearing me down lately. I know their intentions but I really don't want to re-remember what happened that day. I feel like I have lived it enough times, agonized over it for the past year. It is not a wound that will ever heal and I will always remember it, but I just wish that these strangers would move on past it. I'm not past it but I know my mom would not have been comfortable with strangers saying that to me, or this concerned over her passing. If they want to get to know me first and then my grief that is fine, but I'm a very personal person so it hits a nerve with me.
  7. Oh my gosh guys you aren't even going to believe all it fricking was. She needed a nail trim. My dog made me cry hysterical snotty tears because she needed a nail trim. I just saved myself with a whole lot of heartache with a dollar pair of doggy nail clippers from the dollar tree. Well I'm so thankful it wasn't something worse. I think when you're this stressed, things quickly snowball, and build up. I'm so relieved it wasn't something worse. When you get this much bad news it is hard not to jump to conclusions I think. I think I can live with the rest of all that stress knowing my dog isn't dying. I sure feel like a lunatic now.. But I'm so thankful that all she needed was some babying, a paw dip in water, and her nails done. I guess she got a pedicure for her birthday. This is probably the best news I've gotten in these dark times.
  8. Worse days are coming.. I was put in such a situation where I had to rehome my beloved dog.. Because of my finances I worried that something would happen to her and we wouldn't be able to afford it. That is enough to bring someone to tears alone.. Here's where it takes a turn for the worse.. My dad just lost his job. If he doesn't get a new one in 3 months we will lose the house. On top of this my worst fear is coming true.. My dog is now walking with a limp. She can't put any weight on it. It's her birthday today. This is literally bringing me to tears right now. If I give her to a rescue what if she needs a surgery and they don't have the resources for it and they have to put her down? I feel so guilty and hurt because the one year of my mom passed and it was rough but I was going to get through it. People reopened old wounds by apologizing to me when I was rehoming her. They were trying to be kind but all it did was remind me of what I had lost and what I went through. I was coping but it was still hard Now by Christmas/New Year's I might be homeless and my dog might be dead or alone and scared thinking we abandoned her. The agony of it is ripping my heart to shreds. I haven't cried this hard in months. I hope a kind rescue will be sympathetic and help me but I just. I just don't know. This stuff always happens at once and it's hard and magnifies my grief. It feels so hopeless and it's horrible knowing thst you can't take care of your pets. I just don't know what to do. I hope she finds a good home but it was hard enough when she was healthy. I attracted pretty much every nut and dog flipper that has made these past two weeks hell, of horrible meet and greets and suspicious behavior. People wasting my time about her. People asking nosy questions then disappearing. People on the DO NOT ADOPT list. It has been beyond stressful and each blow brings me back every bit of progess I have made over the year. Each day brings new challenges I'm not ready to deal with and each challenge, threatens the people and animals I care about most. It's just too difficult.. I don't know anymore. We were doing good and then suddenly we aren't anymore. The holidays were going to be stressful enough, but now this... It's a whole new low.
  9. I think one of the things that bothers me most about grieving is when people apologize for my loss. Not when I tell them, or they know me or I'm confiding in them like this fourm, but strangers will do it. The first time that it ever really got to me is when I was still working. It was very fresh, only a week or 2 since it had happened. Our job was a pretty tight knit community, like a family, they had watched me grow up, they knew me my whole life. A new person started working there. When she first introduced herself to me she apologized for my loss. That bothered me. So much. It still does to thia day. This total stranger to me just apologized about something so deeply personal while getting our introductions out of the way. It left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and made me feel worse because now I just had the impression that everyone was talking about me. Not just people I knew, but people I would never meet. It was hard enough to lose my mom, but now I have to be "dead-mom-girl" behind my back too..? I hated the way my grief and personal tragedy was being used like a conversation point, "Oh yes it's so sad, she lost her mum, and she found her body." "Oh really?? That's so tragic.." I still have strangers pretty much apologizing to me about it. It's been over a year. Granted it's come up again but it just hits a nerve with me. I can't tell every single person not to say that to me, and it would be a waste. It's easier if it's over facebook to just say thanks and move on. In person I don't even always say thank you. I save that for when I mean it. I said thank you about it in person for the first time recently. She was heartfelt about it, and it wasn't so sorry just for my loss, it was sorry for my suffering, it was sorry for the experience, it was "I'm so sorry." Normally when someone says "I'm sorry for your loss" I just say "yeah..me too.." I know people don't know what to say, and are just trying to be nice, but does this bother anyone else too? I feel like I'm being bitter over it and society expects me to just accept it like it is a compliment. And usually people will try and use it in a way when they are trying to sell me something, or get me to do something for them. It just seems such poor taste to me..
  10. Thank you so much! I am much more glad to have them. They mean everything to me <3
  11. Update : Shiloh has been resting all day in my room with soft music, a comfy spot, and a candle. She seems to be doing okay today, no nightmares yet. The candle and music has been relaxing me too. Might be calm owner, calm dog Fixed the part of the fence, and I believe the children were antagonizing her by calling her over, throwing sticks, etc, because I heard the little ones talk about that when I was fixing the fence. Gave both my dogs a one-on-one talk and brought out an article of mom's clothing. They didn't quite understand at first, but I think having some of her clothing out made Shiloh feel at ease. I let Shiloh sniff it and then put it around her like a security blanket, and did the same with the small one. After our talk I let them play outside. Hopefully, this will help Shiloh and after a nightmare I can wake her up and wrap her in it to make her feel safe. I think she will be okay. It will take love, time, patience and understanding, but we'll get there..
  12. She has always been very sensitive. It is strange she has always been very emotionally withdrawn and for a long time could not tolerate being petted on, or loved on. It took her well over a year to bond enough where she tolerated it, and even longer to warm up to where sometimes she will look for affectionate. It could be. I have only done it a few times, but I feared she was upset with the changing of dad's room, and that we had forgotten mom or were "moving on". So including her in that seemed to help that. But it might be too much for her. Or she might be reflecting my grief. I love on her, give her routine, spoil her, lots of treats and pets when she comes and sits next to me on the couch, outside time, get her things like freeze dried turkey necks and antlers (she will swallow bone pieces and gets very aggressive and possessive over her bone, so no bones), give her toys, and all her favorite things. I just wonder if there's more I can do to help her. No real cure for it, but I don't want her to have anymore nightmares. She doesn't seem as randomly anxious anymore. Maybe I am overthinking her nightmares, my dad doesn't see it much, but I have always been closer to Shiloh and I do know the feeling so I just kinda know. For the kids I might try and put a wooden board at the fence, so out of sight, out of mind. At the very least she won't be able to get so close to the kids, which might ease my mind and the people over there as well. For the most part she is still her stubborn self. She does sleep a lot, like before, and they aren't all nightmares, but it happens much more than before. Maybe I can play her some nice music and let her sleep in my bed while I work in here. MartyT, yes thank you very much! I was typing this reply before you posted, but very very helpful and informative. I might be able to give her an article of clothing to sleep with, and that might help her more so knowing we haven't forgotten and miss her very much. Rather than the grieving with her. Awesome suggestions and glad I'm not the only one trying to figure out how to help my fuzzy four legged friend. There are many articles on helping children, tweens and everything in between, but very few on how we should help our pets heal and process it all. Thank you, I am glad to know there is more I can do to help her.
  13. I recently lost my mom 4 months ago. One of my dogs, Shiloh, a rescue hound mix has really been troubled because of this. She had seen her body the day of. In all our panic when I was on the phone with 911, she came in while she was on the ground during CPR. She had her tail wagging, and was interested in what was going on and looked at me. Playtime right now? She looked at my mom and instantly her whole body language and face expression changed. Her tail drooped, her eyes became sad and hurt. I've never seen her so heartbroken. It's an expression that has stayed with me. I gently led her out of the room and she followed me to the kennel. She understood the whole situation, from what I could tell. The paramedics, she did not bark or try to bother them when I took her out for a potty break. My other dog has no understanding really of what has been going on. She was depressed at first, not eating her favorite treats, eating but un-enthusiastically, not as excited to she her favorite people. She was always largely treat motivated. After about a week of that, that seemed to get better. At some point she started having nightmares. This is fairly frequent. After about a month or two after mom, my dad rearranged the bedroom. Suddenly in the middle of the night she would go and pee in there. We never had that issue before. She was pee pad trained at first, so we always have pee pads in the bathroom. She ALWAYS peed on the pee pads in the bathroom if she needed to go. If her favorite pee pad was used, she would go on the floor in the bathroom. Never on the carpets except maybe once or twice when she was much younger. She would normally wake one of us up if she needed to go desperately in the night. Instead she was peeing in the middle of the floor. My dad caught her, because we had multiple pets and wasn't sure which one had done it. We were almost positive it wasn't her though, because how good she was with the pee pads, and she loves using any excuse to go outside and get a treat. We had to use all kinds of stuff on the carpets, take her out in the middle of the night, keep my dad's door shut in the middle of the night, and re-do "umbilical cord training" and kenneling at night to reteach her. That all stopped her and haven't had that issue since. Other rooms in the house have been rearranged since and before and she did not respond that way so I'm sure it was the stress of losing mom. The nightmares are still happening. I wake her up when she has one and love on her because I can't stand to hear her cry and use her scared/fear whines. She had nightmares before but not as often. I feel like she's dreaming about mom or the day of. Mom was the one who adopted her with my dad, but she became primarily my dog because I trained her, took care of her daily needs, and she warmed up to me the most. Shiloh has always been an anxious dog, we had always thought maybe she had been abused or something similar like this happened to her. She's very stubborn and in some ways has become more loving, in others more stubborn. She seems to act out a lot more with barking at the children from the fence (the backyard neighbors have a daycare). One corner of the fence is wood. Just the standard chain link. The kids wander over if the care takers aren't paying attention (or even if they are), and she jumps on the fence and barks. She has a large scary bark, and is large enough she can stand on the fence (and hop it if she wants), but so far has never hopped that corner of the fence. I don't think she'll hurt the kids but it sure freaks them (and me) out. Shiloh misses her a lot, my mom didn't leave the house much so I think she got used to her always being here. Thankfully, there is almost always someone home still. I think she is struggling with it all and I don't know how else to help her? I grieve with her every now and then by having a picture of her and crying with it and talking to her. I think it helps, because when my family grieves around me it helps me. Or am I just stressing her out more by doing so? I feel like you would include a human or a child in the grieving and animals are very similar in most emotional aspects. Any tips to help her out from anyone who has had a grieving pet?
  14. I don't mind going through it all. I had thought about moving about before I was even out of highschool because I had planned to move out with my fiancee upon graduation. So it wasn't uncommon for my friends and I to look at local housing for rent/for sale and plan out a budget. Then I couldn't find a job for years, and situations changed. Absolutely on the insurance. It's aggravating to say the least with how out of hand it has gotten. We have an unusual dependency on each other that just works. It's very symbiotic. I had figured out that for the most part I believe what is giving me the overwhelmed feeling is general stress. Most those things used to be things I used to like doing. But when I get over-stressed everything is suddenly a mountain. I'm trying to take the st john's wort more consistently, get more sleep and try not to stress. It seems like every little bit of stress is overstressing me. Everything from my boss wants me to do something stupid and difficult that isn't in my job description, to just thinking about all the things that I have to do. I've taken days off of work and have been trying to sleep more, but I'm still pretty exhausted. I can't wait until my days off this week because I still intend for my brother's birthday to go to see the monster trucks like I had planned with my mom. I spent a crazy amount of money on it but it was very important to me to do that "unfinished business" I had with my mom. The one bit of unfinished business I'll never be able to get that hurts my soul is one last hug. That night of late at night when I came inside after my phone call with my fiancee, I had the world's strongest urge to go hug her and tell her I loved her and that I hoped she felt better.. I thought at first that she might be asleep, but I heard her getting sick. I decided that she was probably tired and that I would just tell her in the morning. But I just couldn't shake that feeling and I ignored it. That's something that has consistently bothered me. Everything else I know I did all I could with CPR and calling 911, but the part that bugs me is I didn't get that final hug for me and she didn't get that final hug from me. I know she knows that she was loved, I know she died knowing that, but I wanted that for me to hold onto and just to ease myself, make myself feel like I made her focus on that love instead of the pain she was in. It was a rare urge to want to hug her because I used to hug her a lot but she had gotten so skinny it hurt to hug her and made me worry every time about how much weight she had lost. They are my babies. They care so deeply about me. Even my mouse has heard me crying and grieving and has squeaked over and over at me. I have read that mice and other animals can feel your pain and grief. My dogs protect me. One time I twisted my ankle and fell while running outside and both the dogs have ran over to me and made sure I was okay. They are so smart. I have thought about getting the essential oils and stuff. Maybe I will think about trying some again. Thank you, I will be sure to check out the site.
  15. Since I'm 100% dependent on my dad's income (and counted as a dependent in taxes), it goes off of his and my total of income which puts me above free or reduced clinics. I had called to them before and made appointments when I had been kicked off my medicaid because I aged out and no longer fell under coverage, but they were not grief counselors anyways. I did not qualify before mom, and now after our insurance has gone up astronomically. Like dollar value we can't afford and have to get a different plan or nothing. He does handle him mostly. He drives him to and from school, puts clothes on his back, makes sure he has a home, and all that stuff. He says that it's his son and to let him handle it but he's very forgetful about some of his other things my brother ought to be doing on his own at home and he shouldn't have to be fighting with a 16 year old to brush his teeth. He's not necessarily impossible to get to do some of the stuff like that, just a reminder on those things. Homework he is. I don't even bother with it anymore otherwise I have to sit down with him the whole time. His grades are poor, before he was sleeping in class. It's not my responsibility like assigned to me but I've taken some of it on. It's what my mom would have wanted and it makes it easier on my dad dealing with him. My dad is rather delicate right now and I don't need my brother saying something jerkish he regrets because he can be rather rude and hurtful for no reason. The only things I really deal with him now is reminding him do things like brush his teeth, and ask politely if he will do something for me like fill up the dogs water, or take the dogs out. Most days he's pretty good about it, but sometimes he'll get a little grumpy about it, which I don't really care if he does. Sometimes I ask him if he's giving my dad a hard time to take it easy on him and remind him what he's going through. I sympathize with a lot of what my brother is going through with school and used to give my parents the same kind of unruliness but in different ways. My dad isn't really involved deeply with making sure he's doing what he should be at school because he feels he should be independent there and gets frustrated with riding on him about it. And he should be independent there but the schooling..It's bad. Not as bad as a D school mind you, but bad. The teachers aren't involved, they generally aren't helpful if you ask questions or don't understand because the teachers don't even understand it. I know from first hand experience I went to that school. Had some of the same teachers even. I was good at the exact same subjects, I slacked off in the same ways, and I required my mom and my fiancee to be active in my schooling to help me graduate because the curriculum was hard, I thought it was pointless, and didn't understand so it would make me feel dumb and I'd give up. So he needs that in his life and my dad doesn't have the patience to be like how I can help him with the homework. Right now another school isn't an option unless we move. He'll most likely have virtual school with will be easier for him in some ways and I can help him with that easier. I can't be chasing him and his teachers around for the incredible amount of work he doesn't do. And rule enforcing is slightly my job, in some of the rules. My rules I enforce though aren't generally the same kind dad enforces though. I generally give a rule more as a suggestion/If-you-don't-I'll-have-dad-enforce-it kind of rule. It's kind of like second in command more than chief but I do let my dad lean on me for support emotional and otherwise when needed because it doesn't take a lot out of me. It's more of sadness of the whole situation and stressing over things that takes the most out of me. Since roles all change around in the loss in a family I defaulted to the motherly one, because I was always my mom's second in command, the most like her, and helped with everything she did. I just wasn't ready to take on the full chief mom position. And I don't really. I just do what I used to do daily, with grieving. But the grieving generally sticks to late at night. That's always been my healing, thinking, and processing private time. My grieving was more open with my family at first, now I'm much more private about it and besides my pets, only my fiancee is there for it. That's just what I feel comfortable with. Moving out is an unreasonable thing that I have no desire to do for me right now, even if I could. I have no friends who live on their own, (Plus I don't even do overnights with friends anymore because I can't sleep without my animals and in other places very well) and I don't have the income, transportation, or full ability to live on my own without anyone. The amount of money to support myself and pets at an apt. would be $1500 a month (bills, food, rent, ect). I don't make anywhere near that. That is months of saving for me. I don't feel comfortable moving elsewhere without my pets because they are my main treatment for the mental right now. In low income housing there are waiting lists for months, and they are veryveryvery bad areas. My fiancee lives in one and woke up to one morning a bullet hole in their family car. And not for the first time. Due to the nature of my fainting spells, I need people around me aware of how dangerous they can be and what is going on when they happen. It also is where even if I could legally drive I would not for fear of hurting someone because I can faint while sitting. (I had also meant to type in my second response that I had an EP study done on my heart). My shifting mental status also makes it healthier to be around people I trust, because they make sure I go out with people and check on me frequently. I also get very fearful of being alone in unknown places and situations. And as far as living here goes all my bills are paid for, my insurance is paid for, I am fed, I am in a nice neighborhood, my animals are allowed to be here, I have transportation where I want and need to go, I have family, people who care about me, people who understand I am not always mentally sound and how to help me when I need it, people watching out for my medical well being, I am not physically, sexually or mentally abused, ect. Previous living situations had not always guaranteed these things. All these are things I can not guarantee elsewhere and all of those things would be my own responsibilities. When it's put that way it's easy to see for only doing chores that pertain to my animals, watching over my brother in some ways, and making dinner isn't that bad. It's just a lot for me to handle right now but moving out would be a ridiculous amount more. Thanks for the suggestion though. I do love my animals and they are a huge part of me and have helped me so much in my life.
  16. Sorry for the belated response and thank you for your kind words.. It means a lot, and really made me feel better to have some one respond. I cannot imagine your pain and difficulty with grieving and going through a pregnancy..Both are hard enough on their own. Haven't been pregnant yet but I want kids someday and I know that pregnancy is a tough tough time. That was something that broke my heart knowing my mom would never be a grandmother. My fiancee said that she got a chance to with my dog babies, which is true, but I wish she would have gotten to meet her future human ones. My dad still does a lot of things (too many to list) but my brother never really has. I tried to have a talk with my brother about it and he just brushed me off and blew me off on doing any chores and really upset and frustrated me.. My brother's closest thing to chores is taking out the garbage (which I've been doing), getting the dogs water (which I did mostly but he did it today yay!), and putting his clothes in the laundry bin. He won't even do his homework no matter what the reward or discipline is. He's at that frustrating edgy tween age we all went through. I hope he'll find someone to help him try harder in high school because if it wasn't for my fiancee I would not have graduated. I know he feels it's useless now but that piece of paper is so important for jobs around here. He is just kind of in his own bubble and always has been. Him and I are close somewhat but he's just always been a strange kid. He is very snarky, sarcastic and one of those people who can't keep quiet when he really should.. Always afraid he's gonna come home with a bloody nose because of the things he says to people at school. Kinda like a 11 year old trapped in highschool. He even looks that young and is just starting to learn simple every day things. In the last few years, he has learned how to blow his nose, tie his shoes, and fairly recently cut up his own food.. (To be fair the only time we really require to cut up our food is Thanksgiving or other family gatherings but still..Just now learning that?) And to be honest, I don't know how the loss is really impacting him. He cried the one time and got teary eyed at the viewing, but since then I just don't know how he's processing it all. He had mentioned he had regretted an argument he had with mom a couple days before but that was it. I just have a feeling he's not processing it right. He was more upset when he was about 10 and lost his mouse..Grieved for weeks. He used to be a really sensitive kid but he's changed in many ways. He's asexual and just very..Him I guess. There's no other real words I have on his personality. He can also be very sweet still but I just don't know with him. He was ridiculously spoiled by our mom. I was too, but I had been doing chores and taking care of him from a young age as my dad worked full time, and while my mother did not she was bipolar and had many issues that fell onto me. She got help and got much better, but then the few months before she had numbness and tingling in her limbs. It got to the point where she couldn't open things, couldn't drive, and couldn't write that well. I guess in the autopsy they had said she had rather high doses of her medication. (The one the doctor's swore up and down wouldn't cause what she had but..I have my doubts.) We had gone to a counselor one time. I was very excited to finally have a therapist because I knew I needed one for years. Panic attacks, anxiety, in extreme times hallucinations. I could always tell what was happening but terrifying still. I had talked to my mom about it and described what happened and she was shocked and said that she had one exactly like it years before.. Anyhow long story short she had gone to the doctors the day of.. Not even 16 hours before. She begged and pleaded and my dad tried to tell the doc how bad it was, and the doc brushed it off and wouldn't listen. The doctor was very uncooperative with the police, and there is a possibility of a lawsuit. Total jerk. Her other doctor was very kind and arranged the therapy for us with a coworker where my brother and I would get therapy, and my dad a bit, but we could still put it under his insurance which was going to be a tremendous help. But then when the report came back, my grandparents are pushing to sue THAT doctor. So now I don't feel comfortable telling her anything because she works in the same office, they are colleagues and that seems complicated and like it could cause problems. And with our the whole health care situation right now..yikes. It's over 200 dollars a session around here and that's a lot for me right now. That's more than my weekly pay. So that really is frustrating. As well as the free clinics in my area I don't qualify for since my dad now has one less person to include as a dependent so we're way out of the threshold. While logically I know my mental health is more important there's so many costs right now with the cremation, our mortgage, bills, my dad is up in the air about moving states, and when I finally do get the insurance worked out my priority has to be my cardiologist. I'm already known to have heart problems, already had a heart monitor and in the past year, have fainting spells, and am high risk for a heart attack before I'm 50 as well..Got the same heart murmur my mom had. The responsibilities of the pets fall on me because all the animals of the household are technically mine. The cat was shared custody between my mom and I, but his litter box and food is in my room. The litter box I used to refuse to change but I found a wonderful litter box that makes my life soo easy because I can put a garbage bag in it and no mess, no dogs eating it! His food is no big deal. The big dog wasn't technically mine but then she chose me. I potty trained her from pee pads, made her behavior manageable, and turned her into a completely different dog. I used to worry she would hurt someone or escape. Now she is much less stubborn and one time after I let her out without realizing the backdoor was open she went out the gate..and came to the front door and knocked! She requires more. The multiple feedings, letting her out multiple times, deshedding, weekly ear feedings, monthly flea medicine and baths, to name the main ones. My small dog is my dog because I brought her home and I was just kinda like "This is my dog now." Everyone fell in love and my mom was so proud I was responsible enough to orchestrate a whole vet outing, pulling together the money, before I had a job and when I couldn't drive when an animal was in need. She was dangerously thin, weighed half of what the other puppies did and half her litter had died, and she was the last one left. I swear she hung on from me going to there when I could and showing her attention and love. That night when I decided to keep her, she was being kept outside in the freezing cold and so I held her in my arms in my jackets for hours..Until I could get her to a vet. She really did pick me as her owner and we immediately clicked. Sweetest, most obedient dog in the world. Almost became my service animal but she was overly protective of me in public. She only has the feeding, multiple outings that are super fast because she speeds back in, the flea stuff, and bath time is no hassle because she loves baths. The mouse is mine because I was the one who convinced my mom to let me get him. My dad was so against it but eventually relented. He is super sweet, but is the smelliest mouse in the world. I have never had a mouse or other animal be this smelly. He requires an air filter by him at all times and multiple air fresheners and a charcoal filter. It's bad. And he requires time consuming cage cleanings. Feedings and waterings are easy but I'm sure he's lonely because I have been so busy. My fiancee was going to take in the mouse but then her family wouldn't let her. The newest addition I didn't even have when I wrote the above is a hedgehog. I know right? Complains I have too much to do, then gets another. But the hedgehog was my dad's olive branch for all I do and for what I'm going through. I had really wanted one because I had been going on and on about them for weeks. I had shown my mom a video for Mother's Day with cute baby hedgehogs and their mom and a song singing about world's greatest mom. She had cried and I still cry seeing it. It was a sweet memory that was in my mind and I wanted to be closer to it I think. I think she would absolutely love the hedgehog I got. I got him for an incredible deal of craigslist and they lived three streets away. He's 2 years old and came with almost everything. He needed a good home and someone to love him. He just needs feedings, he doesn't stink, watering, and taking him out is easy. He hangs out in my pockets, doesn't make a mess and explores. He's still very shy but he'll come around. Overall though the benefits of my pets far outweigh the costs, and responsibilities.They give me purpose, a feeling of love, comfort me, help with my anxiety and panic attacks, and something to focus on when I need something to distract me, a project to research. I always have research and things to hyper focus on with them. The worst of the responsibilities is worrying over them and being allergic to them which requires more vacuuming and deshedding. It really is worth it though and for someone who's self treating all this and as much I have on my plate 5 animals & some St Johns Wort seems like a low cost compared to what I had before. No hallucinations since I got my small dog. I trained her to listen for sounds, so I can ask her "Who dares?" to see if it's in my head. While I'd know for the most part they were in my head, they could get convincing. Mostly it just one of those looking at a list and going "wow..this is a crazy amount of stuff to do.." but then mostly it's not so bad. It keeps me busy but it does stress me out. I find it hard to remember things especially with so much going on so I have to use a white board and checklists to keep me in line but there's always something I forget. I really wanted my fiancee to move in to help me with all this, but she does have a dog, no ability to drive (but has a car), and a job that requires transportation. My job is work at home, but high stress due to the boss, but works out well for all these responsibilities. Dad has said if we move she is coming with us. But I have a huge fear we will HAVE to give up one of our pets and my bet is big dog.. But who knows but that point? Things change so quickly, plans change, some of our animals are old-ish (but have the potential for a couple more years), so there's no telling what will be going on then. Just life went from very stable to an everyday roller-coaster, emotions, responsibilities, income, and everything I knew thrown into the air. I do believe that the soul lives on too. My mother was such a strong, creative and beautiful person. While I watched some of the worst be stolen from her from caffeine, her medicine, and smoking, I still remember some of the best. The bipolar made her the most creative emotionally driven person I knew. She had the largest heart and she was an artist. She painted the most beautiful things I still have to this day. But the bipolar did leave her prone to when her body was under high stress to hallucinate. Mostly bad. But one I remember to this day was when I was little and she saw her younger brother who had died when he was in his 20's. She had seen a shadow that looked like an angel and told me he was watching over me. Maybe that part wasn't in her mind, but not too long later she thought someone was trying to gun down my grandpa in the street and was yelling at them not to hurt him. Her caffeine gave her the energy to keep up with us kids when the medicine sapped her energy. But how it made her age. Same with the cigarettes.The medical examiner had even put in the autopsy she looked way older than her age. They helped her anxiety. But they didn't help me as much and I hated them. She had tried to quit so many times and was trying again when she passed. The medicine kept her from slipping into the bad hallucinations, the scary ones where we feared she would wander out into the street and hurt herself. But it made it where she couldn't feel emotions the same. And contributed to her weakness. But two sides of a coin to everything. She was truly a beautiful person and touched the lives of those around her. There was nothing she loved more than my brother and I. My fiancee did look at the link, thank you My mom adored my fiancee and would be so proud of how much of a help she's been. She loved her so much and would always tell me how much of a keeper she was and ask how our relationship was doing, and every day asked me after my phone call with her how her day was going, what was going on in her life. That was something I was glad my mom got to witness, when I proposed to her. My mom had given her a hug and almost had tears in her eyes when she hugged her and welcomed her to the family. She's been amazing. All the 5 am phone calls, she came over and spent the first night with me which was so helpful, and has been so great. This has put a huge strain on me which can cause some squabbles but we love each other, and have our love and dedication to being with each other help us talk it out. She has been very understanding and forgiving and patient with me. Wow sorry this post was so lengthy, I guess I had a lot to say!
  17. Hey all. This is my first post. I'm 19 years old, female, lost my mom 3 months ago very suddenly to heart attack. She was 46 years old and we were all blindsighted. She had been sick but no one was expecting it. I woke up to my dad calling my name. At first I thought it was just him waking me up for work, but then something in his voice. It sounded wrong. I immediately woke up and asked what was wrong. He was standing in the hallway saying my name and staring into his bedroom. I bolted up and asked if it was mom and if she was ok. I ran into the bedroom and she was laying on the bed arms outstretched stiff. Her eyes were glazed over, she had vomit on her face. I immediately grabbed my phone and called 911. I started to panic as my dad went into hysterics in the background. I did my best to tell the operator what was happening. I put her on speaker so she could walk my dad through CPR. Air came out of her mouth as he pushed but she wasn't breathing. He told me to get out of the room and wait for the paramedics. Just as I was about to leave the room, one of my dogs walked in to see what was going on. I'll never forget that expression she had on her face when she realized. She came in wagging her tail, and then she saw mom on the floor and....Her face just fell. Her whole expression changed and she hung her head and her tail. I gently ushered her and my other dog to kennels, moving things so they could get the stretcher in and sat on the porch. I was in total shock. When the paramedics arrived I watched as they told my dad "I'm sorry buddy. She's cold. She's gone." My dad broke out into even worse hysterics screaming that she wasn't that sick and her name over and over again. The rest of the day was the longest day in the world. My grandmother came to see us. She had plans to visit my mom that day. I watched as we had the best officers get her out of there before we had to bring my brother home. My brother. My not even at his 16th birthday yet, brother. The one who my mom would never get to see graduate. The one who went to school that morning with a mom. The one who would come home without one. I watched my dad tell my brother at a church parking lot with tears running down his face what happened. The moment my brother realized he'd never see his mom again. The hug we shared in tears together. Every day I have flash backs to that day. Every day I remember her face when we found her. My dad screaming for me. My brother. Most nights I have nightmares. Before it was worse. It's not as bad now but I always wake up alert, afraid something happened to someone. Every day I think about her. Before it was always how much I missed her, how unfair it was. I was a huge mama's girl and was barely ever away from her. We were best friends, and now I will never see her again. Hear her voice, talking to me, singing songs to me, and telling me how much she loved me. I'm overwhelmed by how much I miss her and my new responsibilities in the family. I keep the family together. I do a vast majority of the chores, maintaining the house, dinner, I work a part time job, I take care of my brother, and take care of 4 animals. While it's not a lot in terms of work, it feels like it. Every day, I feel like I'm just kind of..not me anymore. Like I lost large pieces of me. I feel like I'm mom 2.0 and failing miserably. In addition to that I have an overall depressed feeling. A depressed deep down in my soul. I can smile, and laugh, but there's always a sigh following. My fiancee has noticed and she's worried about me. She thinks maybe I need to connect with other's to help me not feel so isolated. Maybe this post will help other's feel not so isolated. Maybe it will help me too.
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