kath

It's a reminder to me to say a prayer for him, for his happiness where he is.

I like this. I hate getting the "Estate of" mail, but I still like to see his name on regular things.

One month is so very early and all those things you are experiencing are really, really normal. I had to get up in the morning because of my kids. They had to go to school and needed a mom that could fix meals. The problem was I had no desire to do any of it. I forgot how to cook and would burn most everything. I forced myself to move just to get them where they needed to be. I could spend hours doing nothing. My phases were more about numbness,sadness, reading (I read everything Bob ever read to keep that connection going), faith, lonliness, rediscovery (who was after all when I'd been so happy to be his wife for so long?) and finally energy. Energy came last. The things that used to be important took second shelf. I poured myself into my faith and my church and that worked for me, but it wasn't easy and it took what seemed an eternity. I think I used to feel that someday I would have to accept Bob's death. I don't know that I ever will. What I have learned to accept is myself, and the life I have to make, as much as for my sake as for my children.

I used to deer hunt with Bob and I was privileged to witness the intense survival instincts of deer. We are not so different. We also have those instincts. Of course, we are blessed with all the emotions as well, so that can get in our way, but it is a blessing all the same. I wish there was an easy way through this. There's not. So, the only way is with really small steps in really small moments of each day. Don't lose patience with yourself. I'm sorry for all of us having to go through this and I pray daily for strength for each and every one. We'll survive. It just takes a while to get to where it feels possible.

Kath

Dear Linda,

Tonight is the night before what would be (is??) my 23rd wedding anniversary. Bob died 2 years and 5 months ago. I sat alone, wanting to cry, wanting to feel his arms around me, needing to know that he is still watching out for me, but I couldn't. I replayed every highlight of our life together (including our 6 year courtship) and instead of tears, I was left feeling really loved. He did so many wonderful things to make me feel special, remembering them brought me joy instead of sadness. Two years ago I would never had believed it could be like this. I miss him greatly. But it is his honest to goodness, all out love, that wraps around me today. It's not the same, he should be here, but I will make do with what he left behind.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

Love,

Kath

Hi, Marsha.

Please don't think everything you have done is negated by how you are feeling now. I think we just go through those times of wanting it to not be so. We dreamed of a future with our spouses and cancer was not part of that dream. The times of doubt sneak up on us and it's still so incredulous to think that something, anything, couldn't have made this have a different outcome.

Lonliness is a terrible state to be in. It is those times that my "stinkin' thinkin" is at it's worst. I had a bonfire tonight and spent most of it by myself with my whole life running through my head...my life with Bob. If you really think, about all those times you had with Joe, I think you'll see your answer. You were enough for him. He loved you and you him.

I was fortunate early on to have attended a weekend for people who lost their spouses, either through death or divorce. It was called Beginning Experience, and one of the "sessions" was a role play where different counselors acted like different people in our lives. We were able to ask for forgiveness and forgive them if needed. It was amazingly powerful and really helped me to move past a lot of the guilt I had been carrying. It still creeps in, but luckily, the duration isn't as long. We miss our spouses. I think we tend to fill the gap with whatever we can to get through it, whether we deserve it or not. Go gentle on yourself, my friend. You have done so much, maintaining your deli and all your journeling. It is such a hard trek. Don't give up now. That would be the real injustice to Joe.

Love you,

Kath

Dear Boo,

Thank you for thinking of me. I wish you could come sit with me, too. It's different this year in that I didn't think about our anniversary for the whole month, but it is heavy on my mind today, for sure. We really looked forward to a major celebration on the 25th. We loved being married to each other. It made each of us so much better than we were alone.

Tomorrow I will go to a benefit for a former co-worker. She is a young wife and mother who's cancer has come back and has spread to her liver. I ache for what she is going through. It is because of Bob's illness that I understand it all too well.

Kath

Further thoughts on this...

It was much harder to speak aloud about my father's passing, than it is to type it. Perhaps it is this pain that draws me to doing it - the fact that, I need this pain, I need to talk about my dad, in order to keep moving through my journey. I don't want to repress or hold back any aspect of progress. I know my father would want me to heal, and that drives me to try and progress forward...even if it is very painful.

Dear Chai,

I think one of the things that is so hard about losing someone we love is that it feels like losing a part of ourselves. For me it was losing that history because I had been with Bob for 27 years and no one else was that involved in our lives. Sure, different people shared different times, but we were like glue for all that time. So, in telling your story, either written or just re-telling the times you treasured or were even difficult, takes it away from just you alone. It lets others in to knowing the details of your relationship. It can probably never be that one person will know all you had like your dad did, but it opens yourself up to expression and understanding, from your friends, or even the insight you gain by writing it down for your eyes only. Telling your story doesn't have to mean writing the book of your life, but it can give you something solid to look back on if you do. It is one aspect of healing and moving forward that shouldn't be overlooked. You have done that beautifully here, with us and in your video tribute. By talking, it gives your dad and your times with him importance.

You are so right in that pain comes with new growth. You have been an insightful companion on this journey for a lot of us. I know your dad would be proud of you for that. Just knowing you don't have to go it alone is a big step. I have found my best listeners (besides here) in the ears of strangers. So, be it a counselor, a friend, a church member, an uncle, it all contributes to you being open enough to share. You've seen how not everyone is receptive to listening. Your job is to find those people that are. I wish you all the best, my friend. You are progressing.

Love,

Kath

Dear Kat,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your dear husband. Twenty-five years is a long time. Bob and I looked so forward to celebrating it, though we were together for 27, we were married for only 21 when he died.

It is normal to question everything for a long time. There's no doubt you loved him, and that love did not fail because it was his time to go. Because it is such a shock when it happens, we need to blame someone and it usually is ourselves. (We are kind of easy targets being so down already.) Please go gentle on yourself. Four months is really early on this journey and your love will carry you through. I still think of Bob all the time, too, even after two years. Just as our marriage to our loved ones is so important to who we are, it is their memory that will always be important as we become comfortable with who we are yet to be.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss. You came to a really good place here. We so get it, unfortunately.

Kath

Dear Jrm,

I think after the other insurance runs out, your own insurance should kick in as it was a motor vehicle accident. After that, your private medical or medicare would cover. It's best to have an attorney sort through it, and then get the hospital involved in the coordination of benefits. Don't worry about him declaring bankruptcy. He is still responsible for his liability. That's why there is insurance to begin with.

I know it is so difficult to have to deal with anything extra right now, especially as you try to heal yourself, so seek the help of professionals and tread lightly. It may exhaust you even further.

Kath

Mary Linda,

I see this as a huge step for you. I am so proud that you were able to do this. I remember the first time I took the kids out on my own. I was so self-conscious. The waitress was all "So, it'll just be you three tonight?" that I thought she was taunting me and I wanted to kick her and scream, that "I didn't want it to be just us three", that "their dad was supposed to be there with us" and "why did she have to rub it in my face?" I was miserable. I hope your time was more enjoyable, for your sake. Congratulations.

Kath

This is Kath's daughter talking. I haven't ever written on this website but I would like to try. I am so sorry about your dad. He must have been great. I lost my dad about 2 years ago and I know how it is to feel that sort of pain. You just have to think about all the good times you had with him and the confusion should go away. If you want to cry but cant, do something else to show your emotions, in a non-violent way of course. There is nothing more you can really do. I will keep you in my prayers.

-someone like you

PS: Have fun playing soccer.

I have plenty of good years before the empty nest syndrome kicks in. The cherubs are in 6th and 7th grades. I still have all the joyful years to go through first! (I had a late start to parenthood.) Bob and I had 16 years alone before the kids arrived. I am grateful for that time, but feel bad they didn't get to see how fun their dad was. Most of their memories are of him being sick.

I chose to think this was a chance for me to see him healed and well. It took my breath away.

Deborah

That is what was so spectacular...To see him before diabetes or hepatitis took control of him, was a huge blessing! Definitely a little glimpse of heaven...

Dear Lucia,

I wish there was a time limit to grief, it would give us an end date, something to "make it to." Unfortunately, it takes as long as it does and where you are at is right where you need to be. It may be uncomfortable for your kids to see you cry, but it is so important. My youngest was only nine and he couldn't believe that I could keep talking about his dad. I assured him that is how I keep him alive within us. Tears release the fears, the uncertainty, the joy, the sorrow, the pain, the laughter, the lonliness, the accomplishments and all the rest. We hold back to appear strong, but it is in the freedom of crying that comes our strength. It sure doesn't seem like it while we are in the thick of it, but it will lessen over time, in your time.

Take good care,

Kath

Dear Linda,

I'm so sorry you are forced to face life without your beloved Brian. I know, it is a time when even the deepest faith can be tested, and while it is impossible to look at a future, it is possible to look at this second, or this minute. That is really what it takes in the beginning. Take care of yourself, because it isn't going to be easy. Rest when you can, eat when you think you can't, walk, talk and cry often. Love changes us all for the better, and it is that love that will carry you through.

In prayer,

Kath

The cherubs and I have been rolling from bed to couch (on a good day) for the last two weeks. I woke up Monday thinking a truck had parked on my chest and put my heart in a vise. Luckily, it is just pleurisy and I didn't have the heart attack it felt like. After sleeping for 72 hours, not eating and off and on fever, I dreamt that my son and I were watching caribou cross our path out a very large corner window. Off in the distance, I saw another speck and saw what I thought was a wolf. As it got nearer, I could see it was a dogsled. I recognized the first person as my grandma, looking very young and healthy. There were more people, all seeming to be enjoying themselves, but I didn't pay attention to who they were. My focus went to the dog who was definitely Zeus (my old husky who I had to put down a month after Bob passed away) and it was Bob driving the sled. He looked so healthy and strong that it took my breath away. He moved so freely and looked the best I'd seen in many many years. I woke up instantly and reflected on how it would be just like Bob to gather up all the grandmas for an excellent adventure. Then I thought, if there's snow in heaven, I don't want to go. (I've been freezing, then sweating for three days after all.)

I haven't "seen" Bob in a dream since October '07. Maybe October is my month

Kay,

I was telling the kids tonight about getting Zeus, my first child, and former husky. He was nine months old and kept in a crate all day every day. When my co-worker said she was going to give him up I knew I had to meet him. Bob wasn't as sure, even though he was more like Dr. Doolittle than anyone I'd ever met. Zeus came out of that crate and started giving me kisses galore and I went up to Bob and said, "You gotta see this dog." He was adorable (Bob and Zeus both.) One look and we were packing him in our truck to bring home.

Sassie is growing on us, though she rarely is the loving dog her predecessor was. Today, though, Mike was climbing the walls, so I outlined a very long walk for him to take Sassie on. He slipped at one point and let loose of her leash.(We had our first snow today.) Sassie came back to him carrying her leash in her mouth and licked his graveled hand. We were both surprised. She is starting to settle into being the dog we had all longed for. I don't know how old Arlie is, but everyone says it takes two years. I'm holding my breath on that, but there are getting to be more and more moments like today that give us hope. We were watching her as she was curled up and sleeping and I told the kids that some day it would be just her and I after they head off to college. Caitlin pitied me and they both laughed when I said, "Pray for me. Pray and don't ever stop!"

Dear Em,

It sounds like you are in a growth spurt. They are difficult to say the least but you will come out stronger in the end. Hang in there. You will be okay. You are among people that know what it is like and care what is happening to you. Walk gently for now.

Love,

kath

This is awesome on so many levels! Good luck to all of you and a very rousing "well done" I might add.

Kath

Jeanne,

This is a really difficult form for me to fill out, even when I have to be the one to initiate it at work. I go into a major dilemma at the start of each school year, sports season, or scout sign up, hospital record update, or new job. Not only do I need to list someone to contact for myself, I worry about who will know where the kids are. No one is that involved in my life to know where to find us. So, I list my neighbors and carry my cell phone with everyone's title. I hope if that time ever came, where someone had to reach out in my favor, that it will be enough information. It might not be a bad idea to have a list at home of all the people. Thanks for making me think more about this. I tend to avoid it whenever possible.

Kath

I think your plan is a solid one. I'm thinking that advice is given because at one point or another, we feel the need to flee - away from our pain, away from our environment with all the memories. But it takes a while to realize that our pain goes with us no matter where we are; hence, the waiting is to grieve, to just be, to come to our senses and see where we are - and that takes time. Marsha

I agree totally with Marsha. I can see that after a year, I changed and started to settle in. What brought me sadness and despair (roaming around a house that used to feel full) now brings comfort. I love having Bob's coats still hang in the closet and see the stuff he had arranged in the garage still in their spot. I think if I changed things now, I would feel his loss more acutely than ever. The urge to flee is gone. I have had thoughts of moving just to be closer to my job, but I don't want to add any more disruption to my children's lives. They've been through enough...we all have.

All my best,

Kath

Kay,

I'm sorry you didn't have a nice birthday. I had high hopes for you this year and it sounds like you did too. Are you okay after your fall? It's those things that scare me most. ..getting injured with no one there to help. These setbacks are just that, my friend. Please know that I'm holding you in prayer as you ride this wave.

Kath

JRM,

Your plan sounds lovely. Don't feel like the tears ruined it. Tears are healing. It is best to let them come as needed.

(((((HUGS))))) to you,

Kath

I've taken my time on the closet cleaning. It seemed like I was ready at one year and did manage to donate quite a bit. Some things still hang and I have bins of shirts I hope to sew parts together and edge a comforter for my son. It is easier to see things every day than it is to come upon them by surprise. (Like the wedding napkins I was saving for our 25th anniversary.)

Take your time on this. There is no need to rush it.

Kath

Valley,

I love this topic and am so proud that you can see the growth in yourself. I had to think really hard about what my strength is now because it is easier to find things I don't think I could do. I used to be able to sit in the passenger seat while Bob drove everywhere, so when it was just me, I became petrified, too afraid to go anywhere for fear of getting lost. But, I have driven to more places than I thought I ever could, thanks to mapquest. I get lost sometimes and have to ask for directions, but I do get there eventually.

I have had to face my own fears in this house, also, the latest and worst being a bat that showed up at 11pm when it was just my daughter and I at home. It was my absolute biggest fear, but I knew I had to get it out of the house and managed to do just that (with a whole lot of screaming and my skin crawling off my body and hiding behind my back) but I did it.

So, way to go girl! We can do this!

Kath

"[in addition, I'm adding some wise words from Winnie-the-Pooh:

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you."

Dear Susie,

You are really early into this journey and I imagine you already have a good idea why it is called grief "work." It is a full-time job for a while, but the intense pain you feel on a daily basis does lessen over time. Sometimes I get a little scared posting after two-plus years, because I don't want those just starting out to worry about time. But it was those people two years ago that carried me while I was new. It may be two steps forward, one step back for a long while, but don't get too wrapped up in looking to the future. You are right where you need to be today. If you can just get through this moment, you will gain the strength and momentum to carry you through.

I love what Boo shared with us. Soon you take a chance on minor repairs, or driving where you thought you never could and each new accomplishment is magnified because you did it. You'll feel brave and smart and find new friends that will help along the way and you'll know, that your beloved is watching and caring and waiting.

Be gentle on yourself, and come back often. Boo is just one example of the strength we muster on this daring path. (So glad you are okay, by the way, Ms. Mayhew.)

Love,

Kath