kath

Simply beautiful, Walt. Thanks for sharing.

Kath

Dear Steely,

I guess I had the opposite reaction to my health care. I used to pour all my energy into caring for Bob and the kids. When widowed with two young children, I felt I needed to be really vigilant with my health as I had neglected seeing a doctor for years and years. I knew they were counting on me. Didn't you say you have his children and grandchildren? It is okay to survive for someone else's sake until you are able to do it for yourself. That is how I managed at least. I don't want them to lose another parent. I understand how every waking step is exhausting. With diabetes, you have to be really regimented in your self care. I used to say it was good that Bob was the one that had it and not me. He was so much more equiped to staying on a schedule. My needs had always been last on my list. So, please, find a way to stay on time with your meds and your meals. You are very important, and I am guessing it is more than just us that feels that way.

Dear Em,

I don't think anything felt "normal" for the first couple years. How can it when we are consumed with thoughts of our loved ones at every waking moment? I imagined myself with one foot planted in the ground while the other inched along, begrudgingly at best. With that came the realization that I was still stretching, at a snail's pace, but part of me kept moving. That image helped me start dragging my other foot to catch up. If we hang onto too much from the past, we will not see the opportunities that lie ahead. It's a slow, slow process and you are getting there, my friend. Go easy on yourself. There really is no time limit to this journey.

Eventually, the emptiness inside gets replaced with bits of confidence. We hear our loved ones praise and approval echo in our hearts and though we long for so much more, it becomes enough to keep pushing. Nothing feels quite the same, but then, either did my life with Bob feel like anything I had yet experienced. Change is never easy. Please take comfort in not having to go it alone. We are here for you.

Love,

Kath

The picture my favorite cousin sent arrived in today’s mail.

It brought me back to long ago, before my dreams did pale.

Your smile shown like a thousand suns the reason for my waking.

To see the twinkle in your eyes again, sent my heart to quaking.

It brought me back to days gone by; our dreams still freshly new.

Just one year after we were wed, complete joy to stand beside you.

I can almost feel the security your strong arm around me lent,

Recalling the closeness that we shared, the depth of love apparent.

Your head of hair, not quite yet gray, your glowing skin so healthy.

A partnership of soul mates bred a true affair of love for eternity.

The smile I flashed when opening the memory in that one photo

Turned to pangs of heartstrings broke, when looking at tomorrow.

I’ve moved beyond the anger though loneliness tends to prevail,

And muddled through the questions sparked by this day’s mail.

I’ve never loved another more and doubt there could ever be

A greater treasure than you have been, in the coming century.

Always and forever, my love.

Dear Rochel and Linda,

It takes a very long time to work through all of this as you are finding out. I really hated losing my "wife" status and abhorred the title of widow. But now, I'm really listening to the stories of the Bible and hearing the value of widows as they are held in high esteem by God. The lessons they teach are often of hardship and suffering, yet their capacity to love and to give is extraordinary. Something good needs to come from all of this, and if it is the ability to understand, or even share this knowledge with others that are grieving, helps to lessen the stigma of being a widow. I've come to the conclusion that it is a much nicer option to check widow than single. Widow gives me a stature of loving someone until death. If it is our jobs as spouses to help each other reach heaven, we have done our jobs well. When you are ready, and you have gained some energy and momentum back, you will be a blessing to those put in your path. For now, walk gently, my friends and take care of yourself. It takes a very long time to heal a broken heart, but you are and always will be valued for who you are and what you have been through.

Love,

Kath

Dear Sherry,

I guess I never realized how close your husband was to retiring. How sad that is. That said, I am really proud of you for taking the step forward to enjoy the things you two had planned on doing. It is all we can do to push forward. There are some unfinished things my husband wanted to with the kids in tow and reading your story makes me all the more willing to go ahead with them. It is good we can carry our loved ones in our hearts. That way they are always there. Best of luck to you. This is a new beginning!

Love,

Kath

Enjoy your girls and all the stories you'll have to share. I don't have to tell you not to fret the tears.

Love you,

Kath

Dear Rochel,

The tearing of the flesh will subside after a while. That separation, losing our "married" title seems so unfair. After dedicating our lives to partnering and caring for our spouses, it shouldn't have to stop so abrubtly, on paperwork of all things. In my heart, I will always be Bob's wife. When I talk about him, I say we knew each other for almost thirty years, even though he died after 27. Our relationship continues because he is in my constant thought and prayers. He guides my decisions and I still feel his presence in my children, my home, my photos, my soul and in the ring on my hand. All I ever wanted to be was his wife. To find a new identity in all this, is just too much burden.

You took a giant step in spreading your Bob's ashes. It may seem like a gut-wrenching closure, but it doesn't have to be. It is the beginning of seeing with new eyes. That is what this journey is all about.

Take good care,

Kath

This was read on my radio station this morning. Sue's website has several inspirational poems. Go to www.heavensrollcall.com to read more.

Poem from Heaven’s Roll Call

Your Loved Ones are Okay

Copyright – Sue Lueck Carlson

There’s nothing I can do or say to take away your pain.

But if there were I’d do it so not a tear remains.

I know how much you’re hurting and I know that you have cried.

I know the emptiness you feel without your loved ones by your side.

It’s hard to lose the ones you love and it’s so hard to understand

When part of you is taken away

With all the good times that you planned.

Life can be unfair at times, but this I know is true.

When God takes away a soul, the memories stay with you.

That’s why at night when you’re alone and a memory comes to mind,

let it through and remember – God’s not the hurting kind.

He sends it back so you will know that your loved ones are okay.

They’re healed now. All strength is back and they’re not that far away.

You can close your eyes to see each face and if you listen with your ears,

you’ll still hear their voice within your head, so you’ll know that they’re still near.

It’s like they’re in another room and they’re calling out to you.

Enjoy the memories God has given. They’re there to help you through.

God loves you, Friend. don’t even doubt one day you’ll all unite.

Keep looking up! You’re not alone, You’re always in God’s sight.

Dear Fred,

I definitely think it is more of a revolving than an awakening. We slide forward, slip back, flop from side to side, and try new things. I have always admired your willingness to get back into the dating scene. That is one thing I was happy I would never have to do (when I was with Bob, that is.) The lonliness can be unbearable at times, even in a crowded room, so I do understand why you don't want this new life to be a single venture.

I have a friend that is very in tune to nature and spiritual senses. I was crying and carrying on about how hard it still is and how very lonely this has been. No one can replace our spouses, and even though I am interested in getting "out there" I don't think I could. She said at this time of year, be it the shift in days, or the full moon, or even Halloween, there is a sadness that is present. It is the time of year when the veil between the living and the dead is the thinnest. So, maybe, it is the time of year that we think of our loved ones the most because they are the closest to us. I don't know. But somehow, her words helped me. And as I read the posts on this forum, I pretty much see that same sadness. A lot of people further along have been checking in. I am grateful, because your experience is what has helped me the most, but I do wish for happier days because I hold onto that hope. We are moving and evolving, it just gets frustrating because we are an impatient breed and want things right away.

I guess it may be best to change our expectations (of us, life, people, etc.) and find the simple joys in each day. It all goes back to those baby steps that Mary Linda mentioned.

Kath

I was looking through my husband's things, wanting desparately to give something special to our children to have with them during the funeral. My son came running in, saw a couple of bullets from Bob's rifle that he had kept with his cufflinks and stuff, asked if he could have them, I said "Sure" and handed them over. So, during his dad's funeral, my son carried two rifle bullets in his pocket. Later that day I saw him banging them together and freaked out saying, "You can't have those!" I totally didn't even know I gave them to him.

As my cousin told me, there was no "Mother of the Year" award for me that day!

And you have us! We're loveable, funny and only occasionally destructive!

I wish I could fix things for you, Kay. I can only listen. I don't even have any advice. Hang in there. I just know good things will come your way. You are too sweet for anything less.

Kath

Dear Kim,

I'm glad to see you here also. You have been through so much and have always managed a kind word for those of us that followed you on this path. I am hoping that only the best come to you and yours.

Kath

PS: Stay as sweet as you are. (That's how my grandma signed every card.)

My first thought while reading your posts, was, if you take the time to be angry at God, it means you at least are aware of who He is. That pleases me. He can handle it because he understands. And best of all, He'll still be there when the anger subsides.

It can be really hard some days to read of the heartache each new person brings to this site. It can take me right back or I find myself praying that someone will reach out and wrap their arms around each one of you and hold on tight. I was thinking of my husband and realized I no longer see only the days of illness. And I don't often go through too many of the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's" anymore. So I wondered, what did Bob teach me? I hate to think any of our spouses lives were for nothing. They left, not only a legacy of love, but some really important messages to us as well.

Bob gave me the gift of unselfish labor. He worked so hard to take care of his family. He was a man of integrity and honor. Those are the things I try to teach my son. He gave me confidence and showed me I was loveable just the way I am. Those are the things I try to teach my daughter. He made me laugh, often. Those are the times I treasure most. He showed us what a real hero is during his illness. That is what I carry in my heart.

Your turn...Kath

Dear Teny,

These days are never easy, so I'm sending a huge amount of hugs to help you through it. In the US, it is a day we honor all souls of our loved ones. I will say a special prayer for Yiany and you that you will find peace and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Love,

Kath

Dear Kat,

One of the hardest parts of my grief journey is worrying about if our children will come through this intact. Bob's only hope after being diagnosed with Hepatitis C was to see them graduate from high school. Well, he didn't even see them enter middle school. So, I worry and I ache and I watch for signs that they are not okay. To grow up without a father, especially one that was so loved by them, can't be easy. It hurts to see our children suffer. That has to be the biggest problem with parenthood. We are too eager to absorb their pain with our own. I believe our spouses can watch over our children still. They can be in places we can't. I rely on that.

I'm sure your husband is extremely proud of your son, but we will always wish they were here to tell them theirselves.

Take good care,

Kath

Dear Teny,

I am sorry this is still so hard. The sadness hit me again this weekend, too. Maybe it's the change of seasons, I don't know. I was telling some people at work about when I first met my husband and the things we would do together. As I drove home, the story continued on in my mind. (I have over an hours drive, so there was a lot of time to think.) I started remembering how when I met Bob, my winter coat was my spring coat with a sweater inside. This was unacceptable to him. Living in Minnesota, it can be quite cold for most of the year, and he strongly believed that if you are going to get out and enjoy it, you have to be dressed for the weather. He bought me warm coats, boots, hats, gloves, and always made sure I was taken care of. I realized, no one else has ever cared about me like he did. I don't know that he made a difference in the lives of a lot of people, but he certainly made a difference in mine. The absence of that love is stifling.

I forced myself to go out tonight with some friends from work. Then I drove home alone. I pray that, someday, this emptiness will leave our hearts.

Kath

I was assigned a befriender from my church. As I sat, numbly saying how much I miss Bob, she asked, "What do you miss most?" She hasn't quit asking and over the last 2+ years, she probably knows him better than any of my family.

Derek,

I am sorry for you and your family. It must be horrible to think someone you love could be in that much pain and not reach for help. I've been told grief is like peeling back an onion. There are all these layers and tears and with each added loss, we return to our first only to grieve at a deeper level. Please know that we love you and care about you and hope you find your way through this pain again.

Kath

Mary Lou,

I felt the same urgency to do this, too, although I have managed to put it off so far. Good luck and God bless you.

Kath

That is really beautiful, Valley. I wish you all the best today as you face Tom's birthday. You two are an adorable couple!

Take good care.

Kath

Wow.

Thanks, Marty.

I think I've said this before on this site, but I'd like to share it again because it really hit home with me. I had read a legend of the Ojibwe in MN and it was custom to mourn the loss of your spouse for a year. After that time, the widow/widower would gather all their loved ones things and have a sort of give-away gathering at their home on the one year anniversary. The whole tribe acknowledged the loss and the life together.

At one year, it seemed fitting for me to give things away. I still have a lot I've hung on to, but it was the passage of time, and possibly tradition, that helped me feel ready to move on.

That is really beautiful. I have to tell you this story because it sort of echoes what the poem says...My son was invited to attend a football tournament out of state. I initially said, "No" because I wouldn't be able to attend and I didn't want him to be the only player without a parent to cheer him on. Well, his heart was set on going and when I told him my reason, he said, "But, Mom, I know Dad will be there!" If only we can have the faith of a child!