Good afternoon, I lost my dad on 11/13/08, exactly 10 years after my mother passed. Both had several health issues and the end was long in coming. My dad had surgery on his back to repair a slipped disc. When he came out of the surgery, we tried to get him to wake up and talk to me. All he could do was to open his eyes and could not speak. I asked the Doctor if he had suffered a stroke and was told no he would be fine. He was moved to ICU the next day. My brothers finally came to visit him. I am the one to always take care of my parents. Dad's Dr. kept saying that he was getting better and I asked for a second opinion. Dad was to have this the next day....that night I got the call from the hospital asking about Dad's request for DNR. I tried to wake up my brothers, no luck, I had to make the call. We rushed to the hospital and an hour later, Dad passed as I held his hand. He opened his eyes briefly and thanked me for being an awesome daughter and friend. Everytime that I think about that I cry. The nurse who was with me said that she thought that dad had gotten and infection from the surgery. Why did I not see that? I wake up every night at 2:30 waiting for that call to come again and can't sleep for the rest of the night. My Mom and Dad always moved with us. Now they are both gone and I don't know what to do. I have read posts here and can see that it is time for me to take care of myself, I don't know how to, my life's focus has always been everyone else. I have been there for 8 uncles, 5 aunts at the end and always take care of the arrangements, I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and the family says get over it, you are the strong one and we need you be strong for us...I have no strength left to give. I am feeling so lost and keeping thinking that I should have done more. I try to hold myself together, but once a week, I just break down and start crying and feel as if I am loosing my mind. All I want to do is play on the computer and am afraid to go out because I may start crying. I did plant a birch tree out in the front of our yard, it was his favorite, everytime I go there to be close to Dad, my heart breaks. With the holidays and my 25th wedding aniversary coming next week, I know that I should be happy, but all I keep thinking is that my Dad will not be here to hug me and send roses. He did this every year. He always took us to Florida this week so that I could be at the ocean as it soothes my soul. He also loved the water and we would just sit and watch the waves with me and my family. My husband and daughter want me to talk to them, but all I do is cry and feel weak, I am suppose to be the strong one and take care of everyone else. My associates at work want me to start doing the happy dance again and laugh...I can't. I know that I grieved after my mother passed, but it did not hurt this bad. Does anyone know what I should do? Thanks for the help. southern eagle.