Babs11

Dusky, I woke up later than I wanted to and had a slight anxiety feeling, so I hopped on to this site..Saw a response and there you were "Bigger than Life" with your enthusiasm and your smile...Suddenly I felt some control...and Yes, I am going to write that book... I am going to look at your links and then get back to you for a "starting point"... and you know what you sounded just like my husband...He always said..."You can do it Babs". Thank you for being here this morning...Life works in magical ways...I too want to work magic for even one person. Thank you from all of us. Babs.

Kat, Why would you ever want to let go of a year that you and your husband walked together? The is what my "Rewind" entry is about, I am consistently replaying everyday I spent with my husband for the last 28yrs (Good and Bad and miss both)...Dealing with the first 4 already is tiring and lonely...and we both know there is going to be so many other occasions that we will have to deal with without our best friends...This is a very hard Journey..Some of us will "MOVE FORWARD...BUT NEVER MOVE ON..we all in time will decide what is best for us for the rest of our lifetimes... You have been through so much....I am only 42 yrs old (which I thought was old) but now feels young thinking about how many years I will go before I see my husband again, and how many more days, years I will go through without him...seems like I am a kid again... ..By you acknowledging the truth on how you feel shows your strength...You don't have to feel complete and looking forward to the future without your husband right now and maybe never if that fits for you ...we just have to figure out how to "Deal" and somedays, weeks, and months we just won't...This site is the best for our good days and our bad...There is no right or wrong to our situations. Hold your Husband close today...he is right there with you... Love and Peace, Babs

Thanks Kath, I am the kind of person (and I guessing from all of your entries that you are all also) that would swerve and go off the road to avoid hitting an animal, or feeling guilty if you did) so not to be able to help someone is horrible. The problem that I have is that my husband laid in bed for a "while" before he was found...If I just didn't go to work that day and insisted that he go to the hospital...I didn't even know he was that sick because it progressed through the day and he never told me.. so when I did see him the last time was not good...I was not prepared, I had no idea..that just couldn't be my husband...and it wasn't he was gone and had been for awhile... Sharon...I can't believe you were on vacation in Mexico? The sun, the fun and being together and that is how it ended for you...I don't even know what to say to this...I am just so sorry. You know "Everyone" what also makes me feel sad? This site has probably been around for awhile and so many people with so many stories and pain were on it and It never crossed my mind when "All was good" that for so many others it wasn't... I read papers, I know of different situations but now to read entries from people across the world that go through this life alteration and I was no where to be found to offer support. It makes me realize I lived in "my own little world".. I am a kind person who thrives to help others but because of my own devastating grief have been taught that I am a small fish in a very big "Ocean" and it is ok.

I often think about, "If I were to write a book right now what would the title be"? The only thing that comes to my mind is "REWIND" (I am going to do this someday so nobody steal my title)! (Ha) . If only I could hit the rewind button and be back at even August 9th, 2009. Normally I couldn't wait to FAST FORWARD, not anymore. Dates have become so significant. Any date before August 10th, 2009 seem so full filling, even if it was a horrible bad day... I just want to rewind so...so...bad... For myself I don't want to let go..I will never let go of any piece of my time with my husband and prior with him just being my boyfriend..We started out very young and have some really crappy times but as we grew older we just let go of all the "stuff" We have always been best friends even when we separated...I was his Babs and he was my Babe...no matter what...Sometimes this life just steps in takes you for a ride in a different direction but you grab a hold of it and get rid of the garbage...When I look back at some of our difficulties they are so small in comparison of how simple things really are...We both had gotten to that point..our son is now 18 and going about his own life...or starting too...We were finding the time to just relax and smile..I see his smile everyday..every hour...every minute... We all have to find a way to deal with the reality of our situations and we will all work to find the Peace we need...for me it will be through Charity work, being a better friend, just listening when someone needs help and holding their hand through bad times...to further my education and secure a better financial situation (which we wanted so much, and was the route of our evil)...I want to bring out more of our times together and be more organized in my home...I want my home to be surrounded with our love...(it is a disorganized mess, from the holidays and everything else that has been going on. He has been gone for 4mos...and I still haven't been able to complete simple tasks..Just trying to work to pay the bills)... I "Hate" the word Move on and can't figure out what that means? I long for the intimacy but only from my partner. I want to keep him as close to me as possible because he give me the strength to keep going and to try to find Peace..I believe since the time we were born we have crossed paths with people who would impact our lives, although we may have not known it then..Now we are in a different boat headed in a whole new direction..and we are connecting with wonderful people who understand us...and who have the unfortunate fate that we do... Kath..the thing that we have in common with families that have lost everything in a fire is that "we can rebuild" It is a preference as to how we decide to do that but the one good thing about losing everything in a fire is hopefully you still have the ones you love the most..I'd walk barefoot and live in a box if I could have my husband back here. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and responded to my entries..I would like to respond back..I have worked some long days lately (as I know you all are having very tiring days also)...I haven't figured out how to update my personal information or add friends..Glad it is a New Year because it will probably take the whole year for me to figure out. I found this website by accident..and in desperation to find some hope...I am so Blessed! Love and Peace, Babs

Sharon, I am so...sorry to hear that..and it was startling because my husband also died of a massive heart attack..He was sick all day...walked our dog...laid down..and passed...I know exactly how you feel...My guilt is the thought, "If we had gone to the hospital, would he have lived"? It is so unreal.. ...I don't know much about anything right now..almost everyday has been a struggle in so, so many ways..things just keep going wrong!!! ...I do know that "They Know" how much we love them and miss them..they do know...If there was ever a doubt there is not one now...they absolutely do know how much we loved and continue to love them... I really am sorry that you are experiencing this whole thing...I say it to so many people when I hear of their loss and pain and all the other feelings coming with it...I honestly do not wish Anyone to feel this...it is so hard.. Thank you for your kind words, they mean so much to me. Love and Peace, Babs.

Whether it is New Years, Christmas, Valentines Day, Your Birthday, Their Birthday, Anniversaries or just another day.....I wish you all, "One Day, One Hour, One Minute" of feeling like your "Usual Self" where you beamed just because you were in Love and your life felt complete....When time was on your side....Not today but everyday I hope you are able to spend it without feeling loss and grief...; ...so here is to...Yesterday...Today...and Tomorrow... ......A Toast to the beautiful Rainbow you and your partner have created...A toast to the bonds that You have created and will carry with You to the next level where you will be able to continue to build upon.. Best of Luck...and know so many people care...and they care about "Who" your missing the most on this day and forward... Love and Peace, Babs. ***To the Beloved Ones who are not "Physically" here with us on this night. "We Love you, We Honor You and We Cherish your Love for Us and All that you have Done", "Thank you" and "God Bless", "Love and Peace Forever through-Eternity".xxoo.***

Linda, I have seen your entries and I know you a very spiritual and I believe you said you are or becoming a minister? I am spiritual and since the death of my husband who was 43yrs old (and a very strong man with a strong presence) I have a had a few "unusual" things happen..kind of unbelievable..but this helps me Know there is more than this life. Today I am having doubts and scared and wondering where my husband is and is he ok.. and does he feel sad and so on....I know you have no definite answers for there being an "after life" but do you have any inspiring words or ideas about this? Having slight "panic attacks" today..I can't believe he is gone..I see him EVERYWHERE. Babs.

Hi, Kat My husband died of a Massive Heart Attack on August 10th, 09. This has been so overwhelming. I had to work today a 12hr shift and all day long all I could think about was my husband (I do everyday).. but like you said today seems worse than yesterday..I just wanted to cry..They had music on and was almost to much...I feel so bad for everyone feeling this kind of grief..I feel robbed to..my husband was 43 yrs old and the love of my life and best friend. I completely understand how you feel. I hope you have a peaceful evening. Love and Peace. Babs (my husbands' nickname for me)