Babs11

Hi, I was listening to a stupid show for background noise while I finished up tonight and a song played within the show.. I can't remember who sings it (still dealing with some dementia)!...I think "Foreigner"??...says.. .."I just want to keep loving you because it is the only thing I knew..I don't want to sleep..I just want to keep on loving you".. ..I love my Son, My Mom and my Family so much..but I just want to "Keep Loving Him" where Spousal Love is concerned Dave was and is the only thing I truly know...I can't let him go.. I wrote this because in a previous entry we were talking about Music...didn't want to hear any then I did and It said everything I feel.. Love and Peace, Babs.

Hi, Korina and Everyone, Again we all have something in common..So many things we have to deal with and try so hard to be brave and strong for ourselves and our families but deep within we suffer..We all just miss the most simplest of things.. the calls during the day, looking forward to going home... Korina you are so strong..you now have to go back to work, your beautiful baby is going to a new day care and you and your Scott would be working this out together...now it is you but with your husband pushing you forward... We move forward but it seems like we never stop looking back..for that call..that laugh...that talk..that intimacy..to share our day..our life.. ...I hope you all get that call..that email..that voice... SWEET DREAMS... Love and Peace, Babs

Lucia Abeytia, What a bond you and your family have...to be together to share your beliefs and to have the adventures and strengths that you had as a couple and a family. I would say you both had your true love...the one that walks the same path... I don't think there is anything wrong with missing your True Love... ...our tears bring new love to flowers that may have never bloomed...God Bless You and Your Husband...and your Children.. Love and Peace, Babs

Bren, You just did offer comfort and support.. ..I have only been on this site for a few months..I found it by accident..and I found it on a very dark day..My family doesn't even know how Dark things became for me..This site pulled me through..and I will continue to utilize it's strength..because I need that..This is knew to me also..and don't feel funny when you say that you broke down.. I went to walk my dog in the park the other night and I felt overwhelmed and sobbed beyond control..But I read the entries and they save me.. You have friends from all over the world here. Love and Peace, Babs

Sherry, I admire you also..You are One Brave Women..No matter what you decide to do you are right, Don't Ever Be Hard on Yourself....That is a Pioneering move as far I am concerned..While you are at the Coast you should try to read the book "Follow the River" by James Alexander Thom, Author of "Warrior Women"..it is a true, inspiring book dating back to 1755..(but sounds like your staying busy..that is Awesome) Your Husband is more than proud of you - He is Beaming with Admiration of your Strength.. ..I wish for you everyday full of Sunshine and Warmth.. Love and Peace, Babs

First of All Bren, I am sorry that your Husband died of Cancer that is extremely hard to go through for all..Every day is hard but today you were overwhelmed with emotion as Draining as Crying is we just can't avoid it at times..You needed the day for yourself and maybe tonight some sleep and have a slightly better day tomorrow..We all put on a Brave face I do all the time...because everyone else around me is in a whole different story and at this time it is not the one about Coping with Loss and Loneliness. I also feel more "Short Tempered" especially with Everyday people I pass on the way.. It is mean to say but when I see people who are so ignorant, who could care less about the next guy in line or run you down to be the first..I feel so angry with my situation..I say so many times to my Husband, "Are you kidding me David you left me Here with this"?.. and I just don't have the tolerance I use to...Maybe because he would be the one I would comment to and we would have some smart off the wall remark to make.. You know the saying "I crack myself up", It gets old sometimes.. There are ALOT of Good People in this World though. I just don't have alot of patience for the ones who aren't anymore.. ...Example as I write..I live in an apartment on the 1st Floor, New Neighbors seem to forget there is a 1st Fl..Guess they think they are suspended in Mid Air...They like to use their floor as a Trampoline, Guess they havent' figured out there are NO Springs in Floors so the Stomping, Shaking and Thudding goes on and on...I think when my Husband passed I secretly turned into a Dragon disguised by Human Form..Because alls I want to do now is SPIT FIRE!!! Seize the moment to have One Laugh even if it is brief.. everyday..Your Husband will be right there Cracking Up with you.. If you wake up and feel upset and out of sorts try to get on this website and post or just read..It may help you get through the day. Our Entire Lives have changed and can't figure out what to do next either..Truthfully don't want to do ANYTHING without him..but that is not an option. I hope you have Sweet Dreams tonight. Love and Peace, Babs.

Hi, John It is really good that you are reaching out right now..You need to talk about how you feel and just hearing kind and supportive words may help if only for a little while..It seems we all try to do what we have to do to get through until the next "episode" arrives. Maybe what is happening is with more time passing since you have lost your Wife is the Realization that no matter what you feel or need you can not bring her back..Not having any control is confusing, scary and clausterphobic.. I also feel an unbearable amount of loneliness most of the time..We have an Eighteen Year Old who will graduate this year so whether I like it or not I have to keep moving. We also have a Shepard who we walked "Several" times a day sometimes alone and sometimes together depending on our schedules..but knowing now he will never be with me on those walks makes it unbearable at times (especially now that it is so cold) I have to walk him everyday..that is a lot of walks from August to the future when our Shepard is no longer here by myself.. The walks were when we did a lot of our talking and planning and working out things and the best was just laughing and "flirting"! Yeah this is very..lonely..Everywhere I go is a place we have been and I am constantly in "Rewind Mode" thinking of what we were talking about or Laughing about at that time. Just like so many on this site, My Husband and I had a Great Chemistry, Even our fights were exciting. I still wake up Everyday and say "Here we go Again, Another Day Without Him"! yuh.. My Husband always said, "You have to have an answer for everything" He was right I do..So this is a very hard subject because for once I don't have ANY answers and I don't like it! For now John, Just keep reaching out when ever you need to.Say whatever your feel..Pretending you do or don't feel a certain way will not help the process of just coping..Whatever you feel just say it! I don't always have alot of strenght but what I do have I will send your way.. Love and Peace, Babs

Hi, Sharon Your ideas our Awesome and it is Great that Your Son and You Can Cherish Them..Thank you for Sharing ways to continue to Keep the Love of Our Spouses Close to Us...Some of Us Are Still Trying to Figure it Out so your Ideas do Help.... I try to laugh now but inside I hurt deeply...My husband and I both tried to bring out the best in the worst situations..A lot is going to happen this year with out his "Physical" Being... I just want to turn around a sad day to a Peaceful day for Our Son when He Graduates..I hope my Son and I enjoy the Closeness in the future also. Love and Peace, Babs

Hi, Sharon You are so creative and thoughtful... To create a book for you Grand Child about Their Grandfather..Your Husband is proud of you..He said, "You pulled through again, Sharon". The Quilt is such a beautiful Idea..and You have giving me a new Idea to hold my Husband close...Our Son graduates from High School in June and I would love to do a "Grown Up version of a book for him along with some kind of Quilt or Frame for Him of His Dads...This is so beautiful..and now a thought to the future that breaks my heart can maybe become so Beautiful...Thank you for sharing.. Any Ideas on How you started your Book I would appreciate... Love and Peace, Babs

Oh My God Kat, ...You have done it again...Just wanted to "Blat" so bad when I read this but not from Sadness from Relief... Everything that I figured out till now or try to Believe was just confirmed...I am completely mesmerized by this poem...and my sadness was starting to kick in but now I can turn it back to BELIEF...Thank you so much for sharing this...I have to walk our dog now so I will be talking to my Husband about this poem (won't feel so lonely now)... ..I can't believe that I start to feel like I am going to "Break" and come on this site and find the Courage and Strength I need to Keep Moving... God Bless "Ruth Ann Mahaffey" for her Incredible Insight and Spirituality...and to You for Caring and Understanding us to bring it Forward.. ..I can't even believe this poem..I feel like I just got the "Phone Home Call" ...WOW!!! Takes my Breath Away..but only to catch the next. Love and Peace, Kat Babs

Ted, Your wife is not in the ground and she never was...that is a place for you to go...a memorial..You are right she is in Heaven surrounded by love and continuing to Love You and Your Families.. ...I am glad that you found relief from that... We thank you too for your support and prayers...This is a Hard Journey that a lot of us were not ready for and through support of family and friends and acquaintances we meet along the way we try so hard to find the best in the very most unknown situations...We are also guided....I am glad that your day looked brighter. Love and Peace Babs

Sharon, ...They are not coincidences...Your Son spent Time with His Dad...Your Husband is a very Loving Man.. Love and Peace, Babs

Thank You Dusky, When I get to the starting point I will be getting back to you....You Hit it Straight on the Nail...I want to create a legacy for My Husband because He Will Always Be A Live To Me.. and more than Ever I want to Hit the Rewind Button, Not Just Hit it But Speed Dial It!.. Love and Peace, Babs

Kath, Thank you for the response to Kat2005's: I Need a Handy Man... ..I am sorry that you had to make the decision to take your Husband off of Ventilation..What a very difficult decision to have to make...Your "Sheriff" (Your Husband) has been the one to award your Daughter and you the Badge of Courage and Honor..and He will Continue to make sure you Both wear it even one your hardiest days..You have a Great Man.!.. ..Thank you for acknowledging our strengths and courage also... ..I read it on Every entry....We are trying so Hard..and We want to Inspire...to Vent...to ask for Help...and just to say, "Does anyone understand what I am Saying or how I Feel"? This is the Trickiest Role I've Ever Played..All of Us. ..Thank you for KNOWING We Have These Amazing Loves In Our Lives and They Also Saw Our Integrity... We Our Survivors and Our Husbands and Wives are Too...And We Will Continue To Work Together to Honor Our Badges... ps..Need My Handy Man too..Should have put Plastic up on Windows over Two Months Ago..Just got the Heating Bill (yuh)! Thank you, Love and Peace. Babs

Ok, This is alittle out there for some and I tried to reserve on saying to much about it...but.... I believe they can come back to us and we can "Time Travel" (If we are open to it) ...I believe Sharon3s son was actually riding a bike with his Dad and because it was a "visit" I believe it even more... I saw my husband in an illuminated stage when he first passed and within that visit we both knew there was no turning back..it was solemn but not hysterical...Now our times together are more "Human form" I see his face and his whole body but within that time together we both recognize that he is not here on Earth..We have laughed and feel very peaceful...when he leaves I don't cry...I just know he has to go for now but will be back...It's ok to see them for they are "here" (just like the poem, they communicate differently now).. they understand we prefer the verbal because it is easier and more comfortable...Him and I will always work together but just differently now..I look forward to seeing him...When I don't is when I feel off balance, more alone and definitely more sad and at loss..When I am with him I feel the humor arise from me.. The Poem came from our beloved and they want us to know...Believe.. (please know I in know way think this is cool or comforting that they are not here and we now have to work harder to feel their love...I much rather have that smile, wink and the words, "Hi, Babs how is your day going"? Walk the Walk and Talk the Talk and most of all that Kiss..It all began with that Kiss!) Love and Peace, Babs

THE POEM IS UNDER: IF I COULD JUST PHONE HOME. Kat, That poem is so beautiful! I hold on to every word of it because I truly believe in Soul Mates never separating and also that there is so much more than we know.. I am tired and struggle very much today...To go to work..pretend...and move through this day without revealing to much grief to the people that I have to be around.. ..To be able to finally be home from work and read something so Sincere and Peaceful before bed was so much needed. I Cherish this Poem..I felt so disconnected today...but "He" again found a way to connect..and through your Love. Love and Peace Everyone, Everyone the Poem speaks the truth...BELIEVE.... Babs

What a great Topic! So many people can relate to this... ...We didn't have a huge group of outside friends...we had acquaintances and work friends but were both Home Bodies so we spent a lot of time having conversations with each other...so now the person I talk to most can't verbally respond...so I spend a lot of time talking to myself...I am really starting to get sick of hearing myself and wish he'd pipe in at any time and say "Enough Already"! ... ...I thought maybe I would try to drive God Nuts and he will send him back to me because he can't take it anymore... Love and Peace, Babs

Hi, I needed to see it..Had to or no matter what would not believe it..My husband was to much of a strong force here and worked his way through Anything like a Bull...had to see it. Love and Peace, Babs

We had my husband cremated..he passed very quickly and unexpectedly but David and I had many conversations about whether we wanted to be buried or cremated..We didn't really get much past that point...but I least I knew that was the right choose for him...It was very weird at first, bringing the Ashes home..The whole sensation of it and the realization of it...We had talked about spreading our Ashes out to Sea for we both have a Love for the Ocean. Our family was going to take a trip on His Birthday in September (also his Mom's) to Maine.. but decide to wait...for some reason I felt it wasn't time to let them go yet...From that decision came my next...I have chosen to wait and when it is my time to pass to have myself cremated and then "Merged with His"...The next chose will be my Sons' as to whether he would like to do the same...When I know his decision we will decide how are Ashes will be freed... The things that we have had to deal with, think about and finalize are beyond any words...We somehow feel it and know it is the right thing to do....I guess that I believe we are lead to our answers by God, Our Loved ones and our Spirit Guides... ...Through this long, tiring and troublesome road that we now walk we need to see the "Light" and we need carry on our Spouses Spirit "Here on Earth" with however we feel Peace...Because when we feel Peace..They feel Peace... Love and Peace Everyone and Our Families. Babs

Sharon, You crack me up! You sounded just like my husband when you said, "The Idiot" To...Funny!! Thanks Babs

Sharon, Talk about OMG!!! ....You should have asked him to hold while you put him on a conference call with God.... Love and Peace, Babs

Hi Everyone, How was your day? Exactly, There are people who don't understand. Who tells someone that, "They are young enough to find someone else" after such a HUGE LOSS?...I think some people just talk to hear their own selves... So Here is another one for you all... ...On the same day I read the entry from (I believe Susie Q) about being young enough to find another person....I was privileged to speak to an acquaintance on the phone and it goes like this.... ..I had heard that this person lost someone that they knew so I offered condolences and then she asked me if my husband had passed recently so I said, "Yes" and the conversation headed this way... She started to say, "You" and then changed it to "I" (her), "Need to Thrive to be more positive because you never know"?... "Ok" the lights start flashing.. First of all, "I Do Know"! "HELLO"....and yeah I get your "underlying" message.... ...I AM NEGATIVE....I thought just being able to get out of bed and put on clothes today was a positive move...but guess I am wrong...Then I was enlightened with the words that this is going to be a better year..."Ok" I'll play along....(really just want to hang up on her at this point..but do want to be considered a negative person)... ..So I talk about how in the summer my Husband and I find trails to walk with with our dog and that it will be hard to do by myself... but thank god for the "Devils Advocate" and am told I can join a Hiking Group to share in my joy of the outdoors!... "Ok" (again)...I didn't say I was a "Professional Hiker" just that we liked to walk with our dog.... ..I can see it now...I am climbing the "Peaks" with a group of Twenty to Thirty who dedicate their lives to doing this...They are making ground on that Mountain...Here I am.. Huffing and Puffing and lagging behind and calling up every Five minutes or so... "Just keep going I am Fine"!! and our Dog is running in every direction peeing on everything....It sounds relaxing to me...Thank God for Good Advice!.. ..Forgot to ask before we hung up if there was a Blueberry Picking Group... ....I am trying to find some humor in this because I haven't laughed in months...My Husband and I laughed alot and I miss it so much.... I agree with so many entries on this site and it has helped me so much... also...I have noticed I have become, "One of those people", Spend all day talking to myself now! Love and Peace, Babs ps. Dusky...going to try to write a book but don't want to sign it..Disorganized Mess with Dementia Who Talks to herself Lady..... ...We all have something worth saying and our Partners are saying, "You Can Do It"!

Hi, Sharon, Kat and Everyone, I totally relate to your comments on Kat2005's - Not wanting to let go of 2009. Approximately two weeks after my husband passed I was back at work and a co-worker came up and sat at my desk.... ..As she was nodding her head at me she smiled and said, "SO ARE YOU BETTER"?..... ...As I was trying to process those words I suddenly felt like was in the exorcist movie and my head was going to start to spin around and around and fire was going to come spitting out of my mouth.... ...I was thinking, "Are you kidding me"? "I don't even know where I have been for the last three weeks other than in some stupor and can't even comprehend how I got here today"????... ...so as I tried to compose my self I replied, "Oh yeah, I went down to the local Drug Store and picked me up some of those Grief stricken, Shock and Pain Pills, I doubled up on them so I can Kick Start the Feel Better Process" ... (are you Kidding me)! Needless to say my co-worker did not speak to me for the rest of the day..So much for Hugs and Kisses... ..As the fire was going out around me I heard my Husbands "Roaring Laughter" and in my ear said, "Good one Babs, Good one". At least I made one person Happy that day!!! ..So Sharon, you are right...Lower the expectations of the people who don't get it or just can't.. and if all else fails...Just spin your head around and spit fire...that should eliminate any aggravating conversations for you...Good Luck! Love and Peace, Babs.

Susie Q, I guess the words "letting go" can mean many things to different people. I believe we don't let go of the pain, it lets go of us...We all know that we have to go forward now and that we still have many people that love us and who we love and cherish...We found pleasures before the ones we lost and we continue to find pleasures and the future will further "Bloom" new pleasures and love...I lived a life before my husband and will continue to do so until my time is called but that doesn't mean I don't feel the emptiness because I do and always will...I don't want to get rid of all the pain because of such great love I feel the pain...Without the love there would be no pain. God Bless. Peace and Love, Babs.