Hi Cali, I am really sorry about your sister. I also lost my younger brother a year ago, he was just 24 years old and he also died unexpectedly. I don’t want to say that I do understand you, but in some ways I do relate with what you are saying, my brother was doing his OE planning to go in a trip to Asia, he was full of plans, he was healthy and happy and suddenly he was gone. I cannot measure the pain of losing someone you love, I lost my father when I was a child and recently my grandma, all different experiences, because of the time and circumstances. I miss them all, but my brother was supposed to grow older with me, he was supposed to be the cool and funny uncle of the kids one day I will have, I was supposed to go to his graduation, we were supposed to get mum angry or just laugh at her latest occurrences, we were supposed to make fun of our sister, they were supposed to complot against me, the eldest one. I think it hurts different because my brother has share my life in a more honest and sincere relationship, that relationship that will allow us to hate and love each other in a matter of seconds. And in some way we are born with the feeling that a brother or sister is going to be there with us to share our lives, because that is was its expected. But I saw my brother in a casket at his early 24, that was not supposed to happen; I saw my mum with her heart broken, and my sister crying over the little one of the family. That was not supposed to happen, but what is and what is not supposed to happen? I know now that nothing is what we think it should be, life has showed me that there is nothing I should give for granted and that there is not a supposed life I have to live.
What people says, what people thinks about how I am dealing with this, well, that is up to them; they are the ones that are still believing that life is supposed to be in a way, what is called ‘normal’. I was like that, and I also forgot about other people’s pain, I wish we could all be aware that everybody has his/her owns ways to walk in this life and respect them, that is the only thing I would like: respect and acknowledgement of the moment I am going through. I don’t want sympathy, nor comfort or understanding from people that cannot feel what I am feeling, because they are not me, because every grief is different and because we are all different. I believe this is a path we have to walk alone because at the end the pain is inside us and we have to learn to be able to feel it, to live with it; I am just trying now to make peace with my grief and being capable to cry alone, with my husband, with a friend, with my mum, with my sister; and feel that there is respect, that I respect my pain and grief, and that they do It as well.
I send you then the only thing I can give you, my respect and my acknowledgment and peace.