missyme

Mike, My heart breaks for you and I know your pain. My brother, John, died on January 8, 2010. He was 36 years old with a pretty similar history to your brother's. I hear in your post a sadness for the type of life your brother lived. I feel that too. Our parents went through a nasty divorce when we were young and I think my brother definitely needed our Dad who wasn't there for him. It's been 8 weeks today since I lost my brother and I am just now starting to feel like I will be ok. I don't think it hurts any less but I think you get more used to how bad it hurts. One thing I know is that there is so much pain in addiction and they are not hurting any more. I will pray for you. Michelle

I lost my brother on January 8, 2010. He was 36 years old. He has a 16 year old son. Before I lost my brother I used to be the person saying to those who lost a loved one "we cry for ourselves cause they are in heaven at peace out of pain". So many people have said that to me too lately however I find myself thinking THERE BETTER BE A HEAVEN. It makes me SO angry that my brother died. I feel like he never had a chance at happiness and then his life was cut so so short. I am just SO SO ANGRY. I know my Mom is finding great comfort in her faith and she has not a doubt in her mind that Johnny is with Jesus. I am jealous of her peace. I prayed for my brothers pain to end for years and years - is this the answer to my prayers? I am just so lost and hurt. I look back on the past 8 weeks and they are a blur. I have no patience for my family for my job for myself. I never imagined losing a sibling at this age and I have never felt this way before. My oldest brother has completely shut himself down and won't even talk about Johnny with me - that makes me sad because a sibling relationship is unique and I think that Joe would relate more than anyone how I'm feeling. He too had the experience of growing up with my brother. Anyway - the great calm and peace I thought I would feel from my faith has failed me.

One more thought....I wish so badly that I had someone in my life that was comfortable with me sobbing like I need to and talking about the things that are giving me nightmares. My blind Granmda who nearly tried to climb into my brothers casket. The almost inhuman noise one of my cousins made when we had to leave. These things need to be said outloud and there is not a single person that I can talk to about them.

I lost my brother on January 8. I work shift work where we rotate so I work with a different group every 2 months. I feel the same way. People either say "how are you doing" and I want to say "certainly not ok" or they don't say anything at all and that's almost worse. I spoke to my aunt the other day and said it is amazing to me that people will still talk to me about their "problems" which don't seem like problems to me at all anymore. I think that too many people aren't in touch with their own feelings and ours can scare them. The kind of raw grief that I saw at my brothers wake scared me and I was going through it with them. It's too bad that we aren't better at loss.

Thanks for the support. I probably will discuss with him what happened today and why it needed to happen. I feel like he thinks my grief is indulgent. When he lost his mother he was back at work the next day. I have been keeping it together for everyone around me who is in shock and hurting and I think this morning I just didn't have it in me. It is not at all like me to miss work, ever. But I have heard of people taking "mental health days" for far less than this. I just feel like his lack of support and the tension between us took away the benefit I would have felt from taking a time out today.

I have been dragging myself through each day since I lost my brother. I know I am not myself but am trying to stay focused at home and at work. This morning it caught up with me and I literally couldn't get out of bed. I called in sick and stayed in bed all day. I honestly couldn't face the day. Everyone in my life tells me to take care of myself. My husband, however, is now angry with me, saying that calling in sick and staying in bed all day is "dysfunctional". What do you think?

I too am new to grief this devastating. I lost my brother on January 8, 2010. My brother was 36 years old and has a 16yo son. I have been sleepless and restless angry and sad. I can only say that we are lucky to have a community to come to and to give words to the pain that we are feeling. It gives comfort to know that others have been through and survived this grief. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thanks for the support...it does help to have somewhere to go. I feel like the people around me think I should be "fine" by now since it's been 6 weeks. That may be a long time for them but for me it's still very fresh. I miss my brother....... I can tell when people ask how I am doing that they really only want to hear "ok" or "fine". They have no desire to hear that I cry every single day and that doing anything feels like a HUGE task.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I cannot pay attention at my job and I am not myself when I interact with people. I have no patience for my husband or my 4 yo. As a result I feel guilty all the time about how I am acting and I really don't need another thing to feel bad about. My counselor thinks that I should think about some sleeping pills but that makes me nervous because my family has a history of addiction. I have not been able to listen to my voicemail because I knew there were messages from my brother on it....today I finally had to listen and THE MESSAGES ARE GONE....they deleted themselves because of how many messages were on the phone I guess. It is making me so sad that I won't be able to hear my brothers voice again...that was my last "live" tie to him. I know this is rambling....I am just completely lost in grief. I don't want this to have happened to me and I don't understand this at all......

i understand what both of you are saying. i know that my head is not "in it" anywhere in my life. i have plans to take my daughter for a "craft date" with a good friend this afternoon and have been dreading it since yesterday. i just want to sleep and forget for now. i am going to take my daughter though and keep trying......

If I only knew that it was the last time I was going to see you I would have hugged you longer. If I only knew that it would be our last conversation I would have never hung up. I would have told you how much you have meant to me all my life. I would have told you how smart I have always thought you were and how it amazed me that you had the answer to every question I ever asked and you never made me feel inferior for having to ask. I would have told you how much I admired your quiet strength. And that growing up in the same house I knew how hard it was and I shared your hurts. I would have told you how thankful I was to you all these years. How generous and selfless you were. Most of al I would have told you how much I love you and how much I really would miss you if you were gone. And how terrible it ill be for all of us without "Johnny". And how much I really need my brother. And that I'll never be the same

THis experience is making me think that grief is like a stairway and on each stairway there are things that need to be addressed. I am so devastated for my daughter that she lost her favorite uncle. There is a type of love that he offered that she will grow up without and it devastates me. Each day a thought like this will pop up for me. He will never know his grandchildren. He won't be with me when we lose our parents. He's NOT ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE ANYMORE and it takes my breath away. I am praying for you and all of us that have lost our siblings......the pain is more than I ever expected and I hear you.

Thanks for all the support. It is 4 weeks today that I lost my John. I don't feel like doing anything right now - I am just still so sad that it feels like getting through the day takes all that I have. I feel for both of you - it is a unique loss. My brother knew me as who I really am has seen me grow as I saw him. We share parents and memories and it is a huge loss.

John, I can't imagine the pain surrounding you. I recently lost my brother and we are waiting to find out the cause of death. There are NO answers and the plan doesn't always make sense. The only thing I can tell you is what I have been told which is that although it never gets any easier it does become more familiar. Which I hope to mean that we will always love and miss them but the pain won't be so acute taking our breath away forever. All that I can do for you is offer prayer...... Michelle

Ron B. Thank you....the pain right now takes my breath away as I'm sure it does you sometimes. My faith is being tested...I can't understand the plan or wisdom here at all. It is strange because when others suffered profound loss I felt very secure telling them that we cry for ourselves because the person we lost is no longer hurting. I still feel that is true but selfishly wish my brother was still here instead of in the joyful place where he now resides. I appreciate the prayers and I'll do the same for you. Michelle

The last time I spoke to my brother John was January 7, 2010. We didn't talk long, I was on my way in the grocery store and he was driving home from work. The next morning when I woke there were messages from my Dad and my other brother. John had passed away early that morning from unkown causes. I just cannot believe it. My brother was only 36 years old. My family is devastated. I feel so badly for my parents. My Mom because she was so close to him. My Dad because he was never the father he should have been to us and I am sure he feels guilty. My brother left behind a 16 year old son. I don't have the words to comfort my family. I don't have the words to make myself believe this is true. I still have voice mail messages on my phone from him and text messages that he sent this month. I have always had a strong Christian faith but now I find myself saying "there better be a Heaven" because I can't imagine that my brothers life which was more difficult than it had to be would end before he had the chance to find peace if there is nothing after this. I cry every night and have trouble sleeping. I have been having dreams that this really didn't happen. I miss my brother so much I regret not spending more time with him and all the times I rushed off the phone cause I had other things to do. I don't even know how to do this....