niamh

hi Cynthia,

I am so sorry about your Mom and all the pain you have now. Also so sorry for your medical problems now aswell, my heart goes out to you.

I don't know what it's like, I lost my Dad suddenly just before Christmas so I can't begin to comprehend your pain with your Mom.

But WELCOME to this site, it is my lifeline with my grief these days. The kindness and care from everyone here sharing their stories, their pain etc. I hope you may find some small comfort just knowing you are not as alone as you might think. Though each of us has a unique story, unique grief, unique pain you will find people can relate to you, can relate to your feelings and do so WITHOUT JUDGEMENT,without trying to "fix" you.

While nothing makes it easier for me, nothing takes away my pain and loneliness, I do find some comfort to just know someone else feels similar things to me.

I wish i had words of advice for you, I wish i knew what to say but I don't think there are any words when it comes to this. So I will send you lots of love and hugs and I hope you keep sharing here,

niamh

xox

thanks for sharing Christine, your Mom sounds so amazing and I'm sorry for all our pain like loulou said

wednesday hugs to everyone!

niamh

xo

hi Christine,

WOW what a dream, I don't know what you believe but do you think it was maybe a "visit" from your Mom ....did you feel any bit of comfort when you woke. I've heard of people having dreams that they call visits and feel somehow comforted a little by them. Your dream sounds like that to me.

I long for such a dream of my Dad. I've had maybe 3 dreams but they've been more like a longing for him, where he comes home and I realise it was all a mistake, he didn't leave but then I wake with the most horrific fright and fear.

I wish so much he would come to me somehow, I long for a "real" sign that I know he's here still with me somehow.

hugs to you hun

niamh

xo

thank you for such kind words KayC, I too am sorry for yours. I see every single day how it affects my Mom and I wish I could take her pain away but just like me I know there is nothing I can do to "fix" her. We just about keep each other going these days. I hope she will see brighter days someday

niamh

hi Marty,

thank you for this post. I will assume like everything else with grief that there is no timeline for these feelings.

I'll be honest, sometimes I feel I shouldn't even post on the loss of husband or partner section. During all my time of reading about grief, looking for sites early on I did see some people compare losses (not on this site) ...and get annoyed by people like me feeling so bad because it's my Dad and not a husband/life partner etc and they just didn't go through the same thing with their parents so it's made me very conscious of it, conscious of replying to those people missing a partner/husband for fear of annoying them because my grief is for my Dad and also not wanting to get hurt or have my grief minimised. (Again, this has not happened here on this site, I want to emphasise that)

But this time it's just SO close to my heart .....like I said to Suzanne, these words can be pulled straight from me, not wanting to live,fully believing my life is over, happiness is gone forever and just simply wanting to go be with my Dad and waiting and hoping for that day to not be another lifetime away. (I'm only 35 and just don't want to have to live 30+ years without him, 5 months has already been far too long)

I do share these feelings with my dearest friends on here and am forever grateful for them and their compassion and true understanding but I've stopped talking about it to most of my friends at home now. I know they hate to hear me speak like this, I know it hurts them and even though they know I would never ever do anything but at times I'm told "don't say that", "don't think like that", "I won't let you talk of that" but I can't help it and I don't want somebody trying to change my feelings. These feelings are "normal" to me, to my situation (at least that's what I think!!), there was no part of my life my Dad was not involved in on a daily basis so no matter where I go, what I do he's missing from everywhere and everything I do.

Anyways, Suzanne, I apologise, I don't mean to hog your post, it just really hit such a raw nerve with me and wanted to reply to Marty's post also. Much hugs again to you

thanks

niamh

Suzanne, I just want to send you some (((HUGS))). everytime I read your posts I feel like you took the words straight from my head and heart. I don't have words to comfort, I don't have advice but I can just let you know that I can relate to some of your feelings, yes our stories are very different but I see my feelings, my reactions in your posts.

so much love and hugs to you, it's all I have

niamh

Rory, I am sorry for you also, yep I think that's exactly it, people's expectations change as time goes on and it slips further away in their minds but not mine. thanks for taking the time to reply to me with such kindness.

SHeiss, no need at all for apologies hun. Yep I know what you mean, those cliches hurt so bad and it's frustrating to hear because as you say there just are no words. But just your post saying you thought of me means so much. I often think now saying "I don't know what to say" means so much more than trying to find the right words when there are none.I know my attitude to others in grief is forever changed and so much more compassionate and understanding now (at least I think and hope so )

Chai, yep I still wonder how it all happened and feel so shocked. Yesterday seemed worse than 4 months actually for some reason,I don't know why .... I felt like it just happened all over again. thank you also for your kind words, for sharing your story and your journey with us.

Jodi, thank you hun, yep I don't know what would have happened if I didn't have people who relate.

Daughter2010, thank you also for everything. I will wish he was here everyday until I see him again. I too sometimes don't cry as much but the pain is always their, the immense sadness always in my heart. it is a relief sometimes when the tears do come.

thank you all so much for the kind words, the support, just knowing someone thinks about you on such a day means so much to me, it's the smallest gestures now that touch my heart, the hugs, the "i'm thinking of you"s. It just amazes me that we all bond, having never met, never knowing each other yet here we all come together sharing our stories with such love and care.

Sending each of you a (((((HUGE HUG OF THANKS AND LOVE))))))

niamh

xox

WOW, thank you all so much for sharing. Each of our Dads and Moms are just so amazing, IT'S JUST NOT FAIR trying to live without so much, it's just so hard and so unreal!

I just hope there's a little get together going on somewhere with our Dads and Moms laughing and joking and chatting about us all and I just can't wait to be part of it someday.

lots of love and hugs to you all

niamh

xox

aw Shelley, you are having such a hard time. I am sorry for the bullying but once you know it's his problem and not yours, how dare he treat you like that and how dare he blame you for the things that break down, I'm sorry you have to deal with crap like that, you have more important things to be dealing it. I just hope you don't blame yourself for any of those things breaking, it happens and I guess when things are down don't you feel sometimes that it just snowballs and everything seems to go wrong, I know I do

And I'm sorry you don't get to see your dog now, that's unfair of your brother to stop you like that. It's your choice about driving and if you don't want to, you don't have to. Your brother should just come pick you up and bring you over for a visit. I wish you had full support from your family. Could you take a bus or something to go visit your dog....I bet a good cuddle with such a loyal best friend there might cheer you up a little.....just some unconditional love from your dog.

But hopefully counselling will help you all with it all and I think it is already. I guess it just takes time and you have so much to deal with its baby steps, dealing with it all piece by piece. You are already getting there from what we all see here so you just keep on going and keep on talking to us here when you feel like it.

((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))

ni

xx

Loulou and 2sweetgirls, THANK YOU so much, obviously I didn't mean anyone here, should have clarified that *LOL*, not a word from my friends at home or family ... oh well, I will always remember myself.

I had such a surreal feeling coming home from work, I guess because it's a specific date and part of my mind actually thought, you should be here for this Dad .....almost like it was something else to be remembered, weird!!! yep I'm there with you lou, it's the finality of it all just doesn't seem possible to understand and not being able to control it or change it. I just can't get that he's NEVER coming back to me.

I can see a little now when people say it can get harder later on around these times....like you say others are "over it" now, we'll never be over it....learn to live with it maybe ....well actually we are already living it, but as for being happy again, WOW seems as impossible as Dad walking in the front door to me.

am home now in comfies ( comfy clothes )at last, the day went a little faster than I thought in work so now I just sit here stunned again trying to process it, it's almost like it's just happened all over again

I don't think I will ever have enough thanks for everyone here, just knowing someone else truly understands comforts me,

lots of love to you both my dearest friends,

ni

xox

so it's been 5 months today since my Dad was taken from me. Nothing much new to say here really I just want to tell someone. Doesn't seem like anyone else has remembered which kinda hurts .....well actually it hurts really bad, how easy it is for people to forget.

Time has moved on for everyone else I guess but the truth is MY WORLD is still stopped, the bottom is still gone from it so I hang on by a thread.

Today is a big deal to me, the pain is as raw today as it was on Dec 17th. Except on that day I could still touch my Dad and altho he was cold, couldn't talk to me, I could still hug him, I could still kiss him, today I have nothing and it just hurts so bad.

I'm so sick of it, 5 months, it's NOTHING yet it's a lifetime without my Dad and I don't know how to do longer. I am trying so hard to just do this day by day but time creeps up and sometimes I can't help thinking ahead and getting scared of things like Christmas.

Sometimes nothing feels real, I've been telling myself a lot these last few days that "YES THIS IS REAL,YES THIS IS HAPPENING" because I just feel so shocked still at times asking how the heck did all this happen.

So for now I just sit in work looking "ok" and nobody knows the crushing pain in my heart right now, I want to just be on my own,lie on my own bed and just cry for my Daddy,cry for my loss, cry for my pain. Guess I'll just have to wait till later.

anyways, thanks for reading

love and hugs to each and every one of you

I LOVE YOU DADDY AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH,

niamh

xox

hi Shelley,

I hope so much you will one day post that you have been able to forgive him, I CANNOT even fathom how hard this must be. My heart goes out to you, everyone deserves a Dad who simply takes care of you in the right way and I'm sorry you didn't have that. I'm glad you know that this was his problem and that he was very sick and that none of it is your fault.

You are so brave working so hard on facing this and I just wish you so much peace.

hugs and love to you as always

niamh

hi Gamer,

I'm so sorry about your Grandma.

We are never really prepared are we no matter how much we know beforehand. I haven't experienced anticipatory grief as mine was sudden but I think regardless it's one heck of a shock to the system when it actually happens.

Maybe numbness is wearing off now that it is hitting you so hard. I wish I had words of comfort but I just don't think there are any.

I too just wish I had my Daddy here to talk to, nobody makes up for him so no matter who else I talk to it's not the same, I just want him.

well I hope you keep sharing, I see you've been on here a while so you know how great everyone is here,

hugs to you

niamh

hi Shelley,

Not sure if "Good Luck" with this is the right term to use here but I think you know what I mean.

I'm sure this will be difficult for you so your friends in grief are all here to support you.

peace and love to you

niamh

hi Shelley,

I'm glad for you, sounds like you have taken a huge step, good for you.

(((((HUGS)))))

niamh

I just thought I'd write this here to share with you some of the things I miss about my Dad. These are just some of the things I miss so much and I just can't tell anyone in person how much I miss them,it's too painful. I'd love to here from any of you dear friends if you can do it.

Anyways, gives you a little insight into me and my Daddy so thanks for reading

I miss hearing him in the mornings, getting his heart tablets together outside my bedroom door.

I miss hearing the front door opening every morning when he’d go out to work, now I’m first up to unlock it all

I miss the happiness I would have in the evenings as he came in the door from work,looking forward to our chats, knowing I could vent about my day, he would always say the right thing. I looked forward to seeing him every single day.

I miss him taking my side when work p’s me off, telling me how proud he is of me, stopping me from doubting myself.

I miss the phonecalls to me at work, looking for tech support for his computer. I used to get impatient and frustarted, now I would give anything for one of those calls.

I miss the phonecall or email on a Thursday afternoon asking what I would like from the chipper for dinner. If it was a phone call we would have little codes because neither wanted to say chicken, chips, curry etc out loud in our offices .

I miss the little notes he would leave me when they were going away for a weekend. Notes to let me know there was some of my favourite cakes in the fridge, fresh bread and fresh meat there for my lunch, always ending in “love Dad”

I miss our trips to McDonalds, he would so often come into me look at me smirking saying “would you”, that was all he had to say becaue we both knew what it meant and we would laugh and scoot off to McDs for a burger and always have amazing chats in the car.

I miss our chats at the dinner table every evening, discussing work, discussing funny jokes we had sent on email, explaining them to Mom.....trying to explain them *L*

I miss him asking me to buy more books for him. I miss him telling me about a really good book.

I miss planning holidays with him, making plans for every day , where to go, what to see, how long to spend somewhere, planning

I will forever miss his excitement when going on holidays, ESPECIALLY New York. Last time we went in October 2009, he could hardly sleep and was up and ready to drive to airport just as I came home from a night out around 3am . He was like a kid at Christmas when going on holidays, so happy, so excited.

I will miss walking the streets of New York for hours on end on vacation,just taking it all in, grabbing a starbucks here and there (me only!!) I will miss our long drives around USA, the little “arguments” we would have because I took a wrong turn or he told me too late to turn and I would panic about getting lost not knowing my way (sat nav came years later !!) . But he always calmed me and we would laugh so much. How will I ever get on a plane again let alone a plane to USA.

I miss his scent around the house, seeing his coats, ties around the place.

I miss planning with him what to get Mom for birthdays,Christmas etc.

I miss hearing football, snooker or tennis on tv. I miss him asking me if he can use “my tv room” to watch some special sports event. He could have it for keeps if he could come home to us.

I miss saying good night to him every night, more over I miss him saying good night back to me.

I JUST PLAIN MISS HIM

Shelley,you are right to never feel bad for crying .... how dare anyone say not to cry, that is obviously their problem with tears.

Haven't had anyone say that to me (not that I recall anyways) but if I did, I think they'd better run for cover *LOL*. I kinda have a fair idea now though who is comfortable with me and my grief and who is not.....so for the most part I kinda avoid those that are not, I don't need the stress of trying to put on a happy face coz I simply can't.

Aquarius7, I hate when people say crying is a weakness, you know I think it's the complete opposite coz it means you have the strength to connect fully with your emotions and your heart and that's dam hard when it's pain it brings not happiness. So I say let the tears out, even in front of your Mom, maybe she also wants to let hers out with you.

so let the tears flow I say

hugs and love to you both

niamh

hi there,

I am so sorry for the loss of yous loving sister and for the pain of you finding her. I have no words of real comfort coz I think we all know they just don't really exist.

I'm just coming up on 5 months after losing my Dad suddenly and it's still like yesterday. From what i've read from others fruther along their journey 1 year and 4 months is still SOOOOO EARLY so try not to be hard on yourself. Remember this is about YOU now and try not to take any notice of what others think or expect of you.

I am back to work but it's because I have no choice, I have too many bills that could not be covered by anything else. I find I have a numbness that gets me through work....it's like sometimes I still don't comprehend what has happened. I have a very good support system in work and only for that I would not be back to work.

This is your journey now, it's unique to you and there is nobody at all can tell you what way you "should" feel. Nobody only you and your sister truly know what you had and what you've lost. We will never get over this, maybe a day comes where we learn to live with it ..... I don't see that day coming for me .....I am just barely existing now, it's as much as I can do and you know what I think..... it's good enough and I don't care what anyone else thinks or expects coz they'll be waiting!

Take this one day or even one minute at a time hun, what sort of things do you want to be able to do that you can't ....you talk about everyday things ? Do you find you therapist helps you with anything?

This is a slow slow journey and look at it this way, you are still here, you are still alive, as broken as your heart is you are still breathing everyday .....that in itself is great. I certainly think so for me, sometimes when people ask if I'm "better", or talk about missing the old me etc I feel like saying "you know I am doing dam well to just still be alive every single day, never mind living it all up" and for now that's as much as I can do.

Time means nothing to me anymore, I think as time goes on for others the loss moves from the front of their minds but for us it remains there regardless of time passing, so 5 months, 1 year, 14months means nothing to be in terms of grief, my heart feels what it feels and that's it.

I hope you will keep coming here sharing with us, it might give you the smallest bit of comfort just to know others can relate a little to some of your feelings.

Sending lots of love, hugs and peace to you,

niamh

PS Only piece of advice I took from anyone in the beginning (when you get lots of so called "advice") was "BE KIND TO YOURSELF"

hi Chai,

do you mind me asking you, did you always find it hard to talk about or was it later on that started happening ?

I guess I am finding it harder and harder to talk about, maybe because I simply have no words anymore, it's the same thing, the same feelings. I dont even talk with my Mom about memories of him, she will mention things to me every so often but it's like putting salt on an open wound....for both os us really.

Actually sometimes I find there just aren't even a lot of memories ....maybe they will surface in time, I hope so. I get so scared of forgetting things as time goes on, what if I can't recall things from years and years ago.

I'm also starting to freak out about photos, we never took enough of photos, especially of Dad, he was always the one with the camera taking them. Now I can't get anymore, I'm so afraid that there aren't a lot of photos of him at home. I regret it so much now, should have snapped so many more of him than stupid scenery etc. and now I can't change it ....UGH.

ok, in work, tears coming, so going to end this now.

Is your graduation next week hun ?

thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs and love

niamh

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't know what you are going through with your Mom, I cannot even comprehend it because I lost my Dad so suddenly and unexpectedly. But I can relate to to not wanting to get up in the mornings. More and more over the last 2 weeks I've found myself waking with one thought, I wish the day was over already, I can't do this.But I have to get up and go to work. I've been working 4 days since I came back, I go back to 5 days next week and I feel so sick over it. I sometimes get physically sick in the mornings still. Everyday just feels like groundhog day to me because I keep having to tell myself this is not changing, Dad is never coming home and like you I don't want to face life, I dont know how to live without him and nor do I want to, for now it's just a case of barely existing.

I hope maybe for your Mom you can get out of bed, to go be with her, spend precious time with her, chat with her and just be with her. Sometimes I wish I had the time with my Dad, sometimes I'm glad I didn't. It's VICIOUS either way but I know if I had the time with him, I would have spent every minute possible with him.

Right now I would give anything in this world for a minute with my Dad. I would put up with anything at all, any pain at all for the rest of my life for just one minute with my Dad.

I know there is nothing at all anyone can say to comfort you, nothing can help but I will send lots of hugs and love your way. Keep sharing with us here, keep talking with us.....

hi emptyinside,

I too miss my Dad's hugs, there's nothing in the world like that comfort. My Dad's brother gives me a big one everytime he visits, sometimes I want to push him away coz my Dad's hug is all I want and other times I never want him to let go. Like you said nothing beats a Daddy hug. just sucks without him

hugs !

Blue eyes, I am so sorry about your Dad. No I never wanted to deal with it either, my friends and I talked about it over the last couple of years and it was always my worst nightmare ever and now I'm living it. Like you my heart is also so broken for my Mom, I know I am all that is keeping her going and vice versa really to be honest. Do you feel your Dad around you ? I don't and it's something I struggle so much with, I just want to feel him, really know he's around me, faith is just not enough anymore for me, I need proof (doesn't everyone eh !!)

Natalie, so sorry about your Dad hun.Unfortunately I don't fall into the teen or 20s category so not sure if I can help you, I am 35. I don't think people have any idea at all about grief until it hits them. I know I didn't before this, I had some pre-conceived ideas which were so off the mark now that I look back.

Rory, yep I've heard that said before and it's so true. I wouldn't change or trade the love and relationship with my Dad for anything but now I feel I will suffer until the day I meet him again because it was all so great. Loulou told me a while back about something she had see/read on grief, that it is the opposite of love ......"when you love someone you send all this love and energy their way.When they die,all that love and energy get blocked inside you,because there is no where for it to go". I too hope and wait for the day I can be with him and hope we never ever have to let go again, it's about the only thing I genuinely look forward to.

hugs and love to all my dearest friends in grief

niamh

Hi Niamh,

I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I could relate but since my dad and I had quite a different relationship... My dad sexually, physcially, emotionally, and verbally abused me for many years... At first when he died I was sad and than I felt this safe feeling all over me... I know that this sound really weird but I felt like i could start living again and there was no one around to hurt me anymore... This is why I have stopped my grief journey because I need to learn to forgive my dad before i can move on... Sorry again for your loss and all the pain you are going through... Shelley

hi Shelley, My heart goes out to you so much, everyone deserves a good loving Dad and I am so sorry that you didn't have that. I hope you will be able to forgive him...for you..... I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is for you. I hope therapy is helping and that you will be able to continue it. I admire you for even being able to share this with us, I hope so much the day comes where you reach the point of being able to forgive him.

big (((((HUGS))))) to you

niamh

xo

Becky and Joy, I am so sorry for the loss of you Mom's. I can't imgaine how difficult yesterday was if it was Mother's Day for you both. I know I am sick at the thoughts of father's day, I'd like to bypass the day and sleep thru it I think.

anyways, welcome to here, I hope you will keep posting and find some small comfort from so many friends in grief here.

hugs to you both

niamh

Rory,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost mine suddenly just before Christmas. Welcome to this site where you'll find lots of dear friends with you in grief. I'll write more a little later, having a hard time right now so wanted to just say hi and sorry

hugs

niamh