niamh

we are there with you Shelley and always feel free to tell us little stories about your Mom if you feel like it. I too hate when people say "your Dad wouldn't want you to be sad" coz I know him well enough to know he would want me to be whatever way I feel, he would not want me to pretend to be anything other than how I am, and Im sure your Mom and loulou's Dad are the same, they must know our pain and sadness and I'm sure they wish they could fix it for us.

So yep we have every right to feel anything for however long,

hugs and love always to you

niamh

xox

a million thanks to each of you dear friends for just being there for me without judging.

Kavish, I wish I could find my Dad for real, truly feel him with me, I can only hope someday it happens, someday I really know it, I guess faith isn't enough for me right now, I need so much more.I wonder so much does he try to get messages to me, does he miss me and all that, I have such a huge problem thinking he's happy while we are in such pain, if he sees us why he can't come to us, if he doesn't see us makes me even more scared ....aahhh such confusion eh ! (roll on August, Im hoping Lila's Dad gives her a message and that maybe he'll have one from my Dad aswell ....they've gotta be good buddies now *L*

Lila hunny,denial is exactly what I've been thinking it is and I like the way you put it, our heads know yet our hearts reject it,tey can't take it in.Sweetie, I'm SO SORRY things are so hard with your fiancee, I really don't want more pain for you.

Yeah I hate the loneliness, I feel like Dad just desereted me but I know it wasn't his fault or choice.I just feel he went away without me and it's scary not having that one person who was 100% reliable and just always always there for anything anytime.Like you I just want to talk to him ...have a 2 way conversation. Nobody else is good enough, it's just so dam lonely.

2sweetgirls, thanks for sharing hun....I try not to think of things and just let the feelings come and try not to think of tmrw, try to just get through each moment that I live in, good to know I'm not nuts .I try to talk to my Dad but its more like a vent here and there....maybe in time I can really sit and talk to him properly, altho I do write to him all the time and always hope he see it

Sheiss, wow my heart really goes out to you hun, I cannot even imagine your situation. I think you are right having your Dad as your top priority now, it's all about you and him. If only we could reverse all this. It's just so horrible being part of this "club" now and to see it happening every day to so many people.

I am just so glad that I am not alone with my feelings altho I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy and I wish I could take it all away from all of you.

I just found out this evening my best friend's Dad is dying. He's been sick the last couple of years and has been going downhill rapidly but now he will not be released from hospital after going in a week ago, they are literally waiting for it to happen. She had a relationship with her Dad like I did with mine but she kinda lost him a couple of years ago (losing oxygen to brain with emphysema)....his memory started going really bad, he barely engages in chat (he was such a chatty man) so she's told me she spent a year grieving already to a certain extent BUT I still don't think it's the same. They are now waiting for that dreaded call and I dont think it will make it any easier for her just because they didn't talk like they used to and things had changed ....he's still here. I'M DREADING IT, for her, for me, for my Mom (my Dad was friends with hers growing up and then our parents became friends....in fact I call her my cousin we are so close!), the thoughts of a funeral so soon, so close to my heart AGAIN.

OH MY GOD, just saw on FB this second an old school friends Dad died 1st of May and I've only just found out. I don't know anymore, I'm surrounded by it (I was only thinking this evening they say it happens in 3s). I'm dam sick of it all.

LOTS OF HUGS AND LOVE to you all, I can't write anymore,I want to sleep and never wake up

XOXOOXOXOX

I've been finding lately that more and more I am having split seconds where I think my Dad will be back someday to fix all this, it's like my mind thinks if I wait long enough he will come home but as I said it is literally a split second I have this feeling for. Anyone else feel like that ? It seems to be happening more frequently to me and then my heart just skips a beat with the reality. I have such a hard time grasping this is forever, this is not changing, it cannot change. Sometimes nothing at all feels real. (all split second feelings!)

My heart is just so broken beyond "repair" and as time passes my old happy life with Dad is slipping further and further away from me.

I will be 100% honest here, I hate life now as much as I love my Dad so that's one big lot of emotion! I don't think I will ever ever be happy again, there is nothing that can make me happy anymore. I am wishing my life away, wishing for the day I HOPEFULLY get to be with Dad again (don't get me wrong, I've NO INTENTION of doing anything about this, wouldn't dream of putting my Mom through that). But I just wish it was over, I've had my good times here, I have no mass on life anymore, I've had enough.

Nothing is good enough anymore without my Dad, nothing has any meaning anymore for me.

I get so scared at the thoughts of having to go through this again someday if anything happens to my Mom and I just hope I won't survive that, that God (who or whatever) will just take me too.

The real truth from the botton of my heart is that I actually don't even care that I feel like this, I don't care about happiness anymore because to me it's just as impossible as my Dad walking in the front door hugging me.

I wonder is this "normal", am I the only one who feels this, do others hope for happiness (I think they do!!) It's not like I hope someday I'll be happy again, I simply don't care, I just don't want and I don't want any help changing this ....that's the raw truth from the bottom of my broken heart

I guess it's easier to post here, I know my friends hurt when I talk like that (so I lighten it a little when talking to them) and I definitely don't want to hurt or worry my Mom, I would never tell her this. (she knows how sad I am coz so is she but I know if it wasn't for me she's told me she would just want to be with Dad)

hope I don't sound too nuts

lots of hugs and love to all

a broken niamh

xo

hi Aquarius,

I'm sorry for you fear and hopelessness, I too know those worries. But for now I would try not to think so far ahead if you can do that, I know it's hard. I have so many fears about the future but I try to just put it away and get through today.

Your Mom is still here so try to focus on that, spending time with her.

I really don't know what to say here, I'm sorry for the regrets you have but just try not to think too far ahead, it's daunting and scary so take things day by day if you can manage to do so.

we are here!

hugs

niamh

hi ms.peg, I too am so sorry for your loss. In one way I did always figure the pain would be unbearable, this was my worst nightmare and after a couple of scares over the last 15 yrs with my Dad, I dreaded this day. But thought he would live to be at least 90 (he was only 65), he lived life to the fullest. I too understand the difficulty with work, I could not come back for 2 months, tried twice and just ran out of the place. Now as we all seem to discover, it's the numbness that allows us to function but it doesn't really help. I just find it stops the tears and the horrendous pain in my heart where I feel like I will burst with the pain. But I always have a heavy heart, I don't smile, laugh, enagage with people anymore, I feel surrounded by sadness all the time now. I don't know how to live, I go through the motions everyday and wonder what on easth it's all about.

But I have special friends here and I honestly don't know what i would have done without these people. I can't talk much but I can write loads and finding others who relate and feel similar things just comforts me a tiny bit knowing I am not so alone in this. So I hope you will keep coming here sharing with us all.

hugs and love and peace to you,

niamh

WOW I just had a look at the list Marty and saw this thing called memory bears .....teddy bears made from loved ones clothing,quilts or throws aswell .....that is just the best idea. Think I'm going to raid the wardrobe at the weekend and find some clothes that would make nice teddy bears. I've always been a big kid at heart and loved getting teddy bears and still did up to a few years ago(was never much of a doll person). I would love to have a teddy bear made with some of Dad's clothes, sprayed with his aftershave to keep.

THANK YOU so much and thank you Chai....had you not asked about memorial sites I would never have know about these!!!

hugs and love ,

xox

thank you so much Marty, I agree, this is something that's kind of been on my mind the last few days and I keep saying I will go take some time out to fully deal with the pain and tears. I find when I come home from work, I have dinner and then become glued to tv because it's the one distraction that works. When I go to bed I find myself doing everything to avoid just thinking fully and properly about this because I do feel so afraid of the pain, it's so crushing. Although it does eventually come as you say I need to let it in a little more I think. Sometimes I just get a little scared because the pain and heartache is so crushing but I will try

thank you for your support here !

niamh

I can relate a little Shelley, mine seems to come and go but I do find a lot of the time I have this constant nervousness, in my heart, in my tummy .....sometimes I wake in the morning almost shaking....guess I'm kinda getting used to it aswell, just feels "normal" to me now but as I said it's on and off.

I hope with your therapy it can ease it a little bit by bit. That anxious feeling is so horrible, I know the smallest thing can trigger it for me.

((((HUGS)))

Ren,

I am so so sorry that work are being so insensitive to you, that is such bad form especially from your boss and HR. I'm sure your colleagues do care and maybe they just don't know what to say, maybe they don't want to "remind" you by coming to you and saying something ....YEAH sounds whacky, it's not like you need reminding. When I was off work when this first happened I got a few texts from some of the girls, that was it. When I finally came back to work nobody came over to me, nobody said anything, no emails nothing. However we recently had a night out and a few of the guys came over to me after a few drinks apologising that they hadn't come to me .....the thing was they didn't know what to say and they didn't want to sound like a cliche so they just stayed away.....and I understand it, it makes people awkward, they don't want to say the wrong thing, they don't want to "upset" you. Ive no doubt your colleague care for you they just have no clue what to say or do. HR should know better, these are one of the times they are supposed to truly support you as their employee and go out of their way to be there for you.....I'm so sorry hun

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

well you will have lots of support here with us so I hope you know that

niamh

I sometimes worry about hitting the 6 month and 1 year mark, I try my best not to think ahead like this but sometimes I can't help it.Time is flying by so fast while at the same time it feels like it all happened only yesterday. I think I worry because of what others will expect of me, that others will expect me to be "better" to be "ok" again and I just don't think I ever will be. Most of the time I don't care what others think because this is how I feel end of story but I guess it's a little easier to be like that so early on.

I don't cry as much as I used to but I don't feel it's because I'm getting any "better", I feel like I just block it all at times because I am so afraid of the raw pain it brings me but I know I should go there and let it out. I literally ran out of a restuarant on Sunday in floods,pushing past people who were blocking the door .... I'm sure people were looking at me stupidly but I had to get out of there, it just came over me.

I still can't look at photos and still can't even talk about my Dad. I listen when my Mom talks about him but I feel a lump in my throat everytime and tears build up, I want to brust out. Even sometimes she will say something like "haven't done xxx since Dad died" ....OMG just hearing the word died makes me feel sick, it's like a knife thru me all over again, I HATE hearing it. I seem to just think of Dad as gone or lost, I can't think of him as "dead" ....gone is easier to understand. I just don't understand what dead actually is, what it really means if that makes any sense. I still find split seconds where I wonder when will he be back.

hugs and love to all dear friends

niamh

xx

hi Christine,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom and welcome to here. I lost my dearest Dad suddenly just before Christmas. Like you I don't recognise myself anymore, I'm this new person I don't want to be, I don't want any of this to be real, I wish I could wake from the nightmare of it. He was so much more than my Dad, he was my teacher, my best friend, the fixer of everything and I don't know how to live without him, I don't want to actually. I'm just about hanging in there for my Mom.

I spent weeks and weeks reading here before I could finally write something, I didn't want it to be so real that I was suddenly writing about all this. Now I find writing is my only true outlet. I can talk to friends about what grief does to me but I can't talk about those deep emotional feelings of being so lost and lonely....the words don't come, as soon as I try I break down and can hardly compose myself. So I write so much here and in journals.

You will find so many special kind hearted people here. While nothing makes things easier I do find some comfort that I am not completely alone in how I feel, knowing someone else is going through something similar....makes me feel as normal as I can be.

I too have a demanding job, luckily management are super supportive and changed my role to a less pressurised one for now.I did not return to work until 4th March ...I tried twice before that and just couldn't, I was throwing up, having panic attacks etc so just stayed out on sick leave. I've been working 4 days a week since I came back and in 2 weeks I have to go back to 5 days. I am physically sick over it. I do little bits and pieces when I am in work but I find it so hard. I used to love my job so much, now I just don't care about it. my mind wanders, I come online here coz I just can't find the motivation to work or care about it anymore. I just want to run from here and never have to come back, I want to run from life itself.

I hope you keep coming here sharing your journey with us .... Just know that you are not so alone in this and we will all share.

Hugs to you because there really are no words,

niamh

hi Shelley,

I can so relate to your fear.I spent the weekend thinking my Mom is the only person left in the world that I am number one to and I'm so scared of losing her. I have some very good friends, some married, some not but as good as they are I just think well they have their own lives, they will prob all get married, have families and enjoy their lives while I'm stuck here struggling to exist every single day. I've lost that dream myself of meeting someone, having a family, I just don't want it anymore. I try my best not to think ahead but sometimes I can't help it and it scares me so much, thinking I will be left completely all alone here and I don't want it....I feel like such a big baby.

Truth is I hope so much that my life is not meant to go on for another 30+ years, I hope it's meant to be shorter. I just feel so so lonely and life has no meaning for me anymore.

I'm sorry for your sadness and fear, sorry my post isn't more positive, I'm just so broken

hugs to all

niamh

hi Aquarius,

welcome to what I consider my life line in grief these days. I am so sorry for what you have to go through with your Mom right now. I can't imagine, I lost my Dad suddenly (like my dear friend loulou here ) just before Christmas.

you will find so many special people here who will relate to you and I hope it can bring you some tiny bit of comfort to know you are not completely alone in this.

I hope you get to spend lots of time with her, caring for her, chatting with her, loving her, just being there with her.

I can't write much more right now, my head is all over the place at the mo !!

Keep posting here, come share with us and here's a (((hug)))

niamh

I'm sorry your family don't want to hear about the abuse, I'm sure you could do with their support, their willingness to listen if you need or want to talk. Let them feel sad about you not caring about your Dad's remains, it's your absolute right to do what you want. I just wish there was a way to take away your flashbacks, reverse what happened to you, it's beyond heartbreaking, nobody deserves it. I hope your therapy will help you with this additional pain and sorrow, I hope you will find healing and peace from it.

am always here to listen and share,

hugs to you, maybe today will be a brighter day for you, I HOPE SO,

niamh

xox

I just came across this and wanted to share, the video and photos touched me and I just wish I could rewind, be that little girl playing with my Daddy, not having a care or worry in the world. Those were happy days.

I hope you like it,

I ADORE AND MISS YOU DADDY & WISH YOU NEVER LEFT,

much hugs,

niamh

xoxo

thinking of you today 2sweetgirls, I find I now hate the 17th of every single month.

I've been having probs sleeping last few days and it's really taking it's toll on me, Walking around trying to concentrate in work but eyes just hanging and my whole body just feels weary and worn down. maybe I can catch up on some proper zzzzs at the weekend when I can forget about work completely.

bflyrn, I can relate to what you are saying and I just want to say please don't feel like you can't say the same thing over with us here, sometimes I feel things are just going around in circles and I know at times I write the same thing over coz that's just how I feel. I find it's comforting to find someone else then nods and agrees and feels so similar.

hugs, love and peace to each of you who are so special to me now,

niamh

xo

you are welcome Mrs.B, I am sorry for the loss of your dear Rick. I hope everyone's loved one is doing exactly what the poem says and that it's just our minds are just not open enough to truly "see" or feel it...maybe someday

hi Suzanne,

this is something I've thought of and something I want to do someday (I'm only 4 months in after losing my Dad who was my best friend, my teacher and just so much more than just my Dad,so it will be a long long time). I have been writing a lot anyways through it all as someday I want to be able to see my journey in my words. I don't feel anything is getting less difficult, I don't feel it ever will but I'm on the inside and maybe someone on the outside sees differently, all I know is I don't feel it.

If I somehow ever learn to live and not just exist then it's something I would also like to do. For now I can't look back on what I've written because, as you say, it's so painful ,starting at the beginning is somewhere I don't think I can go yet, my mind goes there but the pain it brings just cripples me. I know it's such early days yet though for me.

I am so sorry things are still so empty and sad for you, it's such a stark reminder to me of the life long journey ahead, knowing it really doesn't ever go away.Some people manage to learn to live again, find some happiness again and I am glad for them I just can't see it for me.Maybe it's still too soon for you, too soon as you say to go near some of those emotions,some of the earlier times of all this. If you feel it's too much emotionally for now then leave it, you are already trying to deal with so much, no need to pressure yourself to relive something that will bring you additional pain and heartache (if that's even possible, if you know you what I mean ).

I wish you a peaceful day and here's (((hug))) for you aswell,

niamh

hi Shelley,

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. I cannot even begin to imagine or comprehend but you have my love and hugs, ears/eyes always.

And I could not agree with you more regarding this website and more importantly the very special people here, everyone here just simply gets it and gets it with so much kindness and understanding. I am so so grateful to you Marty and everyone who takes the time to come here.

I hope your journey eases tomorrow and as the days go on Shelley, you sound so amazing from the other posts I've also seen from you and I really appreciate that you still take the time here with us and share your ongoing journey.

big hug !!

niamh

thank you Sandra, I love this poem, have it saved on my phone. Mom and I are planning on using some of the verses for memoriam cards (sometime, someday)

xx

I found this poem a while back, sometimes I can barely read the first couple of lines it brings so much pain. But I want to believe so much, I want to know for sure, I want to have that feeling, that sense of his presence.

Reading it makes me want to truly know my Dad is with me every minute of everyday.Every single line is something he would say or do.

the last 3lines touch my heart and soul more than I can say, I absolutely love the "idea" of going home to him

I hope you like it,

Hugs to all

xo

I STOOD BY YOUR BED

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.

I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,

"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,

You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me.

I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.

I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.

I want to reassure you that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.

I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday.

To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew ...

In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is almost over... I smile and watch you yawning

and say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,

I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me

Author Unknown (which is unfortunate, I think it's a masterpiece)

absolutely hun, the smallest thing takes it out of me, guess our minds are 24x7 trying to process and deal with it all so it is exhausting. I can just be doing nothing, sitting around but it still tires me. When I am off work and do little things like shopping, doing odd jobs which really doesn't take all that long timewise Im beat from it and just want to get home, lie on the couch and chill out alone, so I can rest my body and mind.

I find it particularly tiring when I meet a friend, I think it's just trying to keep it all together, have a conversation with someone I'm whacked after it.I had a training day in work yesterday, it wasn't anything that required lots of brain work, it was just simple listening for the day. Today I could hardly keep my eyes open in work, I was so tired and just couldn't focus on anything long enough to be "productive" so I figure yesterday took it out of me completely.

Grieving is emotionally exhausting and that just spills out to the physical side, it's the hardest most tiring thing I've ever encountered.

just try to get rest and try to rest up when you need it as often as you can, take things easy. Sometimes I get so tired from doing odd jobs I put some off for the next day, next weekend coz I just can't do it all together these days,

big hugs and love to you today,

niamh

xo

hi Chai,

First of all big hugs to you from another Daddy's girl.

I'm so sorry things are getting so hard for you at the moment. Are your friends people you feel you could trust talking to. Looking from outside this I guess your friends have no clue at all how much pain you are in and because the see the outside of you to be "ok", they just assume you are "ok". I know there is nothing they can do, nobody can reverse this and make things better again but they can listen, they can hug you and while it doesn't make things all ok, I think there is something about it ...honestly I don't know what it is. But I know that I just am thankful when my friends listen, nope they don't understand, they don't have a clue, they can't fix me but I am still glad that they are just there.

I'm sorry you feel you can't tell your Mom how much you hate school but you know what I'm sure she would understand. You are graduating in 3 weeks so you DID it, you got through school through all of this (I sincerely bow down to you for that, I don't know how you did it ....maybe with your Dad somehow helping you thru without you knowing it). Anyways, your Mom paid for it and you finished it, I've no doubt she is so so proud of you....why would you like school now when you are missing your Dad so much and having to go through graduation without him .....that won't hurt your Mom. There are times when I don't want to upset my Mom, if I see she is "ok", getting through the day I don't want to bring her down, but sometimes it just comes out and I get a hug from her and I just feel like a little lost child in her arms and just glad she's there to give me that. I wish you would or could let your Mom be there for you right now.

I can so relate when you say your Dad would have the advice for all this. Someone called my Dad the fixer back in January and I couldn't have said it better. He is the ONE and ONLY person in the world who would fix all this, know what to say, what to do yet ironically he is the cause of it all. Daddy's are always great fixers.so many little things have happened in the last few months, stuff that has angered me, really really hurt me, stuff that Dad would have been the first person I'd go to about and now there is nobody. As good as my Mom is and others try half the time I just don't mention the stuff anymore coz I react badly when someone doesn't say or do what Dad would have and it makes me worse. So it goes through my head and I sit and think nobody, I have nobody at all who can advise me like Daddy would.

Sweetie, I also so sorry for you losing your Grandmother....2 major blows to you in 6 months, another tie to your dearest Dad. Hugs hugs and more hugs.

And so sorry aswell for your friend, I hope so much he will be ok, please keep us updated.

so I wish you could reach out to your Mom, let the tears come and let her be there for you. One baby step at a time, if you start with your Mom, maybe later on pick one friend, just all baby steps to open up.

so you will always have us here to talk to,

sending you lots of hugs and love

niamh

xox

hi dear friends,

I can relate to so much of what you all are saying here....auto pilot is just so right L. I remember asking people a few years ago (my cousin who lost her Mom was one)...how do you do it ? how do you get out of bed every day and face the world coz at the time I thought if this ever

happened to me I would not be able to even get out of bed. At the time people would just say "you just do" and I could never understand that,

how could you "just do it". Now I realise for me the only reason is the emotional numbness to it and I think that's why certain aspects of grief hit in tidal waves....when they hit I am inconsolable with crying, sobbing, asking why and obviously I can't exactly function too well during a time like that, hence that part comes and goes. I sometimes think our minds are either extremely strong being able block things out to enable "normal" functioning or else the mind is so fragile that it has to block it out for a period of time or the mind would simply "break".

Sometimes I find a tear coming and it's like I subconciously block it all out and stop it because I know how bad the pain is when I let it in properly because like you say L, it's such a crushing pain in my heart. I don't do this all the time tho, as always there are times when nothing will stop this and it pours out of every single cell I have.

Chai and L ...I can so relate to your friends wanting you to be "normal", "the same". I have opened up to a few of my very close friends and sometimes I want to scream at the world, I am different now, the old me is gone and will never ever come back. I feel I am not only grieving for Daddy but for all of myself that I lost with him. This is something I've not really talked about with anyone, because truth is i find it hard to understand myself ...how am I different, what is different, is what's different temporary while grief is so raw. But deep down I know it's not, I know I am changed forever somehow but I just don't know how, I just feel it. I think my heart skips a beat when people mention the old me, the one they want back, the one they think will come back with "time".

I also kinda relate to you saying you clam up about grief in the real world. While I talk to friends I've realised I talk about my grief in general with them, just the weird ways it impacts me but truth is never about the real honest pain....that I seem to only be able to write about....coz the words just don't come....so I'm with ya hun with the "stupid mouth" I bumped into an old college friend last recently in a bar and even though I was numbed up after drinks when he looked at me I just burst out crying ....he sat with me and I could not get the words out, my head was a mess, he was the first person I've met since who didn't know so I had to tell him....I probably sat their for 2 mins crying and trying to say something (I know he was looking at me stupidly wondering, WHAT are these tears about)...eventually I managed "I lost my Dad at Christmas" ....that was as much as I could say.

I've never realised like you said loulou the others walking around carrying pain deep down inside so you just don't see on the outside during day to day stuff. 2 of my friends in work spoke to me on a work night out recently one lost his Mom in the last 10 years, the other 21 or so years ago (as a teenager) ....it still brought tears to their eyes telling me. (and it was the first I knew of it and I am great friends with them!!!) I think it really hit me then, no matter how much time goes on, this is here forever, this will forever bring a tear or two or a million even after 21 years. I guess that scares me....not that I want to "not" cry after 21 yrs but just how much it really does just become part of you forever and these guys were evidence of that. Being only 35 I just thing DAM, it's too long, I should not have to deal with this for half a lifetime or longer.

L, your words "I am so proud to be his daughter" really hit me ....it's something I said as part of my Dad's eulogy, so proud of who I am because of him. Someday I'll put it up here, I want so much to share what I said from my heart that day. Haven't been able to look at it since.

so hugs to all of you dear friends and a million billion thanks for just being there,

niamh

xo

hi Stacey,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. You had 24 yrs with her and only 3 without so of course it's still so very hard. Everyone has their own timelines with grief and I am sorry people are having expectations that you "get over it". I don't think we ever "get over it" (I honestly hate those words), this is not a bad day, a bad year that you just get over. It's the loss of such a huge important part of you, your life. I think we maybe just learn to live with it. I'm only 4 months in after losing my Dad suddenly and I think it will always be a big deal for me, it was my worst nightmare and now I live and breath it every single day.

I've heard some words that I too have felt minimise my grief and it is like a knife straight through my heart. Nobody fully understands the loss and pain, nobody because me and my Dad had a unique relationship, just like you and your Mom and each one of us on here who is dealing with loss ...each loss is unique, each grief is unique. But we find similarities here in our feelings and there's some comfort to know there are others who can relate to the pain.

You're last line really really struck me "I hate that I don't have a Mom" .....I too hate being part of the club of people who have lost their Dad's, my life shouldn't have been like this. But I do still have a Dad, he's just not with me on this earth anymore and I hope and long to know he is still around me altho I don't feel him and I look hard. A friend once told me "there never leave us, they just support us in a different way". I hope that is true.

so please keep writing, we certainly will not judge you and your grief. All we can do is share our feelings. And I know you've mentioned it's your Mom you've lost and for me it's my Dad. But if you read some of the other posts around the site, you may find you can relate to others in some small sense whatever their loss.

know we are here to listen, sending you lots of hugs

niamh