niamh

hi L,

Just wanted to send a msg to say I'm thinking of you today. I can only imagine how tough today is, I have a couple of months to go yet. But I know every single month on that day my heart breaks another bit.

I have no real words of comfort but I am with you in tears, in grief and sending you some love, hugs and peace for today.

niamh,xo

hi Shelley,

I've thought about it but for now I don't want to, I don't feel "ready" (whatever ready even means to me). I've had people suggest it so many times to point where it's angered me feeling I'm not stupid, just grieving and trying to process this in my head and I am well aware of counselling being available. We have a family friend who works in hospital and deals with family when people lose their loved ones. She's come talked to me several times since and has told me she thinks it's too soon for me. I guess for now I feel I am doing all I need to do, I am getting out of bed, going to work, doing the best I can in there. I meet friends every so often so I am functioning, I am just so so sad doing it all....I feel I'm grieving not only for my Dad but for all of me that I lost with him so it's like learning to do everything all over again, even though I'm a grown adult.

I definitely won't rule it out and say I will never go. It recently struck me that while I can talk about my grief, it's more the consequences of it I can talk about (just some of the irrational things I find, nervous being around groups of people, nervous doing some things in work etc ...all real basic "normal" things that suddenly take so much effort) but the real true feelings of what it means to me not having my Dad around, I can only write about. So I write an awuful lot, I guess it doesn't matter how you get it out as long as you don't bottle it up.

I don't think there are any groups where in my city/country. I've checked online and seen a ton of things for kids losing parents, vice versa, widows, widowers, miscarriages and so on but no groups for an adult losing a parent. Maybe it's just not online and maybe someday I'll check it out more.

For now I guess this forum is my lifeline to others who are as lost as I am

thats my 2 cents, hope you are having a good day

hugs

niamh

hi ren,

first I am so sorry for you losing your Dad .... there are no words of comfort, sorry doesn't even begin to describe it. But welcome to here, there's quite a few of us Daddy's girls here lost and alone and trying to find our way through this thing called grief. It's all so new to you now but know that your feelings whatever they are, are "normal". I was not able to return to work until 4th march (was due back after Christmas hols on 4th january). I am now back to work but a shadow of the person I used to be. I go in and do my best (my company have been very accommodating and understanding thankfully so have taken some pressure of me). I don't have to work with the public (at least not for now) so I just keep my head down and do what I can....my mind wanders every single day so I'm not as productive as I used to be. I don't know what you do for work but I know I can't pretend I'm ok because I'm not. I tend to feel numb which kinda gets me through most days without bawling crying but I avoid lunch etc most days because I can't handle the "silly" conversations. I hardly talk at work these days coz I just cant force myself to chat away, smile because I'm not. But I'm sure everyone sees I always look sad because I always feel sad, lonely, lost, shocked and the list goes on.

I think you've come to the right place here, I never ever felt more alone than those first couple of months, I still feel it, I am still so lost and empty without my Dad but I've realised there are other people here who feel similar things to me and there is a tiny comfort knowing it's ok, it's "normal" what i feel because someone else who has lost their Dad feels similar to me. The feelings are not exactly the same coz each of our relationships with our Dad's is unique and so is our grief but can be so so similar when you start reading what others have written. So, I feel I have someone to go on this journey with me (yeah friends etc are great but they are not living this nightmare everyday right now like I am so they can only do so much).

The only piece of advice I took from anyone was "be kind to yourself now, this is all about YOU" and do not tell anyone you are "fine" or "grand" etc until the day comes where you do feel it.(so many cliches I had to bite my tongue with) It's the one thing I refuse to do is pretend I'm ok . My Mom's friend lost her husband 7 yrs ago and it took her 6 yrs before someone asked how she was and she could answer "ok". And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it will take however long it takes and it is different for everyone.

So please keep writing and talking to us here, as I said we can't make you ok but we can relate to you,

sending some hugs you're way coz there just are no words,

niamh

I have to say part of me agrees with everything people have written here as contradictory as that sounds !!

Sometimes I think all the questioning isn't even necessarily about religion just life in general, our vey existence here, the question of is there really something/someone else out there, what are we all here for really and truly. The list goes on really and I don't think there is anything wrong with believing, not believing, searching and so on, we are human and we question things and I find grief has kicked that into complete overdrive.

All I hope and want is that someday I will see my Daddy again, I will be with him again and other loved ones that I've lost and that we will all be eternally happy and never ever have to let go again. And that we will finally get the answer to the very meaning of life. And obviously hope the same for each of you and you're loved ones ....and that we'll all meet up together

So whether it's God,Budha, the alien guys Tom Cruise & Co believe are the "ones" *LOL* here's hoping its just something bigger and better than all of us that will give us eternal pain free, grief free happiness.

hugs and love to all of you in grief

niamh

hi sweetie,

UGH tough days ahead for you, I'm so sorry.

wow that song coming on the radio.....don't you wonder is it a sign, I've turned on the radio and played music in my car so much the last week and feel like I am waiting for a song to touch me ....oh it's just a never ending search for something.

And all the whys you have I also have, the frustration of just not knowing....what is life all about really and truly, why do we have to endure this pain and torture.

my Dad used always say everything happens for a reason and when you're knee deep in the badness you can't see any good from it but eventually something good comes from it. I always believed that but this time like you, it's not gonna happen. There is nothing good can ever come from this. Every single thing that happens in life from now on will have this with me, it will never go away.

You are definitely not a broken record and I for one will never tire of listening to someone say they miss their loved one.

sending you lots of hugs and love and always here to listen

niamh

hey there,

thanks, yeah I've finally realised and understood no matter how old they are it's so wrong when the leave.

yep, sometimes I'd like nothing more than a sound proof room to scream it all out of me.

I do understand what you mean, I'm not suicidal either but there are times when i'm driving my car and the pain and loss feel so much and I want something to end it all for me, but I wouldn't want that for my Mom, NO WAY.

yeah sometimes I can't believe it's 4 months, as you say they have been a complete blur, I do rememeber vividly the days after it all happened, I rememeber the funeral so well and I'm glad for that, I wouldn't ever want to forget it, it was bitter sweet really but the rest is just fuzz. I still find my memory can be really messed up, if someone asks what I did yesterday or last weekend sometimes I honestly have zero recollection, it's so weird , I guess there's enough going on in the brain and who cares what happened yesterday, it's not significant enough to recall

there's definitely something to getting out the feelings one way or another and I am just grateful for the caring people here all confirming I'm perfectly "normal".

I hate saying have a good day now to someone coz I know it's so hard, so I will wish you some peace and love to help you thru the day and hope your litte one can bring at least one smile to your face

xox

hi Sharla,

Your mention of not wanting children really caught my eye coz I've lost all my dreams now of meeting mr.right, building dream house, having a family, I don't want any of it because Dad's not here to see it, do it all with me, help me with it all. there have been times where for split seconds I've thought mmnn do I wish I was never born, but then I think ABSOLUTELY NOT coz I would never have known my Dad and I would not want that.

I am really sorry you don't think you will see him again in some after life, like you said not the place for religion but I wish for you to be able to think you would to give you the tiniest bit of comfort or hope to know he will live on somewhere in some form ....coz the way i feel I just think I have to see him again, he couldn't just be gone, I just think there has to be something more than this crap. Sometimes I think of something like love, we can't see it, touch it, prove it, disprove yet we all believe so I just think all that love we have can't be for nothing, can't be for just the duration of life here. The one and only thing I look forward to is seeing him again ....don't get me wrong, geez i have doubts and fears and none of us truly know but I just think no way could his love for me just be gone in a poof like that. (energy never dies, just changes form, fingers crossed !)

Have you ever talked to your Dad about how he feels, what he believes himself , you know just a general philisophical type chat ? I don't even know if it's something that's possible to discuss because I just can't comprehend your situation myself. But with hindsight when Dad and I would have those "what's life all about" chats I wish I would have asked him something like when you leave will you do A, B or C to let me know you're still with me. Maybe this is all wishful thinking, who knows !! But I'll search and search for signs till I leave this place myself.

So sorry for your fear of that dreaded call, I still hear the phone ringing that night and I was dressed before my Mom finished the call which wasn't even 1 minute long I'd say.

Keep going to your comfort and safe place where you can cry and let it all out when you want and need to and come here as often as you need to and write (no such thing as rambling here) I've only recently realised I can write much more than I can physically say. I can't say it helps coz I feel nothing does, but it doesn't hurt so why not

I wish I had words of comfort, I wish such words existed.

hugs is all I can give you again,

niamh

THANK YOU Shelley and same for you also, we can and will be here for you too,xx

hi there 2sweetgirls,

aw I am so sorry about your Mom and now your Dad on top of it, wow so sorry. I can so relate to your feelings, it's been 4 months for me since I lost my Dad suddenly.My Dad was long gone by the time we got to the hospital, they had already been at CPR for 20mins and we watched for another 5 or so but my heart just knew it, knew he was already gone so I couldn't even say goodbye. It haunts me, why couldn't I just have had one second with him. I held his hand shouting at him not to leave, to come back but i already knew it was too late, could feel him getting colder. UGh I'm sorry, it's just all been flooding back the last day or so.

I too have a little guilt wishing I had taken him to a different hospital maybe something would be different, they just didn't do things right in this one, he was a heart patient who went in with a kidney stone and they never once checked his heart yet it was cardiac arresst that stole him away from me.

I also long so much every single night for him to visit me in a dream, a sign, something to let me know he's really still right here just in another form that I cannot physically hug these days.

I am so sorry about your friends aswell, most of my really close ones are so truly understanding and I am so grateful. There are some now though that I just can't seem to talk to, my grief feels to awkward around them and I cannot hide it so I really just stay away. I had a pretty big fight with a relative the night before the funeral, we were best of friends growing up but the last 10yrs have been crap, I gave up on her long ago. But this night I tried, one last time to make amends, bigger fool me. I had snapped a little at her because she really was being unreasonable with me and she lost it with me, shouted at me and as always it was all about her and God forgive me, her F.KIDS, that's all it's ever about.we did talk after (just stupid chit chat) but i've not heard from her since really and I'm so over it and done with her.

I agree with you about your friend, I think our society now really has no clue at all how to handle grief. it's brushed under the carpet once the services are over but that's when it all really begins for us but it can be over for friends, they've done their bit attending. But it's after that as reality sets in that real support is needed. You have every single right to be angry and it's so sad that your friend didn't realise that, guess she just doesn't know how to handle you in your grief now. I find it can be so lonely because no matter how much talking and explaining we do ,each of our pain, loss, the relationship we had with the loved one is UNIQUE, no 2 are the same and unless someone has lost someone as close they really cannot even begin to imagine, our imaginations are just not that strong no matter how hard you try.(I try to explain the feelings, emotions, irrational thinks i feel at times, as best I can to try to give them a tiny insight into what it is really doing to me)

I am glad your husband is so supportive and I hope he will continue to be there for you. I have met some amazing people on this site and a few of us are on the same timelines with our losses, you are another of us so we share lots, we vent and so on and there is just the smallest bit of comfort to know someone else has some idea of what you're feeling. I hope you will continue sharing your journey with us. Although we can't make things easier for you, can't stop the pain for you, we can let you know you are not completely alone in it,

hugs to you and thanks for sharing yours with us,

niamh...

thank you so much Shar and thank you for thinking of your co-worker like that, those little thoughts make the difference. I only go for brekkie every so often now,i've just had a few episodes of the chats being like a knife in me so it's not worth it.

My day went from bad to worse and I ended up having a tiny panic attack in my car after work it had been a good few weeks, thought they were gone but it was a short one, am used to them now. So hard when you just cannot stop the tears, they keep coming. Then some dude came close to ramming my car on the way home deliberately driving too close so my tears turned to rage, I'm sure I looked a tad unstable just screaming in my car at him.luckily I like my car too much coz when he passed and i was behind ...oh I wanted to just crash into him full speed but wouldn't waste ruining my car *LOL*

anyways, hope you are getting the chance to spend time with your dearest Dad, I can't imagine how it is for you to have to watch and wait. sometimes I wish i had the chance with mine but then other times I'm "glad" (not sure what other word to use here coz glad seems wrong but you get me I'm sure!!) it was sudden. All ways are just crappy really. I'm glad you found this site and I hope we can all be there for you aswell.

thanks again for your message, sometimes it's just these simple msgs from others can bring me some calm,

xo

oh one thing I meant to say aswell. My Mom has been waking every morning with the most awful heartache, she said she feels her heart literally drop when she wakes up to it all. When I came home from work yesterday, she seemed a little different, she said she did not wake with that yest morning, she said she felt different somehow. All she knows is that she had a dream about Dad but said she cannot remember anything at all about it. I was so so glad for her. I didn't say it to her but all I thought and wonder is did my Dad actually come visit her and somehow gave her comfort. I hope today she feels the same and doesn't wake with that ache. It has gone before briefly but I never heard her say she felt something different so maybe.

I still wake with the crap, my heart races every morning when I wake, constant nervousness deep inside me! But whatever, I am just glad for my Mom.

maybe I'll be next ...maybe he'll visit ....

hey loulou, oh I hear ya on that and every sentence you write makes PERFECT sense to me. When this really hits home with me I can't write, can't talk just need a complete time out on my own so my brain can sort things out. it's like I can write then when the numbness appears back again.

It's funny you talk about how much he loved you, that was something that I lay in bed every night at the weekend thinking,trying to process that there is nobody here who loves me like he did and there never ever will be again.yeah people love me and all that but it's not the same, nothing is the same as Daddy's love and that's all I want now. All that then brings that question of what on earth is this all about and why do I have to suffer on for possibly another 30+ yrs without him knowing the best years of my life are over. Not matter what the future brings, he will not be physically here so everything will always be tainted with his loss, what the hell is the point of that. aarrrrrhhhhhh

yeah, I'm getting real sick of not seeing any signs, it's annoying me so much and then sometimes scares me so much trying to know where he really is but knowing I'll never get all these answers here for sure.

Told my cousin a few weeks back I just want to scream so loud and so hard ....I should probably drive somewhere that I can do that where there won't be anyone at all around to hear so I won't look like a complete nut but I have no clue where to go. I just need a sound proof room

so hugs and love as always and I always look forward to hearing from you and everyone else here,

xox

ok just a vent from me coz I'm in work and some of this crap just really really hurts. I had to listen to someone bitch and moan about their Dad for over 10mins at breakfast, had to just leave eventually. Seriously like, of all the things you could do in front of me, of all the people to moan about. Then someone else joined in with something on theirs ...so I left rather quickley before I actually burst out crying. It was like a knife thru my heart hearing "my Dad this, my Dad that" ....ugh it hurts so so bad right now. I just want my Daddy back.

I feel like screaming crying but I'm just trying hard to keep it together till the day is over.

how easily people forget or just don't think eh ? oh well what can one do but walk away.

something I realised last night while talking to my Mom is that I can write so much more than I can actually say out loud. As soon as words come out to my Mom about how I'm feeling, the tears start immediately and I can't get a word out of my mouth, I guess coz I know I don't have to guard myself around her.

I never realised this before, it just suddenly struck me as I tried to talk. So writing is a great way to get it all out I guess, get it out properly when the voice won't work

well, glad I have someone to get it out to here, they're not just words going into thin air.

so thanks as always, 4.5 hrs and counting here till the work day is done,

xox

I am glad to hear something like that has helped you Shelley and things are even a little better for you. I hope you find some peace and I hope it continues get a little easier for you. thanks so much for sharing everything Shelley for us newbies

hey Jodi, aw thank you, that's such a lovely thing to say, I just write from the heart and soul. WOW, that is so weird that you say that about writing a book.It's something that came into my head a while back and it's still there.When this first happened, I had no idea what was going on with my entire being physically and emotionally. I had no idea what grief really was so I would spend hours in bed late at night googling grief and so much about it.I think I've googled every emotion I've had so far in relation to grief. I recall searching for things on losing a Dad and one of the other big things for me was the grief of an only child. While I now know grief is different for everyone altho we feel similar things, something about being an only child struck me. I could not find ANYTHING AT ALL online in relation to this. I remember telling a friend and she said no way there has to be something, so she went and looked and nothing at all.I was pretty surprised, there's nothing you can't normally find online but nada. I think that's when it first came to me, I certainly can't be the only "only child" dealing with this. Anyways, on went my search for books it took me a while before I could look for books and I read about 6 of them in January or so. I wanted something on a daughter losing a Dad, nothing else. I found one but when I read the bad reviews, people said the author just had so many "issues" with the relationship so that wasn't me for. The one I did buy was written buy a guy ....didn't find it any "good" for want of a better word, just a ton of stories from lots of people on their grief, not for me, didn't want to be reading about loads of people's stories. So I got some generic loss of a parent books, again not a whole lot touched me, again there were so many examples and so many stories from other people. Never really found what I was looking for and boy did that make me feel even more alone. I know I haven't read everything that's out there, but I searched amazon the best place for books and just couldn't find anything I truly related to. Some of what frustrated me aswell and this probably sounds completely off the wall was the fact that all the books I had got were written by writers, people who've written on so many other topics....aahhh. I guess finding this site helped with some of my search, just to find others feeling similar to me. So I still think about it and I write here, I write in a journal to my Dad (altho that's pretty repetitive ranting more than anything) and I write things on my comp when I think of things, feelings, comparisons to try to explain the feelings etc. And I copy out my posts from here every so often to make sure I have a copy. I would like to write that book. My Dad in fact did a course on writing a few years back, he and I always read a TON and he started some writing but never followed thru. So maybe someday I will.

ok enough about me. oh I'm glad you find the one on one counselling somewhat helpful, maybe some day I will. I guess I still rely on friends for now when I feel like it, (so often I just want alone time) but I definitely dont say I'll never go to counselling. Yeah the group thing seems to be pretty big in USA. Out of curiosity I checked online for something in my city...country even. Our citizens info though has so many organisations listed for bereavement and nothing at all for me, can you believe that, nothing for an adult losing a parent? It's all kids dealing with grief, parents losing a child, children losing parents, miscarriages and the list goes on. It angered me so much. I'm sure I could find out, maybe there's something just not online but I don't want to for now. Like you I guess I too know nobody can actually fix this or me, it's something we somehow have to learn to live/exist with.

well my wasteful day at work is almost over thankfully. thank you so much again for those kind words Jodi,

hugs and love as always and hope for a better day, whatever that is

ni

xox

thank you for replying Shelley, yep I hear you on the more you loved someone (I used to go on vacation with my parents too and they were always the best ones, am so glad now of the hols I had with them rather than friends). Wow, losing both so close, I can't even begin to imagine that for you, I am truly sorry, there really are no words, where can you even begin to process that, my broken heart goes out to you.

And I am so sorry for the hard time you are having now with flashbacks of such trauma......hugs and peace to you, I don't know what to say, there are no words in this language when it comes to the grief, trauma and all that comes with it. I'm here for whenever or if ever you want to talk, vent, anything.

Hugs to you,

niamh...

Deb,

I am so sorry for you, I do wish some tears would come for you, I don't find crying helps but it does take me out of the numbness and lets me feel something and there are times I'd rather feel the pain than nothing at all. I write to my Dad all the time and yeah I get so sad because it's all one way now, me to him and nothing back....at least nothing I can see, hear or even sense. I wish I could feel or sense him around me (loulou and I are just longing for this so much). I hear you on the acceptance thing, I find I know intellectually but to fully comprehend this emotionally ....it's a lot.Anytime I am at home and I hear something out front, a car in the house next door, a door closing, some little noise for less than a split second I think, Dad's home, then bang. Coz all those little noises I always associated with him walking in the front door and him walking in that door always always brought a smile to me.

I am so sorry that you are lost without somewhere to visit her, I can't imagine the additional heartache you have because of your step Dad. There is nothing I can do to ease this but I can say we will always be here listening, feel free to let out however you feel to us....maybe as you write something will trigger and tears may come and if not you can at least know we are here, we can share in the loneliness, the emptiness that you feel and we can all try to just walk this road together

hugs to you, I have tears writing this now (sitting at desk in work, yikes)

niamh....

xx

hi all,

Just wanted to share my thoughts on this. I was raised Catholic and I've always believed in something and just had faith and I used to pray and I used to try my best to hand problems etc over to God.

However since I lost my Daddy, it's a whole other story. I definitely can't pray, can't ask for help because when I can actually acknowledge God I get beyond angry with him. Part of me feels well I'm so knee deep in it now that I shouldn't have to ask for help, he should just know and he should help......OMG even other stupid things that are also going wrong for me ....I just think wow, can't you give me a break,give Mom a break.... let something go right here for me, I have enough stress with grief and loss of Daddy, I don't need the worry of other stupid crap now.

Sometimes I get so mad with him (God) I just want to have it out with him right there and then. I want his reason, explanation, justification for taking the best thing from our lives...why why why .....I want the answer to the question of life now....I have a right to it now and I have a right to know where my Daddy really is, I feel God stole him from us. So many questions and they just continue to pile up but no answers, I know I'll never get them here on this earth.

So for now I "rely" on others prayers, in fact I kinda even find it hard to ask someone to say a prayer for me. Yet I constantly wear a cross my Daddy got for me in St.Peters Cathedral in the Vatican,Rome last summer, which was also blessed by the Pope so I guess deep down my faith is still there but for now I cannot ask for the help from him coz Im just too mad.

my 2 cents of ramblings

niamh,xo

thank you so much Chai and lots of hugs to you aswell.

yep I try to keep myself around just those that listen without trying to fix and I am grateful for them. 2 of my friends lost their Dad same day 4 years last Dec so they just listen and nod coz they've been there. Thankfully haven't really heard anymore on fixing last few days, she's just been there to listen and knows she can't begin to understand. With those I am not too comfortable with and those I'm afraid will carry on trying to fix I just avoid the question of how I'm doing, I'll jump straight in asking about them, maybe grunt something quick if they ask me but I move on from it as fast as possible.

I hear you on the comparison thing, there's been a few times when me or my Mom have asked someone's help on something.... something a man is needed/best for ( ) and yeah they help ...EVENTUALLY and Mom and I sit and think, Dad would have dropped everything in a heartbeat to run to someone who asked for his help, they wouldn't have to wait a day, 2 days and they definitely would not have has to ask a second time or ask for an update. Nobody will ever live up to our Dads will they and that's just such another hard thing to live with.

BTW I just read your about me section and your Dad sounds like mine, it's so funny, talking to people here and I see so many similarities in all our Dads. Someday I want to put some more info on my Dad, for now I can't, it would send me off in never ending convultions most likely.

AAAHHH I just need the answer to life so badly

I hope you keep letting us know how your journey is going Chai, you are a year or so ahead of us. I always look forward to reading what everyone else is feeling and going through.

so thanks again as always, xox

niamh

hi Shelley,

I've seen some of your other posts here when I initially started reading. I am so sorry for your Mom. I just lost my Dad suddenly just before Christmas. Do you mind me asking if this has got a little less difficult for you as the years so go ? I see no light at the end of this tunnel, I wish my life was over (my Mom is what is keeping me going, keeping me just about hanging on). But I get scared of all the time I have left without my Dad (i'm 35)so I try not to think ahead and just get through today, but it pops in every so often. I've not gone for counselling yet, maybe someday, just can't do it for now and don't know why. I definitely can't look back on anything for now, it's too painful, can't look at photos or anything. It just feels the rest of my life is going to be a struggle with nothing but pain, loneliness and longing for my Daddy.

anyways, I am sorry again for your loss,

thanks !

niamh

hi Debs,

I am so sorry about your Mom ... I know there are no words. I lost my Dad suddenly on 17th Dec. Welcome to this site, you will find so many great people here, there is the tiniest little comfort knowing some feels something similar ...we all have our own grief but I've found some people here that are on the same timelines as me and we do feel similar things. Like you my Dad was by best friend, I really dont have the words for how close we were,therefore don't have words for the loss and pain.

I can relate to the wanting to cry and there being no tears....I have cried and I have cried rivers but it comes and goes. If you read some of my the other posts I've written you can see I talk about this numb feeling. Up to the weekend I kinda had it for over a week and the frustration was incredible, I could feel it building up inside me but couldn't shed one single tear because it was like the real emotion was not there. I just wanted them to come, I wanted to feel something, anything even the pain of it all....they do come when they are ready hun and I guess they leave again when it gets too much.

You are definitely not going crazy, that's for sure .....it's grief itself is crazy not us.

Do you find the therapy helps ? I haven't gone yet, guess I'm just not ready, maybe someday ....I'm not saying I won't ever but for now I just can't for some unknown reason.

Anyways, there's lots here who will listen, I can't say anything that can help, but I can listen/read and share how I feel and what I'm going through.

hugs to you , it's a horrible place we're at just losing our world in losing a parent,

niamh

PS ah just saw Dec 08, so you've had a long road already, sorry I missed that initially. Well, glad you found us now anyways.

Hi Jodi, my dear friend in grief . aw thank you so much and it's really good to hear from you. Thursday was definitely an odd day, I don't think I shed a tear, was still numb. I couldn't even go visit Dad.I got some flowers on friday and went up and sat with him for an hour, crying, writing in a journal to him.Spent another hour with him Sat.That's pretty much all I recall doing for those few days ...nuts eh !

It was like the floodgates opened saturday ....I woke up and just could not stop the tears sat and sunday. That's exactly it, brain is locked and just won't let you go there but yeah as you say it does in little bits and pieces and WHAM. I swear I cried myself to sleep so hard the last 3 nights it actually felt like my entire insides were going to just burst out of me from the tears, pain and reality.

I just find it so so hard to actually comprehend my Dad and I will never ever again live together on this earth, we will never go to McDonald's for a burger again ....it's just so hard to understand the finality of it.

oh hun I am right there with you on the living thing. I wish every day away and want it over, I wish I could fast forward my life so I would be near the end. But yeah like you I am not suicidal, I couldn't even think about actually doing anything again because of my Mom, I would not dream of putting that pain on her. I get this awful truly paralysing fear every so often that someday she will also be gone and then I fear what I may think of doing. But I try to put that out of my head and HOPE so much I have her for years and years to come.....I think "God" owes me bigtime so he better well leave my Mom here for a long time to come.

yep I do the minimum, I go to work and most of the rest of my time is spent watching tv, going to bed early.TV is the only thing that truly helps me escape the nightmware. I meet friends every so often for a little while, I don't hate meeting them but I can't say I enjoy it, I don't enjoy anything at all anymore. So I just exist now and for me it's the best I can do so tough for anyone who wants more from me.Hope isn't a lightswitch I can turn on, I just don't have any .....except for the hope and looking forward to being with my Dad again.

I can't cope with things like "positive" thinking and all that, none of it works for now and frankly I don't have the energy to even try, I'm over that stuff, it can work for other "bad" things in life coz they always pass eventually.....but this, this doesn't change. If something happens someday to make me smile again so be it, great ....truth is I don't really care anymore, been 4 months without it, I'm adapting so I just feel "WHATEVER" !!!! Guess there's some frustration in what I've just said, I can feel it as I think it and type

I'm glad the few mins of writing helped stop your tears for a bit. I find I'm either bawling or numb, there's no in between really for me.Guess the mind shuts down when it just can't take it.

I've been missing you and loulou aswell, think of you both every single day. In fact I kinda couldn't write much the last few days and actually when I hadn't seen any from either of you I was thinking, oh maybe things a getting less difficult for them now and so on and started thinking maybe something "wrong" with me !

This grief is so lonely eh

lotsa hugs and love to you and I hope you manage today ok, as best you can.

ni

xoxox

hi rimmasum,

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling from this. It's a tough one and none of us can really say why exactly she says and does these things. I do still talk with my friends. Did you know her Mom well, would you have been close to her ? If so, then that can be extremely difficult...I have not really spoken to some cousins who are like siblings over the last few months ....sometimes I think it's maybe because they were so close to my Dad, I honestly don't really know. Another part of me finds it difficult to talk them about the real hard emotional stuff ....I don't find them the easiest when it comes to conversations like that, and because it's the big pink elephant in the room I can't just avoid it and chat generally so for now there just is no chats much as they want to be there for me.

I can see what she means about the past being hard .....I can't look back, I hear a song that reminds me of something as simple as a night out with friends last summer and I have to turn it off. I can think of anything from the past for now because it is too painful. (especially stuff with my Dad). It's a painful reminder of not only the loss of my Dad but the loss of myself......part of me (most in fact!) disappeared that day, it's changed me forever, I am not the happy person I used to be so I feel I am also grieving all those losses.....all those parts of myself forever changed, gone etc.

What she said may not be forever, but for now it is obviously too hard for her. I'd hate to put words in her mouth but perhaps the happiness with you is like a knife through her heart for those happy times....a time when everything was fine in life, her Mom was still here.

All I can say is stay in touch with her, if the conversations on the phone are short, don't read into it, if she ignores the calls, don't read into it, if she doesn't reply to text/email ..just don't read into it.....and I know that is very hard to do.

Know that for now her mind is fully focused on processing all this. And yes I know you mention she went out with friends and I know that hurts you ....but don't try to force her to talk to you, confide in you ....that's too much pressure. I can see by the conversation you want to try so hard but from her side I can see pressure pressure pressure.

Give her a few days, send a text/email ....nothing analysing what she's saying or doing but something as simple as thinking of you, sending hugs to you and leave it at that. She will respond in her own good time.

honestly that's as much as I can say, everyone says same thing, you need to give her her time right now as hard as that is for you .... you love her enough to let this be all about her right now and what she wants. I've read so many things on grief recommending no major decisions be made the first year (guess the mind is like a minefield for now!) so while this may take time .....it may not be the end for her as long as you allow her do what she wants w/o pressuring her.

Believe me she knows you care so be gentle and patient and remember no pressure,

Sorry for the pain you are in too !

niamh

Hi Vicki,

first I am so sorry about your Dad and Hubby, I'm like a lost child w/o my Dad. Anyways, I'm glad you got a sign albeit only 4 seconds.....I wish for something every day but nothing. There's been times where I think I have got his scent but it is literally a split second thing, one sniff and poof it's gone. So I put it down to my imagination ....sometimes I think nothing will be enough but I wish for such a real "proper" sign....

hugs

closs86,

I am so so sorry for your awful loss and pain. I lost my Dad suddenly just before Christmas (stupid cardiac arrest, no warning not that the hospital were monitoring....) anyways I am an only child and so thankful that I do still live at home.My Mom is all I have now. My heart breaks more (if possible) every single day for her. Their 40th anniversary was Easter Sunday. They were tied at the hip, did absolutely everything together. I know her pain and my pain are 2 so very different things. I would give anything to be able to take it away from her, along with dealing with my own loss I have such an ache for my Mom's smashed heart now.

I know there are no words of comfort but you will find some special people here trying and trying to hard to just live now and there's the tiniest tiniest comfort from knowing someone else in the world has lost their whole life like you have.

Again I am so sorry for you

Be kind to yourself now, it's all about YOU...

hugs