Butterfly9

Hi All, I am new to this forum and I have been reading posts here for awhile since I too lost my dear Dad on 3/11/10. It will be 3 months next Thursday. I'm am so sorry for all of you here who have also lost a dear parent/loved one. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I am also having a very difficult time. My Dad was sick for a year with a heart condition (congestive heart failure and atrial fibrillation) that was brought on by prescription medications. They have such bad side effects. He was always healthy, working in the yard, walking, hiking and traveling. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and prevent it from happening. I can't believe this is happening to me. It doesn't seem real. I just want to wake up from this terrible, terrible nightmare. I want my Dad back so bad. It really hurts. We honestly did not think he would pass away. My Mom and I tried so hard to get him to exercise and get him well so this day would not have come for a long time. It was not meant to be. It just kills me inside seeing my Dad suffer and there was nothing I could do. I know he tried his best but he was just too tired to exercise much. I would have taken my Dad's illness and given it to me to make him better. I would have died for my Dad if it would have made him better. My Dad got side effects from his medication such as trouble breathing and being extremely tired. He just seemed to be getting worse this year with his breathing and being so tired. He got fluid in his ankles, legs and lungs. We took him to Emergency on Monday. His pulse was high. They gave medicine for that and an IV to get the fluid out. On Tuesday, we visited him in the afternoon so he could get some rest. He looked better and had color in his face again. He was complaining about the service because he didn't get anything to eat or drink, just ice cubes. He seemed to be getting back to his old self. We came back to visit him after 7:00 pm and he seemed to be doing okay. I didn't know that would be the last time I would be able to talk to him. On Wednesday, everything went wrong. He had a hard time breathing in the morning so they had to put in a breathing tube. He was sedated and put in a sleep state so he wouldn't move. I thought it would be temporary once they get the fluid out. During the night not much fluid came out. They tried everything possible but nothing seemed to work. My Dad's heart was trying so hard to get the fluid out that it was getting weaker. They had all kinds of specialist the whole day. We really didn't get to see him much. I didn't even know he was on life support. His kidneys shut down and there were problems with the liver. When they tried the dialysis, the blood clotted the machine. The second time they tried he was too unstable. It was so hard to see my Dad lying there with tubes and machines hooked up. My Dad was always a strong, vibrant man who was so independent. How could this nightmare be happening? My world was turned upside down and my Dad was in critical condition. I still had hope. I was praying for a miracle. I had my holy water and rosary. I was not going to give up. He did seem to get his low blood pressure up some what but then his pulse was very high. Then we found out that his blood pressure had been very low for hours. He was not getting enough oxygen to his brain. Even if he could pull through he would have brain damage and probably be confined to a bed and hooked up to machines. That is not what my Dad would want. There was no hope anymore. We had to let him go. That was one of the hardest things to do. It was the best for him because of the condition he was in. They gave him morphine and stopped all medications and shortly after he passed away peacefully. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things in life. My Dad was my world and my best friend. He was always there for me and it is to hard not having him here anymore in the physical form. He is a great Dad and we all love him very much and miss him terribly. I use the present tense because I know my Dad still lives just in a different dimension. My Dad was 77 and would have been 78 in August. That is still young to me. Someone once said that some are meant to be healed on this side of the veil and others are meant to be healed on the other side of the veil. I talk to my Dad all the time and cry a lot. I cry driving to work and driving home. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable and I miss him so much. It hurts so much inside. At times I am filled with such desperation and feel he is so far away. I can't have a two-way conversation anymore. We would talk about many things and day to day things. I can't see him smile or hear his laugh. He didn't do much of that anymore since he was sick. The people at my work have been really great and sympathetic. You really can not understand what one is going through unless you too have lost a parent. Some people just can't understand. You never really get over it you just learn to live with it. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. In time they say the pain will dull but we will still miss them for the rest of our lives. I too can not find any happiness in life. It is hard to imagine going on for years without my Dad being here. I had my birthday almost 2 weeks after my Dad passed away. It was so terrible. There was that empty chair at the dinner table and he wasn't there to sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I didn't even want my birthday. There was nothing to celebrate since he wasn't here. My Mom and family wanted to make it special despite the circumstance. My Dad also loved Christmas and I can't even think of celebrating holidays and birthdays without him. Life really sucks. There are people laughing and enjoying their lives and here I am in such grief. I think the world should just stop so I can grieve. I am attending a biweekly Grief Counseling Group on Saturdays. It does help. There are so many other people also dealing with the loss of a loved one. It is so sad. People talk about it and then some tell us how they are coping with it and what they are doing to move forward and find some happiness in life again. Nothing makes me happy. I watch TV to drown out reality. I also read a lot of books on the AfterLife and that brings me some comfort. I believe in an afterlife. I have had my Dad come to me in dreams and it is wonderful. Sometimes grief can be so strong that our loved ones in the afterlife cannot come through. We are blocked with grief. They want to communicate with us as much as we want to communicate with them. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they are not around us. They are closer to us than we think. You can talk to them and they can hear you. I know it isn't the same as them being here in the physical form. I am having a hard time dealing with that. It is better than nothing though. However, to know that my Dad continues to live just in a different place, brings me comfort. He is healed and in the most beautiful place that is filled with love and peace. He is with other loved ones watching over my family and me. I know we will be together again someday. Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get everything out. Sending you love, hugs, comfort and strength. Butterfly9