Charlie1

Thanks for your replies. I'm not sure I'm very good at this, I mean getting to the point. I lost my father over a year ago and I still full, well dull, unfocused and unmotivated. I am the head of a household and need to shake this. I feel as if I am going through the motions and running in circles. How do I get out of this?

Father's day. Ughhhh. I can't seem to find the handle today. Nothing seems fun and I can't even get excited about a planned vacation. Too much to do. This is not right.

Kathy, Hang in there...one moment at a time...I am a rookie at this but I want you to know that there are people who painfully understand and are rooting for you. Charlie1

Thanks Paul and Shell, I think I'm beginning to understand that I don't understand. I truly appeciate you both being there! Thank you.

A couple of years ago, a very good friend called and asked me some rather "uncoordinated" questions about me and my health. He is 10 years older and to my surprise had had a stroke. Now this friend of mine is very close. I met him in my late youth and we became fast friends. He is Swedish and a long story short, we worked together in his country for a couple of years. We know each other very well and he eventually introduced me to my wife. We were speaking Swedish and I didn't pick up the gist of what he was saying. He asked me when I think of my family whom do I put first. I answered, My wife and kids. He said "exactly". As we continued on he began urging me to put myself first as if I "fell down" who would take care of my family. What a concept I thought and tucked it away with other advice I have been given over the years and it was back to the usual. Fast forward a couple of years, as primary care giver for my father, friend and best man at my wedding. 8.5 months of being on call, working from hospital lobbies, parking lots, airports on my way back home and just about anywhere else I could to be able to take care of my father. He dies, I am numb and the grief counselor I set up for my my mom calls me on my cell phone a couple of months later. "Are you taking care of yourself?" she asks. Trying to move out of this conversation as quickly as possible, I reply "I'm fine." Little do I know the meandering journey that is in store for me. This last weekend, I am determined to get to know what I don't know about taking care of myself. Yes, I feel a bit guilty when I am not available for my wife or kids but there is somethng to what my Swedish friend and the grief counselor are trying to install in to my rather hard head. I am trying very hard to take care of myself. I have always gone to the gym but I think this means more(??). I took a nap this weekend, yea I know, but this was huge for me. I am trying to find other things that will connect me with the advice I received and now am beginning to act on. Anyone out there know ow to balance taking care of onself and selfishness?

Vero, Well it goes like this. Things I have done so many times with ease are a struggle. I am anxious a lot and not possitive at all. I feel like I'm in a hole and always have to struggle to get out...it wasn't this way before. Things seem a lot harder than they were. Nothing comes easy. I am becoming aware that my "inner talk" is all doom and gloom and am trying to be aware that it seems to start there. I used to be the one who would pull people out of thier shell, make them comfortable and make them smile. Now, I don't even try. I feel empty and not able to add anything to a conversation that isn't, well, boring. Paul, I took a new job last fall and its like starting over. I have worked very hard and things don't seem to be happening the way they should. I mean I am pressing all the right buttons and nothing is happening. Wasn't the smartest thing I ever did (or will do) but I needed a change from a rather difficult boss and measured twice. Now that I am in the middle of stuff, do have any recommendations to keep my sanity?

Thanks Paul, I read some of your other posts and you're right, men sort of keep it inside. I have tried to express myself and frankly, am in the "for dorks only" catagory. Not very good at this. Are you saying that by means of expressing your grief this is the way to deal with it? How about the sence of "under confidence" that I am getting real profecient in (and I'm (was) a very possitve person)? What do you do to get it back?

Thanks, Shell. I feel so out of sorts and you're right, reading the other posts I relaize that my situation is similar to many. I'm struggling. It feels like I trip over my grief and fall into a hole. Every small issue seems overwhelmingly large and I have to think my way out. I have always felt things deeply, but this is REALLY tough. I guess you just deal with it one day at a time?

I lost my grandmother and father at this time last year. As a matter of course, we buried that whole side of the family in a matter of a year. I served as the primary care provider for my father when he passed as my mother was in shock. Everyone seems to be fine, but after a year I still am blue. I have a wonderful wife and 2 kids and took a new job 3 months after my Dad's passing and it has been brutal. Not out of woods yet. I want me life (balance) back and can't seem to find it. Anyone there?