danosgirl

I just found out my grandmas cancer is back and this time its stage four , and my Dan has been gone for 7 months now. I find myself saying sometimes I just cant go threw this again but then I realize that however hard and sometimes seemingly unfair it is this is our circle of life. When I have my times (they seem like all the time lately) of grief thats swallowing me whole I tell myself this is our circle of life and its the path that I have to go down and with that I just let my grief be,, if I have a day where I cant stop crying well then I just let it be, same if Im having a happy day, or an angry day. Dan is always in my thoughts every second and in my heart and soul. I find sometimes talking to him helps or if we are having a nice family day then we include him,, tell little stories ,, jokes at his expense(as they always were), or even talk about something funny he would have said. This gives me the feeling of him being included in my life the same way he is still and always will be in my heart. I have a good friend who once said to me just before my grandpa passed grieve for him when he is gone not while he is still here , enjoy every last second u have with them maybe if u explained to your families that this is what they are taking away from you when they dont include you ,, and really the only thing they are leaving u with is the grief if either a friend or family member does pass on ,, its a very special gift to be able to say your goodbyes to a loved one(either family or friend) and I am right now dealing with the news about my grandma who is one of the very most important people in my life just this way I will try and wait to grieve untill after she has passed. lots of hugs Barb

Chris, thank you for your kind words. I really hope that it being a longer period of time that has passed since you lost Larry doesnt keep you from posting as I take comfort in reading everyones experiences . Losing Dan for me is not something Im trying to "get over" as some in my life have put it. He is the love of my life and if anything I like the knowing that even after time has passed my love for him will still be strong. I know that its a terribly hard journey that we are on but feel like the old saying "that which doesnt kill us makes us stronger" is true, thank you again and please continue to post and keep talking about Larry. Barb

Its been almost 7 months since I lost my Dan, I always have this need to yell from the highest mountain what an amazing man Dan was , we met when we were 14 the time never seemed right for us as I had a boyfriend or he had a girlfriend but we were still always together. He was my best friend and when I married he was an usher at my wedding. My marriage lasted 20 years and unfortunately was not what it should of been, when we seperated Dan was the first person I wanted to rekindle with. It was as if no time had passed and things happened what seemed to others as very quickly. We shared 10 months together in which time I was the happiest Ive ever been in my entire life. Such a wonderful feeling to be in a relationship with someone that you truely love , he was such a thoughtful man always thinking of others and me before himself, he used to say to me " whatever makes you happy hun". We had made so many exciting plans for our future, first to be married and down the road buying a small house outside the city. With everything we had both been through in our lives we never took each other for granted . We both knew how much the other appreciated and loved the other and for that I am truely greatful. I miss Dan so much its sometimes crippling. I am thankful to God for the wonderful time we had together. But sometimes I feel cheated, feeling I was robbed of precious time with my amazing Dan. I read postings some have wrote about how they were together for years and find myself kind of jealous. I try not to be but I wish we had more time. I hold the belief that we will be together again, very close to my heart. Sometimes I think that God just gave Dan and I a preview of how wonderful it will be in heaven. I m soooo thankful to you all and to this site for giving me a place to just say whatever is in my heart and for also letting me know that I am not alone. As bad as I feel for those of you who are suffering as I am ,,,, I do take comfort in knowing you are there. God bless you all!

Melina I know exactly how you are feeling , its almost 7 months for me since I lost my Dan and I have been having the very same feelings of hopelessness. I have very overwhelming emotions and feel like I am just not wanting to live my life without him. We had so many wonderful dreams and plans for our future together its impossible for me to think Ill be able to have any joy in my future. Dans son started highschool this fall and he joined the football team, Dan Im sure is so proud of him and wouldve been so excited to go and watch his son play. I found myself sitting on the sidelines of Andrews first game and talking to Dan threw the whole game , people probably thought I was nuts but oh well and like you I can always j picture just what he would say or how he would sooooo have loved to have been there,,,,, but you know what in my heart I know he was there. One of things Ive discovered is that everyones grieving is very different but I get such comfort from knowing there are others who share some of the same experiences I am going through it makes me feel like I am not quite as much of a freak. I certainly never expected to be a widow at age 41. Please know that you are not alone and please take your husband with you when you go to your family functions like your sons graduation. It helps me to take Dan with me when I go to such things and when I have a day with something he would have enjoyed I talk to him and tell him all about it. Im not sure if my posting will help you at all but I hope that it does,,, take care and God Bless Barb!

Im overwhelmed by the amount of people who seem to be feeling the same thing I do. Ive taken some time over the last couple of days to read some others postings and I have to be honest it gives me a weird sense of peace knowing that others are in fact suffering in some of the same ways I am. I have a wonderful family and a great greif counselor but it still didnt seem like enough, like I was floating around in a huge ocean of despair with no one else in sight. I want to thank those who take the time to not only respond to my postings but to those of you who post your own feelings as well. I find reading them helps me deal with the fact that my life feels very empty. Knowing that this is just a process that we all are going through and that theres really no right or wrong in how we feel gives me some piece of mind and makes me feel like Im not some kind of freak. Sometimes when I talk to loved ones about how I am feeling in the back of my mind Im thinking you cant really know how I am feeling and I wish I wasnt burdening them. But I dont have those feelings when I post on here. I just get a feeling of finally someone knows how it feels!!!! I am very greatful and can only hope that maybe something I write may be helpful to someone else. If there is ever anything I can do for one of you please dont hestitate to ask. God Bless.

Its been almost 7 months since I lost Dan and why cant I be honest? I talk to everyone bout him and say all the right things like " I have to make him proud" and " I cant let his death be in vein" and "Im ok" . When the truth is I am not ok. I miss him so much its hard to breath sometimes. I feel like half of my soul is missing and I have such a feeling of hopelessness. I have days where I really dont want to be on this earth without him. I think about him every second of the day, and am secretly crying behind closed doors. I want to scream its not frigging fair Im in so much pain. What do I do without him? How do people go on? People tell me it will get easier but bull sh** it isnt easier some days it feels harder. People say you have to think of your three kids and I know that in theory its true I love my kids but I just cant seem to understand how Im supposed to make my whole existance bout them when I am hurting so bad. Dan and I were so happy, and now I find myself looking forward to growing old and seeing him again in heaven when its my time. Im not trying to be ungreatful for all the wonderful gifts god has given me,,,, but I MISS HIM SOOOOO and sometimes I am so mad that god took him from me!

Thank you everyone for your response. It means so much to me knowing that Im not alone. If ever I can help in some way please just ask. Im sorry for your losses, but not sorry that youre all here. God Bless.

I lost my Dan 5 months ago we were technically together for 10 months. He passed away from a major heart attack at our new home in my arms. Right from the beginning our relationship had struggled with the "what if" factor. We first met when we were 14 in high school. There were sparks right from the start but at the time I was dating someone else. We remaind best friends all through high school and he was even an usher at my wedding. So after my seperation after 20 years we recindled our friendship and decided to give "us" a try. We were sooooo happy he moved in after a month and we found ourselves talking about the old days and saying "what if". We finally agreed to not do that to ourselves. I have three boys whom I am sooo proud of and he had a son who was the apple of his eye. So how could we regret the path we had taken. So we decided to just be greatful for the here and now that we felt was a gift. Now that he is gone and Im feeling so empty its hard to not do the "what if" thing again. I have to try and remember all the amazing gifts Dan has brought to my life and be thankful that we never took each other for granted. We crammed more memories and amazing times into our 10 months then anyone I know. From birthdays, christmas,valentines day,concerts,vacations,visits with our amazing families ,romantic dinners out, to a dance in the living room at halftime of the Grey cup. For all these reasons and many more I will try my very hardest to not live in the world of "what if" and always try to be greatful for life and all its gifts. I LOVE you Dan and always will!!!!! xo

I lost my Dan august 11 2010 and Im experiencing this as well. I sometimes am up all night and not falling asleep till Im totally exhausted. I find Im going through all kinds of emotions at night from anger to remembering all our wonderful times. But I do sometimes worry that as I seem to be living my life more and more without him I do worry Im deserting him as well. I try and use nights like this to talk to him I find that sometimes it comforts me and helps me feel like Im still including him in my life.