Willies mom

CJ, Thank you. I do have wonderful memories of him. Actually, all of my memories of him are happy ones, even during his sickness. I just didn't realize how little time we had left. The vet really felt something was stuck in his intestines, and although at first he mentioned cancer, he changed his mind over the 2 month period. So I had really become positive that all would be well. It was just such a shock for me, one I was not really prepared for.

Becka, Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know I need to tell my brother, and I will, but for now I can't because his phone service is off until the 1st of May and I can't just write him a letter. So I am breathing a very small sigh of relief that I don't have to tell him while I'm still so emotional. I will look up Patterdale Terriers. I'm not positive of his breed, my brother guessed at it. But Willie looked very similar to your dog. He was small and weighed about 30-33 pounds when he was healthy. He had large floppy ears for his size and he was extremely intelligent. I miss him so much. He was always by my side. I used to laugh and say he was velcroed to my leg. He was a great companion.

Rhapsedy, Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so nice to know that there are other people that understand what I am going through. I am trying very hard to focus on the good times. Grief is such a terrible thing. You'll have a minute when you think, things will be ok, and then just that quick you feel the pain hit. And you're right, they are our babies. We do everything for them, sometimes to a silly degree, but we receive so much love that it's all worth it. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

MartyT, Thank you for your thoughts. I will certainly take the time to read your article. Maybe it will help me with the huge task I have at hand. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this site. It has helped me to be able to write down my feelings and know that someone understands. I wish I would have found it when my twin sister died, and although it's been several years since she passed, I still feel grief in my heart and will be reading through the posts and offering my words of sympathy to others that are suffering as well.

KayC, Thanks your for your kindness. I am trying to focus on the good times, and there were many, but as soon as a good memory enters my head it is quickly followed by the memory of the look in his eyes, just pleading for me to help him. I know there was no other choice that I could make, but it doesn't ease the pain of his loss. I'm just trying to stay busy with anything and everything, and when I start to have sad thoughts I say to myself, Stop, don't go there. It does seem to help me stay in better control of my emotions. Thanks again for caring.

I am so sorry for your loss. I too am facing that same problem. We involved our little man in everything we did (he demanded it). I wish I had words of comfort for you, but as I just lost my Willie, I too am still grieving. I did want you to know that there are others that are sharing your pain. And that we understand and we care. I know how you feel, since losing Willie, I have little interest in anything. Everything is a reminder that he is gone.

Wow. I can't believe I'm going through this again. Two years ago, my sheltie, Eddie, passed away. He was 11 years young. I stay at home and watch my grandchildren so I am always home. When Eddie passed, I was devastated. I loved him so much and I know he loved me just as much. He was my buddy. Always by my side, giving me kisses, bringing me joy. I didn't think I would get over his loss. I had just brought home a golden (Lady)a year before he passed, and they were best of friends. It was so hard on her to lose her playmate and companion. I vowed to never again bring another dog home. I just couldn't hardly bear the loss or even the thought of another loss. Then my brother had health problems. He had a black lab-jack russell mix named Willie. I welcomed Willie into our home thinking he would just be here temporarily. My brother ended up moving to Florida and leaving his dog here. He was here for 9 months. I fell in love with him. He kind of took Eddie's place in a way. I mean, I love my golden, and she's a sweetheart, but she's not as affectionate as Eddie and Willie were. Of course she's huge, so she can't sit on my lap, she's afraid of heights, so she can't sleep with me. So I became extremely attached to Willie. He was my little man. We were together 24-7. He loved walks, playing ball, rough housing with Lady, and living his little life to the fullest. When he came here he was so healthy. It didn't ever cross my mind that he would be gone in less than a year. After weekly visits to the vet for 2 months, we made the decision for the vet to open him up and try to find the problem. Willie was barely eating and had lost weight and I became concerned, hence the first visit to the vet. Those last two months were so hard on the both of us. He continued to lose an extreme amount of weight, but was still just as loveable and playful as ever. The vet called during the surgery and said he found a tumor the size of a racquetball ball. And that something was going on with his liver but he didn't know what. He recommended that we not wake Willie up from the surgery. I agreed with him. I didn't want Willie to suffer, and to be honest, his declining health had put me into such a depression, and I just couldn't bare to watch him die. I feel so much guilt. I can't hardly stand it. About 2 months ago, Lady and Willie were in the house and my husband threw the tennis ball for them to fetch. He didn't know any better, I however, did. Lady is huge and Willie was just a little guy. She ran him over often in fetch, so I didn't play it with them together. Just one at a time. Well, of course they both made a mad dash for the ball, and Lady accidentally (with all of her weight) ran Willie into the corner of a large desk. Willie was really hurt. It took him several minutes to recover, and he ended up with a huge knot on his side. But, he began to play, eat, and act normally so I didn't worry too much. Within a week or two he quit eating and we began our visits to the vet. I did tell the vet what had happened but he didn't think that was the problem. Looking back, I think it was the beginning of the end. I feel so guilty for not taking Willie to the vet immediately after it happened. This is just killing me inside. And, I still have to tell my brother that Willie is gone. I did let him know that Willie was not well, and about our visits to the vet. I am feeling so much sadness over losing Willie. I am overwhelmed with grief. My brother loved his dog every bit as much as I did. He had him for 10 years. My brother also suffers from mental problems, and isn't doing well right now, and I am so afraid this will push him over the edge. My daughter says I have to tell him. My friend says I should not tell him until I have to (if he visits here). I don't know what to do. If I tell him, I'm so afraid of how he'll react. If I don't tell him, I just constantly run through my mind how I will tell him and how he'll react. I am controlling the crying somewhat (people think I'm crazy for being so upset), but inside I hurt so badly. Sometimes the tears just flow from crying so hard inside. I just don't know what to do. I miss my buddy so badly. I was so used to having him around every second. He never left my side. He was so full of love and expressed that love constantly. I just feel so alone, so alienated. I have endured so many losses in my life. Lost my father at a young age, then lost my brother, then lost my twin sister the week after we turned 39, and then my mother passed just 5 years ago. I brought Eddie home after I lost my father and sister to help me with my grief. Then I lost Eddie. And although I still have a brother, he is mentally ill and he just isn't the same guy I grew up with, so in a way I've lost him too. I just don't know what I've done in my life to lose everyone I love so dearly. I still have my husband, my children, and of course Lady our golden retriever. But my children are grown, my husband works, and although I love Lady, she just isn't the companion that Eddie and Willie were. So, I feel alone and grief stricken. For a minute I seem to be coping ok and then all of a sudden it's like someone is pulling my heart out. And I am so angry about it all. It should have never happened.

Cali3, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my twin sister a week after we turned 39 (from a heart attack in her sleep). Even though it has been 13 years I still feel the ache in my heart on a fairly regular basis. I totally understand what your are going through and the level of your grief. There are no words that I can give to comfort you other than I do understand and you are not alone. The one piece of advise I can give you is to continue (as hard as it may be) to surround yourself with family and friends. We set out a picture of my sister at special events such as Christmas, Easter, and even her childs wedding so that she is included in our day. Often times we recall wonderful memories. It took a few years to get to that point as the pain in our hearts was so intense. I do understand your pain. I still have my moments. At the birth of her first grandchild I couldn't hardly feel the joy of birth because I was so upset that she should have been the one there to participate, not me. It just isn't fair. To them, to us. Just remember how much you are loved and that she is looking down on you smiling. We are the one that suffer, they are at peace in heaven.

Please don't blame yourself. I am so sorry for your loss. My little dog Willie just passed this last Friday. While playing fetch, my golden ran Willie into the corner of a wall and tore his liver. It was an accident. I understand your pain and guilt. I am feeling those same emotions as well as anger. Both were too young and had so much life left. Hoping you feel better soon. I know it will be hard for you and just want to let you know I care.