sad

Kay, you got that right. Biding time and waiting for.... I have a neighbor that's my age and single. I tried to talk to her, get to know her, maybe hang out together but she doesn't seem to be interested in making any friends. It's a shame. She's a therapist by day and loner by night. No one lives in the other house next door, so I kinda lose out on having many friendships around home. So I just cut my grass, trim my trees, etc and keep to myself. I do live in the city, not downtown but not in suburbs either. I have a large English Tudor type house. I always dreamed of having a large, old house that I could fill with antiques. Well, I got my large, old house and it's full of antiques, but now they mean absolutely nothing to me. Margaret and I used to love to go antiquing together and she was with me when I got almost each and every one. She bought a lot of stuff too, which is still in my basement. I just don't care about any of it anymore. Don't even have a desire to go antiquing anymore. This Sunday marks 5 weeks since she's gone. It doesn't ever get better does it? Only that you realize the finality of it all. sad

Dwayne, that is such a sad story. Now Pauline's older sister has to live with that memory of what she did and what she should have done for the rest of her life. Does Pauline's family visit you now? sad

Hi Kay and Tammy. Too bad about your coverage ending for your eye surgery. Hopefully you'll get a new job soon with great benefits. Right now I am enjoying my first glass of wine. I hate this time of the day. It starts to get dark, people are winding down after work to be with their families. It gets really quiet and dark in my house. It's always quiet, it just seems more quiet at night. I hope everyone had a good day today and are looking forward to a long holiday weekend. Me, I'll be alone as usual. sad

Kay, thanks for your post. It's too bad about your brother not associating with you. I guess it happens in a lot of families. I thought maybe I was the only one. I wish I lived near you. We could take walks together. Well, Ohio and Oregon are about as far apart as any two states can be. It's nice just talking to you and everyone one else through email. I look forward to seeing my replies from everybody everyday. I am so glad I found this site. It does make a person feel better knowing there is someone out there who understands what you are going through. Today when I thought about getting a glass of wine, and when I drink a glass of wine, it's a big water glass of wine, I reached for a Coke instead. Later on today that may and probably will change. sad

Thanks Brian. I am hanging in there for another day. I thought about Harry's story all night. Harry, thank you again for sharing your amazing story of love and courage. I can't even describe how I felt when I read it and how I still feel. You and Jane shared such a strong bond and love and your story of the hospital and her fighting and the security guard knowing things about her. It makes me cry when I think about your pain and the pain of others on here. Everyone is hurting so much. Why, why, why does God allow such suffering and hurt among us? sad

Thank you Harry for sharing your very intimate moments with me and others. You have the gift of the pen. I hope there is a purpose for all of us, a reason to live on. Right now every day is the same. Empty. I know it takes time. A lot of time. Thanks again for your post. sad

Thanks mfh and Tammy for your posts. Today is really bad for me and I appreciate you guys thinking about me. sad

I know I can't stand the test. I am at my limit. I think I cried all day. I tried to go to bed, but can't sleep, so here I am again. Kay thanks for posting me again and I hope you find another job soon. Wow, everyone has their woes don't they? I ask God why over and over. I try to understand why things happen the way they do. I have a friend that has 2 sisters and a brother and they talk everyday. How lucky of her. I have a brother, but he is too busy in his life to even think about me. I haven't seen him in about 21 years and he only lives about 20 miles away. No more wine for me tonight. Had way too much already. sad

OK Dwayne. I will try. I want to get better. I just don't believe it will happen. Right now I feel so bad. sad

Thank you so much Carol Ann and KayC. I really need all you guys right now. sad

Thanks so much Marty. sad

My dad's brothers and sister ended up putting him in a nursing home at age 43. My brother and I lived with an aunt and uncle who didn't want us. The nursing home was in the worst part of town, but the most affordable. I am very bitter about all this. But that is long ago and forgotten to most people, but I remember. No, Margaret wouldn't want me to drink myself to death, but maybe it's the only way I can cope. I did go to church 2 days ago. Didn't help. Today I had to go back to the funeral home for the 3rd time to take care of more paperwork. I went alone of course because there's no one else in her family or mine. Her ashes are in my bedroom. She wanted them scattered in the park, but I can't do that right now. My life is so depressing from the moment I get up till I go to bed, then I toss and turn for hours. I am at my lowest point ever. Ever. I am changing my will today since Margaret was 50% beneficiary. My other beneficiary told me to "get over it" and I don't want him to get everything I own. I am pouring out my heart on here and that's something I never do. Thanks for listening. sad

As far as I'm concerned, my life is over. sad

I'm still extremely depressed. But the cats are well fed and have clean litter boxes. I hate my life totally. I hate being alive. I appreciate you guys thinking about me. sad

You make it sound so easy. I can't volunteer. I don't have the energy or backbone. I'm defeated. I feel like nothing, nobody. I don't have any ambition. The wine I drink numbs my brain long enough until I can finally get to sleep. I retired 2 years ago and we were going to have a great time together. Well, now I spend my "great times" alone and crying. I appreciate your concerns and comments and I hope you don't get mad, but I have to handle this my way. My whole life has been full of tragedies. My mom committed suicide when I was 13. She had terminal cancer and was going to take my dad too. He was a quadraplegic from polio. He was asleep from sedation, but her suicide note said if he woke up in time, she would take him with her as she promised. He didn't wake up in time. I found her later that night. I'll never get that image out of my mind. He died 8 years later from a heart attack. I have no family left that cares. I don't have any emotional support at all. It's so hard to get up in the morning. There's only one reason that I do and that's to feed her 8 cats and my 3. I don't know what might happen to them down the road. sad

Today was a bad day. 4 weeks without my Margaret. I'm drinking heavily now. More than I can ever remember. I'm so depressed I could scream but no one would hear or care. sad

We met at work some 29 years ago. She was brainy, intelligent, etc. I was just average. We looked like Mutt and Jeff. She was short and I was tall. We had so much in common. We both loved our cats, antiques, flea markets, outdoor fairs, shopping. She moved in my finished basement about 15 years ago after her divorce. We did everything together. She had a lot of health issues recently and I helped her in every way I could. A typical day would be to maybe go to the local thrift store and see what we can find or maybe go to an auction. I felt safe and secure knowing she was here with me. It's so hard for me to go into the basement to take care of her cats. I sink into the lowest emotional state that I've ever been in. I have other friends, but it's just not the same. They don't really understand. One tells me to "get over it". There are many times when I do think about suicide. I really don't think that there's a happy future for me. To live like this for long would be more than I can take.

Still sitting here with my new best friend, Manichewitz Concord Grape. No change, still depressed, crying all the time. No one to talk to. sad

Thanks Maryo and Cheryl for your posts. I will try to take it day by day. Today is 3 weeks since she died. Sad

Thank you NATS. I look forward to anwers from those who have survived this loss. I lived thru deaths before, but somehow this one will never get better. Margaret and I were so close and I guess this took me by surprise. I definitely am not ready emotionally for this. Like you were, I am a total basket case. I'm trying so hard to concentrate on other things - like cutting grass, driving around aimlessly, and whatever else comes to mind. But, if you look in my face, and see the haunted look in my eyes, anyone can tell I'm in extreme pain. Thank you again for caring. Sad

I have way too many pets for someone in my situation. Margaret had 8 cats, 3 were her mother's. Her mom died last year and that was a real hard time for Margaret. Several years ago Margaret lost her 2 brothers, so she was alone except for me. I lost all of my family long ago, so Margaret was all I had. I have 3 cats of my own. Hers and mine cannot mix. If you know cats, you know how hard it is to get them adjusted to each other. So here I am, 11 cats to take care of. I'm not only overwhelmed by death, but by my environment. I promised Margaret if anything happened that I would take care of her pets and she would do the same for me. I didn't know it would be so soon. Her cats live in my finished basement where she lived for the last 15 years. I have a very hard time even going down there to feed them, etc. I can't spend much time down there either because of all the memories and her things are everywhere. I gave away all her clothes that I could see hanging on racks and doors so I didn't have to look at them everyday. Everything else is still where she left them and I don't know where or when to start on going through them. All I can think about is the lonliness for the future. Thank you so much to those who have answered my posts. sad

Thinking more and more about dying and less about anything else. Drinking alot of wine, not eating much. Why bother? This is serious. I can't think of any reason to live except for the pets and that's just not enough. No one and I mean no one would even know I died for days. That's how it is here. sad

It's nice that you guys care and all, but I am here alone, day in and day out. It's dark here and when that happens all I want to do is die. My friend Margaret was the only person that I could confide in or be myself around. I can't imagine that that is all over forever. I think about holidays and other things we did together that won't ever happen again. I tell myself that this isn't real. Can't be. But it is. There is absolutely no reason other than for her pets and mine that I need to be here. Sad

I read the posts. I don't have a support system. I am lost. Can't stop crying. Sad

Today marks 2 weeks. I pray all the time that God will take me before I do it. Sad